Tag Archives: gratitude

happiness

Unbroken 

There have been events over the past few years that have almost broken me. I have had people whom I trusted smile to my face and then turn around and attempt to break me without a second thought. At the worst of the worst I was just-about-broken.

Then I had a realization that I still had some choices. I could stay as I was or I could start reaching for a better and happier life. It’s been a long haul and some unpleasant and really sad bumps on the road, but I’m a much better and stronger version of myself. I believe along this journey that my kids have become better and happier versions as well. We certainly laugh a lot more.

I had someone break a trust with me recently, nothing too serious, but someone whom I put my faith into lied to me and that left me hurt, mad, and upset. Fortunately it’s not someone that I have to have any further contact with and I can take this as a life lesson and move on.

What it has left me with though, is an appreciation for how wonderful those people who are in my inner circle, in my tribe, are. I am surrounded by people whom I can trust and depend on. I have people to laugh with, people to cry with, and people to share my life with.

In the shadow of this one unpleasant experience I have had many other beautiful ones shine though. I spent New Years Eve at a community party and visited with a lot of extended family that I haven’t really had a chance to see since we moved back home. I was amazed at how they went out of their way to include me, drawing me out of my shy, social awkwardness to share stories and laughter.

There certainly are a lot of wonderful, beautiful people in the world. I’m blessed to be surrounded by so many of them. I may have been just-about-broken but now what I am is unbroken.

My happiness moment was driving Jacob home from school today. We were laughing and he was sharing things that had happened during his day. We came around the corner on the road to be astounded by the sunset. I had to pull over to get a better look and Jacob said mom, I can’t believe we live here. It’s so beautiful. We are so lucky. And I totally agree.

Whenever I see the sunset or the sunrise I am reminded that there is a strong, loving force out there looking after us. Being here and looking at these mountains will make me happy for the rest of my life.


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The last day…

Typically this weekend is a sad one. We are usually heading to the airport, crying, and saying goodbye to family. Sometimes we are lucky and a winter storm in Chicago or the East Coast cancels flights and we get to have an extra day or so. But, our hearts always know there is a sad goodbye coming.

This year we don’t have to go anywhere but down the road to our home. We have spent a lot of time this weekend talking about how nice it is to be here to stay and not have all that emotional upset of having to say goodbye to everyone.

I’ve been going over some blog posts from the beginning of this year and what really hits me is how brutally lonely we were back then. I am so grateful that we don’t have to be so alone anymore. Whatever other turmoil the past year brought us, I am thankful that we are back home.

We took the kids out for one last run on the sleds before we are back to the grind tomorrow. I think they had fun….


Hearing the laughter as they flew past me howling in joy was my happiness moment for the day. What a great start to the year. I have felt very held in love by those around us these past few days. It’s so easy to get caught up in negative thoughts, it has been very good to remember that there are loving, kind, fun people to share laughter and life with.

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The force awakens…finally 

I have finally joined the cool kids club. Today we  watched the new Star Wars movie at the Imax theatre. 

I love Hans Solo, now I kind of want to watch old Indiana Jones movies as well (so perhaps it’s Harrison Ford I love). 

It was a great happiness moment to share a movie from a series that played a huge role in my childhood with my cousin, as well as to share it with our kids who are perhaps the world’s greatest Star Wars fans. 

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The elephant on my back

I have this spot in the middle of my back, between my shoulder blades, where all of my sad emotions live. You may know the area, it’s the back of my heart chakra – although it took me a little while to put that together.

The first time I noticed it was 9 years ago when my beloved childhood pony Pirate died. I was living in Quebec at the time so I wasn’t able to be with him in his last days, but he was in very loving care with family back here in Alberta. After he passed, my back seized up, I felt the elephant arrive and step hard on the middle of my back. I ended up being bedridden with pain for a few days – not a good thing as I had small children to care for.

Since then every time something really sad happens, or I’m under incredible amounts of stress that elephant comes back. During the worst of the dark night of the soul, it was there as a constant reminder of how unhappy I was. Over the past couple of years I’ve been able to rid myself of that elephant except in the most dire of cases.

The elephant came back after my Dad died, but that time it sat on my hip and pelvic area for a couple of days making it almost impossible for me to move around. At least that time I was kind of expecting the elephant’s visit. I was feeling and flowing my grief emotions, but they were so intense I knew that there would be some kind of acknowledgement from my body as to what I was feeling.

I wasn’t sure how Christmas and New Year’s would be this year without Dad. This season has always been such an important family time for us, and over the past 10 years it’s often been the only time we have been able to be home and visit with loved ones. Christmas actually ended up being a delightful day, filled with laughter and love. Thank goodness for those children who let their love shine so brightly and lighten up the dark clouds of grief. My elephant stayed away and I was feeling so grateful for that. I’ve been really focusing on feeling and allowing all the grief to come through and then letting it pass on out.

That old saying pride goeth before the fall definitely is true for me, as the day before New Years Eve I woke up feeling horrible with a sore throat and that elephant perched firmly in the middle of my back. I home remedied away my sore throat (apple cider vinegar works wonders, I also used raw honey and dried ginger) in short order, but I couldn’t shake that darn elephant. Usually he perches on my back for a good week before I can get rid of that trampled feeling so I was pretty upset – there was still a lot of Christmas vacation things that I wanted to enjoy.

That day Jenna and I ended up going to the Apple Store to have them fix her computer that I had fried (it’s like doing a bad home dye job – I only will do that once and from now get the professionals to do their job), and we spent some time walking around. An aromatherapy store called Escents finally has opened at Market Mall and we went in to check it out. I’ve been using DoTerra for years (and love them), but I’ve had some difficulty changing my account to a Canadian one, and with our low dollar here right now I’m not in a huge rush to have things shipped from the States anyway. The fact that Escents is Canadian is an added bonus.

I ended up purchasing their Rescue Relief Gel on the faint hope that it would offer some relief.

 

When we got home I announced I was going for a nap and had Jenna rub some of the Rescue gel on my back before I laid down. When I got up an hour later I was amazed that I felt about 60% better. I could move my shoulders and I could breathe without it hurting. She rubbed some more gel on, and by the time I went to bed that night I was almost back to my old self. I have never ever had something work so effectively.

I’m now using it on my lower back and hip area where I store all my stress and fear in huge balls of painful muscle knots to see what it can do there.

I was so pleased to find something that actually helped relieve that damn elephant. It was a good indicator that I still have a lot of grief emotions that I need to deal with and release, but at least I don’t have to have the intense physical pain while I’m doing that.

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The new year, 2016

I have been doing a lot of reflecting and had planned to do a post about all the changes that happened in 2015, and how I feel now heading into a new year. It really is a great time for a new beginning and a new and happier life.

However, the last 24 hours have been full of fun, laughter, sledding, visits, and eating. With very little time left over for sleeping – so forget about writing. 

So I will just do my happiness moment for today and reflect later. Today it was driving the girls on their sleds while the boys stood in the snow and played with their light savers after having seek Star Wars for the second time. 

  
Also, my cousin made Grandma’s Christmas sauce and I pigged out on it on top of some panettone. It was so delicious and so full of childhood memories. 

I love this time of the year when we all make more time to visit and enjoy each other. 

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Skiing out the back door

I cam home this afternoon from running some errands in town to find ski tracks leading from the road right up to our back door.

I stood in the yard and spent  some time attempting to put together what happened from looking at the snow tracks. As far as I can tell, Jenna put on her cross-country skis inside our mudroom and skied right out from there to the road, joining her cousin. There were ski tracks from the cousin’s place down to the road where the two tracks met up.

The fields around the houses are filled with memories of family, both young and old, enjoying outdoor activities – skiing, sledding, walking, riding, walking, the list goes on… I am grateful that my kids are now a part of that memory footprint.

My happiness moment today – coming home to see the ski tracks leading right out from our back door.

 

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Tea and a birthday party

The day started off with a beautiful drive in the cold, bright morning air. I was glad I was inside my car. Somehow I thought it was about -5c but turns out it was more like -22c. That made it chilly, but oh so beautiful. There was something really peaceful about the time I spent on my morning errands.

The beauty of my morning drive.    
  
This afternoon we had one of those wonderful Christmas break moments where family stopped by for a visit. An aunt and uncle, and another uncle came by and we had tea and left over Christmas baking. Well, I passed on the baking (I may have overindulged already), but I sat and had a delightful cup of tea. I gave up caffeine about 4 years ago, and that has done wonders for my anxiety. But every once in a while I wistfully think of how delightful a nice cup of real tea would be.

Today I made a pot of Murchie’s 2000 blend and I just couldn’t resist, I love their tea. I drank my cup and it was so good! It made me feel happy right down to my toes. Even the caffeine didn’t seem to have much affect on me. Not that that means that I’m in a big rush to start drinking it again. I dedicated my life to pushing panic attacks to the side, and I’ve done a pretty good job of that. I’m in no rush to bring something in that could cause anxiety. But, that one cup was so good! A little happiness moment for myself.

We had a nice visit with the family. I often see my one uncle in the grocery store and we get a little chance to catch up, but to be able to sit down and really visit is an entirely different thing. It’s so nice to be here where there is family to visit with and share our time together.

Jenna and my niece have birthdays coming up very soon so we had our annual the girls are together birthday party and enjoyed a really nice family supper. Naturally followed by present opening and ice cream, because heck – it was a party. I feel so blessed that we can share in these family occasions and be relaxed about it. Usually this birthday celebration is accompanied by tears as we are packing suitcases and preparing to leave the next day. Not this year! I am so thankful that we are here and we don’t have to prepare to say goodbye to loved ones. It lightens the heart considerably.

The peaceful drive, the tea visits, and the girl birthday party. My happiness moments for the day.

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Dashing through the snow 

Today’s happiness moment is a very simple one because it was a simple kind of day. We seemed to all be pretty tired and there wasn’t a lot of movement. That’s happiness in and of itself, as I feel like we are always on the go. 

It snowed off and on all day which made for a beautiful winter silence. Jenna and I drove over to my cousin’s place in my city car, pretty unsure we were going to make it safely. But that little car dug deep (literally in some places) and we powered through. 

My happiness moment was driving through the snow with my girl as we looked at the deer in the fields. It was a beautiful moment. 

  

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The Hills Are Alive

I woke up today feeling a little agitated, I’m not really sure why – probably has something to do with not enough sleep and too much sugar the past few days (plus a few wild emotions thrown in). I decided to really take the time this morning to take care of that and calm myself as much as possible. I spent some time on my elliptical and then did a wonderfully peaceful90 minute yoga class. I was feeling pretty good about myself until I had an encounter with another human being. Unfortunately for him, it was my son who came home all upset about something. Tempers flared and soon we were yelling at each other. Fortunately Jacob and I are pretty fair and kind fighters with each other and we each quickly put ourselves in a time out to calm down before coming back together and working it out.

Somehow during all of this it seemed that my sister was picking up on my vibes of needing to get outside and blow off some steam. She texted me that she was going for a walk and invited me to come. That was exactly what I needed. We headed out on the ridge where we used to walk with Dad, and where some of his ashes are scattered. It is still kind of emotional for me to walk along there, but it also helps me to feel closer to him. Gill and I ended up having the exact kind of talk that I used to have with Dad on that walk… we talked about the kinds of people we wanted to be, a little about our faith, a little about our friends, mostly we just shared company.

We walked up and down the ridge until we were both feeling relaxed and happy and then we went home. I went over to see what my kids were doing and was delighted to find them watching The Sound of Music, my all time favourite movie. I got to sit down and watch the end of it with them, and we were joined by my mom and sister and her kids. A family viewing.

A double happiness moment today, first being out in our hills walking with my sister and then watching Maria and family escape across theirs to safety.

  

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The best day of the year 

Boxing Day has been my favourite day of the year for ages. I love having that day after Christmas to hang out, play with new toys, eat leftovers from the feast, and to get outside and have some fun. 

It was -27C  when the day began began, thank goodness it warmed up a bit as the day went on. 

Ever since Jenna started taking guitar lessons this past fall she has wanted to go play for her auntie Carolyn who is an amazing musician. Today she got her wish and we took her guitar over for a jamming session. 

  
Watching her as she stayed so composed and unflustered really impressed me. That Deck the Halls can be tricky, but she calmly played her way through it. 

I had a moment of supreme happiness and joy in a short conversation with my cousin in law whom I feel like I’ve known my entire life and is one of my close tribe members. 

Then later on a happiness moment sledding with my sister who is also in that tribe. 

  
Somehow I missed Dad more today than I thought I would. My mom and sister felt the same way, so perhaps it was because we felt his presence so strongly yesterday. It seems surreal he’s not here, and yet that’s what is. I’m sure he loves that we are all out having fun and enjoying the season he loved this day too. 

The best day of the year. 

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