Tag Archives: dad

happiness

Stretch it out 

I woke up this morning and realized that it was time to deal with the fact that I’ve been ungrounded and out of sorts the past few days. 

Thank goodness for my Ayurvedic training. I’ve already been working at my sleep routines, but today I kicked it all up a notch. I cancelled other plans and put work to the side and spent the morning doing yoga, meditating, and going for a centring walk along the ridge with the dog 

This was the early morning view from the ridge. The moon had already gone to bed by the time I made it out there (this was yesterday morning’s photo)   
Because this was the walk I always did with dad, I stopped by where we had scattered some of his ashes and had a mini meltdown. I could feel him loving and guiding me as I gathered myself back together and carried on. 

As I was walking I was filled with gratitude that we are back in this place that is home – where we are safe and loved. 

My happiness moment was realizing that even in times of turmoil I have learned how to nurture and ground myself. Learning Ayurveda was one of the best things I’ve ever done. 

Standard
happiness

Family is family wherever you are 

One of the great gifts Dad left us with last spring was reuniting us with his family. There’s a great distance between Alberta and Ontario, and even though we now have email and FaceTime and texting, it’s still not the same as the in-person stuff.

A few days before Dad died my aunts and uncles (his sisters) came out to see him. He actually ended up passing away as they were getting on their planes and heading home. Just in case there was any doubt that it was important for him to see them – he hung on just long enough. They pretty much got home and  then turned around to come back for the funeral.

But, the benefit of those intense visits was that it bonded us together in a tighter way than we had ever been before. Through all the grief of losing a brother, husband, father, and grandfather, we found our way together into a closer unit. I know Dad would be so happy about that. Family was so incredibly important to him.

This afternoon we had my cousin’s daughter (Dad’s great niece – his sister’s granddaughter) and her boyfriend come out for a visit. I think the last time I saw her she was about 4, and she’s 21 now. It’s been a long time. Yet she called us up because she was out here and wanted to see us. Family – there is that special bond.

It’s so weird because we know all the same people yet we didn’t know each other at all. However, because of that bond it was so easy and comfortable. She is a lovely young lady (good job parents!) and it was such a delight to get to know her a little bit better. A great happiness moment.

We went out for a little drive. I love seeing home through other people’s eyes. One thing I really noticed about her is how excited she is about life. She has so much energy and joy about what she’s doing and was so engaged in what was going on around her. That’s a great way to live.

we had to stop to see the deer

I love this church

I may have ended up in jail…

Standard
happiness

Early spring

Days like today are the reason why I find March to be such a challenging month. My body already thinks it should be spring, I’ve got friends posting photos of flowers popping up (ah to be on Vancouver Island), and it seems like things have been either white or brown for a very long time. Then we get this warmer weather (actually we’ve had a lot of warmer weather lately) and I start to get fooled into thinking it’s spring. I get all happy and believe that this will be the year that spring comes at a decent time in Alberta. Then, without warning, March arrives and the temperatures go down to -30C. But, ever the optimist I get sucked in every year believing that it’s going to be different.

Maybe it will be this year. I hope so….

I decided to play hooky from my work this afternoon and I grabbed the dog and headed out for a walk along the ridge. I always have lots of memories pop up on this walk. I remember galloping across the field on Pirate, walking with my dad, tobogganing down the hill, and swimming in the creek. It’s one of my favourite places to be. I had to stop part way through and just breathe in the beauty of home. I am so grateful that we are here. We are home, safe, and surrounded by loved ones.

My happiness moment. There’s no place like home. 

Standard
happiness

Swan memories of Dad

I spent last night and most of today down for the count with a stomach virus. Not a lot of fun, but I’m grateful that I was able to rearrange life so I could take some time and get rid of it. This morning Jenna (who has the week off of school) came into my room, hopped under the covers of my bed, and snuggled up with me.

We talked about how when the kids were little and one of them was feeling sick they would pile in bed with me and we would cuddle until things were better again. There is nothing like a good snuggle with someone you love to make the rainbows come and brighten things up.

While we were lying there, my cousin texted me that the swans were back on the lake by their cabin. When I see swans I think of spring and of my Dad. He was always so excited to see them come – because it meant the end of winter and because it meant he could take some great photos. It’s hard to believe we are looking at another spring coming, which will mean he will have been gone for a year soon. What a year this has been!

I thought the girl snuggles were going to be my happiness moment, but the text about swans left me with Dad on my mind all day today. Jenna and I were driving into town so she could have a sleepover at her Grandma’s and she started talking about my Dad and some of her memories of him. It was a beautiful moment to share as she laughed about how he would flip her on her raft at the creek, and how he took her out for wildflower walks (my dad knew the names of all the flowers and very patiently spent years teaching us about them. Later on he began taking breathtaking photos of the flowers). Naturally I started to cry, but it was so wonderful to share those loving memories with my girl. I’m so glad she has these to hold in her heart. Dad loved his grandkids (and his whole family) so much, he worked really hard to make a lasting impression on us all – and succeeded.

These photos of the swans near our place are ones Dad took  3 and 4 years ago. He loved being out there with his camera!

  
The happiness moment today was sharing fond memories of my Dad. I miss him so much there is an ache in my heart, but I am so thankful for his presence in my life. Soon the swans will be here too and I will be out with the kids and my Mom watching them and thinking about our memories of my Dad.

And just in case I forgot how much I love being back home, God put on an amazing show this morning:

The view from our front yard this morning. 


Standard
happiness

Love pays it forward

I knew I should have waited until the end of the day to write my happiness moment. But I was trying to be all productive when I wrote it earlier this afternoon. 

I reflected on what I wrote as I drove into town to get Jenna from school. I thought about the lessons my Dad taught me as he was dying last spring. High among them was how he managed to not complain (huge for me, I discovered during that time that I complain about everything), and walk bravely into something that was both unavoidable and that scared him deeply. His courage, his dignity, and his grace during that time of uncertainty for him was a huge life lesson to me.

I understood that these are qualities that I need to live by now. I need to be gracious and kind during a time that fills me with fear and uncertainty.

Moving ahead with that, Jenna and I went to the grocery store to get buns for “hamburger night” (she has been craving a good burger for a while now). When we walked into the store she turned to me and said it bothers me that I can’t buy you a Valentine’s present mom. Can I borrow $5 from you? I’ll pay you back with my tooth fairy money. But, I really want to get you something. You do so much for us and I love you. Remembering that the kids expressed to me that they felt badly that they had not got me a birthday gift last month (usually I just buy something that I want and put their name on it and they give it to me. I didn’t have the energy this year and I felt badly when I realized that it had upset them), I handed Jenna over $5 and sent her on her way.

But not before I pulled her in for a big hug. Her one simple act of innocent kindness changed my entire perspective on the day. It reminded me of how very important it is to show love whenever it is possible. No act is too small.

With that warm feeling in my heart I walked by a bouquet of sunflowers mixed in with the other Valentine flowers. Dad’s flowers. I bought them and we brought them home for mom. Because the best part of love is that it needs to be shared with everyone around you. I wrapped up Jenna’s  feelings of love shared with me and passed them on. That is how you do a happiness moment!!!

Standard
happiness

All the Whos down in Whoville

I was having a difficult time keeping my smile on this morning. I’m not exactly sure why it was more of a challenge today, I guess sometimes I’m just more a bit more emotional than others. Learning to live in those emotions has been a difficult lesson for me, but an enlightening one. I’m discovering how to honour that whatever feeling I’m experiencing is real and that it also won’t last forever (the kids say I cried all of 2015 so hopefully that part will begin to taper off).

I feel like I haven’t even been able to really process my last life crisis and yet here I find myself smack in the middle of another one.

I remember listening to Dad last spring when he was talking about his quest to find his spirituality. He was so concerned that he wasn’t able to focus on it the way he wanted to. I reminded him of a conversation we had had the winter before where he had told me that he was so glad he had the time then to really meditate and get closer to God. He felt he was building up reserves that would be able to carry him through times when he didn’t have the energy to do that.

I kind of feel like all the time and energy I have spent over the past few years building myself up from my broken self was so that I would be strong enough to face all the challenges this past year has brought me. I am so thankful that I decided to start this happiness journey. To now have the skills and the ability to look for happiness in every moment, no matter what life is throwing at me allows me to live in joy even when there is sadness around.

When I went to meditate this morning I had this image of the Whos in Whoville singing around their Christmas tree come to me very strongly. No matter how I tried to focus back on my mantra or drop it from my mind, all I could see were those Whos.


I feel kind of like the Grinch has tried to steal Christmas from me lately. That image was a good reminder to me that the things that are really important when all is said and done can’t be stolen or taken away. I stand in this time of huge uncertainty with a lot of fear and anticipation, but I know in the deepest part of my soul that all of the things that are really good about my life can’t be taken away from me. I will stand around that tree with a kid’s hand grasping mine on either side and we will sing and be joyful whether the presents are there or not.

Years ago I read a book called Take the Step, the Bridge Will Be There. And I just have to have faith now that with each step I take that the next one will show up in front of me. I find surrendering a very difficult thing to do and seem to be only able to do it when there are no other options left. This past year I feel like I’ve had a lot of opportunity to practice (sigh).

My happiness moment was the ray of light that was left after my meditation. The understanding that we will be ok, that everything will work out, and that I love and am loved by those two kiddos so deeply nothing will ever change that.

 

Standard
happiness

A walk on the track

This afternoon after school, Jenna and I headed to the gym to walk along the track. It was maybe nice enough to have walked outside (except for that wind), but the last chinook left everything so icy it’s not very enjoyable walking these days.

The entire ride there Jenna babbled happily about her gym class at school. They had been playing a game and Jenna had decided to find out how fast a runner she was. She was feeling quite accomplished and was busy telling me how she felt like the Road Runner (complete with beep beeps and moments when he would get so far ahead he would stop and check his nails).

It thrills me when I pick up the kids and they are happy after a day at school. Both of them are settling into their environments and no longer feeling like the new kid. They both tell me often how this feels like home in a way that no other place ever has (well, because it is home. Real home). 

My happiness moment was walking along the track with my girl and listening to her talk about how happy she is. She talks about her friends and things they play at school, about activities they do in class, and just how much she likes being here. I love having one on one time with each kid, it was extra nice to get to move around a bit while we shared some stories.

As a bonus happiness moment, right before hitting post on my blog I had a call from my aunt (dad’s sister). We had a long and lovely conversation. I mentioned to her that one bonus that came out 2015 was that it brought us back closer with Dad’s family. I love those people and I’m so glad to be building closer and stronger relationships with them. I imagine Dad is really happy about that too.

 

Standard
happiness

Alberta Bound

I have a happiness playlist on my phone that I listen to almost constantly. The songs are many and varied, but for different reasons they all bring me happiness when I listen to them.

A year ago the song that was played over and over was Alberta Bound by Paul Brandt. By that time we have been away from home for over 10 years, Dad was so sick, and I was desperate to be back among my people. We had decided the fall of of 2014 that the kids and I would be able to return home June 2015, but I was filled with uncertainty about how that would happen and if it would happen before it was too late for Dad.

I was listening to the song again today and thinking of what I was doing a year ago right now, still living in Virginia, still so uncertain, and alone, and homesick. I played Alberta Bound continuously as I prayed that somehow we would safely return back to our tribe. I remember sitting on the floor of our kitchen repeating the words over and over

I’m Alberta Bound
This piece of heaven that I’ve found
Rocky Mountains and black fertile ground
Everything I need beneath that big blue sky
Doesn’t matter where I go
This place will always be my home
Yeah I’ve been Alberta Bound for all my life
And I’ll be Alberta Bound until I die

Somehow I figured if I repeated it often enough it would make it happen.

And then it did. Things got quickly worse with Dad and I knew that if we didn’t come back right away we would not make it in time. We packed our essentials, left the rest of the packing in the good care of my friend to supervise (and later my husband to ship) and we left. Alberta bound.

We made it in time to spend two and a half months with Dad before he died. I will be forever grateful for that time that strengthened our family for what was to come.

 Back home again. The barn built by my grandpa  
Now we live in the house that was built by my great-grandparents, beside the barn built by my grandpa ( I can see it when I look out the kitchen window. That is happiness). We have our tribe all around us, we are firmly grounded in our roots, and I can see horses in the field (you have no idea what that does for my soul). This place has always been my home and I am so thankful that we are back here. We need the love and the support of our family and friends, and we are so blessed to be blended back in with them again.

Today on my drive home from the morning school drop off I had to pull off a couple of times to admire the beauty of where I live. It was a gratitude filled happiness moment.

  Those amazing Rocky Mountains. I never get enough of them. 

  

Machinery in the hay valley by our house  
 

Standard
happiness

The heated steering wheel

It started with a heated steering wheel. To backtrack a bit, this summer my sister was showing me her new Volvo and one of the features was a heated steering wheel. 

I had just come back after spending the last 4 years in Southern Virginia, and it was a warm spring day in Alberta so I’m afraid I didn’t fully appreciate how awesome the option to have a  heated steering wheel is. 

Today I had to take my car into the Volvo dealership for some maintenance and the courtesy car they gave me had (among many other exciting features) a heated steering wheel. Extra exciting since we woke up this morning to a pretty decent dump of snow.  It was a happiness moment keeping my hands warm while I drove on the cold road.   
While I was driving back home enjoying my new ride I got to thinking about my happiness journey and how this year has taken me in directions I never would have imagined. 

Years ago when I read Eat, Pray, Love I was mesmerized by her happiness journey, but with little kids and a crazy schedule I was also pretty bent that she could run away for three months and find her balance. 

Slowly I’ve come go realize that Elizabeth Gilbert could do that because of the things that made her uniquely her. 

The things that have come into my life this year to hold, support, and encourage my happiness journey have happened for reasons that make me uniquely me. 

Not many people have family who opens up a house for them when they are in crisis and needing help. Not many families have an old house that just happens to be empty and sitting there waiting for the right moment to be occupied. 

I called on a Monday and said we were coming home, and by the weekend they had the house ready for us. And I’d seen the place at Christmas. They went to a lot of work to transform it into the place we now call home. 

Likewise, not many people have a sister who steps in and gives them a car to drive (and a pretty nice one at that). She had her old Volvo at home  to gift to Dad, but after he died she turned around and gave it to me to use. Supreme kindness. 
 
I’m learning a lot from following other people’s happiness journeys, but I’m cognizant of the fact that what makes someone else happy may not be what works for me. Likewise, the tools that other people have available to them as they walk their path are different from what I have. 

I am incredibly blessed in my life and one of the greatest things about my journey for happiness has been a reminder of the wonderful life I have been given. 

Which is sometimes  made even sweeter by a heated steering wheel. 

Standard
happiness

Life off the leash 

Years ago I put myself on a leash. I tried so hard to be the person that I thought other people wanted me to be, I  stifled a lot of the things that made me me.  Interestingly enough, the people I was trying to impress with by being someone other than myself either didn’t notice or weren’t impressed. Of course now I know that trying to be someone other than who I really am is an exercise in futility, but it took me a little while to get there.

The unfortunate byproduct of all of this sadly though was that over time of not being true to my self, I lost touch with who I really am. Thus years of anxiety, unhappiness, and tears.

One of the great things about this happiness journey that I am on is that I have started finding myself again. Not all of the stuff I’m finding is fantastic, but it’s all really me. And I’m happy about that.

It’s a beautiful day in Southern Alberta today. Apparently we are in a heat wave – experiencing above average temperatures. It isn’t beach weather, but it’s about +5C which for this time of year is pretty warm. I took the boy and the dog out on the ridge for a walk (I made it both times past where we scattered Dad’s ashes without breaking down in tears…. progress!). I listened to Jacob go on and on about the new Star Wars movie and I watched the dog run and jump in the snow.

Dottie looks like I feel. Poor Dottie had to live life on a leash for 8 years until we moved here where she has the freedom to run. She is an entirely different dog with all the freedom she has. As I’m letting go of the idea that I need to be anyone besides who I am (my leash), I’m feeling more and more like she looks.

Happy.

Freedom

My happiness moment today was walking with my kid and my dog along a ridge where my footprints have been hundreds of times before. I used to ride here, walk with Dad here, toboggan on the hill below here, and I know we have lots of new memories to make along the ridge. Off the leash.

Standard