Today’s happiness moment was an evening walk with Dottie, Mom and Jenna followed by a cuddled up movie with Jenna.
It was a beautiful evening to walk and visit and look at the mountains. It was warm and fuzzy to finish it off with some quiet time with my Jenna.
I got to do THE thing that is guaranteed to make my soul smile today. I don’t do it enough, but oh when I do…..
Dottie followed me out into the field. She’s never seen me on a horse before and at first was a little confused but soon fell in pace behind us. For a dog who had to live such a confined life up until 4 months ago, she certainly has adapted to her ranch freedom well (now if I could just get her to stop chasing cars!) My nephew said you look awesome out there auntie Melissa, with your majestic cow dog!
There was a moment that suspended in time while I was riding. I was at the top of the field on the dude named Princess, my mom and my nephew were visiting halfway down the field, Jenna was madly riding her bike up from our house, and Jacob was walking up the road. All of us outside enjoying a beautiful summer night. I looked up onto the sky and the sun was sending sparkly rays through a hole in the clouds. It was as if Dad was smiling down on us from heaven. It felt like a normal, happy night. Well…. a night in the new normal anyway. A happiness moment.
Happiness moment today was hanging out at the creek with kids and cousins and dogs. It was hot and sunny and beautiful. We are so blessed we have the most beautiful place on earth to enjoy.
In case you were wondering what the happiest dog in the world looks like, this is it. Dottie went to the creek for the first time ever today. She thought it was possibly the most awesome thing she has ever done.
This place makes my soul shine. I am thankful every second that we are here and able to enjoy it.
I finished off Stampede Week by eating an entire bag of Those Little Donuts. I’m not kidding and I’m not proud of it (I’m a little proud actually). After serious testing over the years I can tell you that they’re the best mini donuts in the park – probably because they make them as you order them. And we ordered a lot last night. A bag for everyone and then it was fight to the death to hold onto yours. I lost one of my donuts to Jenna because I wasn’t paying enough attention, but after that I held my bag closer. A very non-Ayurvedic meal, but a fun one nonetheless.
But now that Stampde is over I need to get back to a better routine. Who am I kidding? I’ve been in a bad eating routine since we moved back. Better than it could have been, but I most certainly dealt with Dad’s illness and death by eating every piece of cake I could get my hands on.
Now is the time to change that. I want to have lots of happy and healthy years ahead of me, and I know the best way to do that is to honour my body and soul.
I haven’t gone out walking since Dad died – not because of Dad, but because of all the grizzly bears in the area. Anyone who tells you they’re all disappearing doesn’t live where I do, that’s for sure. On my walking path there was a mama and her triplets and then a few days later a male. I became bear-a-noid and did my working out on the elliptical at home. Fine, but not nearly as good for my body and soul.
Today, bears be dammed, my Dotted Dog and I headed out for a walk/jog. I’m not a runner, but I’ve done the couch to 5K program a few times and liked/hated it. I don’t mind small runs when I’m in shape – no desire for long distance ones. I put some music on my phone – music from a time when I was younger and felt strong and powerful – and headed off.
As I was jogging along singing loudly to Rebel Yell (which I knew would have the added benefit of scaring away any wildlife – unless they thought I was dying and therefore easy prey), I realized that was exactly what I am starting to do – finding my own rebel yell. Three years ago my body and soul were both broken. I had finally realized that unlike Sleeping Beauty, my Prince Charming was not going to rescue me and that I had better wake my own self up. And that I have. Sometimes I feel weak and not good enough, and then I remind myself of how far I’ve come. Three years ago I couldn’t walk across the room without being in unbearable pain. Now I run around, ride horses, garden, play with the kids, go walking, and do yoga – all impossible things three years ago. Thank goodness I decided to become my own hero. In doing that I also showed the kids they can become their own heros too.
I think this building a better me is part of why I love living in this old house we live in so much. I can relate to this place. This house has been neglected and was empty, but it is deeply loved by the entire (extended) family. We are pouring life and love back into it. Good things come from this house.
My happiness moment was Jacob lying with his huge teenage body on the couch. He looked at me as I walked by and said mom, please don’t tickle me. Which of course meant I sat right on top of him pinning him down and counted all his ribs. When he laughs like that he’s just like little Jacob of his younger days. The dog got so upset that he was getting all the attention she jumped on top of him as well – which worked out for me as I was able to tickle him better. Small happiness moments – what life is really made up of. Although our big happiness moments are pretty awesome too.
I know we have all changed in some ways in the short time we have been home. Some of it has come through struggle and heartache. I had several moments in the last weeks of Dad’s life where I knew deep in my soul that what I was living in that moment would change me forever. Not all those changes are a bad thing either. Sure, there’s the broken feelings of missing Dad, but there was a certain strength I found during that time – and a special bonding with my mom and sister as we held each other close. That strength I will carry with me on the next part of my life journey. I got to know myself a lot better and discovered that I had a much deeper faith and love than I ever knew.
I also see changes in the vibe of our household. The kids are happier being home – they love running across the yard to visit cousins, or to visit nana, or to visit the horses. Jenna spends hours riding her bike up and down the driveway and running up to the barn to see the cats. Jacob can play with his cousin, and gets to ride the sit down mower all over the place.
I can see the happy house vibe in the pets. Ella the cat has gone from being a true scaredy cat – hiding at the slightest noise and not allowing anyone to hold her for long – to being the happiest, calmest, most cuddly little furball around. She purrs her way all over the place and is usually happily flopped in a sunbeam right in the middle of the house.
Dottie actually smiles. If you didn’t know that a dog could smile then you need to see my Dotted Dog. She has gone from a contained, leashed life, to one of freedom. She runs around my yard, she runs out into the field. She runs behind the barn. She’s like Forrest Gump, she started running and she hasn’t stopped. Often when she’s running about she tears up to me and gives me a hige grin before taking off a full speed again. To me, she represents the freedom we have all found since returning home.
Today we had a massive thunder storm – the kind where the entire house was dark and the windows shook. After it was over, Dottie ran outside for a while. When she came back in she was covered in mud, had the biggest happy grin on her face, and dropped a horse hoof (the trimmed part – farriers must have been here) at my feet, and danced around. Once I got over the gahhhhh so much mud to clean up moment I took in her happiness and realized that was my happiness moment for the day. It embodies everything good about being here. Freedom and fun.
Her appreciation of this simple thing personifies my happiness moment of the day. We spent the afternoon cleaning up the yard. Jacob mowed the lawn, I dug up the flower bed, Jenna pulled out the hammocks, and Dottie chased the lawnmower. It was all so simple, and yet so satisfying.
Our vegetable garden is starting to come up. As I was digging my flower bed I was looking over at it and remembering when it was put in. It was the Mother’s Day weekend and Jacob planted it with his uncle while his Grandpa watched. Three generations focused on that garden. Dad loved to garden – both vegetable and flower. I miss digging in the dirt beside him while he figured out exactly where he wanted everything. It brought him so much joy. But it brings me joy too – and this year we will have an awesome garden. Full of beautiful memories. Lovely in it’s simplicity.
My happiness moment of the day today is also the thing that consistently keeps me in balance. My walk. It’s supposed to be my daily walk but lately, for one reason or another, it hasn’t been every day. Some days I haven’t gone for a good reason and other days the reason has been too tired or too windy. Although in my defense, those Chinook winds can be brutal and my blood is still set to Virginia temperature.
Today though was a wonderful walking day. The sun was warming my soul. The wind wasn’t bad. The mountains were beautiful. Things are slowly greening up.
When we got back, Dottie bolted around the back of the house in hot persuit of something. I assumed it was the deer who stare in my windows at me every morning. But when I followed her, it was my parents’ cat Flower in his alter ego state of Killer Not sure who should have been more afraid.
This evening we were driving into town and we were talking about what superpower we would want. I wanted to be invisible so I could vanish when people annoyed me and both kids wanted to fly so they could get away from annoying people (introverted family you think?).
Then Jacob said you know how it is when you just get tired of being in a conversation and you want to leave but you can’t – so then your brain goes to your body “well, if you want to stay here that’s fine, but I’m outta here”.
That is the story of my life. I find myself in conversations I don’t want to be in anymore and my brain just walks out and leaves my body behind.
I’ve been giggling about it all night. Love that kid.
To be rooted is perhaps the most important and least recognized need of the human soul. – Simone Weil
My cousin put this quote on my Facebook wall yesterday saying it was something that reminded her of me. A lot of time over these past few years have been spent figuring out what grounds me and what to do about it.
What grounds me? I rediscovered last summer that this grounds me
I remember laughing about this fact years ago when I was riding all the time the only stable thing in my life is my horses. Over the years I’ve thought about that statement and refined it (I was in my early twenties at the time and if you’d told me I would be moving away from Calgary I wold have laughed hysterically)
Being home grounds me. Home in the larger word than just a house. Home where family is. Home at the ranch. Home where I look outside and see the barn. Home where I walk outside of my house and the first sound I hear is the gentle zerbert sound of a horse sneeze. Home where little Melissa ran around and played with her sister and cousins in the same yard her mom played and in the same yard her grandpa played.
Like roots attaching into the ground I can feel myself grounding back in here. A different and more purposeful grounding than I had before when I took it for granted.
This morning while driving home from the school drop off I had to pull over and take in the view of the mountains. It was breathtaking and I felt my soul smile as I stood outside of the car breathing in the morning air. As I stood there I thought about being grounded and being home and sticking my roots in.
But then when I got back in the car the song Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond came on the radio and it brought me to Rhode Island summers. We had some beautiful summers there at the beach and driving to Newport and to Boston That song is the song they play at the Red Sox games and Jacob became such a Red Sox fan there.
I realized we had left roots everywhere we have been in some way, shape or form.
One of the churches in Roanoke had this on their sign: bloom where you are planted and it became a mantra of sorts for me during my time there. I tried (perhaps too hard) to bloom and flourish no matter where I was. I have to say though, there are certain conditions that are absolutely better for growth than others.
Learning about Ayurveda has taught me that a lot of my sense of being ungrounded is a Vata imbalance. I knew this, I studied this. I practiced a Vata pacifying lifestyle And yet no matter what I did I remained unbalanced.
Calgary physically is about the most Vata aggravating place on the planet. It’s dry, windy, and cold, cold, cold.
I knew that a lot of my imbalance had nothing to do with anything physical. I could live in a Vata pacifying place, eat Vata pacifying foods, and practice Vata pacifying routines and it wasn’t going to solve my problem.
My issue was and is spiritual And it’s being balanced in this most Vata aggravating of places. Where my roots are.
Happiness moment: a little couch nap this afternoon with Ella the Cat being a purr machine on my chest. Part way through she rolled over, leaned down to where Dottie the Dotted Dog was lying, balled her paw into an unclawed fist and punched her a few times in the head. When Dottie looked up, Ella rolled over on her back and cuddled up to me so Dottie knew she was missing something. They pretend to hate each other but they actually have a pretty special friendship. Shhhh don’t tell anyone.
This quote from Louise Hay popped up on my newsfeed and I have to say it perfectly describes my life right now. Probably always, but absolutely right now in this moment.
The past few months I have felt guidance from some power bigger than I in ways I have never experienced. Things have fallen into my life in ways I would never have expected and it’s all happened with ease and grace. All of this during a time that is challenging and emotional and…..
Yet there is this guidance, this comfort. This presence that I can truly feel that is walking along with me. A physical manifestation of this loving guidance comes in the form of my beloved dog Kayla who has been gone for 8 years now. During times of uncertainty in my life I see her out of the corner of my eye. She has been many places guiding me and I see her often lately here walking around. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. I feel her around me.
But this Divine Guidance of course comes from a bigger power. The Source, God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it. Something big is helping to guide my life right now and it’s so important that I stay out of my own way.
My life is in order at a very deep, peaceful level.
Happiness monent: Jenna was invited to a birthday party today by a girl at her school. It warms my heart the way both kids have settled into this school. But the fact that she has a friend who invited her to this party was huge. She has been so excited all week.
My little Dotted Dog has some issues. She’s socially challenged and a little neurotic This is why we get along so well. I understand those issues well.
She has a history of chasing cars and being unsociable with dogs. It’s not that she’s aggressive, but since she has no social skills (and thinks she’s a human ) she’s run into some difficulties. More so typically with owners.
This mornng she met my cousin’s dog, Star, who is 7 months old and full of energy. I was a little worried about how it would go. But Star came running at her like Dottie was the most amazing being in the world and Dottie decided to just pretend she wasn’t there. Eventually they ended up settling into an ok kind of walk with Star bouncing and Dottie with her cloak of invisibility.
Out on the walk, Dottie saw what may have been her first gopher. I never saw it to be sure but there certainly was something of interest there.
But the biggest deal of all was that as soon as we got back in the yard I let her off her leash. Because of the car chasing and general neurosis she’s always on a leash. But now she has more freedom.
My moment of happiness. Freedom.
This made me think how true this is for all of us. Dottie is not the only one to have freedom. Jacob got to walk to Tim Hortons with friends. Today the kids walked the mall by themselves. Freedoms they never had before.
There is a huge amount of freedom that comes with the feeling of security and belonging.
