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Living with blinders on

  

So, this anxiety thing. It’s mostly fear based. Worrying about what’s going to happen in the future. Worrying that things in the present aren’t the way I had wanted them to be. Being afraid to breathe into that moment. Trust me, I had the ability to find anything to be anxious about. 

I had lots of real things that caused me to be fearful and anxious. But there were also a lot that were just made up in my head. Things that I was afraid of that never happened but that I wasted a lot of energy on. 

Ever since I returned home I feel like a pair of blinders have been put on me. Like I’ve been placed in a bubble and all I can focus on is what is happening at the present moment in my bubble. 

Being with these blinders does not protect me from fear or anxiety and it does not block me from happiness and joy. In fact I have felt every emotion you can imagine lately and I’ve felt them all intensely. 

But, all I am able to focus on is what’s happening right now. There is no fear based anxiety about the future or things that could happen. Somehow The Universe has decided to put blinders on me and only allow me to be right here in the present moment. 

That is a gift. 

Happiness moment was picking Jenna up from school and seeing the parrot she’d been  making as a beading craft at school. They’re going to donate them to the Children’s Hospital. I love it when she discovered a new craft. She loves to create. 

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How does your garden grow?

 
Spring! It’s a happiness time. New life, new growth, new hope. 

This spring there are lots of emotions going on here, but there is always a reminder that things carry on. That new life is always flying in on the wings of old. 

We all come from somewhere and to some extent carry along parts of our past with us. Nurture or nature, we all carry our ancestors with us in some way. 

I love seeing all the common family traits. Some of them learned by watching behaviours and some of them passed on through genes. 

Just like those seeds we are planting in our garden, all our new life here is sprouting hope and happiness and promise. 

My happiness moment today came buying the flowers pictured above. It carried on into this evening when I looked out my window and saw my brother in law digging the garden. 

That is hard work. 

 
Tomorrow for the first time in 10 years I will plant a vegetable garden. Beside the barn my grandpa built. Using potatoes my great grandpa brought over from Ireland. With my Mom, my Dad, my kids, my sister and brother in law, my niece, and my nephew. 

All those generations joining together to plant new life and new hope. To watch what was started carry on. Together. Surrounded by love. 

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An eclair to share 

Today, after a very busy and emotional  day I found a quick moment of happiness with Jacob. We came home and abandoned all responsibilities to sit in front of the TV, watch The Golden Girls, drink a cup of tea, and enjoy the sinful indulgence of an eclair. In that little moment all was good, all was right, all was happy. 

And isn’t life really all about the little moments? 

Quiet, simple, easy moment to breathe and regroup with one of my favourite people in the world. 

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Mother’s Day 2015

For the first time in 10 years I got to spend Mother’s Day with my Mom. What a blessing and my happiness moment for the day all by itself. But the day was made better by the fact that it also included my dad, sister and her family,bmy aunt and uncle (who have always been an extra set of parents to me), and my cousin’s daughter. What a blessed day to bring the family together for a meal and a visit. 

It was pretty relaxed and we were able to actually sit together and laugh and have conversations about everything and nothing.  Having family is such a special blessing and if I ever took it for granted before we moved I never will again. 

Extra happiness moment was sneaking off with my sister for a walk and some bonding time. We don’t get to spend enough time together just us and I treasure it when we do. 

Happy Mother’s Day. Mine was spent exactly as I wanted it. I am so blessed to have the kids God gave me. They have taught me how to be a better version of me. 

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Well, you can stick around… But I’m outta here!


My happiness moment of the day today is also the thing that consistently keeps me in balance. My walk. It’s supposed to be my daily walk but lately, for one reason or another, it hasn’t been every day. Some days I haven’t gone for a good reason and other days the reason has been too tired or too windy. Although in my defense, those Chinook winds can be brutal and my blood is still set to Virginia temperature.  

Today though was a wonderful walking day. The sun was warming my soul. The wind wasn’t bad. The mountains were beautiful. Things are slowly greening up. 

When we got back, Dottie bolted around the back of the house in hot persuit of something. I assumed it was the deer who stare in my windows at me every morning. But when I followed her, it was my parents’ cat Flower in his alter ego state of Killer   Not sure who should have been more afraid. 

This evening we were driving into town and we were talking about what superpower we would want. I wanted to be invisible so I could vanish when people annoyed me and  both kids wanted to fly so they could get away from annoying people (introverted family you think?). 

Then Jacob said you know how it is when you just get tired of being in a conversation and you want to leave but you can’t – so then your brain goes to your body “well, if you want to stay here that’s fine, but I’m outta here”.
That is the story of my life. I find myself in conversations I don’t want to be in anymore and my brain just walks out and leaves my body behind. 

I’ve been giggling about it all night. Love that kid. 

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Photo surprise

Every day I try and do a little unpacking. Today I attacked the study and found a little package of forgotten photos. I had to sit down and take a little trip down memory lane. They were all pictures during the time we lived in Rhode Island – when the kids were still little kids. 
Here’s me and Jenna during my blonde phase at a lobster shack near Mystic CT.  

  

Here’s the monsters at our local turkey farm in Connecticut. We used to drive to Baldwin Brook Farms to get our raw milk. Sometimes we would stop at Ekonk Hill Turkey Farm on the way home and have a turkey sandwich and oooohhhhh my they made the best little doughnuts. 

At Mystic Aquarium. My kids are consistently weird.    

Happiness moment for the day: remembering the good times we had in Rhode Island. Like with everything there was good and bad, but there was a lot of good fun there. The kids were little and we had a lot of really cool adventures together. I feel so privileged that I have been able to participate in the big and the little events in their lives. 

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Deer me

 
Today was the day of the deer. First we saw this lady and her friends out for their morning stroll while we were driving to school. They usually hang out at one corner every morning, happily standing on the side of the road. As you can tell, she is not afraid of me at al.   


Almost every morning while I’m sitting having my tea a few deer come into my back yard and stare in my window at me. I figure they’re asking when I will be planting the garden and if I could please plant something yummy for them. 

This afternoon this one was lying at the edge of the old garden having an afternoon sun nap. Even though I was standing fairly close and had my dog with me, she was not bothered enough to get up. 

   

Happiness moment, spending time in nature and soothing my soul. 

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Life is a balance 

 
My theme for the day seems to be relax. The larger theme seems to be balance. I had a long conversation today with my Ayurvedic practitioner and yoga instructor  Asrael about things and life and relaxing and balance. 

For some reason relaxing into things is not something that comes easily to me. Even with the deep understanding that life will be better and happier and more bliss filled, I resist and stress into so many of my experiences. Both the good ones and the bad ones. I get the resistance for the unpleasant ones – but really? Do the pleasant ones have to be a struggle too?

Relax. 

For me being able to relax means that I find that perfect balance of holding on and letting go. Some things need to be held onto. Some things need to be let go of. Some things I need to both hold on and let go of at the same time. 

Relax. 

It’s a conversation I had today with my dad as well. How does one relax? Breathe into the moment? 

The concept is easy, putting it into practice is a challenge for me. 

Happiness moment was my conversation with Asrael. It’s so balancing and grounding for me   I actually do feel myself relaxing when I talk to her. Which is probably why I’ve been exhausted all day. 

Relax. 

Hold on and let go. 

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Putting down roots 

To be rooted is perhaps the most important and least recognized need of the human soul. – Simone Weil 


My cousin put this quote on my Facebook wall yesterday saying it was something that reminded her of me. A lot of time over these past few years have been spent figuring out what grounds me and what to do about it. 

What grounds me? I rediscovered last summer that this grounds me 

  
I remember laughing about this fact years ago when I was riding all the time the only stable thing in my life is my horses. Over the years I’ve thought about that statement and refined it (I was in my early twenties at the time and if you’d told me I would be moving away from Calgary I wold have laughed hysterically)

Being home grounds me. Home in the larger word than just a house. Home where family is. Home at the ranch. Home where I look outside and see the barn. Home where I walk outside of my house and the first sound I hear is the gentle zerbert sound of a horse sneeze. Home where little Melissa ran around and played with her sister and cousins in the same yard her mom played and in the same yard her grandpa played. 

Like roots attaching into the ground I can feel myself grounding back in here. A different and more purposeful grounding than I had before when I took it for granted. 

This morning while driving home from the school drop off I had to pull over and take in the view of the mountains. It was breathtaking and I felt my soul smile as I stood outside of the car breathing in the morning air. As I stood there I thought about being grounded and being home and sticking my roots in. 

  
But then when I got back in the car the song Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond came on the radio and it brought me to Rhode Island summers. We had some beautiful summers there at the beach and driving to Newport and to Boston   That song is the song they play at the Red Sox games and Jacob became such a Red Sox fan there. 

I realized we had left roots everywhere we have been in some way, shape or form. 

One of the churches in Roanoke had this on their sign: bloom where you are planted and it became a mantra of sorts for me during my time there. I tried (perhaps too hard) to bloom and flourish no matter where I was. I have to say though, there are certain conditions that are absolutely better for growth than others. 

Learning about Ayurveda has taught me that a lot of my sense of being ungrounded is a Vata imbalance. I knew this, I studied this. I practiced a Vata pacifying lifestyle   And yet no matter what I did I remained unbalanced. 

Calgary physically is about the most Vata aggravating  place on the planet. It’s dry, windy, and cold, cold, cold. 

I knew that a lot of my imbalance had nothing to do with anything physical. I could live in a Vata pacifying place, eat Vata pacifying foods, and practice Vata pacifying routines and it wasn’t going to solve my problem. 

My issue was and is spiritual   And it’s being balanced in this most Vata aggravating of places. Where my roots are.  

Happiness moment: a little couch nap this afternoon with Ella the Cat being a purr machine on my chest. Part way through she rolled over, leaned down to where Dottie the Dotted Dog was lying, balled her paw into an unclawed fist and punched her a few times in the head. When Dottie looked up, Ella rolled over on her back and cuddled up to me so Dottie knew she was missing something. They pretend to hate each other but they actually have a pretty special friendship. Shhhh don’t tell anyone. 

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A little Ayurvedic magic

 
First of all the happiness moment of the day. It was a beautiful, sunny 20 degrees Celsius out today and the kids and I took an early summer break and went to our old favourite, Mackay’s  Ice Cream in Cochrane. It was lovely and delicious. I had a very non Ayurvedic scoop of chocolate fudge chunk and blissfully enjoyed every bite in an Ayurvedic approved manner of mindful eating. OMG it was good!!

This weekend Jenna has been complaining on and off of a sore ear. Yesterday I pulled out my essential oils and tried putting some of them around her ear. While it helped a little nothing was solving the pain. 

This morning she woke up in terrible pain and I actually ended up keeping her home from school. As I was preparing breakfast I remembered where  I had stashed my mustard oil and decided to give a remedy a try that I’d been given by a friend from India a few years ago. 

At one point both Jenna and I had sore ears. I put her on antibiotics and I used the Ayurvedic remedy to see who healed faster. I did at a significant rate. 

So, you get a pot and put some mustard oil in it. Then add a couple of cloves of garlic and heat it until the garlic turns red. Remember it’s oil so hot is hot! I put a clear lid on the pot. 

When it’s done, let it cool and then put some on a cotton ball and place it in the ear. Leave it for as long as possible. 

Jenna wore hers for 3 hours and her ear is completely pain free. She went from not wanting to move to skipping down the road smiling and laughing. 

Magic

I love learning about and healing with Ayurveda 

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