Tag Archives: abuse

happiness

In our own way

We have been really struggling in our healing process the last couple of weeks in our little family. I’m not sure why it is now that these issues are here, but they most certainly are. 

The kids have had several memories pop up bringing with them lots of questions and it’s meant a serious dose of anxiety for all three of us. 

Interestingly, not long after they started coming to me with questions and memories I found an old journal. It was one I wrote during the time we had the fight that ended our family (as it is now called). Sometimes I feel like maybe I’ve over exaggerated some of the things that went on in ourbhome, like time has made them more extreme than they were. Well, let me tell you… that is not the case at all. It was incredibly painful to transport myself back in time and relive the hurt, fear, terror, confusion, and many other things that were swirling around at that time. And to know that it went on for years… that this is the childhood they look back on… breaks my heart. 

Sometimes (like all the time) I feel like we should be over it all ready. We are home, we are safe, we should be fine. And yet we are not. One little thing happens and someone is triggered and we have to hold on for our lives to keep our balance. 

And then I remember that this is our healing journey. No one else is living it besides us, no one else gets to determine the path it takes. I’m learning every day to have faith that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. It’s tiring and tearful and I want to just be done with it, but we need to honor the process and give thanks that we are in the healing part of it. 

Happiness tonight was watching the boy play his basketball game. Every time he’s out there I see his confidence grow. He is such an amazing young man and has incredible strength. It brings me such joy to see him finding himself, knowing that he is in a faith filled spiritual journey of his own. 

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Faith or Fear

A year ago tomorrow I had an appointment to see a divorce lawyer. I was so scared and feeling vulnerable and completely blindsided. I had no idea what was ahead, all I knew was that the decision he made to sever finances from his wife and children was going to change our family and the rest of our lives.

The first couple of months after I filed for divorce were completely filled with fear. But the battle of fear vs faith was one I was familiar with. Years before when I knew that my life needed a change I sat quietly with God and realized that either I trusted Him completely or I didn’t. After having tried extensively to fix my life myself (and failing brutally), I handed it over to God in faith and everything changed.

I had to learn that lesson all over again last year. And I learned to walk in faith, I learned to trust God completely, I understood there was a plan and I just had to follow. I mean, I didn’t follow perfectly, and I certainly swore a lot at God (and doubted him too), but overall I learned to have faith and (more difficult), patience.

(Let’s be honest, I had to learn that lesson the year before as well as we were watching my dad die. It’s one of those lessons that I say ok, thanks God, that was brutal I have learned my lesson. I’ll never forget it. Please don’t be that harsh again. And then I forget and have to learn the lesson all over again)

Lately there have been fear feelings again. I don’t know why, my intuition just tells me that big changes are coming. This intuition has given me the heads up a few times over the past couple of years and has been dead on every single time, so I pay attention. I don’t know what the changes are, I don’t particularly embrace change, but I know that it happens no matter how I feel about it.

I came across this quote:

And I realized how true it is. I can either stress about whatever change is brewing, or I can walk ahead in faith.

This photo was taken almost 10 years ago when we moved from Quebec to Rhode Island. It was a big, scary move – and a huge leap of faith. It was also a step into some really, brutally hard years. But those years have also brought me into myself and there’s a huge gift in that. If all that crap hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t know that when the storm hits I can stand in it and walk through with my loved ones. I wouldn’t know that I want to surround myself with people who make me shine brighter instead of those who want to dim my shine.

I’ve changed a lot over the last year. For a while I thought I was changing back into who I was before. But, I’ve realized that’s not the case at all. I have grown into someone completely different than I have even been. For the first time in my life I know my value, I feel my faith, and I trust and love on a level I never knew was possible. So, with all the heartache of the past year there is a lot of gratitude as well. I am glad I had the opportunity to turn into this version of myself.

That is happiness, deep and lasting happiness. Being here with my kids, seeing them smile and trust and love – that is happiness. Watching them grow, seeing them bond with their tribe – happiness that bursts my heart.

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Love is what you do 

Love is not what you say

Love is what you do. 

I have begun to understand the importance of these words over the last few years. I have had people in my life who would say one thing but do something completely opposite. In fact, I’ve probably done that myself. I’m sure we all have. 

But, as I began to heal and began to focus on becoming the best version of myself that I can be, I really began to notice that what makes a person is not what they say but what they do. 

It made me really focus on being impeccable with my word (from The Four Agreements), and made me want to be surrounded by people who were the same. I’m certainly not there all the time, but it’s something I put a lot of attention on. 

I’ve talked about this amazing healing community that is being built up around the kids and me. One of them is my massage therapist who does cranial sacral treatments on both me and the boy. It helps calm the nervous system, helps with PTSD, and with anxiety – as well as many other healing things. 

But the therapist, he has really connected with my son – he gets him, understands what he’s going through, and has really gone above and beyond to help him out on his healing journey. 

We can heal ourselves and can we heal each other. And we need a community to do that in. Listening to my boy talk about the healing that is happening and the support he’s feeling as he goes through it is a huge happiness moment. 

For me, the grounding of being home and with my tribe helps give me the strength to reach out and give support 

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Patriots and memories 

We watched the Patriots game tonight. I’m not really much of a football fan, but we were trained early on in our Rhode Island days to be a fan of all New England teams. They did a good job of that. 

It had the added bonus of bringing up lots of Rhode Island memories. Because there were so many bad ones, we haven’t talked a lot about it. But the reality is that a huge part of their childhood was spent there and there were some good moments. 

So we talked about Mikes Pastries and fun day trips to Boston, my retreats to Kripalu, days spent at the beach, play dates with friends. We had a lot of fun there too. That deserves to be remembered and celebrated. 

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At The Hub

I woke up feeling pretty under the weather. The cold virus hit our family over the weekend and the boy and I have been taking turns with fever chills – no fun to say the least. 

He only had to go to school for an hour today (a tutorial during exam week) and I had no choice but to hang in town until he was done. There’s an new coffee shop near his school and I finally tried it. I love it – I think it’s my new place. It’s got comfy chairs, nice soft music, and great smelling food.  I bought a tea and sat quietly and read while he did his thing at school. That’s happiness. 


When I picked him up I also ended up driving his friend home. After we had dropped him off, my boy told me how grateful he was that I was around for him, that he hears friends talk about how they never see their parents, and although I may be a smother sometimes that he’s happy I’m there for him. That’s happiness to the core of my being. 

Providing them with a safe, happy childhood is my number one priority and it makes me glad to know that they’re feeling that. 

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Sunrise with Derek and survival mode

We have been enjoying some pretty amazing skies lately, and this morning I was fortunate enough to get outside and see the day break with my good buddy Derek. Look at that little face! How can you not love him. It warmed my heart to  start the day getting cuddles from this little dude (Peaches and George are in the back ground, the less-talked-about orphan calves).

Happiness

We finally got our lazy butts back to church after almost a month of finding many reasons to sleep in and it felt really good. I love my women’s group, and I always get so much out of the sermon.

The topic today was how to step out of the shadow of being in survival mode. This is exactly what I have come to the realization lately that I need to do. The last few years have been all about survival – there has been a lot of growth as well – but survival has been the driving force. I feel sometimes like all I do is run around and put out fires and that I never actually get to move ahead to where I want to be. My body tells me I am survival mode as it is exhausted from holding my being in a constant stressed state of flight or flight. And you know what? The danger, the stress, the fear…. it’s not present in my life anymore. I don’t need to be in survival mode. It’s like my soul, my body, my being does not know how to let go of being in survival mode.

All of that I have known for a while, but my question was how do I get out of it? Because trust me, I have been working hard to get there.

Our pastor had some ideas.

Stay the course. Show up every day, be strong and courageous to do what God wants regardless of the outcome. Work from a faith based perspective rather than an outcome based one. 

Fear keeps you from coming out of the shadows (Oh my.. this is so me). Identify your fears, look them in the eye, then list the ways that God has been faithful. I have taken huge leaps of faith the past couple of years, and I am learning how to do this one, but fear has held me back from taking chances and achieving great things my whole life.

Experience God’s word every day of your life. And remember, you can read God’s word, study His word, and not still not hear Him. We need to hear Him. I need to hear Him. Sometimes I get so busy telling Him what I want I don’t stop to listen to what He is telling me.

And then this:

Genesis 12:1-2

Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.

And he went.

Going where God wants us to go is never without leaving something behind. We need to ask what we need to leave behind in order to come out of the shadows.

The last couple of years I have left so much behind. There has been a lot of pain – some of that I have left behind, some of that I still carry with me (some of it my children still carry and I carry their burden as well). I have a pretty good idea of what I need to leave behind to come out of the shadows. I am no longer a victim. I was put in that role, and I have played it for a long time. I am no longer his victim and I don’t have to carry the emotional burden that comes along with that. I can learn to leave that behind. It has been almost a year now since I filed for divorce, I have learned so much, have gained more strength than I thought possible, know that there was no truth to that life we were living, it’s time to learn how to come out of the shadows. I’m ready. That is also happiness.

 

 

 

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Quiet party 

To celebrate her 12th birthday the girl is having a friend sleep over. It’s toned down a lot from what she had planned because of the concussion, but in many ways this is a nicer way to celebrate a new year. This is such a good friend, and they get along so well, sometimes it’s good to just celebrate with someone who really gets you. The importance of having a best friend. 

I feel both happy and content tonight. She’s having fun, the boy is in town at a basketball tournament, there is a sense of peace and gratitude in knowing my kids feel safe and settled at home. In knowing they have a home, with people who love them all around. 

This place where we live is pretty amazing. 

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Body and soul 

I had an interesting body/mind/soul connection talk with my massage therapist today. He was doing a CST treatment – which is so trauma healing, I am so excited about all the good it’s doing for me – and he asked if my physical body often manifested my emotional issues. I laughed and said hell yes. 

Honestly it’s been something that even though I’ve tried to honor and respect has led me to the end of my patience on many occasions. I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, but sometimes I can’t help but look at people who I know are way more screwed up than I am and their bodies still seem to be strong. 

He reminded me that my body is enough in tune with my spirit that when I am out of balance my body shows symptoms of it right away. In many senses that is a blessing. I know and have to focus right away on what my body is telling me, and that’s how I heal. 

Sometimes though I just wish the healing would be faster. Then I look back at where I came from. It’s pretty amazing. 

My moment of happiness was remembering that my mind, body, and soul are all working as hard as they can to return to balance and health. I’m so grateful for all the love and support that I have around me as I walk this path. I’m happy to be healing. 

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Relaxed 

We were talking today about the fact that these last two weeks of Christmas vacation have seen my little family more relaxed than we have been in years. I consider that a huge success given all the anxiety, fear, panic, stress that seems to have been part of our life for years. I mean, it’s a  really big deal. 

I’m not sure exactly what the shift was but we all seem to have really taken unwinding seriously. Even with regular Christmas stress, some divorce angst, and a death we still managed to chill ourselves to an impressive level of relaxation. I’m pretty grateful for that. 

Happiness moment today was taking the boy to the Italian Centre for what seems to be our weekly grocery shop. I love this time with him. I feel really blessed that we have the kind of relationship where he actually wants to spend time with me and talk with me about his life. It’s something I have worked hard for, but still… the pay off is so much more than I ever imagined. 

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Memory Flow


I had another CST (Cranial Sacral Treatment) today in Cochrane with my amazing, healing therapist. I’m so blessed that I have this community of healers around me. The last time I had the treatment done I had a head explosion of word vomit flow out of my brain. All that mental anxiety that was running around in my head just burst out (quietly thank goodness) and left me. Knowing that this time would most likely bring different results I was excited to discover what shifts would occur today.

This time was all about memory flowing. One thing I learned a few weeks ago when I had my transformational acupuncture treatment was that I tried to leave my body during times of pain and stress. It was a coping mechanism I developed in the years I lived with Mr. X when he was raging, and it was done very consciously. I was aware that I couldn’t leave physically – I had no money, no family around, was in a different country,  and I absolutely could not leave the kids. He would rage and then leave, but I could not go anywhere. There was no way I was leaving the house without my children. So, I learned to leave my body. I did it to avoid pain and hurt and anxiety. But if you think that leaving your body does not cause anxiety then you don’t know what you are talking about! However, it was the best coping mechanism I had at the time.

Since that acupuncture treatment I have been working very hard to stay inside my body, to stay grounded, to stay present, even when things are not comfortable. Today when the memories started flowing my first impulse was to book on out of there. But, I breathed, relaxed, and let it flow.

The memories that came were of our years spent in Rhode Island. Things started to fall apart in Quebec, but in Rhode Island everything really went to hell. It was hard to have those times that I have worked so hard to block come flooding back into my consciousness. The interesting thing about CST though is they come, they’re there, and they flow by without me getting really freaked out about them. There was a certain amount of comfort and calming in acknowledging some of those events and ugly times. It’s like my body has been yelling at me pay attention this shit really happened, it’s stuck inside you and my brain has been all no, just stuff it down, it’s not really there, we don’t want to feel that.

I also had some good times both with the kids and with my friends in those years. By blocking out the bad memories I also blocked out all the good ones as well. It was a significant part of the kids’ childhood and I want them to have memories that make them smile. I want to be able to talk about playdates, trips to the beach, day visits to Boston and remember that there were good times along with the scary ones. It’s good to have those come back.

On a personal healing level, my CST today was a huge happiness moment. It healed a lot, let out a lot, let flow some good and some bad. On a family happiness moment, I returned home this afternoon to see my daughter and my niece cross country skiing through the yard. They had been over to the neighbours along the ridge (where my dad used to love to walk), had tried downhill skiing on the buffalo jumps (I’m glad I wasn’t there to see that, but I sure remember doing it as a kid), and were laughing their way home. What a great childhood this ranch provides. What a great, safe, loving home we have here with our tribe.

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