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happiness

Jump back on 

Today seemed like as good a day as any to face my fears. Given that I feel like my world is in an upside down shit storm and all. 

After exactly 16 weeks I got back on my naughty horse and went for a ride. 

If that sounds easy, it wasn’t. I brought him into the corral and tacked him up.  This was much easier than the last time I sat on him on September 30. Then I barely had any mobility and I just sat on his back for a couple of minutes   

The next part turned out to be much harder than I anticipated. It took me almost a half hour of standing beside him before I found the courage to climb back on. Remember he’s been off since I turfed myself the end of July – he had some energy. 

But I finally did. And as we walked we both relaxed a little bit. And I faced a fear. It reminded me I am strong enough to walk the scary paths. 

Oh this horse. He is happiness. Scary happiness but happiness. 

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Change the world through compassion 

That was the message of the sermon today change the world through compassion. 

I needed to hear that.  More about love and compassion, less about fear and hate 

I let fear sneak back into my heart last week. 

Instead of focusing on what we don’t have I need to put my energy focusing on what we do have. Love, family, peace, safety, freedom. And then focusing on what I have to give. 

I should be giving more. I need to give more of myself. If we all showed more compassion towards each other the world would be a much better place. And that would be a world filed with happiness. 

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Best line of the day 

I was waiting at the cast clinic beside a lady when she suddenly noticed her son was being wheeled to a different area. She jumped up and chased the nurse down to ask where he was going. 

She came back to get her things and shook her head and muttered I didn’t give birth to him just to lose  him now. 

And I replied I know and it’s a lot of work to make another one. 

And we looked at each other and shook our heads and at the same times said and God, I never want to do that again. 

I love random funny moments and this was a good one. 

As a bonus I got to see my shoulder and I’m all healed and although it’s not anywhere close to where it needs to be, I have more mobility in my arm. Slowly but surely I’m mending and I’ll be as good as new soon. And that’s happiness 

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He’s got this 

It’s no secret that I’ve been feeling both overwhelmed and frustrated with God lately. I keep coming back to a passage in a book by Marianne Williamson that says when you ask God into your life, you think God is going to come into your psychic house, look around, and see that you just need a new floor or better furniture, and that everything just needs a little cleaning – and so you go along thinking how nice life is that God is there. Then you look out the window one day and you see that there’s a wrecking ball outside. It turns out your foundation is shot, and that you’re going to have to start building it from scratch. 

I feel like the wrecking ball comes through and just as rebuilding is starting to happen another wrecking ball hits. And I’m tired.

Today in church I realized that maybe the wrecking ball keeps coming through because I’m building the foundation over and over again by myself instead of remembering to turn it over. I’m building on the same shitty foundation time after time and that needs to change.

The message of today’s sermon was to remember that God’s got this, and that He’s got you. At this point my life is so scary and overwhelming I don’t think I have any choice but to trust that those words are true.

This is a sunrise photo taken in my front yard last fall. The fact that we are here, we are safe, and we are loved is a miracle and that will always be a happiness moment.  I’ll just trust that He’s got this, He’s got me, He’s got us.

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When I grow up I want to be like my aunt

I was driving the girl home tonight and she was talking about our moves and the friends she’s left behind and the how difficult it is to make new friends – to build that friend tribe.

Then she said when I grow up I want to be like Aunty Carolyn. She’s funny, but she also just does whatever she wants and doesn’t give a crap what anyone else thinks about it. I want to be just like that. Just funny, happy, and who cares what people think of me.

Both kids have informed me that if something should ever happen to me and they’re in need of new parents that they are going to Aunty Carolyn’s place to live.

This is why it is so fantastic that we are back home among our tribe. They have all of these adults who love them and show them different ways to be.

And honestly, if I ever have to grow up I wouldn’t mind being like Aunty Carolyn either (because she’s one of the fun ones who never left her childhood behind her).

So, today – God bless Aunty Carolyn – she’s happiness.

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Cousin surprise 

I walked into my moms kitchen and she was visiting with my aunt, niece, and cousin. I said hi to all and carried on. Then my brain halted and said waaaaaaiiiittttt. That cousin doesn’t live here anymore. Had to stop and back up, jump up and down and hug her. 

What a great surprise. I like her, she’s defiantly one of the cool, fun ones. Happiness. 

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Fall cleaning 

The house is a disaster. To give them credit, the kids have helped a lot over the last 3 months – but still – the house is a disaster. 

Today there was some space in life and strength in my arm and I was able to get a little bit of the chaos dealt with. We all do so much better when the clutter is cleared. I have no desire to live in a museum, but my brain can’t relax in a mess either. 

So there was a start to get order back in life. I like to think I am carefree and don’t need a schedule,  but I sadly have to say that I do bette when there is somewhat of a routine. 

The happiness for today was making space for more freedom, peace, and joy in our home. 

And him 

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Run to me

I went out this afternoon to share a treat with my pony. It’s been windy and I’ve not been feeling well, so he hasn’t had as much attention as I would have liked lately. 

He was out  in the middle of the field eating when he saw me walking towards him. He turned and galloped towards me. I know, it was mostly for the treats, but he did stop and give me a little head butt of affection before diving into his bucket. 

I prayed for this horse for so long, and by love and a miracle he’s in my yard. Happiness. 

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It’s an every day thing now

I came home this evening after dropping the girl off at a friend’s place to find a text from the boy asking for a ride back from my mom’s house. Then he decided he needed to stay longer and I would have to come later. It seems that they were watching a show and visiting and he wasn’t quite ready to come home.

That is one of the huge perks of living where we do. I have so many memories of going over to my grandma’s to have tea, a visit, or just be spoiled like only a grandparent can. Now my kids are able to do that as well. It’s not once or twice a year like it was for so long, it’s an every day thing now. And that is happiness.

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