Tag Archives: abuse

happiness

So here we are 

It has been two years exactly since we landed in Calgary and started a new chapter in our lives. So much has happened since then – death, divorce, love, friendship, pain, healing… we have pretty much covered it all. And not a moment goes by where I am not thanking God for bringing us back home where we belong. 

Being back in our tribe, having people to share our lives with, being able to see the mountains every day – none of this is to be underestimated. 

Healing is hard. Or at least it has been for us. I feel often like we have just managed to heal up some wounds and the attacks come again, or old wounds are reopened. And yet we all are so much farther along than we were even 6 months ago. It all had its time and it all has a lesson. 

I keep coming to that – that I need to make sure I learn the lesson in the experiences because I know they are there and they are changing how I live my life. 

This evening I got together with a couple of my cousins. We are so fortunate that we have this tight group – I was born with a ready made tribe of female friends. We can pretty much share anything with each other which is a rare and important quality in a friend. 

Driving the boy to basketball tonight for his time if happiness I had to pull off the road. The sunset was amazing. 

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The life changers

I realized today that two years ago the kids and I had just said goodbye to our life in Virginia and were on our way home to live… back where we belong. We ended up having to spend the night in Seattle due to some weather issues, but we were on our way home. So much has happened in our family in that time: pain, sorrow, joy, faith, laughter, family. It has been a season of great change. I am starting to feel like the person I was before, and I think the kids are starting to figure out who they are now.

At the very least, we are safe in this life.

At the very most (is that a thing? It should be a thing) we are making bonds with family, planting roots where we already had some growing, making new friends and deepening connections with old ones, healing, growing, learning to fly, settling into a new normal of life.

Today was a good day. A couple of HUGE happiness things happened for me today which I will share down the line. But, let’s just say…. I found my Drishti… I have kept that steady, focused gaze for years… I have had faith… it has coloured how I see the world… I have found my Drishti.

I also, out of complete frustration after a crappy day yesterday, sat down with my Streams In The Desert devotional book and read today’s entry. Honestly I only read it because I was kind of frustrated and pissed with God because it felt like he wasn’t really listening to me. Basically what I got was to calm myself and chill for a bit, that He works in His own time.

Today we may be unable to see the final outcome of the beautiful plan that God has hidden in the shadow of his hand. It may be concealed for a very long time, but our faith may rest in the assurance that God is still seated on His throne. Because of this assurance, we can calmly await the time when, in heavenly delight we will say “all things have worked together for good.”

We should be more careful to focus on learning all of the lessons in the school of sorrow than to focus anxious eyes towards the time of our deliverance. There is a reason behind every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will certainly come. Then we will know we could never have served in our place of higher service without having been taught the very things we learned during our ordeal. God is in the process of educating us for the future service and greater blessings….. 

Don’t steal tomorrow from God’s hands. Give him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late. Learn to wait.

Got it.

And of course today was a day of things falling into place and happiness falling into my heart… my Drishti, my focus, is clear and it’s mine and that is happiness.

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Cards and kids 

The boy and I ended up having some pretty intensive healing stuff happen today. We have an amazing support system of people here in town who are helping guide us to a better place. It amazes me how much stuff there is that seems to need to be addressed. For me it was a big chunk of my life but for them it was their entire lives. 

We were exhausted but knew we had done some big stuff. One thing we had agreed on was making sure our house returned to a place of love instead of one of fear. 

So when we came home we sat at the table and played cards all together for a couple of hours. We laughed, we discovered our competitive sides, we were reminded that I can’t bluff. It was fun – it is the way I want our family to be. Happiness. 

Love is going to win. 

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First day of spring 

I am so happy that today is the first day of spring. I love this season for many reasons (the biggest being that it means that the cold is hopefully on it’s way out), but this year I find more than ever I need the reminder that change is possible. I need to change how I am dealing with things. It seems that Mr. X plans on spending a lifetime trying to keep us in a place where we are insecure and fearful. We just got through the emotional  episode he created a few weeks ago and now are in a financial one where he is apparently refusing not only to pay for the ordered treatments for the kids, but also the support payment for this month.  It seems to be the one way he figures he has left to cause pain and chaos and he wants to push it until I break.

Except I’m not going to break again. The last few weeks have really made me realize that I need to strengthen my coping skills when it comes to him. I can’t allow this kind of chaos to reign in our home.

Obviously I can’t change who he is or how he rolls, but I sure can change how I deal with it. I think I have finally realized that no matter how much I hope or pray (and I have for years) that he will turn into someone I could trust or even just have a basic polite relationship with, that’s not going to happen. I hope I have anyway – it’s painful to want someone to turn into the kind of person you know they could be but to know it’s probably never going to happen.

But, here we are in a season of change. I get to decide how I am going to handle things as we move ahead. I am not going to spend the foreseeable future feeling insecure and afraid.

I was reminded in church yesterday that loved people know how to love and that it is important that we receive love so that we know how to give love. The main focus of our home has always been love, but somehow fear and anger got caught up inside of that and it changed things.

I need to make sure that our home is once again filled with love so that we can go out into the world and share love. We all need to know how to give and receive love. So, I am going to hand off my feelings of fear and anger to my higher power and to the people here who can deal with it, and I’m going to go back to loving. Part of stepping out of my fear is being able to stand up to him and not allow the way I am being treated to continue any longer. It’s not ok.

Happiness today is knowing that the season is changing and so am I. It’s been a long ass road.

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Routine 

I will tell everyone I know how much I resent routines. I don’t like getting up and doing the school morning rush, I especially hate making lunches, I grumble every day as I go meditate, I usually don’t want to exercise, I often look for excuses not to go to church Sunday…. all of these routines that keep our lives organized I complain about. 

I want to be a free spirit and just do what moves me. Except that does not work so well and it turns out I do need a bedtime, consistent mealtimes, regular meditation, regular exercise, time set aside for spiritual practice. And so do my kids. 

I’ve had some pretty big nudges from the universe lately that have left me feeling a little like this:


And yet what choice do I have? Well I do.. you either pay attention and answer or you stand on the edge of the cliff forever. It’s funny, because this meme actually shows exactly what I’ve been describing to my close people lately about how I’ve been feeling. Stand and ignore or leap in faith. 

We had a bunch of activities happen today, all part of our routine – and the kids thrive doing these things. This lays the foundation for happiness. Breaking out of the routine and splashing in our massive puddle like the girl and her cousin did? That’s soul laughing happiness. It’s all part of the complete package. 

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The spring puddle 

Things are melting like crazy and our giant puddle appeared in the yard today. This puddle holds generations of memories of kids splashing and playing – my mom remembers playing in it, my generation did, and so do our kids. Maybe even my grandpa’s generation found time to sneak out and play in the puddle.

It means (hopefully) the end of the brutal cold is gone and we have survived another winter. I am ready to see things start to grow, the calves start to come, the swans return, and smiles come back to our warmer and happier faces. Spring… it is the promise of new life and regrowth.

I have been working on some personal development – funny how the dark times seem to generate even stronger bursts of learning and growing. The rainbow in the storm.

It made me smile today seeing the puddle come back. I will need to grab my boots and my kids and go outside and play in it a little bit. Happiness.

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Spring forward 

It was beautiful outside today – for the first time in what feels like forever it was actually nice enough to go outside for a walk with my Dotted Dog. When I don’t do it on a regular basis, I forget how balancing just walking outside in nature is for my spirit.

I walked a path that holds so many memories for me – memories of my childhood, my horses, my dad. Usually when I do this walk I am filled with emotions about times past, in the last couple of years it has usually involved some tears as I pass by the spot where we scattered some of Dad’s ashes.

Today though, there were the old memories sitting there like old friend, but there was also a lot of looking forward in anticipation for the future. I was thinking about all the new footprints we will be leaving here as little memory banks. We have been working so hard these last few years to remove the unpleasantness of the past, it is really nice to be able to have reached a place where I can begin to look ahead with excitement and hope.

I am understanding that Mr. X will always try and send as much hate, chaos, and fear as he possibly can my way. That is just how life is going to be. But, I am learning better coping mechanisms – I am building a better support system – and my reactions are lessening. That allows me to be able to look ahead with joy more often than looking over my shoulder in fear.

Happiness was watching my happy, happy dog running all over the place, happiness was standing in this place I love so much and feeling that there are joyful things coming ahead.

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Happier calm

It seems like we are coming back to a happier kind of calm again. I am learning that I need to be able to provide safety and peace in our home no matter what is being thrown at us. So it’s the learning process of keeping myself grounded and focused on what’s important. 

It felt like that today. Things are shifting inside and out. I feel new energy coming to me and the cold weather seems to finally have left us. All of that is happiness. 

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You are really beautiful 

Tonight I had to take the girl into urgent care (again) because she was having some bad tummy pain. I swear we are their most frequent clients. 

The staff at the Cochrane urgent care are fantastic and always go out of their way to make sure my kids are well cared for and feel safe. 

The girl had to get some blood taken and she is terrified of needles. The nurse spent a lot of time talking with her and making sure she felt ok about what was happening. When she was done and we were talking, the nurse turned to my girl and said you are so beautiful, look at that face… just … wow…. look at you. You are so beautiful. 

On the way home my girl turned to me and said I was feeling so crappy and that nice lady told me over and over how beautiful I am. It made me feel so good. 

We got home and her brother wanted to know how she was feeling and what the doctor had said and all he got out of her was the lady looking after me said I was so beautiful. It made me feel so good. 

Little bits of kindness go a long way. Happiness. Love. 

(By the way she should be fine. It seems the stress of the last few weeks caught up with her and this is how her body displays it.)

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Movie night 

We had a bit of a tummy bug in the house today. That added to the stress that has been pummeling my family meant we really have needed to stop and slow things a bit. 

We all sat together tonight and watched Ice Age Collision Course – we love the Ice Age movies. I have really realized over the last couple of days we need to refocus on love and peace. We let some evil and hurtful forces enter into our energy fields and that is exactly  we have worked so hard to heal from. It will be a continuous journey, but one I am dedicated to leading us on. 

Happiness –  sitting with my monsters and laughing at a movie. What a blessing they are. 

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