We always have a family show we watch together. Right now it’s Schitt’s Creek which is silly and stupid, but also really funny and we can relate to it.
A family who used to have money and suddenly doesn’t? Ummm yeah.
It’s Canadian too which is extra cool. But mostly I just like that it’s a way we gather together and unwind and spend time together.
Family is what it’s all about after all.
We had our second annual start of summer potluck at the community hall tonight.
I love this community we are part of. The roots are deep and the love is strong. It was so awesome to visit, laugh, eat, play cards, and share time with family and neighbors.
We are fairly unique these days in that we have so many families who have lived together for generations. Having flown solo for so many years in our gypsy era, I appreciate even more the grounding joy of our loved ones.
We are blessed.
Every new beginning comes from some other new beginning’s end.
This song keeps playing in my mind today. We have had lots of endings lately, and some new beginnings. Today was a new beginning day and I think it will be one giant leap towards greater peace and happiness.
I was thinking today how important it is to let the endings – good and bad – be behind me so that there is space for new beginnings. Some things I hold onto for too long, sometimes it’s not me, but I am chased by someone trying to project an old memory onto me. Either way, I need to keep space for awesome new beginnings.
I think I really needed a few days of just being quiet.. no blogging.. not much doing besides what was essential to life.
I needed to reconnect with the Divine, I needed to rebalance myself, I needed to remember that things work so much better when I come from a place of love instead of a place of fear. How he treats me is his Karma, how I react is mine. All I can do is work on how I react to things – really how I act in general.
I get anxiety when what I say and what I do don’t line up with how I feel. I also get anxiety when I don’t feel safe. But I also am learning that a lot of that is based on memories, and I am not going to be defined by those memories.
So, I’m taking a deep breath, dusting myself off yet again, and moving ahead on this path. With one very dark exception I have a very blessed life. I am going to spend more time focused on letting that light shine in instead of letting the dark take over.
Again, it goes back to my desire now for peace over all else. I want a happy life of course, but more than anything I want a peaceful life – that source of joy is eternal.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and those close to me in the last few days. So much love, strength, and power exists here. Not only with those around me, but I’m starting to realize that I have a lot of inner strength too. The strength and courage I see in my kids is almost overwhelming. They are the brightest stars in my sky and I will keep doing whatever it takes to help them heal and learn to shine their own lights into the world.
I’ve been really struggling over the last week as to whether or not I should take a blogging break. I’ve found a moment of happiness every day for almost 3 and a half years – even when dad died, when I got divorced, when he left us without money, when we have struggled, when mom died.
But right now I just don’t want to. I feel like I’m not being authentic talking about a trivial moment of happiness in days that are by far the worst I’ve experienced. And I can’t talk about that, so I can’t share the sad or the happy moments.
For right now I’m craving quiet. I don’t want the noise of social media. I need time to try and reconnect with a God I’m not sure I believe in at the moment. At the very least I feel abandoned by him. Don’t bother sending bible verses – I need action and miracles, I’ve lived on words and promises for long enough.
I know this too shall pass. I’m not sure how or when but it will. My plan is to take a break until the weekend is over and then reassess where things are at.
What I will say is that recovering from trauma is fucking hard and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to pull my kids through this.
I was unloading things from the car today when my nose notified me of another sign of spring. The blossoms are back on our beautiful crabapple trees.
My first thought was joy – ohh the blossoms are back. And my second thought was sadness – oh the blossoms are back.
When dad went to hospice three years minus four days ago, the blossoms were at their absolute best in the yard. He’d spent the last few days at home lying in his bed looking out the window at the blossoms. He died the next day in hospice.
Thank God for the movie Inside Out – it reminds me that Joy and Sadness exist together, and that sometimes Sadness takes the Joy memories and shades them blue. They’re still the same memories, there’s just a tinge of sadness attached to them.
I stood under the trees and said a little prayer of gratitude. We have had some really hard times over the last few years, but love, faith, and hope for a better tomorrow have kept us all going.
We went for a family walk this evening and saw half the neighborhood while we were at it. We have some challenges, but we are SO blessed to live where we do with our tribe around us. It’s really a unique community and I’m so grateful we are part of it.
I was ready to take a break from my blog yesterday. Not because I have found peace and happiness, but just because I’m tired and didn’t feel like looking for happiness.
But then a kind man bought me supper last night as a pay it forward moment and I remembered people are basically good.
Today I was having the same feelings, and I again witnessed incredible acts of love and kindness. It’s interesting how in the middle of pain and suffering sometimes you get to witness the most amazing moments of love.
Most people are good. The ones who aren’t get a lot of airtime it seems, but most people are good.
I was the fortunate recipient of a random act of kindness today. It was so needed – I was feeling kind of blue – and it was a good reminder that most people are good. Also that people are mostly good. There is pain and hurt all over, but we are striving for connection and love – and that’s what matters most.
I will most certainly pay it forward. It made me smile, and I’d love to share that happiness with someone else who may need it. We all need it.
We had some quiet family time this afternoon. Those two are my whole world and I love the relationship they have with each other.
I mean, they can fight like you wouldn’t believe, but they have each other’s backs in a way that warms my heart.
The girl and I spent the afternoon playing Uno. She has mad skills at that game and the only reason I ever even win a game is because of tricks she taught me.
I love that girl
