Tag Archives: happiness

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Branding 

Every year out at the ranch  they have community brandings. As a kid I remember looking forward to them for many reasons – the baking and getting the afternoon off of school ranking high among them. Now I look forward to it as a way to spend some time visiting with  family in the community. As the years have gone by, I am no longer as excited to get right on there and wrestle the calves – in fact today I took a great deal of time selecting my outfit  which included completely unpractical sandals so that I would be able to remain on the outside. 

Jacob and Jenna however were right in there. The last time we were at a branding was when I was pregnant with Jenna and Jacob was almost 3. I was commenting to someone that it was Jacob’s first time and as soon as the words were out of my mouth men were called into give them a hand and explain how things were done. 

  

They got it. 

  

Help was always close by, but they did their job. 

  

Jenna’s job was to mark the calves after they’d had their shots. 

 

It’s a pretty special family experience and a part of their heritage. I was so thankful there were all these patient adults who stepped in showed them how to do things. Including the adult who called out the other adults trying to be lazy saying: don’t you be taking any more of those smaller calves. You need to save those for the kids. Come on!! Be fair man. And then a few good natured hand gestures after that. 

My happiness moment today was being back in the fold of the family, watching the kids learning the same way I had as a child. I stood with my childhood branding partner (my cousin) and we relived our memories of being in the corral trying desperately to grab a hold of a calf (and how rarely they left the small ones for the kids in those days). We had some good chuckles remembering out adventures. 

I missed having my Dad standing beside me taking pictures – I had to actually remember to take some myself. But, I think he would have been happy that we were out there with friends and family having a fun and normal day. 

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Lord of the Dance 

The end of a very long day. The day of my Dad’s funeral. A day that I thought would be a horribly difficult day. And yet…..while it was a difficult and very emotional day, there was a lot of healing and beauty and celebration too. Oddly enough, I laughed more today than I have in the week since he died. 

I could feel him there with us. While I miss him so deeply, and wanted to reach out into that feeling and grab a hold of him, I was thankful to be able to stand there with that feeling of love all around.

The outpouring of love was immense. It was so amazing to see all those little things that I loved about him that others loved about him too. How fully he was able to share his gifts with the world. The talks people gave  made me laugh and cry – sometimes at the same time. The power of the emotions they shared as they described the impact that my Dad made on their lives blew me away. I feel so honoured to have such a strong tribe of people around me. 

At the reception after I saw people I haven’t seen in years. Since childhood. Old babysitters, teachers, neighbours, friends. To share this emotional experience with so many people who had strong emotional ties to my Dad helped me intensely. I feel truly blessed. 

I will write more about it, but now I am tired and over whelmed and in need of sleep. 

The funeral ended with the hymn Lord of the Dance which is one of my favourites. 

Dad would have loved to have seen the outpouring of love shone on him. He gave his love and loved with his heart, and today it was obvious how many people felt that love and were shining it back. 

Happiness moment today happened a few ways. I laughed and visited with childhood friends. I honoured my dad and the life he lived. In one funny moment Jenna was talking about her supper which included tofu “mommy, I liked my supper – but I’m not sure how I felt about the TOE FOOD. I didn’t really care for that.”

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Tribal Counsel

Today was actually the most normal I have felt in a week. Normal is all relative, but it was normal none the less. I only cried 128 times today so I consider that a success. I only thought of 32 things I wanted to go tell Dad about.  I’m getting better about just stopping and telling him anyways, hoping that wherever he is he hears me. 

Today some of our family from Dad’s side flew in for the funeral – which is tomorrow. We sat at a big table and caught up on each other’s lives, listened to them tell stories about Dad and also different generations of family, laughed, and shared being together in this bittersweet way. Because we didn’t grow up near them we never know enough about them. 

But because of that family bond, sitting at our tribal counsel tonight felt easy. By the way the spelling of counsel is done with intent. Dad was a lawyer, mom also practiced law, one cousin at the table tonight is in practice with his dad – my dad’s brother. Law runs strong in the family. 

Again today I was reminded of the power of love, the strength of family. People who pull together and dig deep to be there for each other no matter what. The people who leave their busy lives to love and support their loved ones when times call for it. I feel so grateful to have so many of these people in my life. People who I also support and hand hold through good times and the rough ones too. 

I don’t know how tomorrow will go. But today I feel so happy and blessed to be a part of my tribe of people. 

Sitting at the table giggling with the relatives. My happiness moment for  the day. 

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Denial. 

This morning at 4:30 I woke up in a panic from a nightmare that Dad had died and we were getting ready for his funeral. It was only a couple of seconds before I realized that this was not just a sleeping nightmare. 

Somehow it’s supposed to get easier. 

I was told to be grateful that I had all that time before to be with him and tell him I loved him. I am thankful for that – but let me tell you that it does not help with the big, aching hole in my heart and in my family. 

I just keep thinking it can’t possibly be true. This can’t have happened. I still have a journey to walk with him. We still had things to do. Jacob still needed him. 

Today happiness moment was a silly, funny happiness. I went to get my hair done. Since last fall I’ve had subtle purple highlights in my hair. Well, today they came out hot pink. My stylist and I just looked at the hot mess and laughed and laughed. Because what can you do? I figured at least I would  be able to embarrass the kids with it, but they think it’s awesomely cool and want me to leave it like this. It’ll be back to boring old purple tomorrow. Funny moments. They’re good. 

I also had a cousin stop by for a visit while getting my hair done, and when I was finished I ran into an old friend I haven’t seen in 20 years. It is good to be home. That’s a happiness moment all by itself. 

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An over-eating CATastrophy

Today I had to head into town to buy clothes for the kids and me to wear to Dad’s funeral. Clothes for the kids because – well – they’re kids and they grow. clothes for me because apparently all I’ve done over the past couple of weeks is stress eat and nothing fits me anymore. So, now not only am I in mourning but I’m fat as well. Excellent.

I’ve consoled myself with the thought that Dad was one of the few people who loved me exactly as I am, no matter what, and he would understand why I’ve put on the pudge. Nothing else should matter (sob… pass the cake please).

During my time of over-eating, I’ve had a strange binging buddy. My cat Ella has been stress eating right along with me. Her food consumption has almost tripled over the past couple of weeks. My cat who prefers the method of being “close but no touching” has decided that she can’t leave my side. She follows me everywhere, she reaches up with her paw and grabs my hands and brings them to her if I’m not paying her enough attention. This morning while I was on the elliptical, she jumped up on the freezer which is right beside it and pawed at me the entire time – rolling on her back for a tummy rub every time I put my hand out.

She knows something is up and she’s my constant soul companion when I’m home.

My happiness moment came today when I was having supper that had been prepared by my mother in law. We have been so well cared for by our tribe. Last night was supper at my cousin’s place. The night before that we were at the funeral home when I realized that we didn’t have anything for supper, I texted a different cousin and said “remember how you said anytime and anything we needed? we are hungry and don’t have supper”. When we came home she was standing in our kitchen heating up supper for us. We are so well loved and cared for.

I had a secondary, quieter happiness moment today that was more along the lines of yesterday’s flower walk. I didn’t get a picture of them – but today the mountains were amazing. It was one of those rare, perfect mornings where things were still and clear. The mountains looked like they were right on our doorstep. I had to stop and stand still for a while and take in their beauty. Grateful happiness. The kind of bliss that comes only from standing at home looking out on “our view”. I could feel Dad standing with me. Which was good and hard. Every day seems to get harder instead of easier. But, that moment made it easier and that made it a happiness moment.

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Flower walk

Today I tried really hard to get out and do some normal life things. Spring, or the beginning of summer, was always Dad’s favourite time of year. Since the warm weather is here for such a short time, I felt obligated to take in the beautiful sunny day. 

My Uncle Gord has spent ages moving and organizing the opening of his parents’ home at the Cochrane Ranche, and today was the grand opening of it. I went because I adore Uncle Gord, and because I really wanted to go out and be normal. Which I was… And I wasn’t. 

There was a lot of extended family, so on top of Uncle Gord leaving the front to come and hug me and squish up my face (have I mentioned I adore him? Nobody else would ever get away with that), I had family coming up and hugging me and giving me love. 

Which was nice, and also not nice. Nice because I am so blessed to be back in my tribe with people who know and love me. Not nice because it makes this whole death thing more real. 

I had a lovely conversation with two cousins who shared their happy memories of canoeing with Dad. The love and the sadness on their faces was so deep. 

I was quietly shadowed by another cousin. I’d think she’d gone somewhere and she’s appear and squeeze my shoulder and say I was doing a good job. Any time someone new came to talk to me she’d reappear and make sure I was ok.

Talk about having my back. She’s always someone I want in my corner anyway. 

After I left the opening I had to drive into Calgary. As I reached the top of Cochrane Hill I had the strong impulse to turn off to Glenbow Ranch. Dad always loved walking there and looking at the wildflowers. 

In fact wildflowers were kind of Dad’s thing. From the time I was little, he’d take me out into the field and teach me the names of all the flowers. And he really knew them all too. We had little flower books and my sister and I would write down where and when we saw them. 

As time went on, Dad expanded from just teaching us the flowers, to our cousins, and eventually Mom and Dad’s friends. Dad would take a group of friends out on big long wildflower walks and tell them all about the flowers. 

All spring we scoured the field outside their house looking for a crocus – the sure sign of spring. There was never one to be found this year. Once I was at Glenbow Ranch, I decided to go walk the flower trail I had walked with Dad last summer in hopes of maybe seeing a crocus. Nope, but I came across something else 

Can you see it there hiding quietly in the grass?   

A lady slipper 

 One of his favorite flowers was the lady slipper. 

The park was busy, there were people on all the other paths. But for a few minutes I was the only person standing in this secret flower spot. It was the exact place I had stood last summer with Dad looking at Wood Lillies – my favourite flower. 

For just a few moments I felt him standing there with me on that ridge looking at the flowers. My happiness moment of the day. 

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Speed

This evening after a couple of very emotional days made more difficult by my body deciding to express its grief by having major hip muscle pain (root chakra imbalance anyone? Given the core of our family stability shaken I’d think so), I came home and had a three hour nap. Awesome. 

After I managed to roll my butt off the couch, I headed up to visit my cousin. The wonderful thing about living here is all I have to do to go see her is walk around the field where the horses are grazing and I’m there. We can yell at each other across the yard.

I sat with her and her husband and we watched the movie Speed and we visited. It was so nice to just have a little bit of normal. Plus the horses. Just being so close to the horses makes me happy. That was my happiness moment for the day. 

Had a secondary happiness moment earlier with my mom. I drove her to the funeral home in an attempt to make things easier for her and to give her a break from driving. An almost wrong turn lead the poor driver behind us to almost pile off the road. Once we got home it took me forever to back her van into the garage. For some reason my mom found both of these events hysterically funny and laughed and laughed. It was nice to hear her laugh. She thanked me for making her feel so much more relaxed and safe while I drove (insert sarcasm). And laughed. Good intentions and all….

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The beginning of the aftermath of crisis. 

When we were in crisis mode I had the overwhelming feeling that we were the only people in the entire world to be going through a crisis. I was the only little girl (at the age of 44) who was about to lose her dad ever. We had a wonderful support team around us, yet at times it felt so all encompassing and lonely. 

Even then the rational part of me knew we were hardly the only ones facing a crisis, and how even during our storm we were held onto by so many loving arms. 

Here’s what I’ve noticed in the beginning of the aftermath of the crisis. Those feelings of being so alone are gone. We are holding each other up. We are held up by our tribe. And coming quietly out of the woodwork is the support of the others. Those who have already lost a spouse or parent. 

Before I had kids people may have tried to warn me of the pain of childbirth. I’m sure even if they’d graphically and accurately described it I would never have believed that such a pain exists and you can live through it and see better things. These others who have survived the death of their loved one come silently behind us and hold our hands while we work through the pain. They are proof you can make it through. They understand that pain that you can’t describe. 

The tribe we have has circled around us and enveloped us in love and support. I am so grateful for the amazing people we have in our lives. God put us right in the middle of a very strong and loving support system. 

The messages I have received from people telling stories about how dad impacted their lives has let me know that he was this powerful force of love to so many other people as well as to us. 

All of these people slowly and quietly holding us in a nest of love. How grateful I am. 

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Photographs

On a very difficult day I had my happiness moment when  we sat down, the three of us left from the original four,  and went through old pictures. In his later years dad picked up photography as a hobby and was so very talented. It was fun to see pictures of the old days. To remember how he looked before he got so sick.  It was nice to just sit and share memories of a man who had such a profound impact on our lives. I miss you dad. 

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A prayer of peace 

Today has been the most emotionally  gut wrenching day of my life.  I have been so grateful for my faith, and for the strong guidance my dad gave me as he lived his faith. 

I don’t even know how to put into words the impact that my dad has had on my life. The integrity with which he lived his life, the love he shared, the light he shone that inspired not only me but the lives of everyone he met. I was so lucky that God gave me the dad He did. 

We shared a very emotional and loving goodbye to my dad today. 

My happiness moment was at the hospice. The kids, my cousin, her husband and kids, my aunt and uncle were sitting with the social worker. The kids took some time to share their favourite memories of Dad. How he took them on flower walks, how he swam in the creek with them, how he played with them, how he loved him. 

I feel so honored to have had him in my life. Although I’m infinitely sad, I’m infinitely grateful to have known him. My faith in something greater, in something better is strengthened because of this. 

I stood outside at the barn today and said a loving prayer to my dad that was sent to me by my pastor in Roanoke 

We entrust you to God who created you. May you return to the one who formed us out of the dust of the earth. Surrounded by angels and triumphant saints, may Christ come to meet you as you go forth from this life. May Christ, the Lord of glory, who was crucified for you, bring you freedom and peace. May Christ, the High Priest, who has forgiven all you sins, keep you among his people. May Christ, the Son of God, who died for you, show you the glories of his eternal kingdom. May Christ, the Good Shepherd, enfold you with his tender care. May you see your redeemer face to face and enjoy the sight of God forever. Amen. 

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