Author Archives: Melissa

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My (not so ) Secret Crush on James Barber

“Cooking, like sex and dancing, is a pleasure best shared.” (James Barber, The Urban Peasant)

Somehow I made it into my 20s not having any idea at all how to cook. Honestly, I don’t think I was very interested in learning. I liked eating, but I had no interest in how the food got to my mouth. I was perfectly happy eating a sandwich on my way to the barn.

Around the age of 22 I took a job at a busy show-barn and I was often so tired from working and riding that I had no desire to go anywhere anyway. Because we were in the country we had only 3 channels – one of them being CBC. This was a glorious time (in my mind) for CBC because on Friday nights they would show Mr. Bean, The Kids in The Hall, and This Hour has 22 Minutes. Even if I had the option to go out on a Friday night I would choose to stay home so I could laugh myself silly all night.

But at 10:00 am every weekday there was this man who would come on the CBC. A man who ended up changing my life. I fell in love with James Barber the first time I watched his show The Urban Peasant . I think part of the reason why I was unwilling to cook – once I moved out and had no other way to actually feed myself – was because I had no idea how to do it. What if I didn’t have an ingredient? Did that mean I had to scrap the whole thing? What if I didn’t measure something properly – would it be ruined? What if I followed the recipe perfectly and it turned out tasting like crap?

James Barber was cooking some sort of stew and was talking away and went to grab a spice. It wasn’t on the counter where he thought it was. He turned and went through his cupboard and it wasn’t there either. Instead of going into full out panic mode like I would have, he just said ‘Oh, I’ll use _______ instead, it will make it taste just as good’. I was like ‘you can do that???’ It changed how I looked at cooking. It sounds simple I know, but watching him free flow and create in the kitchen gave me the confidence to start experimenting myself.

Some of the the things were pretty gross that I made, but some of them were actually pretty good. And as I practiced they got better and better. I gained some confidence and some basic knowledge and started to really enjoy myself. I began taping his show (old-school on the VHS) in the morning so that I could watch it when we were done cleaning the barn -and I was so tired I could barely move. I started developing a real (one sided) relationship with him.

Years later my sister in law treated me to a cooking lesson with him. It remains one of the coolest things I have done. He was just as awesome in person as he was on TV. Full of passion and fun and life. He made all of us participants as excited about the meals he was creating as he was. I remember the food he made, I remember how it tasted, but probably what I remember best was what he said – it was something like: “If you ever move into a new apartment and you’re having difficulty meeting people, just put some onions in your frying pan with some butter and start browning them. The smell will be so amazing that people will start coming knocking on your door just to see if they can have a bite.”

Over the years I bought all of his cookbooks and made almost all of his recipes. Everyone around me got Urban Peasant cookbooks for their birthdays and Christmas.

I have always felt a huge amount of gratitude to this kind man who taught me not only how to cook, but how to love to cook. I think of him when the kids are creating in the kitchen. They approach it with the same freedom and joy.

Sadly he passed away in 2007 at the age of 85, but even that he did in a way that showed how much he loved the life he was living:

“He was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a cookbook when he passed away,” said his wife Christina Burridge. “There was a pot of chicken soup on the stove. He would have been pleased.” She said his death was sudden, unexpected and most likely a heart attack. (from his obituary)

He made me want to be like him – loving what I was doing. Living the life as they say.

My happiness moment on day 43 of the 44 days of happiness came early this morning. The kids were sitting at the kitchen table in kind of a stunned silence waiting for breakfast. With the time change it’s now dark when they get up so we sit staring at each other instead of the sunrise. Jacob slumped down in his chair and said “It’s still dark out, why do we have to get up before God gets up? This is wrong!”

Which I agree with, but they do have to go to school sometimes.

We went on to talk about how nice it had been to have these latest snow days off. Jenna mentioned how different it would be if I was working. I said that they would have to be dropped at a sitter, or have someone come in and look after them. Jacob said how hard it would be to have to go somewhere all summer long and not be able to just hang out and sleep in in the mornings. They both looked at me and said thank you for deciding to stay home with us so we can do things together. Jenna said she was so happy that it was me that was the adult who was with her and Jacob said that he was happy that we got to spend time together. I told them how happy I was that I was so blessed as to be able to watch them grow and to be there every step of the way.

It was a real heart warming moment. There is such a struggle for women – to work or to stay home – and both of them have huge benefits and also huge downsides. But this morning, in that moment I felt my inner sunshine as I knew that all the choices I’d made were the right ones for us.

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Churna time and a day of bliss

I finally got to making my kapha churna. I’ve mentioned it the past couple of days when I posted recipes for saag and for kitchari.

A churna is a mixture of different dry herbs and spices and is used frequently in Ayurvedic cooking. Ayurvedic churnas combine all six of the ayurvedic tastes: sweet, sour, salty, pungent, bitter, and astringent. While it enhances the flavour of a dish, each one of the spices has it’s own medicinal properties. They can be sprinkled onto or cooked into any dish, however for better absorption they can be sauteed in ghee before being added to the dish.

Here are the ingredients for a kapha churna (from Eat, Taste, Heal)
Ingredients:

  • 1 tbl. fenugreek seeds
  • 2 tbl. whole coriander seeds
  • 1 tbl. ground ginger
  • 1 tbl. whole cumin seeds
  • 1 tbl. ground turmeric
  • 1 tbl. ground cinnamom
  • 1 tsp. ground clove
  • ½ tsp. cayenne pepper or chili powder

Preparation:

1.      Put all ingredients in an electric grinder or spice mill and grind them.
2.      Store in airtight container such as a glass jar.

Don’t the spices look pretty? Jenna stood over the plate and smelled and smelled and said how wonderful they were.


  Put them in a coffee/spice grinder and grind until fine

 

Place the churna in an airtight glass container.

Enjoy!!

My moment of happiness on day 42 of the 44 days was more like a full day of happiness. I was trying to figure out what the best part of the day was, but honestly this entire day has been one of happiness. I’ve noticed that as I’ve spent these past 42 days really focusing on happy things that more and more happiness is coming into my life.

This is how the morning started

When there is a sunrise or a sunset that is this fabulous I always imagine God dancing around like an excited 4 year old saying “look what I did!! Look!! Isn’t it beautiful? Look!! Stop and pay attention!!!”

So I did. I sat with my cup of tea and watched the sunrise with the dog and the cat ignoring each other on either side of me. As the rays moved on, Ella and I went and played our game of fetch. The colours from the sunrise were still coming in the window and they lit her up. She looked so pretty.

Before church I met a friend at Mill Mountain Coffee and we sat outside (outside!!) and had a wonderful visit in a sunbeam.

I didn’t have to teach children’s chapel so I got to sit in through the entire service which was led by the kids. It was a joyful service.

Jacob and I took a church selfie. Is this ok to do? Probably not.

I ran into  friend I haven’t seen in a few months. After losing a child late in pregnancy she and her husband have a wonderful, beautiful adopted son. Joy! Joy! Joy!

We drove to the Co op after church and we could see buds (buds!!! Spring!!!) on the trees.

I had a nap. An awesome, blissful, middle of the day nap (Jenna was at a sleepover last night and I had to check my phone 10,000,000 times at night to make sure she hadn’t called as she sometimes does).
It’s 7:15 and it’s still light out! I love daylight savings time!
Sunday Funday
 
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Saag, my new comfort food

Saag, saag, saag, I love it. It’s my go to order at any Indian restaurant. It’s become my adult comfort food in the same way that grilled cheese and tomato soup was in my childhood. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make it at home, and to make it kapha pacifying (which is what I need right now).

I have a habit of finding something I like and then eating it for ages until I finally get sick of it. Then I have to rotate off for a while, enjoying something else before I come back around to it. These days I’ve been working on a kapha balancing saag. Perfect for what I need to be balancing for myself and perfect for kapha season.

I leave out the more traditional paneer and cream to lighten it up a bit to pacify kapha. Feel free to add some if it’s your desire.

Our local co op has their own garden and their spinach is ready. It has such a fantastic smell. Like real food. It reminds me of being in the garden back home. I can’t wait to have a garden again.

Fresh spinach in the pot

Combination of split mung dal and basmati rice in a separate pot

Add water to the rice/dal mixture- if possible let it soak for a few hours, then boil and simmer on low until done

Add boiling water to cover the spinach in pot. Cover and let it sit for a few minutes to blanch the spinach

Water on the spinach.

Meanwhile chop up some ginger. There’s fresh turmeric at our Co op right now so I add some of that too (instead of adding powdered later on)

Finely chopped onion

After about 5 minutes strain the spinach into a colander and put in a bowl with ice water (I get lazy here, I just put it in the colander and run cold water on it, shhhh don’t tell anyone) doesn’t it look fantastic? I love spinach. Have I mentioned how good it smells?!


In the pot that had the spinach melt some ghee ( I keep a bit of water in the pot to ensure the oil does not get to too high a temperature) and add cumin and fennel seeds, let fry for a couple minutes

Add the onion, continue to fry until the onion has turned kind of translucent

Meanwhile put the ginger, turmeric and spinach in a blender and whirr it all up until it’s completely blended (you may need to add a bit of water)

Here are the onions all done and ready for the next step

Add some chopped up fresh tomato. It’s March in Virginia and we have 6 inches of snow outside. There are no good tasting tomatoes, I’ve been using these ones by Muir Glen

stir it all in and let simmer a minute or so

Add the spinach mix into the pot – pretty green isn’t it?

Add some spices – here I’m using garlic, and a curry spice. We were snowed in and I had to use what was available. Normally I’d have made a kapha churna to add in

Here it is all done. I added some pumpkin seeds on top. I made this before my yoga class and put it in the warming oven for 2 hours. It tasted much better with the long slow low cook. 

I’m bad at exact measurements but here’s what went into one serving

1/4 cup basmati rice

1/8 cup split mung beans

1 3/4 cup water

(those things I actually do measure)

These go in the separate pot. Bring to a boil then simmer 20-30 minutes until done. Soak the mung beans first in water

3 or so big handfuls of spinach. Remember it shrinks up to nothing when it cooks

2-3 tablespoons of onion (I like onion, you could use less)

2 tablespoons of canned tomatoes. In the summer I’d use one smallish tomato

1 tablespoon kapha churna (in this case since i didn’t have the ingredients for it –  I used a tsp cumin and a tsp curry and a pinch of garlic)

Big pinch of fennel, big pinch of cumin

1/2-1 tsp ghee

little nub of ginger, smaller one of turmeric – do it to taste.

I am going to grocery shop tomorrow. I will make the kapha churna and post it then

My happiness moment on day 41 of the 44 days of happiness came this morning. Jenna has a sleep over tonight and decided that instead of going to buy a bag or wrapping paper that she would sew a bag to put her present in. She sat at the table and figured out all by herself how to put this bag together. She even put on a handle for easier carrying. It brought me such joy to see her sitting enjoying herself while learning a new skill. I was so proud of her – but mostly so happy that I got to be there enjoying the process with her. She’s pretty awesome.

(she was happier than she looks in the picture….)

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Barley Kitchari

Another snow day here. Seriously, it’s March 6th. Spring can not come soon enough for me. Most of the winter was pretty mild – until the last 6 weeks when it seems like we’ve had storm after storm. Then I go on Facebook and see pictures of our friends up in Rhode Island and the Boston area and realize we don’t have it so bad. Plus I have had a lot of bonus home days with the monsters – and I love that.

It was cold and damp feeling out today – Kapha like day. And we are entering into Kapha season, so I decided to make an appropriate meal – barley kitchari. Super simple and super yummy.

You need: (for one serving, increase accordingly)

1 tsp ghee

1 tsp fennel seeds

1 tsp coriander seeds

1 heaped tsp kapha churna (you can buy this at MAPI.com, and in the next day or so I will post a recipe you can make at home)

1/4 cup pearl barley, rinsed

1/8 cup split mung beans (let soak in water for an hour prior)

1.5 cups water

optional: steamed broccoli, pumpkin seeds, raisins

Heat the ghee in saucepan over medium heat. Add the fennel and coriander seeds and saute until fragrant (3-4 minutes)

add the barley, mung beans and water and simmer for aprox 40 minutes, stirring occasionally.

If desired add broccoli, raisins, and pumpkin seeds.

So yummy

Kapha season is in the spring when it is wet and damp and sometimes still chilly. Unless you live in Alberta and then springtime is about an hour and a half sometime in June (but that hour and a half is awesome – I love standing out in my parents’ yard looking at the cherry blossoms – until that chinook wind blows them all off).  Kapha is comprised of Water and Earth and is cold, heavy and stable. It governs the structure and the lubrication of the body. Kapha is most aggravated by sweet, salty and sour tastes and is balanced by bitter, astringent and pungent tastes.

Kapha is what I need to be balancing right now, and since it’s the season for it – it’s kind of a double whammy reason for me to get some kapha recipes ready.

Happiness moment for day 40 (40 already!!) of my 44 days of happiness came this morning. Ms. Ella has stashed away all of her mice and we can’t play fetch anymore. She says she does not remember where they are, and has informed me that this is my problem and that I need to fix it. Jenna – bless her – sat down at the table and pulled out her sewing box. She spent a great deal of time figuring a way to stuff catnip inside a cotton ball and then sewing that inside some fabric.

Ella approved. She is content for the time being.

I am so proud of Jenna for learning how to sew and figuring things out as she goes. Goodness knows she’s not going to learn anything from me. But she is determined and loves making new creations.

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Ghee, that was simple!

For some reason I found the idea of making my own ghee quite intimidating. I don’t know what gave me the impression it would be difficult because the reality is that it is so very simple. The most challenging part of the whole process was trying to remember where I’d stored my cheesecloth.

We’ve had so many snow days in the past month (we get a 4 day weekend this week thanks to the latest storm), it’s given me a chance to try out some things in the kitchen I’ve been wanting to get to.

Ghee – or clarified butter – is widely used in Ayurveda. It is said to balance all three doshas (although it should be used sparingly for Kapha due to it’s oily nature). It can be used as a vehicle to carry herbs and other medicines deep into the tissues of the body. It also helps kindle Agni – or the digestive fire.

Here’s my ghee making process. I start with this grass fed unsalted butter – it’s so yummy. 

Put the butter in a pot on the stove, turn the stove onto medium heat and let the butter melt

Melt, melt little stick of butter

After a bit you’ll start to hear a crackling kind of sound. Turn to medium low and let crackle for about 20 minutes. My butter is less than a pound so it finishes at about 15 minutes. You don’t want to leave it for too long and have it burn.

Crackle, crackle…..

Put your cheesecloth over a glass jar and pour the butter into the jar. All the impurities from the butter stay in the cheesecloth and your butter is clarified. 

Look at how nice and golden it is! Let it sit on the counter until it hardens into solid form

Then you can put the lid on it and put it in the cupboard. It does not need to be refrigerated. It will keep in a cool, dry place for a couple of months (like it will last that long)

So ridiculously easy. So yummy.

The kids and I were home today because we had yet another massive snow storm. The storm was expected to hit early this morning, but didn’t come until early afternoon so we escaped the house to do a few errands. Because we were expected to be snowed in I left the house a complete disaster safe in the knowledge that no one would want to be out house hunting on such a day. Naturally we got the call. I was standing in Panera with the kids ordering soup when the realtor called and wanted to come see the house right away. Ummmmm – no. I just don’t live in a show ready home. I bought us a couple of hours to get ready so we had our lunch and raced home to clean up.

When we finally were feeling like the house could be seen by other people, I called the realtor and left him a message telling him he could come early if he wanted. Then the kids and I sat on the couch teasing each other about who was the most immature person in the house (this is a badge of honour for us). I was busy claiming most immature person of the year when my phone rang. Jacob was closest to it so he answered. I figured it was the realtor, but couldn’t understand why Jacob got this stressed out look on his face and turned kind of a funny colour. He handed me the phone – it was the realtor – and we sorted out times.

After I ended the call Jacob said “well, that was weird. I answered and the guy just started talking to me. He said ‘I just had a message from your wife about seeing the house earlier’ and I had to cut him off and hand the phone to you.”

This is what happens when you are 13 and your voice changes into a big deep man voice!!! Jenna and I literally fell down on the floor and rolled around we were laughing so hard. I said ‘I guess you’re the mature person in the house then, bwaaahaaa I’m off the hook’. Even Jacob found it funny – although I think he found our laughter funnier. That was our happiness moment on day 39 of the 44 days of happiness.

The people showed up at the same times as the snow storm. Here’s crossed fingers that they liked the house, because I’m right tired of this whole selling process.

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Tracing our Roots – Finding Ourselves – Passing it On

When I was 5 or 6 I had this Shetland-Pony-From-Hell (are there any other types?) named Tango. He was stubborn and ornery, and didn’t like anyone or anything except green grass. Sadly for him he was of the short roly-poly sort and his grass consumption was kept to a bare minimum – making him even more cranky and ornery and unpleasant. I didn’t know any better. I loved him. Had he not been starving to death he may have even loved me a little bit. If he did, he hid it well.

Pony Club was held at my uncle and aunt’s place and they had the best D-Rally and the best Cross Country course around (in our minds anyway). They were out in the middle of the Foothills with a wonderful rolling view of pasture land towards the Rocky Mountains. At age 5 or 6 I competed in my first D-Rally with my little treasure of a pony Tango. I don’t remember anything about the day except the Cross Country course. All of the little kids went at the beginning, so when it was our turn Tango and I shot out of the gate at a pace that would have given a snail whiplash. I was focused on the jumps and where we were going. Tango was entranced by the miles and miles of grass, grass that went up past his withers – and aware that the only thing that was stopping him from the gorge of a lifetime was this little peanut on his back and some flimsy grass reins made of binder twine (binder twine is like duct tape – it fixes everything).

Going up to the first jump I had lots of ambition and lots of energy. I kicked and yelled and willed him over that jump. We landed, he walked a couple of steps and then he just stood there blissfuly eating grass. I kicked, I yelled, I did everything I could think of. Nothing. Finally I got off and yanked-led him to the next jump. I walked him up to it, climbed on and kicked him over it. Naturally the same thing happened on the other side. Little bugger stood there in grass heaven while I kicked, yelled, and eventually got off and led him to the next jump.

This went on and on. I walked that damn pony all around the course. I don’t know how long it took me – but I was an E and the D1’s, the D2’s and the D3’s all went while I walked that course. This was way before cell phones, no one was tracking me although the judges at the jumps cheered me on and knew I was alive – there was no contact back to the main event. No one came out looking for me to make sure I was ok, although I did hear that my uncle would ask kids to see if they noticed me out there when he gave them their countdown to go.

It wasn’t until I was an adult and retelling the story that for the first time I thought “I wonder why I didn’t just turn around and go back. I knew I was getting eliminated. I knew I wasn’t going to place – what made me keep going?”

Well, that day was almost 40 years ago (gasp), and I can still remember the feeling I had out there on that course. I can tell you exactly why I didn’t turn around and quit. I was so mad at that freaking pony. There was no way he was going to win. It was a battle of wills and I was going to win it no matter what the cost.

I made it all the way around that course and I was happy. He ate his heart out for a few hours whilst having the inconvenience of having a little peanut on his back whacking away at him – I’m sure he was happy too. 



 What is the point of this?

My bedtime read these days is a book called 4 Acts of Personal Power. It was given to me by a friend in Quebec years ago and lately it’s been calling me to read it. The first act is knowing your family roots. Knowing that you are a part of a group, a chain, a process – not thinking and feeling like you’re floating alone in the world. We all come from somewhere, we all have roots of some type.

Every family has it’s own traits, characteristics, values. Some of them are good, positive ones that help the group and the individual. Some of them are either negative ones that cause harm, or outdated ones that no longer hold the virtue they once did. It’s about tracing back through your family and seeing what sorts of traits you want to pass on to future generations and which ones you want to halt in their tracks at your generation.

For me, this is a good one to be working on because I’m really feeling the ungroundedness of having spent too much time away from my clan. We have been floating about, a little isolated unit, for 10 years now and it has taken a huge toll on us. It is sometimes easy to forget that we are part of a whole, part of a larger unit, part of a group where we belong.

And much as I love my family, and am so thankful for the large unit of love and support I have, as with any family, there are traits I want to pass on and ones I want to halt in my generation.

My story about Tango showcases many of those traits:

Stubbornness can be a good thing. It made me dig in and keep going even though odds weren’t in my favour. It was something I wanted to do so I just did it. My ancestors had to be stubborn in order to ensure survival. They had to get up every day and feed cows whether it was nice out or not (and not happens a lot in Alberta). They had to keep working until the work was done so that they could eat, have a roof over their heads, provide for their family. It can be a bad thing as well. Refusing to see things from other people’s perspectives, not caring about other’s opinions, refusing to admit when you are wrong.

Courage I had to summon all my courage as a little thing out there, going through huge fields by myself. I had set my intention on something I wanted done and I did it. My great grandfather came to Canada from Ireland in the 1880s. He eventually started ranching in the Calgary area with his two brothers. But they left behind their home, the rest of their family and their friends to start a new life in an unknown wild land. That took an insane amount of courage that has benefited our family for generations to come. On the downside, sometimes you can be brave in situations that it’s not necessary for you to participate in, or challenge yourself in ways that aren’t safe or smart – just to prove that you can.

Manipulation – not sure there’s an upside to this one. It’s just something I’d like to bury in my generation and not pass on.

Strength – It took a lot of both physical and mental strength for me to fight that pony around the course. Physical and mental strength has served my family well over the years. It took strength to build a house, barn, ranch in an unknown land. Strength to raise a family in a new place. Ive drawn on this one a lot in the years that we’ve been gone. I think of my great-grandmother and my grandmother raising kids out in the country without neighbours close by, without phones, without running water. The strength it took my mom to carry and deliver us even though with her polio issues they weren’t sure how that was going to go. The strength it took her (physical and mental) to take my sister and I all over the place to all our activities. It helps give me strength to start over and over again in the moves we’ve done. Making sure the strength does not turn into bullying is something for me to be mindful of.

Competitiveness –  I was in a competition and damn-it I was going to finish. Quitters never win. The good thing is, if you win something in my family you know you’ve won because you were the absolute best (one of the highlights of my riding career came at a family reunion when I beat out my uncles at a steak race on my little English pony – not Tango – in my little English saddle). The downside is that family game night can be a little challenging to say the least.

These are all traits I see in myself. My challenge now is to focus on the positive aspects of all of them and make sure those are the ones that I pass down to my children. I mean, I know the kids will still get together in years to come and say “omg, mom’s coming over I hope she doesn’t do __________, when she ________ it drives me insane.”I hope to soon find out what _______ is that drives them insane so I can fine-tune it to pull out when needed hehe.

But seriously, I hope that we can keep passing down the best parts of ourselves to the next generation. I hope that we can continue to look back at past generations and learn from them. They contain a lot of wisdom that I feel we discount in our society.  This is why I’m such a firm believer in the fact that kids need to have a strong relationship with grandparents. Kids will listen to the wisdom from their grandparents. They don’t want to hear it from parents, and those parents in turn don’t want to hear it from their parents (the kids’ grandparents). But with the generations mixing at least there’s more stories, more values, more love being shared up and down the line.

Jenna brought home an assignment from school where they had to trace back their family’s roots in this area. They were supposed to count back how many generations of their family have lived here and find out what it was like when they first moved here. As you can tell, this is not a very transient town. Jenna was like ‘what do I do with this?’ I told her that since we were just rolling through she wouldn’t have the answers to a lot of the questions for this place specifically. But, I sure want to make sure that she knows where she comes from, knows where her roots are, knows that she’s part of a larger whole.

My happiness moment came unexpectedly today. I thought it was just going to be about enjoying a quiet walk in the rain with the dog this morning, and how I was surprised at how many of the regular walkers were out and how happy they all were. But, then I read this article (warning: he drops the F*bomb a lot) and it has become my new favourite thing about the day. Aside from the fact that I really needed to read this because I do give a F about too many things, I found it hilarious. I laughed and laughed and it was exactly what I needed. I’ve printed it off and I’ll have to read it a few more times. But it was exactly what I needed to hear. I get too wound up giving F’s where they aren’t needed.

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A shy introvert 

I have always struggled with the double whammy of being both  shy and of being introverted. It’s only been recently that I’ve really begun to explore the differences between what it means to be shy and what it means to be an introvert. For ages I thought they were different versions of the same thing and something I needed to change about myself in order to be a settled member of society.

Now I’m realizing that the two things, for me anyway, are completely different. I’m an introvert. It’s how I’m made. I like quiet and I like to retreat into my own head and into my own space – there’s always a lot going on in there. I get overwhelmed when I’m in big crowds and things are too loud. Being an introvert is something for me to celebrate. It’s a wonderful part of myself that should be nurtured.

Being shy is attached much more to my self-esteem. Being shy means not speaking up when I should. Not participating in activities I want to because I am feeling anxious or not good enough (whereas the introverted part of me is completely happy to go home, curl up with a good book and enjoy a cup of tea in the quiet). There’s a big difference between not going out and doing things because I don’t want to (introvert) and not going out and doing things because my self-esteem holds me back (shyness)

Or to put it another way, my introverted self never has FOMO, but my shy part suffers desperately from it.

id love to hang out but

Today I was reading about the third chakra in the book  Wheels of Life. In case you cant’ tell, I’m kind of obsessed with my third chakra lately. In the past week I’ve written about it here and here. She’s talking about raising kids and teaching them how to “fit in” or “conform” to society.

Social cooperation is certainly necessary; however, if it occurs through domination, it hardly deserves the term “cooperation” at all. It is then cooperation without desire, vitality, or the spark of fire characteristic of the third chakra. It becomes submission, which dampens and cripples our sense of power and will, and damages our self-esteem.

OMG, that is me. I made a conscious decision years ago to stop fighting the fight, to stop being different, to try to just fit in and be who it was I thought others thought I should be. You know, basically the last time I felt like I was really living my own life. I listened to voices that were louder than mine. I was young and didn’t really realize the power that decision would have over my life (thank goodness I’m older and wiser now and I can reverse such things). But, that was it – I gave up my personal power and became submissive to the needs and wants of others.

I struggle with this with the kids. I want them to let their lights shine, to be the best “thems” they can be. But there are certain rules in society we must follow aren’t there? Just the other day I snapped at Jacob and when he snapped back at me I pulled the “you can’t talk to me like that, I’m your mother – show some respect.” He came back with “I just talked to you like you talked to me”. Ugh. Totally called me on that one. Worst of all, he only spoke to me like that to show me how it felt. Point taken. I want them to become who they are not who they’ve been forced into being. I want the same thing for myself.

So, I will continue to honour my introvert, and continue to encourage the shy part of my being. Engage that powerhouse and see what kind of light shines out of it.

Happiness moment on day 37 of the 44 days of happiness came this morning. I went for a very chilly walk. When we lived in Rhode Island I was often so cold in the winter that the only way I could warm up was in a hot shower – the chill went right to the bone. This morning after our walk I felt the same way – just couldn’t get warm <As an aside, I thought I was moving to the South and that things would be warm here>. I went and had a shower. Part of being a mom seems to be being available and accessible to the kids when they need me – and nothing makes them need me like being in the shower. But, this morning no one was home. So, I stood in the steaming hot shower until all the hot water was gone. I can’t remember when I have last done that. Didn’t have to worry about anyone else needing water – no one else was there. The cat did get a little bent out of shape that I was so obviously enjoying something that she couldn’t come sit on or walk over. But even her angry face at the shower door didn’t take away from the bliss of showering until all the hot water was gone.

Angry Ella face waiting for supper

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4am visit by the boogeyman… early morning profound thinking

I was sound asleep in blissful dreamland when I felt a hand on me, shaking my body. Anyone who knows me will tell you it’s never a good idea to wake me up. I am not my best me when someone wakes me before my time. I shot up and was terrified to see there was a giant man standing over my bed shaking me. After breathing a couple of times and hoping to wake up from a nightmare I realized that this giant man was just Jacob. When did my little boy turn into this giant man?

“Mom, mom, wake up… there’s someone in the house.”

ughhhhhhhhh. No. No there isn’t. I lay there for a couple of minutes listening to the night sounds of the house. I knew that if there truly was someone in the house the dog would be attacking and since there was silence from below I figured we were safe. But, he insisted – someone was there. He’d heard noises like bubblewrap popping down stairs (Jenna and I had some good laughs at his expense at this one later on. I asked who would break into a house just to pop some bubblewrap? Jenna pointed out that I would do such a thing). Then he said someone had come and fiddled with his door handle. I said it was likely the cat trying to get in, but he insisted it was the boogeyman. I took him out into the hallway towards his room which was lined with filled clean, folded laundry baskets and the vacuum waiting to be used and pointed out that anyone trying to sneak down the hall would kill themselves tripping over all the junk in the way.

Finally I turned on the floodlights and did the walkabout of the house to prove to him that the house was safe. It was.

But, our moment of happiness today for day 36 of the 44 days of happiness came with the continued giggles at the thought of someone breaking into the house to pop all our bubblewrap.

He trundled off to bed leaving me to lie there thinking “great- it’s 4am. Too early to be up. Too late to go back to sleep.” So, I lay there pondering the great thoughts of the world. Actually, I started by thinking about how tired I was going to be and how I was never going to get back to sleep. Then I started thinking about my yoga class from Saturday and my spot of personal power. I was thinking about how I’d spent so much of my life looking for validation from outside sources. That finally I was starting to look inward for this validation. That at the same time as I’d begun doing this I’d realized that many of the people I’d been looking at to validate me were in fact huge energy drains on my system. How incredibly hard it is to spend a life trying to keep other people happy, and how often that came at my own expense.  I thought about how depleted I’d become and how difficult I was seeming to find it to regain strength and happiness and inner power. My first thought after that was ‘why bother, you just give all that strength away’. And that was my Eureka moment. My spirit was tired of replacing energy that I was letting get sponged away to fill other people’s emotional voids.

Not to say that we shouldn’t give with our emotions, our peace, our love. But, there are certain people who are takers. Who see your happy, peaceful, calm emotions and want them for their own and try to sponge them from you. I’ve had people like this in and out of my life my entire life. Once I’d started to realize the pattern I’d blamed them for stealing my energy, power, fun. But I’m realizing that the issue really lies with me. That while there is enough love, peace, power, fun to go around in the world for us all to have as much as we want – I don’t have to give mine away to someone else in order for them to attain it. In fact, all that happens is I end up depleted and they end up with a short moment of energy burst followed by a need for a “fix” again.

Somewhere in these thoughts I fell into a deep, deep sleep where I sorted all of this out in a way that had me waking at 6:30 feeling fully rested and at peace.



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Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob has been a part of our family tv watching for at least 10 years now. I remember the first time I discovered him – I was home sick from work and kept Jacob at home with me, he was 2 or 3. We were bored and I was just kind of lying on the couch flipping through channels until I came upon Spongebob. It must have been some kind of marathon (or perhaps just that way those kids channels have of playing the same shows over and over), but Jacob and I spent a good two days in front of the TV watching Spongebob.

I was surprised later on to find out that other parents had really strong negative reactions to him. For me he’s always been  pleasant little sponge who is nice to everyone. It was a nice break from Dora and Blues Clues (both of which were nice wholesome shows) and a huge improvement over Caillou (the most annoying kid on TV – made even more annoying when watched en français), or Max and Ruby (most annoying sister ever. Where are the parents? And if Grandma lives right across the yard why don’t they live with Grandma? Perhaps because Ruby’s so bossy, or because Max only speaks in one word sentences).

See, even all these years later I still have such strong reactions to those shows. But Spongebob was always something we could agree on. Even en français he was still pretty cool (those Québec years we watched a lot of French kids TV). It’s carried us through a lot of changes. As the kids tastes in shows has changed and as they want to watch things independently from me now, it’s something that we can always come back to together and enjoy. That and The Goldbergs which is our current favourite show.

Jenna and I were bored today and decided to go to a matinee showing of the new Spongebob movie. It was rated 4 stars, but still I went in not really sure how much we would enjoy it.  I think having David Hasselhoff in the last one had me a bit leery of this current one. But it was funny!! Jenna made comments and giggled the whole way through. She was very empathetic towards Plankton and spent a lot of time figuring out why he was being treated the way he was. But giggled and laughed at every single joke – and there were lots. I have to say I enjoyed it too. It was fun to spend some time with my baby-who-isn’t-a-baby watching something that we have enjoyed together for years.

An hour and a half of belly giggles did a lot for the soul too. Fun to just sit and laugh with someone you love. That was my happiness moment for day 35 of the 44 days of happiness. Giggles with my favourite girl at the Spongebob movie. And Squidward’s interpretive dance at the end of the movie. Because sometimes you need to do that.

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Pirate Gold – the yellow ball of fire

I had my third healing light yoga therapy class this morning. Last week we did some work on the third chakra, and this week we started with the third and then did a little work with the fourth.  I’d been so focused in the past that my first and second needed balancing that I’d kind of ignored that my third one was also calling out for some attention. Or, perhaps since everything comes in its time – I needed to work to heal and support my root and sacral chakras so they would be strong enough to give support to that solar plexus area.

The third chakra – the area between your navel and your solar plexus (your middle back) – is pretty much the core of who you are. It relates to your true self, it’s your powerhouse, where you self-esteem lives. It’s where feelings get stuck, where you hold on to things, where your power lives.

Last week we were to take an image of a time when we felt safe, happy and supported and focus on that while we worked through our breathing sequences. Immediately in my mind came an image of me and Pirate galloping through the old homestead field. Sun shining down, birds flying around, quiet all around, Pirate and I thundering across the grass happy, free, safe, content. I didn’t have to force an image at all, this image and this feeling came immediately to me and I held onto it for a long time.

Pirate, my little ball of fire. As I was lying in my asana today I was again transported back to a time when I was flying across the countryside on Pirate’s back. It truly was a time when I felt supported, safe, happy, completely self confident, powerful- all those third chakra feelings. Coincidence that my little yellow palomino ball of fire was the same colour as that bright burning third chakra? I think not.

When I was with him I felt like I could take on the world. Not only did I feel confident in myself, but I felt safe and secure in a trusted partnership with him. I put my life in his hands every day and even though we did some insane things together (oh my how insane they were!!) we looked after each other, brought out the best in each other, and made each other strong and brave powerhouses.

When he died I had a pain in my middle back so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed for days. I didn’t know anything about the chakras then, but the core of who I was was grieving for him. Yesterday I woke up with that same pain in my back. The one that only comes in times of intense grief or intense stress. Obviously I am grieving, things are shifting, my body is remembering and letting go (and holding on). It’s good though to remember who I really am by remembering who I was.

Like me, he was a show pony who could get out and get dirty with the best of them:

Pirate and I (supervising) chasing cows

Pirate and I in the warm-up ring at Spruce Meadows in Calgary.

We all have this center of power inside of us. Mine got shut down for a while. I listened to the wrong people, carried those voices inside of me for a long, long time. It was really good to remember a time when I felt safe and strong and powerful.

My happiness moment on day 34 of the 44 days of happiness is in memory of Pirate Gold – my little yellow ball of fire. He was one of the most important relationships I have had in my life. We were together from the time I was 9 until he passed away when I was 35. He taught me how to love freely, live loudly, be brave, be afraid and do it anyway, be patient, sing from my soul (and sometimes be as stubborn and strong willed as hell). That all of our relationships should bring out the best in us like this one did.

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