So proud of this kid. Bonus happiness that I got to share it with both his grandmas and one aunt.
Tag Archives: home
The sound of silence.
Today has been a feel gross day. I’m not sure if I’m sick or if I am just feeling like emotional crap. Either way, the result is the same. Blah. Actually, I’m hoping it’s the result of some emotional junk moving through me from my energy work and my yoga. I’ve started a new session of Healing Light Yoga Therapy, which is restorative yoga and is the most wonderful thing for my soul. But it often gives me some yuck along the way.
So, I’m dealing with the aftermath of my phone in the toilet. If bad things come in threes, I had it last night with the skunk, the phone, and the barfing kid. I have a good warrantee though and for a couple of hundred dollars, by tomorrow or Wednesday I’ll have a new one. But, for now I live in silence.
I have discovered that the level of silence I can tolerate is directly related to my level of anxiety. The higher the anxiety the less I can handle total silence. No noise means having to listen to the small voices that are telling me I’m stuck in a bad place. Since moving home, my anxiety is so much less I barely even think about it. But, I discovered today that I’ve still been filling more silence gaps than I realized. I’ve been doing this by either messing around on the Internet or using music to fill the quiet.
On the way into town this morning, Jacob and I were half way in before we realized the car radio was off. When we did, we both commented on how nice it was to enjoy the quiet, appreciate the scenery, and relax into the silence. The sound of silence is a beautiful thing. It’s also where all my big thoughts happen and my profound emotions come from. My moment of happiness today was that drive into town with Jacob.
Father’s Day.
I wasn’t sure how this day was going to be, it’s been about three and a half weeks since Dad died. Too soon to be ok with a day dedicated to celebrating Dads. In some ways it was harder than I expected (they sang Amazing Grace at church. That hymn always does me in). In many ways it was better than I expected.
Most of the morning I felt like curling up in a ball and just crying. I couldn’t pinpoint my exact feeling but it was generally crappy and sad. My cousin brought us to her church and much as I didn’t want to be there (because it was interfering with my crying time) it was a good thing to be out and around people. They were having an end of the year celebration and it was good for me to be around people enjoying life.
I came home and had a two hour nap, which was also good for my soul. I have been exhausted lately and that rest time helped to recharge me. Dealing with all these emotions is a very tiring process.
The day finished with a Father’s Day supper at my cousin’s place with her husband and kids, my mom, aunt and uncle (whom I used to call uncle dad as a child), and a family friend. The great thing about my family is they pick up and take care of each other.
It ended up being a really enjoyable night. Which is how it should be. I figure as long as we have the ability to feel joy and happiness we should be living it. It was enjoyable even though the Dotted Dog got sprayed by a skunk (oh yeah, that happened) and when I came home I forgot I’d stuffed my phone in the back of my pants and it fell in the toilet ( I discovered just how attached to my phone I am). Thank goodness for my warrantee.
I know today was just one of the hundreds of days left in my life that I’ll miss dad, but I really missed him today. Between Jacobs birthday and Father’s Day I’ve really felt his absence. I can still feel his love, but oh man I miss him like crazy.
I am so thankful for all the time he spent with me, the patience he showed me, the love he shared with me, and the lessons about how to live in this world that he taught me. Thank you, Dad, I miss you dearly and love you always.
My happiness moment for the day was sitting at the table eating supper at my cousin’s house. Feeling the love of family around, missing dad, but happiness in remembering the kind of loving, involved dad that he was.
Ain’t it fun…
I know we have all changed in some ways in the short time we have been home. Some of it has come through struggle and heartache. I had several moments in the last weeks of Dad’s life where I knew deep in my soul that what I was living in that moment would change me forever. Not all those changes are a bad thing either. Sure, there’s the broken feelings of missing Dad, but there was a certain strength I found during that time – and a special bonding with my mom and sister as we held each other close. That strength I will carry with me on the next part of my life journey. I got to know myself a lot better and discovered that I had a much deeper faith and love than I ever knew.
I also see changes in the vibe of our household. The kids are happier being home – they love running across the yard to visit cousins, or to visit nana, or to visit the horses. Jenna spends hours riding her bike up and down the driveway and running up to the barn to see the cats. Jacob can play with his cousin, and gets to ride the sit down mower all over the place.
I can see the happy house vibe in the pets. Ella the cat has gone from being a true scaredy cat – hiding at the slightest noise and not allowing anyone to hold her for long – to being the happiest, calmest, most cuddly little furball around. She purrs her way all over the place and is usually happily flopped in a sunbeam right in the middle of the house.
Dottie actually smiles. If you didn’t know that a dog could smile then you need to see my Dotted Dog. She has gone from a contained, leashed life, to one of freedom. She runs around my yard, she runs out into the field. She runs behind the barn. She’s like Forrest Gump, she started running and she hasn’t stopped. Often when she’s running about she tears up to me and gives me a hige grin before taking off a full speed again. To me, she represents the freedom we have all found since returning home.
Today we had a massive thunder storm – the kind where the entire house was dark and the windows shook. After it was over, Dottie ran outside for a while. When she came back in she was covered in mud, had the biggest happy grin on her face, and dropped a horse hoof (the trimmed part – farriers must have been here) at my feet, and danced around. Once I got over the gahhhhh so much mud to clean up moment I took in her happiness and realized that was my happiness moment for the day. It embodies everything good about being here. Freedom and fun.
New year, old friends
Today my baby turned 14. Considering the fact that I’m still having trouble adjusting to the fact that I may actually be an adult it amazes me that I have a kid who is 14. Old enough here in Alberta to have his learners license. He went and took the test and even though he’s studied hard he will need to go back and write it again.
Last night Jenna was so excited that her brother was turning 14 she stayed up late and crafted him some birthday decorations.
His dad called first thing this morning and we were all able to participate as he opened his presents. He was surprised with some new headphones. You know, the kind of things that are important at 14. Who am I kidding? I’d be happy with these headphones at 44.
As a wonderful birthday bonus he was able to run across the yard to Nana’s house and see her first thing in the morning. Of course it made me miss Dad even more, but I hope he was watching down and smiling today as Jacob takes one more leap towards becoming a wonderful and kind man.
After attempting his drivers license we went to see his Grandma for some birthday hugs and to pick up his present. How grateful we are to be back around our people. Then zipped back home for sushi with Nana
After supper we were joined by a cousin for cake. Because having a friend makes any occasion more fun.
Celebrating this day with Jacob was a happiness moment without a doubt, but I had a completely different happiness moment as well today. This morning I met up with an old friend for tea and a visit. I’ve known her ever since I was little; little enough that I don’t remember meeting her. We did Pony Club together for years and years. Then we hit our party girl years (oh my) at the same time, in a small town, so we ran together then too. But it’s been at least 25 years since we’ve seen each other. We’ve both grown up (kind of) and are married with kids, which we both found hysterical.
The excellent thing was that it was like no time at all had passed. We talked about old days, caught up on parts of each other’s lives that we’ve missed, laughed, and shared gossip about people we both know. Before I knew it three and a half hours had passed and I had to leave to take the kids out for Jacob’s special birthday lunch.
I can’t remember when in the last 15 years I’ve sat with one person for three and a half hours and just talked. What an incredible gift to be able to share that kind of time with someone. And someone that knows me so well that although we had to learn about the newer parts of each other’s lives, we knew all the basics already. I am so grateful for that time and it ranks high on my list of happiness moments. Hopefully there are many more of those to come.
Board games
it was a cold and rainy day here. The kind of day that is best spent curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book. I didn’t get to do that as much as my body was calling for, but I did sneak a little time studying my eyelids while Jenna watched Full House after school. Some day I hope to perfect napping like Ella the cat.
I had some energy work done today which was very powerful and very tiring. There’s lots of old blocked garbage hanging out in my lower back and hips that I am finally ready to let go of. My goal is to get stronger and healthier as I age and I’m making progress towards that goal. It’s not always easy nor is it fun, but the rewards are so worth it. This version of Melissa is so much stronger and peaceful and loving.
After the Full House / snore-fest Jenna and I played Spontuneous, which is a board game that requires singing. So, a game we can only play in the privacy of our own home with no one else around. When we’d finished that game we brought our train game over to my Mom’s place and the three of us sat around and played. This was definitely my happiness moment for the day. A little bit of fun, a little bit of normal. We need that.
Unanswered Questions
I suppose from now until the end of my time on Earth I will have unanswered questions. But they seem to be popping up more and more in the last three weeks. I can’t believe it’s been almost three weeks since Dad died. It feels like forever, and yet I still can’t believe most of the time that it’s actually happened. Often I’m walking along like life is normal and then I get this weird feeling that something is dreadfully wrong, and then it hits me in the gut (or heart) that something is in fact dreadfully wrong.
Lately on top of those terrible gut (heart) feelings are the number of unanswered questions that are starting to pile up. Things I wish I’d asked Dad, things I wish I’d listened more closely to when he talked to me. I so wish there was a phone line to the other side so I could ask him the things I need to know. Little things like what kind of flower is that again? and big things like what is heaven like, are you happy there? Accepting that these are conversations I will never have with him is a difficult thing to do.
Already so many things have happened and I have thought I can’t wait to tell Dad about this and then I realize…. I can’t. Countless times Dad and I have headed out for a walk along the ridge and shared our spiritual journeys with each other. It seems impossible to me that I can’t have any more of those walks. Although…. I can still feel it when I go out for my own walks. It’s not the same, but I can still feel it.
I wish I had paid more attention to what he had to say. I tried to, but it seems that so many things have been forgotten. Even near the end, somehow I thought I would have more time. And now, I’m left with these unanswered questions.
Happiness moment: after spending a couple of hours driving around town doing errands the kids and I ended up being hangry so we went out for supper. It was beautiful out so we sat on outside and played rock, paper, scissors and played eye spy. Life happens in these little moments and I find most of my true happiness comes during these times. I am so thankful I have these truly fun little people to hang out with and I am even more thankful that they like hanging out with me.
Sunbeam yoga cat.
After three months of emotional chaos I have decided it’s time to try and restore a bit of order into my life. I haven’t been following my proper routine, my exercise hasn’t been regular, and my eating habits have been horrendous. Granted, not as horrendous as before I started studying Ayurveda, but not great. It’s that sugar thing. Sugar and I have a difficult relationship.
I can feel the lack of proper sleep and the lack of exercise and poor food choices wrecking havoc on my body. The last few days I’ve been making more of an effort to get my routine back.
I’ve also been gentle with myself because in the last three months we have undergone huge change and I have every reason to have emotions out of whack. But I know Dad would want us all to look after ourselves. And I’m home and I’m going to celebrate every day.
Since the weather has been nicer I’ve been going outside for walks with Dottie. But, as seems to happen at this time of year – wildlife is getting a little too close for comfort. And, I’m bear-a-noid at the best of times. I’ve decided to give the outdoor walks a little break for a while. Or until I find a walking companion who is much slower than I am! I’m still getting used to the more recent presence of predators. I was so used to being able to walk or ride for hours and never worry about anything. Times change. I don’t.
Today I used my elliptical and then was just going to do some gentle yoga stretches. But I realized my body needed more stretching, and that my meditation practice has been thrown out the window. So instead I did a downloaded yoga class followed by a 20 minute meditation.
I rolled my mat out into the middle of the floor where there was a nice sunbeam and began my practice. No sooner was I on my mat and Ella raced over to lie in the sunbeam. She loves when I do yoga and insists on her belly being rubbed on every forward bend.
I feel SO much better after my practice. Lighter in mind and body. It served as a reminder of why I do what I do and why it’s so important to me. My happiness moment for the day. My sunbeam yoga with my cat.
Visiting time
It has not been three months yet that we have been home, but every day that we have been here I have given thanks for being back home. We had some extremely likely years while on the road and I am so grateful that we now have people close by we can visit with.
Today we had some lovely visits and it served as a reminder of how blessed we are to be back in the fold of our tribe.
Jenna had a friend over – which is a big deal. Even though we are home, she is still the new girl and it takes some time to make school friends. I loved watching them run up and down the field laughing and having fun.
During her play date, I went up to my cousin’s place and we sat and had a little visit. Although we live within yelling distance of each other, we don’t seem to have enough chances to sit and catch up on each other’s lives.
Later tonight a cousin from my Dad’s side came out to spend the night. She is here with her daughter from BC for a dance competition. Because of my Dad’s illness and death, I have seen her every week for the past three weeks, and before that it has been years and years. So wonderful to regain that connection and strengthen that relationship.
Happiness moment: having loved ones to sit and visit with. It sounds small, but it’s a huge freaking deal. In fact, being with loved ones is what it’s all about.
Reacting to karma
The other day I read a quote that went something like how people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours. It’s been floating around in my brain ever since, but I had the opportunity to put the quote into practice today.
I was driving to pick the kids up after school. Late as usual, driving on the gravel road. The speed limit is 80km/hr and I was doing it. I came around a corner and someone (whom I gave some choice words to in my head) pulled out of a drive about 5 feet in front of me and were doing maybe 15km/hr. They hadn’t stopped before coming onto the road and if they saw me they didn’t care. Slamming on the brakes on a gravel road can be tricky and I floated across the rocks for a little bit muttering some choice words.
There is a chance they didn’t see me, but the more likely option is that they did and they didn’t want to get behind me on the gravel (the dust). They kept themselves at a very slow 50 km/hr while I was stuck behind them.
At first I was mad. There are too many ignorant drivers, and I do seem to attract them. But then I went back to the quote that had been floating around in my head. How they were acting was their karma. They had to look themselves in the mirror at the end of the day and be right with how they had behaved today. How I was reacting was my karma. It wasn’t making me a better person muttering fickity flick flick and shooting them looks of death from my driver’s seat.
I need to remember that I always get to choose how I act and how I react. No matter how other people treat me. How they behave is their issue, and I can only control my own behavior.
Still not happy at being cut off, I was happy to have had the opportunity to think that quote into practice. It made me change my reaction and change my behavior.
It was a beautiful sunshine day. My happiness moment was my morning walk with my Dotted Dog. I was thinking while walking about how in Roanoke I started my happiness moments and had to look really hard each day to find one. As I was walking and letting my brain run, I noticed that my thoughts were full of things like its so beautiful here, I am so happy to be home, I love it here. Happiness.
