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Surrender

Melissa's avatarThe Sattvic Life


I come from a long line of extremely stubborn and willful people so to say that I don’t surrender easily (or at all) into things is putting it mildly.

Since having yoga and mediation and Ayurveda introduced into my life I have been actively seeking the way to surrender. It hasn’t been successful.

This is likely because I’ve been trying to force myself to surrender. Stubbornly and willfully. With no success.

I always imagined how my true surrender would go. It would be like Disney meets Kripalu. It would be me sitting serenely in a field with butterflies flitting about, deer skipping by, and flowers dancing a merry rainbow of peace and serenity. I would be radiating bliss from my inner core as I sat in peaceful meditation.

No matter how many times I tried to force this peaceful surrender it never happened.

Today for the first time I…

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Surrender

  
I come from a long line of extremely stubborn and willful people so to say that I don’t surrender easily (or at all) into things is putting it mildly. 

Since having yoga and mediation and Ayurveda introduced into my life I have been actively seeking the way to surrender. It hasn’t been successful. 

This is likely because I’ve been trying to force myself to surrender. Stubbornly and willfully. With no success. 

I always imagined how my true surrender would go. It would be like Disney meets Kripalu. I would be sitting serenely in a field with butterflies flitting about, deer skipping by, and flowers dancing a merry rainbow of peace and serenity. I would be radiating bliss from my inner core as I sat in peaceful meditation. 

No matter how many times I tried to force this peaceful surrender it never happened. 

Today for the first time I felt myself – my whole self, body mind and spirit – surrender. 

Here’s what it looked like: me lying on the ground yelling no, no, no, no, no, no,no f*ck, f*ck (a few more hundred of those)…. FINE. Then I lay there and cried. And I’m not a pretty crier. It was heaping, drooling, snotty sobs of tears. 

Then I got up, dusted myself off, and continued to cry for the next 12 hours. Actually, since I’m still crying now it will be much longer I’m sure.

But, somewhere in that heaping, ugly mess came surrender. I felt it happen. I just gave it all up. 

Once I got to the point where I was beyond trying to force myself into a place that was not authentic for me it just happened. Right now in this moment in time, surrender for me is curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out. And that’s ok. Because it’s real. 

Surrender meant acknowledging what is happening, having my authentic response to it and being ok with it. Knowing that what happens is beyond my control. That it’s not my job to reach for a specific outcome. Right now it’s my job to surrender, to cry, to feel, to relax and let be. 

Happiness moment today was sitting with dad in a sunbeam while giving him a big hug. Yes, I cried for most of it. But whatever. It was still a moment of true love and that means happiness. 

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The tribe

  
The thing I’m noticing about being in this current state of crisis is the overwhelming feeling like we are the only people in the entire world this is happening to (we are not). 

It’s a tempting way of thinking though. However, no matter how important I am in the story of my own life, there are so many other life stories unfolding that are just as important.  

But I’m the only one. 

Having a crisis gives me options. I can isolate into that bubble of feeling that this is a unique situation and live and breathe the crisis (tempting and inevitable sometimes). Or, I can look around and see what this situation is bringing me. 

Looking around has made me discover an inner strength that is deeper than I knew. I have discovered I have a much stronger and profound faith system than I was aware of. I have a lot more confidence in me than I thought. 

It has made me more aware of my tribe. 

I have always known my immediate tribe is made of intensely strong and brave people, but I have a new appreciation for just how strong, brave, spiritual, and lovingly kind they are. I have a new respect for how that tribe sticks together and cares for each other – leaving no one behind. No. Matter. What. 

I have discovered there is also this new crisis tribe. The people I meet in the elevators at the hospital who are there in their own crisis. The family members I meet in the waiting rooms in their own kinds of crisis. The kindness and compassion that radiates in these rooms is absolutely amazing. Finally, the people who have dedicated their lives to helping those in the crisis. The helping hand they stick out is invaluable. 

Watching these other people has made me really understand and appreciate the importance of the tribe. Most people have someone with them. Some of these people you can tell have someone who loves them immensely with them   Some of those people have a few someones who love them immensely with them. 

Some of them have no tribe at all. Nobody should have to face a crisis with no tribe at all. Thank goodness for the extended crisis tribe.  

A few have negative tribe.  Like the prisoner I watched walk shackled and escorted by two armed guards to his treatment. Whatever he did, it must be terrible to not have a caring tribe. 

Having someone try and push you down when you need a hand up. Negative tribe 

I am so thankful for my tribe   It’s big. There are members close by and there are members scattered. And I’m thankful for all of them. 

Happiness moment today was sending Jacob off for his first school camp. He was both nervous and excited. I hope he has laughter memories he remembers forever. 

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Recycling run

Today’s moment of happiness was a backroads drive with my dad to drop off the recycling. It wound us down the road that we used to drive when my sister and I were kids heading to Pony Club   Back when Pony Club was awesome and we were all crazy daredevils doing things that would never be allowed now.

Having the quiet time to enjoy the beautiful drive with my dad was a very special happiness moment. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky all day.

The view from the recycling drop off. Moose Mountain.   

On the way home the kids and I had to pull over at the last hill before the house. When God makes a perfect day like this it is important to stop and breathe in the beauty. What an amazing place we live in.  

Earlier today, after the morning drop off,  I was driving that same drive with that same view when KISS came on the radio. 🎶I want to rock and roll all night….  🎶. I turned it up and had this overwhelming urge to hit the gas pedal as hard as I could and fly the road (I didn’t).  
What this urge made me realize though was what I really wanted. When I was a kid my favourite way of letting go was to get on Pirate and fly across the field at a flat out gallop. This was a tricky thing to do as the gophers dug their holes everywhere waiting for us to fall in. I actually did fall with a different horse and broke my nose so I have some respect for them. 

But, one year the gas company came through and put a dirt road to one of their new wells. When they were done, there was a perfectly long stretch of field that had no holes in it. Pirate and I used to go out there and race up and down that dirt road until we were both satisfied. 

Racing in the wind like that is a truely freeing living in the moment activity. I couldn’t  focus on anything else. There were no troubles that could stay with me. There was nothing but me, my yellow ball of fiery pony, the wind, and God   

Just drop the reins, trust that all is well and run. 

The best cure for what ails me.

I think it’s time to go for a ride. 

Here’s the field Pirate and I used to run in. 

 

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Sushi smiles 

   

 

Today’s happiness moment was a sneak away date for sushi with my girl. She’s always guaranteed to bring a smile and a warm happiness feeling to my heart. Blessed am I to have two warm loving souls in my life in the form of my kids. 

Jacob preformed a loving act of kindness this evening in helping care for my dad while he slept. 

Their unconditional love – the real and true kind with no boundaries is an inspiration to me to be a better person and to love more fully. 

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Karate kicks 

  

Today I went and picked up Jenna from her grandma’s place. As soon as we stepped into the elevator to head down to the car, we turned and started karate kicking each other. Complete with loud high-ya noises. Giggling and karate kicking all the way down. 

Thank goodness there was no one else around. 

The happiness moment of the day. Silly elevator fun. 

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Table talk

Tonight after supper the original four sat around the table sharing memories. Some from our childhood. Some – like the story of my parents and our most awesome cat Torts almost tipping in the canoe during a storm (Torts was so awesome he was game for such things) – predated their life with kids. When they were just two plus cat. 

The opportunity to just sit and visit and remember does not happen often enough. The opportunity to share love and appreciation for others is not grabbed often enough. 

My happiness moment for today was sharing those little moments. 

As a bonus funny moment, this morning Jenna came running around the corner saying you should see what Ella just did! Apparently Dottie the Dotted Dog was lying down and Ella the Cat walked over, walked on top of her, and lay down on Dottie’s bum. Jenna said Dottie just lay there wide eyed not sure wait to do about it! 

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Super Grover

 

 Some days the happiness moments are harder to find. That is one of the reasons I do this blog. It keeps me searching for moments of sunshine during cloudy days. 

Today was a cloudy day. 

The moment of happiness came in the form of Super Grover. While we were at the hospital my sister and I decided to go visit my cousin who is in after being bucked off his horse. 

We picked out (manly) flowers and as we were standing in line, my sister leaned into a bin and pulled out a stuffed Super Grover saying and we will get this for him too. It will remind him that the next time he falls he needs to pull out his cape. Then we giggled and thought of Grover screaming and flying through the sky, arms flailing. The great thing is that our cousin loved it too – and totally got the humour. 

A moment of happiness brought to me today by loveable, furry old Grover. 

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A walk through family history 

For at least the last year Jacob has had a lot of questions about where he comes from. He wants to know his roots and understand more about his family. 

He always has lots of questions about his great grandma (my grandma). He has some memories of her – she died when he was 2.5 – and often talks about remembering visiting with her. 

Starting a few months ago he started asking to go visit her grave. It’s not a place I’ve been back to since she was buried. For me, if I need to feel close to her, I just sit in her kitchen. Which is easy since that’s where my parents live and is a 30 second walk away. 

But, he had a really strong need to go to the graveyard. So we went. I went for Jacob, but I also went for Grandma. I remember she used to take me there to visit Grandpa’s grave and put flowers there. Then she would walk me around and look at the other graves. My great grandparents are there, as are many great aunts and uncles.  The doctor who delivered me is there. All of “old Cochrane” is there. She would show me where everyone was buried and tell me stories about them. 

I realized that even though it may not have a lot of meaning for me, it had a lot of meaning for Grandma. That she would probably appreciate flowers and a visit there. 

 
So we went there. After a little searching we found the graves. 

Not knowing how I would feel being there, I was amazed at the sense of peace I felt being in that place. It was actually a huge sort of comfort standing amidst past family and friends. Really standing there in our roots. 

I did notice that there was a planter in the middle of my grandparents’ headstones and although it was too cold today to leave flowers out, I will go back and put a pot of geraniums there when it warms up. 

So, my happiness moment of the day today is kind of a weird happiness moment. It’s not one of screaming joyous laughter. Today it is the happy feeling of standing in the roots of family and the feeling of love and belonging that grows out of that. It’s a deep seated contented  happiness that I am grateful for. 

Because it was rainy and cold out, afterwards we went to a local coffee shop and had tea, hot cocoa and a little treat. A different kind of happiness. 


  

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