happiness

Apples to horses 

We spent Mother’s Day doing what seemed like a very appropriate activity to celebrate the mothers in our family. We were outside, cold, watching kids ride horses. I looked at my mom and realized how she had spent a huge part of my childhood sitting somewhere freezing at the side of an arena watching me soar around on my horse, and here she was still doing it – and smiling. As I’m shuttling kids from one place to another, I think often of the sacrifices that she made giving up so much of her time to take me and my sister places.

My niece wanted to ride Drishti, so we got him all ready and she walked him around the corral. I think she would still be out there walking and smiling on top of that horse if we had let her. That kid is a natural rider and it was awesome to see how much she enjoyed it.

I think the only thing better than doing something you love, is sharing something you love with someone else. 

After our afternoon ride we went to my cousin’s place for a family Mother’s Day supper with her family, my mom, and my aunt and uncle. Great visiting, incredible food, and a crazy game of Apples to Apples to finish the night off.

All of this incredible, heart centered happiness and we didn’t even have to leave the property to enjoy it! What a blessed person I am to have a family like this!

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happiness

Pre-Mother’s Day family time

We had a pre-Mother’s Day day today. My sister and her kids came down and we all spent some time together. I get to see them so much more often now than when we were living away, but it still does not feel like often enough. I’m grateful, however, because the kids and aunts (and uncle when he can come too) all know each other so much better.

I also spent some solo time in my garden this morning getting it ready. My garden is a huge source of joy all summer long and it’s really exciting to get it started. Seeds go in tomorrow and then it’s weeding and watering while we wait patiently to eat the produce.

We had a family meal this evening and I thought as I looked around the table how grateful that this is the family I come from. Everything I know about love, strength, trust, and faith is rooted in these people at the core of my tribe. That is happiness.

Oh, and finally I saw a crocus in our field – there have been others in the area for a while, but this is the first home one and that is special. It is spring!

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happiness

Forgiveness

The past year and a bit have been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. One thing that has stayed constant has been my understanding that through all the things that have been going on I have been held firmly in the hands of God. Even in the times that I have questioned things, I know that He has been guiding me and holding me.

I had a rather profound experience during my meditation yesterday. I realized that even though I’ve done a lot of work getting through and getting over the hurts that happened during the course of my marriage, and even though I’ve been very consciously working at cutting all the remaining emotional chords (the ones remaining being full of anger and pain), that I had never really said an emotional goodbye to him. And, unfortunately for me that was going to mean forgiving him.

There’s a big part of me that still does not want to forgive. I want to be small and petty and sit with my anger and hurt. There’s an even bigger part of me though that wants to be free and happy. That part of me knows that I need to forgive in order to finally be free. Remember how I swore I never, ever would forgive? Damn it!!!

I’ve struggled with forgiving him before. I did it over and over again in our marriage. What I found issue with back then was that every time I forgave him, another more painful betrayal would soon pop up and I’d have to not only deal with another forgiveness, but also the realization that I’d mistakenly given trust and placed faith once again. This time though, I’m able to go into this without having any expectations of him at all. We will never have any kind of relationship again, I won’t ever have to trust him or believe his word again. I just have to forgive him and let myself be free, so that he can be somebody that I used to know.

I couple of weeks ago I posted about how I felt I was sitting at a locked door and I thought I had the key (that key being surrender) but didn’t know how to use it. Part of the surrender I struggle with involves forgiveness. I don’t expect to forgive overnight, but I expect it to happen. I feel lucky in many ways, I am not dealing with a broken heart, that part of the relationship I dealt with years ago. However these feelings of hurt and anger can be quite the load to let go of as well. I see people decades after divorce still carrying that around and I don’t want that for myself. I want to move into  a healthy and functional relationship with a partner whom I love and trust and I have to be that person myself as well.

My aunt sent me a letter a while ago which sat forgotten on the kitchen counter. I opened it today and she wrote me about finding faith at my locked door. I think it was waiting for me to open it today because today I’m ready to really hear the words.  In part it included some scripture from Rev. 3:19-21

those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.  He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 

God has guided me so patiently and clearly in this past year (I know He has all my life, but He’s made me pretty aware of it lately), how can I not listen?

My birthday present this year was the beginnings of the divorce, and my Mother’s Day present is the beginnings of forgiveness. I feel like they’re the two most important gifts I’ve ever given myself.

My happiness moment today happened at 1:00 am. I woke up suddenly and grabbed my phone without knowing why. I saw a few missed calls and texts from my cousin. She was trying to tell me to get outside and look at the Northern Lights. I woke the kids and we ran out into the yard to see God’s amazing light display. They were some of the best ones I’ve ever seen, they danced all over the sky. It was warm and clear and we stood out there for over an hour admiring the show in the sky.

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Mother’s Day 2015

For the first time in 10 years I got to spend Mother’s Day with my Mom. What a blessing and my happiness moment for the day all by itself. But the day was made better by the fact that it also included my dad, sister and her family,bmy aunt and uncle (who have always been an extra set of parents to me), and my cousin’s daughter. What a blessed day to bring the family together for a meal and a visit. 

It was pretty relaxed and we were able to actually sit together and laugh and have conversations about everything and nothing.  Having family is such a special blessing and if I ever took it for granted before we moved I never will again. 

Extra happiness moment was sneaking off with my sister for a walk and some bonding time. We don’t get to spend enough time together just us and I treasure it when we do. 

Happy Mother’s Day. Mine was spent exactly as I wanted it. I am so blessed to have the kids God gave me. They have taught me how to be a better version of me. 

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