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Speed

This evening after a couple of very emotional days made more difficult by my body deciding to express its grief by having major hip muscle pain (root chakra imbalance anyone? Given the core of our family stability shaken I’d think so), I came home and had a three hour nap. Awesome. 

After I managed to roll my butt off the couch, I headed up to visit my cousin. The wonderful thing about living here is all I have to do to go see her is walk around the field where the horses are grazing and I’m there. We can yell at each other across the yard.

I sat with her and her husband and we watched the movie Speed and we visited. It was so nice to just have a little bit of normal. Plus the horses. Just being so close to the horses makes me happy. That was my happiness moment for the day. 

Had a secondary happiness moment earlier with my mom. I drove her to the funeral home in an attempt to make things easier for her and to give her a break from driving. An almost wrong turn lead the poor driver behind us to almost pile off the road. Once we got home it took me forever to back her van into the garage. For some reason my mom found both of these events hysterically funny and laughed and laughed. It was nice to hear her laugh. She thanked me for making her feel so much more relaxed and safe while I drove (insert sarcasm). And laughed. Good intentions and all….

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The beginning of the aftermath of crisis. 

When we were in crisis mode I had the overwhelming feeling that we were the only people in the entire world to be going through a crisis. I was the only little girl (at the age of 44) who was about to lose her dad ever. We had a wonderful support team around us, yet at times it felt so all encompassing and lonely. 

Even then the rational part of me knew we were hardly the only ones facing a crisis, and how even during our storm we were held onto by so many loving arms. 

Here’s what I’ve noticed in the beginning of the aftermath of the crisis. Those feelings of being so alone are gone. We are holding each other up. We are held up by our tribe. And coming quietly out of the woodwork is the support of the others. Those who have already lost a spouse or parent. 

Before I had kids people may have tried to warn me of the pain of childbirth. I’m sure even if they’d graphically and accurately described it I would never have believed that such a pain exists and you can live through it and see better things. These others who have survived the death of their loved one come silently behind us and hold our hands while we work through the pain. They are proof you can make it through. They understand that pain that you can’t describe. 

The tribe we have has circled around us and enveloped us in love and support. I am so grateful for the amazing people we have in our lives. God put us right in the middle of a very strong and loving support system. 

The messages I have received from people telling stories about how dad impacted their lives has let me know that he was this powerful force of love to so many other people as well as to us. 

All of these people slowly and quietly holding us in a nest of love. How grateful I am. 

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Photographs

On a very difficult day I had my happiness moment when  we sat down, the three of us left from the original four,  and went through old pictures. In his later years dad picked up photography as a hobby and was so very talented. It was fun to see pictures of the old days. To remember how he looked before he got so sick.  It was nice to just sit and share memories of a man who had such a profound impact on our lives. I miss you dad. 

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A prayer of peace 

Today has been the most emotionally  gut wrenching day of my life.  I have been so grateful for my faith, and for the strong guidance my dad gave me as he lived his faith. 

I don’t even know how to put into words the impact that my dad has had on my life. The integrity with which he lived his life, the love he shared, the light he shone that inspired not only me but the lives of everyone he met. I was so lucky that God gave me the dad He did. 

We shared a very emotional and loving goodbye to my dad today. 

My happiness moment was at the hospice. The kids, my cousin, her husband and kids, my aunt and uncle were sitting with the social worker. The kids took some time to share their favourite memories of Dad. How he took them on flower walks, how he swam in the creek with them, how he played with them, how he loved him. 

I feel so honored to have had him in my life. Although I’m infinitely sad, I’m infinitely grateful to have known him. My faith in something greater, in something better is strengthened because of this. 

I stood outside at the barn today and said a loving prayer to my dad that was sent to me by my pastor in Roanoke 

We entrust you to God who created you. May you return to the one who formed us out of the dust of the earth. Surrounded by angels and triumphant saints, may Christ come to meet you as you go forth from this life. May Christ, the Lord of glory, who was crucified for you, bring you freedom and peace. May Christ, the High Priest, who has forgiven all you sins, keep you among his people. May Christ, the Son of God, who died for you, show you the glories of his eternal kingdom. May Christ, the Good Shepherd, enfold you with his tender care. May you see your redeemer face to face and enjoy the sight of God forever. Amen. 

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Peace in the midst of the storm. 

Today was one of those days where I am so grateful that I am actively searching for moments of happiness. It has been an emotional day. A bed opened at the hospice and Dad left the ranch to be cared for by the loving staff there. It’s a beautiful place, it’s where he wanted to go, it’s better for his care, and yet… my heart still wants him at home. 

When he left it was the perfect send off from his favourite season from his yard where he has spent so many moments of his life. His tree was in full blossom, there was no wind, the birds were chirping – it was a beautiful moment. Except for… 

Thank goodness for the moments of happiness. A farmers market was on just down the street. We went and got food, we strolled around, it was sunny and everything was blooming. We went to the park. Things got silly. 

 
Man I love that kid. Normal happiness in the midst of a super emotional day. Peace in the midst of the storm.  

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Catch my fall 

The happy moment today was at Mackay’s in Cochrane. Ice cream with family we haven’t seen in ages. The really cool thing about family is no matter how long time passes or how little time is actually spent together, there is this bond of love and shared history.   

The sun went down tonight with a beautiful farewell. 

  
So needed on a day filled with emotion. I was thinking today as I helped Dad move to a chair how many times he’s held me up. The little bit of support I gave him to help him move was needed, but it was so small compared to the support he’s given me over the years. The tough times he’s helped me through. The good times he’s celebrated with me. I have been so blessed to have a father who always has my back no matter what, who has always stood firmly in my corner. The knowledge that he’s always there as a parachute when I’m falling has given me such comfort over the years. It’s an honour to be able to give him some support now. He’s got an amazing tribe of people around him. Family who love him, friends who consider him family, a tribe he has built by being a loving, strong man of integrity. 

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The sisterhood. 

Today dad’s sisters and their husbands flew in from Ontario and a cousin flew in from BC. My happiness moment was watching him sit with a sister on each side of him while he held their hands. He listened while they told stories and we all visited and caught up on each other’s lives. It’s been 8 years since my sister and I have seen them. 

There is something so special about that family bond. It ties through miles and years. That sibling bond is unlike any other relationship. All those shared experiences. All that shared history. I feel blessed to have been a part of that moment. 

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Sitting in the morning sun 🎶🎶

Today was a perfect Sunday day. It was warm and clear, the mountains were putting on a show, the birds were happily singing away in the yard – loud enough we could even hear them over the busy weekend highway traffic. 

I had a quiet moment to sit out there with my dad. 

 
We didn’t have to do anything. Just sat and looked west. My favourite view in the world. Sat and listened to the kids running and playing in the yard. It actually wasn’t all that windy. I think it was warm. I’m still adapting back to the Alberta climate. 

And then this happened 

  

Gotta watch out for that  lawn mowing teenager having too much fun driving up and down the yard. 

A quiet and simple moment of happiness. And yet sun a powerful one. 

Proof that life happens in the little moments. 

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My bleeding heart (plant)

The most beautiful moment of the day happened when I walked around the corner of my parent’s house this morning. My sister was kneeling beside my dad’s bed singing the most beautiful spiritual song to him. Her voice was filled with love and it very much was a moment where emotions and time were both suspended and very intense. It was all blurred together in a way that is difficult to describe. My heart needed me to just stop and be in that space. 

The happiness moment came later this afternoon at my house. Jenna and I finally got around to planting our pansies and our bleeding heart plant.  

There’s a bleeding heart plant at my parents’ place and as kids we would stand on the driveway and tell the story of the bleeding heart over and over. Although the same plant is still there it’s kind of cool now that we can tell the same stories at our house. 

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Communion with family 

Today we were blessed with the gift of having the Eucharist brought out for us to share as a family. The minister, the temporary minister , and a very dear old friend of the family came out to share this spiritual ceremony with us. 

We were joined by my uncle, aunt, cousin (the recently-bucked-off-cousin), and his wife

It was incredibly spiritual and loving to be able to share this with a few of our tribe. There were special blessings and prayers for dad, there were also prayers said for the rest of the family. At the end I felt very strongly that we were held in the nest of love. 

I wasn’t sure how I was going to react, but since I hadn’t had my morning cry in the car, I  bawled my eyes out the entire time. Which is part of the new me who surrenders. 

Dad has always been a very strong guiding force on my spiritual journey. But he has been a much stronger guidance these last few years as we both have been actively seeking peace, spiritual fulfillment, and a stronger understanding of who we are and what our role in the world is. We have gone for countless walks together around the ranch – across the neighbor’s ridge – and shared our journeys with each other. His strong faith and his sharing his faith as he seeks his path have helped to shape me as I’m finding my path.

I consider it an incredible honour to have been able to participate in this ceremony that gives him guidance and love as he continues on his journey. 

My happiness moment was a walk with my sister this afternoon. We laughed, we cried, we shared memories of childhood. We appreciated our dad and how much he has given and continues to give to us. The strength and the kindness he has shown. The silent but constant and unconditional support he has shown as he stands firmly in our corner. 

We stopped and just appreciated the beauty of home   

 

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