Author Archives: Melissa

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Cameras, Swans, and Dad

My sister and I spent part of the weekend dividing up Dad’s cameras. It’s something I know he would want us to do, but a very difficult thing nonetheless. Dad loved taking pictures, and he loved sharing them with his loved ones. We know that he would want us to keep on taking pictures and capturing family memories.

I was fiddling with my camera this afternoon and noticed that there were still photos Dad had taken left on the memory card. It seems he took them this time of the year (or maybe it was early spring) because the swans were on the slough just like they are now.

He has some amazing swan photos, the ones on my camera aren’t some of his best work. But, it was both my happiness moment, and a  sadness moment to open them up and take a look.

I have lots of memories in my head that I will take with me forever of Dad and of our family unit. However, having these tangible memories he made for us helps my heart heal a little bit more. It reminds me to get out and look at the swans, to go out walking, to admire the mountains and the barn, to jump into life every chance I get.

I’m noticing the farther I’m getting into my days of happiness the more that happiness is truly becoming part of my life. I still look for my moment each day, but I’m getting happier and happier all the time. Happiness in the core of my being is becoming more a way of life and I’m so grateful for that.

a couple of Dad’s photos

DSC_2617 DSC_2594

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Sisterhood

There is something special about a relationship with a sister that makes it different from any other relationship. Perhaps it’s the fact that we have known each other since our beginning here, we know each other’s flaws and those things that make each other great.

There no need to pretend to be anyone other than who we are when we are together. But, that part of our relationship is something that has come with time, maturity, commitment, and work. We have navigated our way through trying to be who we think each other thinks we should be, and who we think our family thinks we should be, and have finally settled into a very comfortable state of just being with each other.

here we are in a weird state of just being with each other… (I still have my monkey costume, both my kids have worn it)

Today we got to sit down and have a long and uninterrupted chat with each other. For the past 14 years one of us has had little kids or diversions that have kept us from just sitting and talking. She still has little kids, but somehow today things worked in the perfect way that gave us this opportunity to just sit and be together. We talked about everything, from our feelings about Dad dying, to our parenting skills, to what we think we will be like as little old ladies. It’s such a treasure to have someone to talk to where conversation is so easy.

I’ve written about it here before, but Mom reminded us today that this is when real life happens – in the little moments – and it’s so important to be able to sit down and take advantage of them when they come our way.

Today my happiness moment was that sacred time spent with my sister. I’m blessed to have her in my life.

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4 year old bliss 

  
One of the beautiful benefits of being back home is that we get to know my niece and nephew on a more regular basis. Seeing anyone once a year is never enough, but because they’re little they weren’t getting to really know us. 

Today’s happiness moment was an afternoon spent with my niece. 4 was a great age for my kids and she’s pretty awesome at 4 as well. It seems at this age there’s no shades of gray, things are either super great or end of the world dramatic. But, when they’re super great they’re so great. 

She painted a pumpkin for me this afternoon. So now I have a tangible reminder of the happiness. 

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Shifts and changes

It’s seems as though it’s time for changes both inside and out. There is no more ignoring the fact that the season has changed. The leaves are long gone, the grass has gone brown, there is frost on the ground and the car in the mornings, and now… as I mentioned yesterday, the swans are here.

it’s a terrible picture, but it was taken with my iphone as I ran after them down the ramp towards the highway. I didn’t want to upset them by getting any closer, and of course I didn’t have a better camera with me.

I have hundreds of photos that Dad sent me of the swans. He really loved it in the spring and fall when they would come stay at the slough for a while before continuing on on their migratory path.

So, it’s bittersweet. When Dad died the swans were still here, it was the beginning of spring, there was new life all around. It’s harder to see them now, but it is a reminder that life goes on, and I must too.

Even though it fills me with sad feelings of missing Dad, I still love the swans. I love them for themselves, the beautiful and graceful birds that they are. I love them because they fill me with happy memories of us all rushing out to see them and to stand and watch as they swam on the slough and flew in the field above us. I am happy because we can still do that and we can share it with each other now.

I’ve been doing lots of energy work, and am happy that I’m finally able to clear some pretty big energy blockages that I’ve had stored deep inside for a long, long time. It’s time to let things to, and to let flow and joy back into all areas of my life. It’s exhausting work sometimes, but I feel lighter and stronger and happier because of it. More and more I am seeing that I am attracting good things into my life.

My happiness moment today came when I finally understood a key part of my Ayurveda course. I’ve been struggling with this for ages and no matter how many ways I looked at it, it just wasn’t making sense. All of a sudden today *bing* something shifted and now I understand it. I had to do a little happy dance around – what a great feeling!

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calgary, dad, death, family, federal hill, gnocchi, gratitude, happiness, home, italian food, mercato, mourning, pasta, rhode island, simon and garfunkel, swans, venda ravioli

Sometimes happiness is a belly full of pasta

One of the perks of living in Rhode Island was that we had easy access to good Italian food (American/Italian food some of it, but the Italian part was strong). One of my favourite things to do was to head up to Federal Hill and go to Venda Ravioli for lunch and some food shopping. I loved everything about that area, but I especially loved sitting outside at Venda Ravioli, near the fountain, and having a beautiful bowl of fresh pasta. It made my soul feel comforted.

After leaving RI we didn’t have easy access to good, fresh, Italian food. One time in Roanoke, Jenna and I made ravioli at home – it was delicious, but it didn’t end up being something we did on a regular basis. All three of us get strong cravings for good, fresh pasta that has been made with love. That’s harder to find than you’d think.

Today we had a doctor’s appointment in Calgary. A big deal since finding a doctor here is not an easy feat. She seems really nice and I think it’s going to be a good fit, so we all left our appointment happy. On the way back out to Cochrane I stopped at our post office to pick up a package. The powers that be at Canada Post have decided that the best place for me to pick up parcels is some obscure place in SW Calgary, nowhere near any place I go.

By the time we were finished with the doctor and had the parcel it was 11:00 so we decided to stop for lunch. Even if we had kept going to Cochrane, by the time the kids had arrived at school it would have been lunch time. So, we slowed down and enjoyed the moment.

I had noticed before that there was an Italian restaurant beside the post office and it had a good vibe so I figured we would try having lunch there. Mercato – a little piece of pasta heaven. The inside was completely different from Venda Ravioli and the owner didn’t come around to the tables serenading us, but the food…. the food brought me right back to my lovely pasta meals by the fountain on Federal Hill.

I ordered gnocchi and the kids had spaghetti and meatballs (how can you ever go wrong with that when you’re a kid?). As soon as the food came the table got very quiet. Besides the odd moan and oh my God this is good there wasn’t a lot we could say. Until we were done that is and Jacob jumped off his chair and ran over to their grocery section and informed us that we were bringing a mini lasagne home for supper.

Today felt like a day that I needed more comforting. I’m not exactly sure why, but the past couple of days I feel like I’ve been missing Dad even more. I keep running into things that remind me of him: Simon and Garfunkel keep playing on the radio, the swans are back on the slough, I had a bunch of things I wanted to talk to him about, the kids keep saying how much they miss him. A few times I’ve forgotten that he’s actually dead and I want to go over to tell him something and then I realize I can’t.  It’s been sad but good as I let those emotions flow through me. I know it’s all part of the process, but I’ve needed a bit more love and comfort.

Sometimes comfort comes in the form of a big bowl of gnocchi. It is more comforting to share that meal with loved ones and there’s no one I would want to share my happiness moment today with than my monsters.


Well… and maybe share a dessert with.

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It comes shining back 

I had to deal with the government again today about Jenna’s passport. Since Christmas, it seems as though every time I go to the passport office I burst into tears. This happened partly because I was in a weakened and emotional state, and partly because the man I was dealing with was pretty much a power hungry bully. This time however, I was going to a different office and dealing with different people so I had hopeful expectations. A few weeks ago, when I had first applied for her passport somehow our birth certificates had got mixed up and mine was sent in instead of hers. When they called to tell me this, we were heading into the thanksgiving weekend when everything was closed. The next week I went one time and forgot my reference number, I went again and was told they were 3 hours backed up and were closing in an hour and a half.

So, I tried again today. I’ve been really focusing on the intention of putting kindness and love energy into the world and I’m discovering in so many ways how it is coming back to me. I arrived at their office and was brought in to be helped in under 5 minutes. The lady was very kind and together we made sure everything was done correctly this time.

I walked out feeling a huge sense of relief and gratitude that something that previously had been unpleasant had now been reprogrammed in me as an easy experience.

This afternoon when I picked up Jacob from school he handed me a card. He said “here, this is for you, you’re in trouble” and smirked. Great…. what is this???? I opened it and it was a thank you card signed by all the students and the teacher because I went and helped supervise on a field trip last week. Never in all the times I’ve volunteered have I received a card. It was so thoughtful and touching. I was really impressed.

Then I realized how all the positive energy I’ve been focusing both inwards and out into the world are starting to shine their way back into my life. I’m so grateful for that. It’s nice to be smiling in the light instead of crying in the darkness. My happiness moment today.

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Fondue Fun

  
Tonight we had an unconventional family meal. We set up Inside Out on the Ipad (because we love it), and watched it while I prepared our meal – then because we were into it we watched during the meal. I had picked up a small roast earlier today because the kids were asking for “real roast beef sandwiches” and I’m all for finding something besides luncheon meats for their sandwiches. Turns out what I thought would give them supper tonight and sandwiches tomorrow was not big enough – I still am not used to teenage appetites – but they sure enjoyed it.

We made an unexpected stop at the cheese shop on the way home and fondue cheese was on sale, and my willpower is weak around cheese… so….. we had cheese fondue and roast beef for supper. Ok, well, I may have just had copious amounts of fondue… so good… cheese… Not exactly on the Ayurvedic plan I follow, but sometimes a girl’s gotta eat cheese.

I love the whole act of the fondue. Dunking your bread chunk into the melted cheese. The silly mess of the whole thing. Drooling up long strings of cheese. And, anyone who knows me knows that usually this kind of eating grosses me out (gag), so the fact that we have so much fun at it speaks volumes. I love just being able to relax and be silly and eat fun good and giggle.

It was a much needed laughter break at the table. I’m grateful every day that these two like spending time with me. They are my greatest blessings and it brings me such joy that we all truly enjoy each other’s company.

My happiness moment today. Fondue fun(due).

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Rock the vote 


For the last 8 years we have been residents of the USA. Residents, but not citizens as we maintained our Canadian citizenship. For most things this didn’t really affect me – but when it came to voting it was a constant reminder that I was not living in my own country.

It used to drive my kids nuts when an election would come and I wouldn’t go out to vote. As they got older they could better understand the fact that since I wasn’t a citizen I wasn’t allowed to vote. But, they were so well taught in school that your vote matters it still upset them (and me).

Well, today I was able to vote in our federal election because I’m in my home country, where I am a citizen,  and am allowed to cast a vote. There was no way after all the struggles that the women before me went through so that we could vote that I was not going to head out to the polls.

It does not matter (it does to me) who I voted for, the point is – being able to vote is a big freaking deal. Being able to have a say in how we want our country run is one of the things that is so wonderful about Canada. I am so proud to be a Canadian and I am proud to say I voted today and tried to make a difference. My happiness moment.

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Halelujah, Mr. Bean

We decided today was the day to start church shopping. It’s only taken us 6 months to get to this point, but better late than never I suppose. There are many reasons why it took us so long (laziness, summer, not sure where to go, wanting to sleep in….) but the one reason that had truly held me back really came to light today in service. It was hard for me to be in the house of God and talking about heaven and not think about Dad being there. Which is fine (no it isn’t) except for the sudden outbursts of tears I am prone to, and I wasn’t really excited about bawling my eyes out in front of a bunch of strangers who could ask me what was wrong. Because having to explain all that is just difficult.

So, I did go to church with a little anxiety today. I’m already socially awkward and I really didn’t need anything extra to have to worry about. Not too far into the service the minister started talking about heaven and God being there and loving us,  and my eyes started leaking. I can’t help when it happens, and once those tears start rolling they don’t want to stop. Actually, sometimes I think I really need to stop some afternoon and just have a good cry. I think I would probably feel better after it.

Fortunately God took pity on me and decided to break things up a little bit as the next hymn was All Creatures Of Our God and King. Beautiful hymn, but all I could think of was Mr. Bean singing in church and I couldn’t stop smirking. I really hope no one was looking very closely at me as I’m sure they would think I was prone to violent mood swings.

It was exactly what I needed though. Mr. Bean is awesome. But, aside from the much needed humour he brought to me, I needed the reminder that we are all awkward and “uncool” and weird at times. I was all blury eyed not really able to read the hymn words, but like Mr. Bean as soon as the Halelujah’s came along I could sing them loudly and with meaning. Then back to blahhhh blaaaahhhh blahhhh.

My happiness moment was sitting in church with Jenna beside me, Dad in my heart, and Mr. Bean in my brain. We all need each other, no one can walk through this life alone.

Yesterday I wrote about how beautiful the sunsets are here, and how I prefer them over the sunrises. Well, this morning when I woke up I was treated to this view out my front door:


Just a simple reminder that both the beginning and the end of things are beautiful and important.

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I said “good day”

I keep learning about the spiritual importance of sunrises and logically I understand why watching one is good for the soul. However for me and where I live, it has always been about the sunset. There’s something about watching the light disappear behind the Rocky Mountains that captures my heart. No matter how the day has been, if I can stop and spend a few minutes watching the sun go down I know that all is right with my world. If ever I’m filled with doubt or questioning myself or my relationship with the Divine,  all I have to do is look at what God is shining at me and I know that I’m loved and I’m safe.

We had a perfectly quiet moment (a big deal on a Saturday night) and I got this shot of the mountains and the sky reflected on the slough.

  The view to the west. No wonder I am always drawn to the mountains. 

I know I’m creating my own happiness, but at times like these, I have a pretty clear reminder that I do in fact have some help and that I’m not alone in this. The Universe is shouting with joy, reminding us of the amazing world we live in. I had a happy day and this was like happiness icing. It just topped it off!

My happiness moment today was working with Jenna as we pulled the last of the carrots and the beets out of the garden while Mom visited with us. The garden is officially done for the year and I’m grateful for all it has brought to us, not only produce, but memories of Dad and of how things were. It also reminds me that things keep changing and growing and that’s something to be embraced as well.

I am sure Dad was enjoying the sunset along with us tonight.

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