Tag Archives: dad

happiness

Simple things 

Today my happiness was  found doing simple things. It was another beautiful day, I love these bright sunny days that have no wind. I went out for a walk along the ridge – so no wind was essential for an enjoyable time. This was where Dad would go for his walks whenever he could, and where we scattered some of his ashes. I can see why he loved it so much, it’s beautiful. I used to love riding along the creek below, so it had an extra boost of happiness as I remembered the freedom I felt spending hours wandering around with Pirate.

I stood at the spot where we scattered his ashes and cried for a while. I’m not really sure why. So much emotion has been stored up inside. Sadness over Dad, sadness over a lot of things I’ve had stuck inside of me for a long time that I’m finally learning to let go of. I’m starting to realize that I need to feel those feelings and acknowledge them in order to let them leave.  Then I had to giggle a little bit when I thought of how lucky I was that it was warm out. If it had been cold and windy all those tears would have stuck to my face, then I really would have had something to cry about.

I came back in the yard and went over to the hill where the girls were sledding. That brought lots of laughter back into my heart. There’s something about being around people who are really enjoying life that makes me feel the same way. The happiness overpowers the sad all the time.

As an added happiness moment, Jenna is still healthy and happy after her long cough. Saturday night she slept 15 hours and last night 14 hours. I am so grateful she had the time to slow down and spend time healing her body – and then time to get outside and enjoy life!

 

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happiness

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming 

It is almost impossible for me to wrap my mind (forget my heart) around the fact that Dad has been gone for 6 months today. I can convince myself for a while that he’s gone away on a trip or something, because usually over the last 10 years at least 6 months would go by without us seeing him. But, it’s harder to keep deluding myself now that we are home and he’s not here. His absence is felt so deeply I can feel it deep in my soul, as can the rest of the family.

Little things come up… like I was thinking about the fact that when we go get our Christmas tree (a big production here), that I will be the adult who has to do stuff now. Dad would normally do most of the gross hard work of getting up the tree and we would help and decorate. There were thousands of little things that he did for us, quietly and without fuss, that we are just now realizing weren’t done by magic.

But, we keep moving ahead. That’s all we can do. Dad was so full of life and loved doing jumping into activities, so the best way to honour him is to keep on swimming – Just like Dori.

My sister and her kids are down this weekend and we’ve had some Christmas cheer injected into our lives with songs and gingerbread houses. I know it makes Dad happy to see us all gathering together and having fun.

One of the gifts Dad gave me in the last months before he died was the desire to dig deeper into finding and following my spiritual path. He used to talk to me a lot about how important it was for him to work on his spirituality and to connect with God in the most intimate way possible. He may not have been ready to leave us all here, but I think as the time got closer he was ready to move on and be with his Maker. He taught me a lot about giving love and having faith. At the end of the day those are the things that matter, not the superficial stuff that is so easy to focus on.

Here’s a couple of photos of my Dad from a few years ago doing what he did best – playing and laughing with his grandkids. I have a childhood full of memories of him taking us out riding, skating, cross country skiing, hiking, and flower walking. To be able to engage fully in an activity that brings joy to everyone involved is a real gift.

I love you always Dad, thank you for everything.

Life in a bubble…

My happiness moment was sitting at the table in my mom’s kitchen with her, my kids, my sister, and her kids; while we decorated gingerbread houses. We need each other, for good times and sad times. It’s just better to be part of a tribe.

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Happy birthday Dad 

Today would have been Dad’s 75th birthday. I haven’t been home to celebrate a birthday with him since he turned 64, and now that I’m here, he’s not. Sigh. Because we celebrated the last 10 birthdays with him over the phone or on Facetime, I wasn’t sure how acutely I would feel him missing here today – that is anymore than any other day. Sometimes my brain convinces my heart that he’s just gone on a trip for a while and I’ll be seeing him soon. Denial, it’s a difficult cloak of protection.

Turns out I miss him quite a lot.

Dad loved going for walks. He was always trying to get someone to go outside and do something with him – walking, skiing, swimming – he just wanted to be outside. Today I wanted to honour his memory by walking along the ridge by our house – one of his favourite places to be. It’s actually one of the spots where we scattered his ashes, and a place where I haven’t been strong enough to walk along since.

Today I knew I needed to walk there. To go to the place that Dad loved so much and where he found so much peace.

I stood at the spot where we had scattered his ashes. I cried for a long time. Thank goodness it’s a beautiful, warm November day or my tears would have frozen on my face and that would have made a sad situation an awkward one as well. I stood and cried and looked out at the view and just let all my emotions flow. It was both really hard and really easy. I had a lot of clarity come to me in those minutes I stood there thanking Dad for all that he had given to me.

Dad was always so good about making sure that I knew that he loved me no matter what. I never had to worry that I would ever do something that would make his love for me falter in any way. As I go through life and realize that so much of what is called love is conditional it gives me an even greater appreciation for this pure and true emotion of love. What a gift to have, what a gift to give.

I stood there and thanked God for the beautiful place we live in. Dad wanted to spend eternity in the spots he loved so deeply and being there brought me such peace and comfort.

the view along the ridge where we scattered the ashes

I walked for a while with my Dotted Dog and her Naughty Puppy Friend before getting a text from Jacob that he was on his way. He walked up and joined us and we walked the rest of the ridge together.

It was so calm and warm. It felt beautiful to have the sun shine its healing rays on us while we walked and laughed over memories of Dad. The kids miss him so deeply, he was such an important force in their lives. 

Last year at Christmas Dad and I walked the ridge and for some reason decided to stop and take our first ever (and what ended up being our only) selfie. It was the last walk I took with Dad, even though I didn’t know that at the time. We had such a deep, spiritual conversation – I’m so thankful we had the time for those kinds of moments.

omg it was so cold that day

Jacob and I stopped at the same place today and took our own selfie in memory of Dad. I think he would have really liked that we were out there together remembering him. 

After I was back home, I was sitting at the table with Jenna talking about Dad. She leaned over and petted my arm and said “I bet you really miss him today”. Then she said “If it makes you feel any better, while you were out on your walk I went up to my bedroom and sang him happy birthday” and then she burst into tears. So, we sat at the table and cried for a little while. Then we found a video that she and I had made last year on his birthday wishing him a happy day. We cried some more. We did manage to keep talking through our memories until we found some that made us feel better. There are lots of good memories.

I’m pretty lucky because I had a Dad who loved life and loved to pull us into it at full force. Even when I’m sure he wasn’t interested in what I was doing he was always there to listen to me and to talk about things or to watch me do things (the hours that man spent at the side of a riding ring watching me go round and round on my horse. Both my parents spent ages in the heat or (usually) the cold watching me ride).

I work hard at continuing to walk through my grief. I miss him like crazy, but I know he would want us to jump into life with everything we have, without fear. I don’t want to deaden my emotions, I want to feel them deeply and breathe through the tough ones. If I don’t feel the sad emotions, I also won’t feel the joyful emotions. I am on this happiness journey and Dad has been a big part of that. I find happiness in new experiences and I find happiness in memories. As proof of that, my happiness moment today included remembering all the love and fun times shared with Dad, and also experiencing fun times with Jacob (and those crazy dogs) on our walk. There is more tearful happiness to come tonight as my sister and her family join us for a family supper at home.

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The door to heaven 

Jacob has been struggling with his relationship with God lately. I think it’s partly his age, partly the grief of losing his grandpa, and partly learning religion in his Catholic school when he’s been raised Anglican/Lutheran. 

Yesterday we stood in the parking lot of Save On, looking at the sunset, and talking about it looking like the door to heaven opening. On the way home I had my own personal confirmation from the heavens that I was on the right path. Little did I know last night when I went to sleep that our sunset miracles were far from finished. 

Jacob woke up this morning as bright eyed as he’s been in ages. He told me that he hadn’t prayed in a long time, but before he went to sleep he had prayed for two things. He prayed to be able to talk to his grandpa one more time, and he prayed for proof that God was real. 

He said last night he had a dream that he walked over to my parents’ house and my dad was waiting there for him. They hugged and then Jacob asked his grandpa a bunch of questions about how he was doing, what it was like and other things. This alone makes me happy as my dad came to me once in a dream not too long after he died, and all I did was yell at him that if he could appear in a dream I wanted him back in real life. 

I’ve  had Jacob tell me the whole story several times today and every time it’s the same thing with the same small details. Like how God has a calm and gentle voice that makes everyone who hears him lose all their stress and worry. Or how his grandpa lives in a house exactly like his old one here and he still sees all the alive people in the house. 

There was a lot more, Jacob walked around the house with grandpa who explained to him how he was able to be there and not be there at the same time. He talked to him about heaven and about God. Jacob is in the process of writing all this down and I will let him tell his story in it’s entirety when he’s finished. 

On the way into school Jacob was once again telling me  his dream and he said I had my prayers answered.  I got to talk to grandpa again, and I now know for absolute certainty that God is real. 

  

What a miracle. I’m still processing it all. 

My happiness moment was watching The Book of Life this evening with the kids. We didn’t know what it was about, but it actually tied in nicely with Jacobs dream and celebrating the memory of those who have passed on. The kids both really enjoyed it, and I love hearing those belly laughs. 

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Cameras, Swans, and Dad

My sister and I spent part of the weekend dividing up Dad’s cameras. It’s something I know he would want us to do, but a very difficult thing nonetheless. Dad loved taking pictures, and he loved sharing them with his loved ones. We know that he would want us to keep on taking pictures and capturing family memories.

I was fiddling with my camera this afternoon and noticed that there were still photos Dad had taken left on the memory card. It seems he took them this time of the year (or maybe it was early spring) because the swans were on the slough just like they are now.

He has some amazing swan photos, the ones on my camera aren’t some of his best work. But, it was both my happiness moment, and a  sadness moment to open them up and take a look.

I have lots of memories in my head that I will take with me forever of Dad and of our family unit. However, having these tangible memories he made for us helps my heart heal a little bit more. It reminds me to get out and look at the swans, to go out walking, to admire the mountains and the barn, to jump into life every chance I get.

I’m noticing the farther I’m getting into my days of happiness the more that happiness is truly becoming part of my life. I still look for my moment each day, but I’m getting happier and happier all the time. Happiness in the core of my being is becoming more a way of life and I’m so grateful for that.

a couple of Dad’s photos

DSC_2617 DSC_2594

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Sisterhood

There is something special about a relationship with a sister that makes it different from any other relationship. Perhaps it’s the fact that we have known each other since our beginning here, we know each other’s flaws and those things that make each other great.

There no need to pretend to be anyone other than who we are when we are together. But, that part of our relationship is something that has come with time, maturity, commitment, and work. We have navigated our way through trying to be who we think each other thinks we should be, and who we think our family thinks we should be, and have finally settled into a very comfortable state of just being with each other.

here we are in a weird state of just being with each other… (I still have my monkey costume, both my kids have worn it)

Today we got to sit down and have a long and uninterrupted chat with each other. For the past 14 years one of us has had little kids or diversions that have kept us from just sitting and talking. She still has little kids, but somehow today things worked in the perfect way that gave us this opportunity to just sit and be together. We talked about everything, from our feelings about Dad dying, to our parenting skills, to what we think we will be like as little old ladies. It’s such a treasure to have someone to talk to where conversation is so easy.

I’ve written about it here before, but Mom reminded us today that this is when real life happens – in the little moments – and it’s so important to be able to sit down and take advantage of them when they come our way.

Today my happiness moment was that sacred time spent with my sister. I’m blessed to have her in my life.

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Shifts and changes

It’s seems as though it’s time for changes both inside and out. There is no more ignoring the fact that the season has changed. The leaves are long gone, the grass has gone brown, there is frost on the ground and the car in the mornings, and now… as I mentioned yesterday, the swans are here.

it’s a terrible picture, but it was taken with my iphone as I ran after them down the ramp towards the highway. I didn’t want to upset them by getting any closer, and of course I didn’t have a better camera with me.

I have hundreds of photos that Dad sent me of the swans. He really loved it in the spring and fall when they would come stay at the slough for a while before continuing on on their migratory path.

So, it’s bittersweet. When Dad died the swans were still here, it was the beginning of spring, there was new life all around. It’s harder to see them now, but it is a reminder that life goes on, and I must too.

Even though it fills me with sad feelings of missing Dad, I still love the swans. I love them for themselves, the beautiful and graceful birds that they are. I love them because they fill me with happy memories of us all rushing out to see them and to stand and watch as they swam on the slough and flew in the field above us. I am happy because we can still do that and we can share it with each other now.

I’ve been doing lots of energy work, and am happy that I’m finally able to clear some pretty big energy blockages that I’ve had stored deep inside for a long, long time. It’s time to let things to, and to let flow and joy back into all areas of my life. It’s exhausting work sometimes, but I feel lighter and stronger and happier because of it. More and more I am seeing that I am attracting good things into my life.

My happiness moment today came when I finally understood a key part of my Ayurveda course. I’ve been struggling with this for ages and no matter how many ways I looked at it, it just wasn’t making sense. All of a sudden today *bing* something shifted and now I understand it. I had to do a little happy dance around – what a great feeling!

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Halelujah, Mr. Bean

We decided today was the day to start church shopping. It’s only taken us 6 months to get to this point, but better late than never I suppose. There are many reasons why it took us so long (laziness, summer, not sure where to go, wanting to sleep in….) but the one reason that had truly held me back really came to light today in service. It was hard for me to be in the house of God and talking about heaven and not think about Dad being there. Which is fine (no it isn’t) except for the sudden outbursts of tears I am prone to, and I wasn’t really excited about bawling my eyes out in front of a bunch of strangers who could ask me what was wrong. Because having to explain all that is just difficult.

So, I did go to church with a little anxiety today. I’m already socially awkward and I really didn’t need anything extra to have to worry about. Not too far into the service the minister started talking about heaven and God being there and loving us,  and my eyes started leaking. I can’t help when it happens, and once those tears start rolling they don’t want to stop. Actually, sometimes I think I really need to stop some afternoon and just have a good cry. I think I would probably feel better after it.

Fortunately God took pity on me and decided to break things up a little bit as the next hymn was All Creatures Of Our God and King. Beautiful hymn, but all I could think of was Mr. Bean singing in church and I couldn’t stop smirking. I really hope no one was looking very closely at me as I’m sure they would think I was prone to violent mood swings.

It was exactly what I needed though. Mr. Bean is awesome. But, aside from the much needed humour he brought to me, I needed the reminder that we are all awkward and “uncool” and weird at times. I was all blury eyed not really able to read the hymn words, but like Mr. Bean as soon as the Halelujah’s came along I could sing them loudly and with meaning. Then back to blahhhh blaaaahhhh blahhhh.

My happiness moment was sitting in church with Jenna beside me, Dad in my heart, and Mr. Bean in my brain. We all need each other, no one can walk through this life alone.

Yesterday I wrote about how beautiful the sunsets are here, and how I prefer them over the sunrises. Well, this morning when I woke up I was treated to this view out my front door:


Just a simple reminder that both the beginning and the end of things are beautiful and important.

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I said “good day”

I keep learning about the spiritual importance of sunrises and logically I understand why watching one is good for the soul. However for me and where I live, it has always been about the sunset. There’s something about watching the light disappear behind the Rocky Mountains that captures my heart. No matter how the day has been, if I can stop and spend a few minutes watching the sun go down I know that all is right with my world. If ever I’m filled with doubt or questioning myself or my relationship with the Divine,  all I have to do is look at what God is shining at me and I know that I’m loved and I’m safe.

We had a perfectly quiet moment (a big deal on a Saturday night) and I got this shot of the mountains and the sky reflected on the slough.

  The view to the west. No wonder I am always drawn to the mountains. 

I know I’m creating my own happiness, but at times like these, I have a pretty clear reminder that I do in fact have some help and that I’m not alone in this. The Universe is shouting with joy, reminding us of the amazing world we live in. I had a happy day and this was like happiness icing. It just topped it off!

My happiness moment today was working with Jenna as we pulled the last of the carrots and the beets out of the garden while Mom visited with us. The garden is officially done for the year and I’m grateful for all it has brought to us, not only produce, but memories of Dad and of how things were. It also reminds me that things keep changing and growing and that’s something to be embraced as well.

I am sure Dad was enjoying the sunset along with us tonight.

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Harvest time 


The garden this year has been a very emotional space for me. It was planted with the supervision of mom and dad on Mother’s Day weekend by my sister’s family and the kids and I.

Gardening was something we always did with dad. He always had a plan as to what he wanted to grow and where. It was difficult to say the least this year, him planning out what he wanted planted and then hearing  him acknowledge that he wouldn’t be around to watch it grow.

It has brought us a lot of joy over the summer. The weeds got wayyyy beyond me, but the looks on the kids’ faces as they’d run out to the garden to grab a carrot or check for peas was one of the highlights of the summer.

Tomorrow it will be four months since dad moved forward on his journey. Enough time for the garden to grow and then to be harvested. I’ve done a lot of personal growth during this time as well,  and I have my dad to thank for pushing me to reach forward in my spiritual journey.

It has been a year with a lot of change and amazingly through all the heartaches there have been a lot of smiles. I know for a fact that I’m a better person now than I was at the beginning of this year. And I have a lot more compassion and a lot more faith in myself and in my strength.

My happiness moment was pulling carrots in the garden with Jenna, my mom, and my sister and her kids. I know dad was there enjoying it with us too.

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