The healing process

I read a fantastic article this morning on healing – it described perfectly how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been sorting out. I wrote yesterday about how tired I’ve been, today I remembered how I need to honour the healing process. Instead of beating myself up for not being where I want to be on my journey, I want to celebrate how incredibly far I have come.

The article was in Elephant Journal – they have been a fantastic source of information for me not only in my healing, but in my learning of how bring balance to my life. The article is called Living with CPTSD Following an Abusive Relationship – read it. Read it if you feel like you have been or are in one, read it if you want to better understand how things were and are for me. She manages to put words to my feelings in a way I never have been able to, it’s always been too painful and too difficult to really sit in that place. It made me realize that it’s ok that I still feel overwhelmed and tired. I’ve been through a lot, and I try very often to pretend that it never happened at all. Especially the really painful parts. As much as I need to celebrate the good, it seems I need to acknowledge the bad. Not forever, but right now it seems to be part of the letting go process.

Along with that pain is the acknowledgement, gratitude, relief, joy that we are home, we are safe, we are happy, and we are building a totally new life. That is happiness, not just in a moment, but for a lifetime.

home, our roots, our grounding place

The girl and I watched a bit of The Peanuts movie tonight. Snoopy, Charlie Brown and the gang are happiness that stands the test of time. It was a wonderful happiness moment sharing that with her.


The wrecking ball

A while ago I was introduced to the concept of the wrecking ball soulmate. It was around the time that my relationship was coming to an end with my own wrecking ball soulmate.  It’s a perfect way to describe what that relationship was for me. You know, the kind that hits you like a tornado and leaves a path of mass destruction in its wake.

Now that some time has passed and I can look back more clearly I realize how much I gained in that process. It challenged my beliefs (made me realize that there are ones I have that I can’t compromise), it made me sit deep in feelings I hadn’t had for years – good feelings, happy feelings. It made me question who I am and how I want to be in a relationship.

It made me know to the core of my soul that no man is ever going to be the boss of me again. I believe that true, equal partnerships can be formed. I finally know my worth and my value – and that knowledge is not dependent on what anyone else thinks of me. I needed to learn those lessons.

I also firmly believe that there are really, really good men out there. I was raised by one, I am raising one.

I had a long conversation with a childhood friend today. We talked about relationships, life, horses, kids… the whole thing. I filled her in on the last year of my life and we laughed at some of the tragedies and celebrated the wins. Because that’s what good friends do – find the funny and lift you up. This tribe I have…. it’s insane. I don’t know how I would ever survive without them, and I’m so thankful for every single member . Sharing life stories, sorting out things, laughing and feeling peace with her was my moment of happiness today.

anxiety, ayurveda, bliss, elephant journal, gratitude, happiness, home, joy, kids, law of attraction, tapping, wayne dyer

I made it myself.

When I first began this journey of happiness I wanted desperately for someone to take my hand and show me the path. I didn’t want to have to do this alone; but not only did I want someone with me, I wanted someone to save me and show me how to live a happier life. I wanted someone to do the work so that I didn’t have to dig deep into those dark areas of my soul and expose them so that I could clear them out.

That white knight never showed up, and I’m pretty sure if I had stayed waiting for him/her I would still be waiting at the end of my dark night of the soul. I would still be hoping things would get better, but not realizing the important role that I needed to play in my own happiness.

Because I didn’t have anyone around to guide me, and because I knew that I wanted to make steps towards a happier life, I realized that the only way to move up was to start climbing myself. It was really hard at first. Actually, for a long time it was brutally hard. Being isolated both in spirit and because I was in a place without anyone that I could talk to about things made it a very lonely time.

Fortunately, I decided that I could use that time of isolation to just shut down and work on myself. I had two goals, to look after myself and to look after the kids.  I worked on building a strong relationship with the kids – and I believe that was a success – we have a tight relationship that hopefully lasts us to the end of time. I knew that I needed to make myself a better version of myself in order to be the kind of friend that attracted people I wanted to hang with. So, I dug in and I worked on it.

My Ayurvedic studies have brought so many positive changes into my life. As a matter of fact, it has completely changed how I live my life and all for the better. Ayurveda led me to the readings of Wayne Dyer whose words calm my soul. I read his works every single day and it makes me feel so good inside. It has helped shift around a lot of old guck I’ve been holding. His writings led me to the Law of Attraction books which altered how I look at the world and how I think about things. I am a firm believer in that Law and I know that I’ve been attracting better and better things into my life.  A while ago I watched a video where Wayne Dyer was talking about tapping and that information has been tingling at the back of my mind for a while. Finally I decided to do some research into it and I’ve been experimenting with myself. It’s quite amazing and powerful and I’m excited to see where that leads me. I’ve felt a lot of things move in the short time I’ve been working with it.

I have found this blog to be so cathartic. It helps me to focus on things that make me happy and to celebrate them. When I first started blogging I had to look really hard for things that made me happy because I really wasn’t feeling it yet. I was still feeling hurt, lost, sad, and confused. Now I have things pop into my mind all the time will this be the happiness moment today?  Sometimes it is, sometimes not, but there are usually many things that make me happy throughout the day. I’m always amazed that anyone actually reads what I’m writing, and it brings me joy the number of people who have told me how much they enjoy reading it.

Today’s happiness moment is one in celebration of Jacob. Both kids have been so good about being the new kid time and time again as we have moved, but I know it’s hard. Jacob was sad last year because he started a new school here only to have to leave it and head to another new one this year. I told him that we lived in a small enough town that he’d still see his friends but I’m not sure he believed me. Tonight as we were getting gas he ran into a couple of friends from his school last year. He jumped out of the car and hung out with them while I filled up. I love that when we go into town now the kids always see someone they know. They already have a strong sense of belonging and we have only been home for 6 months. I suppose that’s because we are home.

It’s good to be home. It’s good to make our own happiness. It’s good to share that happiness with the world.

This photo is from Elephant Journal. If you haven’t checked them out i highly recommend that you do. They bring me inspiration daily. 


Your vibe attracts your tribe. 


I found this quote on Elephant Journal yesterday and it touched my heart. I feel like the most recent part of my life has (among a few other things) been focused on finding my tribe. I have noticed without a doubt that the vibe I’m on affects the tribe I attract. 

I am so thankful that I have changed my intention to that of happiness and health. It has  purified the tribe I am with. With a clearer understanding of what I want and how I want to live my life I find that I am attracting happier and healthier people back into my tribe. 

Being with the tribe I am building now makes me want to dance like the women in this picture. That feeling has been years in the making and has taken a lot of deliberate focus to achieve. I am grateful for it every day. 

When I was a kid and it was birthday time for a member of the family, we had a running joke that the dessert would be rhubarb. It started when my sister and I were little kids and it continues to present day. What kind of cake are we having for my birthday? Rhubarb. We are having rhubarb for supper. And dad made SOUR rhubarb. Not rhubarb crisp, but plain, stewed rhubarb. 

Today my sister went out to the garden, picked some rhubarb and stewed it. After supper we had an impromptu present giving for Jacob’s birthday which is Thursday. The kids got all excited wanting to know what was for dessert and my sister started laughing. Rhubarb. Except this time it really was rhubarb. The happiness moment today.