Tag Archives: happiness

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Sunbeam yoga cat. 

 
After three months of emotional chaos I have decided it’s time to try and restore a bit of order into my life. I haven’t been following my proper routine, my exercise hasn’t been regular, and my eating habits have been horrendous. Granted, not as horrendous as before I started studying Ayurveda, but not great. It’s that sugar thing. Sugar and I have a difficult relationship. 

I can feel the lack of proper sleep and the lack of exercise and poor food choices wrecking havoc on my body. The last few days I’ve been making more of an effort to get my routine back. 

I’ve also been gentle with myself because in the last three months we have undergone huge change and I have every reason to have emotions out of whack. But I know Dad would want us all to look after ourselves. And I’m home and I’m going to celebrate every day. 

Since the weather has been nicer I’ve been going outside for walks with Dottie. But, as seems to happen at this time of year – wildlife is getting a little too close for comfort. And, I’m bear-a-noid at the best of times. I’ve decided to give the outdoor walks a little break for a while. Or until I find a walking companion who is much slower than I am! I’m still getting used to the more recent  presence of predators. I was so used to being able to walk or ride for hours and never worry about anything. Times change. I don’t. 

Today I used my elliptical and then was just going to do some gentle yoga stretches. But I realized my body needed more stretching, and that my meditation practice has been thrown out the window. So instead I did a downloaded yoga class followed by a 20 minute meditation. 

I rolled my mat out into the middle of the floor where there was a nice sunbeam and began my practice. No sooner was I on my mat and Ella raced over to lie in the sunbeam. She loves when I do yoga and insists on her belly being rubbed on every forward bend. 

I feel SO much better after my practice. Lighter in mind and body. It served as a reminder of why I do what I do and why it’s so important to me. My happiness moment for the day. My sunbeam yoga with my cat. 

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Your vibe attracts your tribe. 

  

I found this quote on Elephant Journal yesterday and it touched my heart. I feel like the most recent part of my life has (among a few other things) been focused on finding my tribe. I have noticed without a doubt that the vibe I’m on affects the tribe I attract. 

I am so thankful that I have changed my intention to that of happiness and health. It has  purified the tribe I am with. With a clearer understanding of what I want and how I want to live my life I find that I am attracting happier and healthier people back into my tribe. 

Being with the tribe I am building now makes me want to dance like the women in this picture. That feeling has been years in the making and has taken a lot of deliberate focus to achieve. I am grateful for it every day. 

When I was a kid and it was birthday time for a member of the family, we had a running joke that the dessert would be rhubarb. It started when my sister and I were little kids and it continues to present day. What kind of cake are we having for my birthday? Rhubarb. We are having rhubarb for supper. And dad made SOUR rhubarb. Not rhubarb crisp, but plain, stewed rhubarb. 

Today my sister went out to the garden, picked some rhubarb and stewed it. After supper we had an impromptu present giving for Jacob’s birthday which is Thursday. The kids got all excited wanting to know what was for dessert and my sister started laughing. Rhubarb. Except this time it really was rhubarb. The happiness moment today. 

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Visiting time 

It has not been three months yet that we have been home, but every day that we have been here I have given thanks for being back home. We had some extremely likely years while on the road and I am so grateful that we now have people close by we can visit with. 

Today we had some lovely visits and it served as a reminder of how blessed we are to be back in the fold of our tribe. 

Jenna had a friend over – which is a big  deal. Even though we are home, she is still the new girl and it takes some time to make school friends. I loved watching them run up and down the field laughing and having fun. 

During her play date, I went up to my cousin’s place and we sat and had a little visit. Although we live within yelling distance of each other, we don’t seem to have enough chances to sit and catch up on each other’s lives. 

Later tonight a cousin from my Dad’s side came out to spend the night. She is here with her daughter from BC for a dance competition. Because of my Dad’s illness and death, I have seen her every week for the past three weeks, and before that it has been years and years. So wonderful to regain that connection and strengthen that relationship. 

Happiness moment: having loved ones to sit and visit with. It sounds small, but it’s a huge freaking deal. In fact, being with loved ones is what it’s all about. 

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Leave no one behind. 

I remember thinking several times in the weeks before dad died that there were some big things going on here and I’d better remember them. Well, considering what a pivotal point in my life it was, it is amazing how many things I have forgotten or blocked from my memory. I’m glad I’ve been trying to write some of it down. 

One thing that has really stuck with me is how my mom behaved when my dad was sick. She later told me that when dad got his diagnosis a few years ago that she told him he wouldn’t have to go through this alone. She said she would stand by his side and hold his hand through all of it. And that she did. 

She went with him to hundreds of treatments, doctors appointments and lab tests. She lay awake beside him at night making sure he was comfortable. She grabbed a hold of his hand at the beginning of this journey and never let go. Ever. 

I learned a lot about how my family treats sick people watching the final months of my grandma’s life 11 years ago. She was loved and cared for right up until the end. There was some family always around her, and at the end she was brought home to my parents’ place (her old home) to die. My uncle and aunt made sure care was provided for her and her hands were held in love the entire way through her journey. 

It was the same with my dad. Mom made sure someone was always with dad; that he didn’t feel too alone and scared. He didn’t go to hospice until the day before he died and I think of that time at home with him that last week as being a very difficult time, but one where I learned how incredibly strong and loving and courageous my mom, my sister, and I are. When the people you love are down, you reach out and hold their hands.  No matter what. I learned this from walking this path with my mom. 

There have been times in my life where I have been down and stuck that hand out for help only to have that hand trampled on and discarded. It’s easy to pull that hand back in and stop trying to be connected. But, this experience has reminded me of the importance of having those people in my life whose hands I can hold through it all. What a blessing. Having the courage to hold someone’s hand through the hard times, even when you know it will lead to heartache is one of the most courageous and difficult things you can do. 

Tonight we went out to Montana’s for supper before going to Jurassic World. Jacobs birthday is next week so this happened and trust me, it was the happiness moment today. 

   

 

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Reacting to karma 

The other day I read a quote that went something like how people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours. It’s been floating around in my brain ever since, but I had the opportunity to put the quote into practice today. 

I was driving to pick the kids up after school. Late as usual, driving on the gravel road. The speed limit is 80km/hr and I was doing it. I came around a corner and someone (whom I gave some choice words to in my head) pulled out of a drive about 5 feet in front of me and were doing maybe 15km/hr. They hadn’t stopped before coming onto the road and if they saw me they didn’t care. Slamming on the brakes on a gravel road can be tricky and I floated across the rocks for a little bit muttering some choice words. 

There is a chance they didn’t see me, but the more likely option is that they did and they didn’t want to get behind me on the gravel (the dust). They kept themselves at a very slow 50 km/hr while I was stuck behind them. 

At first I was mad. There are too many ignorant drivers, and I do seem to attract them. But then I went back to the quote that had been floating around in my head. How they were acting was their karma. They had to look themselves in the mirror at the end of the day and be right with how they had behaved today. How I was reacting was my karma. It wasn’t making me a better person muttering fickity flick flick and shooting them looks of death from my driver’s seat. 

I need to remember that I always get to choose how I act and how I react. No matter how other people treat me. How they behave is their issue, and I can only control my own behavior.

Still not happy at being cut off, I was happy to have had the opportunity to think that quote into practice. It made me change my reaction and change my behavior. 

 It was a beautiful sunshine day. My happiness moment was my morning walk with my Dotted Dog. I was thinking while walking about how in Roanoke I started my happiness moments and had to look really hard each day to find one. As I was walking and letting my brain run, I noticed that my thoughts were full of things like its so beautiful here, I am so happy to be home, I love it here. Happiness. 

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Cows!

When I was a little kid my grandpa used to throw me in the truck beside him and take me out in the fields to check the cows. I have lots of fun memories of bouncing through the fields with him while he taught me to whistle, or told me stories, or as I listened to him curse the damn gate. 

He would tell me all the time to stay away from the cows, that they were dangerous, could charge for no reason, and were something to be feared (and in addition to the smaller Herefords, back then they also had Chianina cows which were monstrously huge). So, I ended up terrified of cows. Grandpa died when I was 7, and he never had the chance to reprogram me  so my fear remains. 

Yesterday they moved the cows and calves into the field behind my house. It’s a quarter section that stretches down the hill and across the creek. But even with all that space, the entire herd seems to find the need to huddle up in the corner between the barn and my garden all the while mooing their heads off. 

This morning there was one rogue cow who had escaped and was in the grass right beside my yard. We still aren’t sure where she wound up, but the assumption is that she found her way back through the fence. 

This afternoon I looked out my kitchen window and there were two cows in that same space. I called my cousin for back up because….. scared ….. I was sure if I tried to herd them back myself they’d for sure run the other direction. She said she’d be over to help. Of course within minutes there were four more naughty cows that joined the first two. They were making eyes at my garden, and I decided that my anger at the possibility  that they would ruin my garden outweighed my fear of the cows. 

I walked out and slowly and calmly guided all six back towards the fence. For a brief moment they were all doing exactly what I was asking. I and this huge hurrah moment. I was overcoming my fears. I was doing it!!!! Four of them jumped back into their field and then two bad asses turned around, ran through the horses’ electric fence and ran through the yard. I had to go retie the fence and contain the horses (and yell at the cows). My help arrived and she so competently and easily brought those cows back where they belonged. I learn a lot from her. 

Since life is all about the little moments, I have decided that today’s moment of happiness was that small, little moment of hurrah when I was facing my fear and feeling powerful. 

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Ashes to ashes 

We picked up Dad’s ashes today. I am discovering that there are a lot of things about cremation I hadn’t thought through. But here we are, and we will hold hands and walk together through this part as well. 

I spent some time trying to figure out where to put the ashes in the car. Do I buckle them into the front seat? That felt weird. I decided on the trunk. Weird but hopefully safer. I felt kind of bad putting the ashes in the trunk of the car, and worried I’d get in an accident….. I’ve watched way too many bad sitcoms making fun of cremation mishaps I suppose. We made it home safely I’m happy to announce and I avoided any of those awkward moments. 

Even though I was completely pro-cremation and had been certain it was what I would want for myself, the reality of it is turning out to be much more emotionally difficult than I would have thought. I understand we are not of the body. I understand that the Dad part of Dad left the building way back at the hospice. However, the reality that the body now is also gone seems to be a little much. Like he was just erased or something. 

I don’t know, I suppose I will work that through in my heart at some point. It does interfere with my heart’s strong denial that Dad is anywhere but out for a walk, or out in the garden. Alive. 

Dad’s ashes had to stay at my place for the afternoon. It wasn’t until after supper that I packed up my laundry and the ashes and headed over to Mom’s place. I was standing in my yard – laundry on one hip, urn balanced on the other side – looking behind the barn where they were chasing cows, and then looked up at the sky and said just so you know Dad, this tops the list of the weirdest things I have done. Then I walked over to the house talking to him the whole way. It was weird and nice all at once. 

Today my happiness moments were served to me three ways: physical, emotional, and spiritual. 

When we came home from school I lay down on the couch to rest for a minute and ended up studying my eyelids for an hour and a half. Not only have we had an exhaustingly emotional few weeks, but I don’t  have blinds on our windows yet and it’s only dark from 11pm to 4:30am. Not enough sleep time. The nap brought me physical happiness. 

After supper I went for a walk along the ridge. It’s where Dad used to love to walk. Not only did I feel closer to him, but I had some awesome walking companions. My emotional happiness: 

   

The view from the ridge. 

 

When I got back from my walk Jenna had done some chalk art expressing her feelings about her Grandpa’s death. It gave me spiritual happiness.  

 

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That time of year 

This is my favourite time of the year in Alberta. Words don’t do justice to how amazingly beautiful it is here right now. When I drive through the Hay Valley in the mornings, I have to stop and drink in how many different colours of green God is able to use to paint the landscape. It leaves me full of awe and hope. 

I’m putting extra effort into enjoying the beginning of summer this year. This will be the second summer in a row the kids and I have spent at the ranch, but the first time in 10 years we have lived here. That is a blessing unto itself. But, this time of year was also  when Dad would really come alive. He loved watching the flowers come out, loved planting the garden. He even seemed to love weeding the garden. I know God had a reason that He took Dad back right at the beginning of his time of the year, but I don’t know what that is. I do know that as a way of honouring Dad’s memory I will appreciate and enjoy the hell out of this summer. 

This morning was beautiful. I came home from school dropoff and spent some time in my garden. I could spend hours working on this garden and I am so in love with it. Quiet time outside making our house a home, literally putting down roots. 

After I gardened, I took some bedding out of the washing machine and hung it up outside to get dried by the sun’s kisses. Then, right before I had to start doing dishes I stopped and looked outside at my garden. 

The view from my kitchen window.  
My happiness moment today. Quietly digging in the garden. Allowing memories of previous years of gardening with Dad to come and shine in my heart. Smiling and crying at the same time with the flood of memories.  I am so blessed.  

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I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m not ok, I’m fine ….

That pretty much describes my emotions lately. I think I’m ok, I act like I’m ok and then suddenly I’m not ok. 

Today my sister, the kids, and I went to Spruce Meadows. One of my happy places. It’s changed so much since it used to be one of my haunting grounds back when I was showing. It’s grown and become much more of a family place. While this is a good thing for them, I still love just going and watching the horses jump. I don’t need anything else. Jenna made me feel like I’d failed as her mom when she said oh Spruce Meadows… The place with the dogs?  

So we went and did some kid things and then we went and watched some jumping. We were happily watching when a lady in front of us tripped on the stairs and fell face first down on the ground.  She lay there for a long time while they waited for the paramedics saying that she had done something to her hip. There were  people there helping her and the situation was under control so I had nothing to do but watch. Which I had to do since it was right at my feet. 

I was sitting there watching her be looked after by caring and competent people and I was totally fine. Then all of a sudden I was in blubbering tears. Just watching this scene unfold brought up so many emotions. It made me realize how completely emotionally raw I am and how little it takes to set me off. 

As my sister and I have decided that  when people ask how are you?  We respond by saying I’m fine. Fine being Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Just FINE thanks. 

I know things get better, but sometimes I feel normal and then the reminder of Dad’s death sneaks up and kicks me in the gut. 

My happiness moment today was at Spruce Meadows, and while I certainly had happiness moments watching the horses, my moment came lying in the shade on the grass by the kids’ playground. 

 
Just lying there and looking up at the sky. A moment of happiness.  

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The simple things 


My Dotted Dog loves chasing anything with wheels. The lawnmower is one of her favourites because she can get so close to it and really give a few good growling barks. I don’t know what it is that she thinks she would do if she caught it, but she sure loves the noisy chase.

Her appreciation of this simple thing personifies my happiness moment of the day. We spent the afternoon cleaning up the yard. Jacob mowed the lawn, I dug up the flower bed, Jenna pulled out the hammocks, and Dottie chased the lawnmower. It was all so simple, and yet so satisfying.

Our vegetable garden is starting to come up. As I was digging my flower bed I was looking over at it and remembering when it was put in. It was the Mother’s Day weekend and Jacob planted it with his uncle while his Grandpa watched. Three generations focused on that garden. Dad loved to garden – both vegetable and flower. I miss digging in the dirt beside him while he figured out exactly where he wanted everything. It brought him so much joy. But it brings me joy too – and this year we will have an awesome garden. Full of beautiful memories.  Lovely in it’s simplicity.

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