Tag Archives: happiness

happiness

Mediate on that

I promised myself when February began that I would add three things back into my morning routine: daily reading from A Course in Miracles, journaling in my Morning Pages, and meditating. I find them all extremely difficult to do, but the rewards are huge.

Today I had one of those meditation sessions that makes it all worth while. When the connection is so blissfully intense and the stress just falls off.

Even after only a couple of weeks I’m noticing a difference.

The kids and I have decided to meditate together for lent. Instead of giving things up, we are adding to our spiritual practice – and we all need that right now.

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happiness

Ghost of Christmas future

I’ve had a visit from my ghost of Christmas future. It wasn’t as dramatic or disturbing as what happened to Scrooge, but it was effective nonetheless.

It is weirdly motivating to have a glimpse into what could be my future if I don’t keep working at healing and getting stronger. It made me remember that my energy is sacred and when I give it away to the noise and chaos I get drained.

My energy is sacred.

And I can’t waste it.

I look at my long to do list and it’s mostly full of things I need to do to make other people happy – to meet their needs and requirements.

I wonder what would happen if I just didn’t do them and instead filled up that list with things that move my soul.

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When the universe listens

A couple of weeks ago I told the universe what I wanted – what I would like to have happen in my life if money wasn’t an issue. I didn’t see how it would be possible, because it felt like money would be an issue – but when miracles happen they don’t always come the way we imagined they would.

I had a conversation today with someone who is already living the vision I had, and who possibly could use my help to keep it growing.

So cool. So exciting. So hopeful.

Tonight a group of us went out and laughed our asses off. We were loud and inappropriate and had so much fun. One of the other ladies lost her dad a couple of days before my mom died so we even shared tears and laughed about the weird grief things we were doing. I have missed having people to go out and do things with. It was awesome.

It realized today as I was driving around looking at cows that I am living exactly the life I prayed for. It’s all here. Sure, some things are missing, some aren’t precisely how I’d like them to be – but mostly I am living the exact life I prayed I’d have when things were at their darkest.

Cows and kids.

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At C, spook right

I completely understand being afraid of things that are scary, but what really grinds my gears is when I’m afraid of things that I really love and actually want to do.

I had planned on just lunging Drishti today and slowly working my way back to being in the saddle (because the last 196 days haven’t been long enough) over the next week. But then I was there, and he was there, and it was quiet, and I decided that I’d had enough of being afraid of doing things I love.

It wasn’t easy though.

I parked him beside the mounting block, climbed up the steps, and then stood there and cried for about 15 minutes. Poor horse looked at me like I was crazy. All I could think was he was green to start with and now he’s had 6 months off – I’m in terrible shape – if I fall off no one knows I’m here. So I fixed that by sending a picture of me staring at my horse to my friend. There, at least if I was never heard from again someone would know where I was and that I died doing what I loved (ugh).

After a while I realized I wasn’t going to be able to get on using the mounting block. Heaven forbid I take the easy path. So I lowered a stirrup a couple holes and climbed on the old fashioned way. Good thing I was too busy focussing on not dying so I forgot I didn’t have enough strength or mobility in my left arm to do what I was asking. But I did it, I got on, he didn’t freak out, we went for a ride.

I schooled him, we did circles, serpentines, and then suddenly out of nowhere C turned into a monster and he had a massive spook at it. Why C? Why not! I was riding English this time and I was quite pleased to discover I still know how to hang on in that saddle anyway.

I love riding, it does something for my soul that nothing else can do. I can’t even explain the feeing except that it is what bliss feels like. I am so grateful that I found my Drishti, when I’m with him the stress of the world vanishes and all there is just happiness.

He had a big happy roll after

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Love is the best way

The boy forced me out of bed this morning and made be go to church because, as he put it,  I needed some Godding in my life. I really didn’t want to go, but I sucked it up to make him happy (seriously, what teenager forces their parent to go to church?)

I’m glad I went, even though I sat in the back row and cried the whole time. I thought 2015 was the year I cried in public – turns out it was merely the year I learned how to cry in public. The topic of the sermon was love is the best way and I needed that reminder. When fear is so tempting a road to take, love is still and always will be the best way. I need to remember that when I’m tired, lonely, scared, angry – love is still the best way.

We watched the Super Bowl tonight. Even though the Patriots lost and the boy is crying it was still a fun game. He loves that team and it brings back for all of us the good memories of living in New England, and there were quite a few of them. We had some good times and good friends there. Sitting between my monsters as they yelled at the TV was a moment of great happiness for me.

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Sleeps and stretches

The weather here was pretty gross and the roads were horrendous, so I canceled my errands and had a home day. It was awesome and pretty soon I’ll get out of my pjs to get into new pjs for bed – I consider that a win.

I’ve been so tired lately and I haven’t been able to sleep properly in months. For some reason a couple of nights ago I started to sleep and now my body doesn’t want to stop. Last night I slept more than 12 hours.

I got out my franklin balls this afternoon and did some much needed stress management. In fact, I have decided my February goal is to meditate and morning page every day and that’s huge for helping with my stress.

For the first time in ages I feel at peace with my life. It is well with my soul.

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Being vulnerable

My intuition spoke up after mom died and said that he would know I am vulnerable and to expect him to make a move. Even so, I have to say I was a little disappointed when it came today, I guess I aways have a little hope.

I spent a few hours attempting to deal with the chaos created, and then made myself take a step back. I was doing exactly what I had been trained to do: make fear based decisions. I’m tired of living that way, I’ve been making a real concentrated effort to make love based decisions. But, I’m human and it’s hard when the land mines have been planted years ago. I just never know when they’re going to go off.

I realized that much as I’m vulnerable to his fear-making, and to my own pain, my heart has also cracked open a bit wider with love. In the last 2.5 years I’ve watched both my parents die, and it has changed me. It has really made me appreciate the strength and importance of love. For both of them at the end,  all they wanted were their loved ones around them. That’s the life I have been working on creating now – I just want to spend time with my loved ones. Everything else is noise.

So we grabbed popcorn and watched a movie – together – family fun time.

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Angel at the gate

This morning was a really rough one for me. As soon as I woke up I wanted to cry- it’s been two weeks now since mom died and I am finally processing some of those emotions. The time between when dad died and when mom did were really tough ones for her – she missed him so much, her own health was failing, and she put in so much energy helping the rest of us deal with our sorrow. There just are so many feelings to sort out and let go of.

What I wanted to do was go back to bed (always the safest option), but I had a full day of things to do so we hit the ground running. As I was waiting for the gate to open so we could leave the yard I noticed an Amazon package stuck along the side. I ran out to grab it, silently praying it wasn’t something mom had ordered that was going to make me cry again. It wasn’t. It was a gift of love and joy sent just for me.

For the last few months I’ve been studying at the Health Coach Institute and they knew about mom’s passing. They sent me this beautiful angel and a thoughtful note to go along with it.

I needed that little gift of love, that reminder that the world is still carrying on and that I need to be part of it, that I have got this.

Good thing because the afternoon involved an emotionally gut wrenching appointment with my girl. As long as the reminder that the love is there to balance out the scary monsters under the bed,  it all seems doable.

On the way home from that appointment we passed 3 bald eagles sitting in the field having some sort of feast (best not to look too close). A reminder of strength, grace, and home.

Thank God for our tribe. The love and support the kids and I have been receiving is what is holding us up. Pure happiness.

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Hidden Easter Egg

After Dad died it seemed like we couldn’t get the “sick” out of the house fast enough. Even so, it took a long time to forget how Dad was “sick” and begin to remember how life was before that. The situation with Mom is a little different though, and it almost feels like a reverse in emotions.

We had to take her wheelchairs and lifts back to the mobility store today. Some of the items she’s had well over 20 years, and the new wheelchair she got after Dad died made her life so much easier. But this time it was really hard to pack these things up and take them out of the house. It’s one more step out of the little bubble of denial I’ve put myself into. I had the thought as we were loading things into the car how will mom get around the house when she gets back if her chair isn’t here? Then… oh, yeah. Crap.

Fortunately Heather came with me. Thank God for Heather, what would we have done without her the last couple of years. She was essential for mom, but she became a good friend and family member to all of us. There’s something about having been through something so raw like caring for Mom and then having her pass away that really makes you realize there’s no point in having up any boundaries – so we have had some pretty deep life conversations.

And then when we were dropping off the chairs and the emotion felt like it was so thick we couldn’t breathe, the man lifted up Mom’s seat and a chocolate Easter egg fell out. I swear, that woman hid chocolate everywhere. I am finding little stashes all over the house – which makes sense since I also have little chocolate stashes in my house (and car, and purse, and backpack).

Even in the moments where all I want to do is cry, there are little sparks of joy and happiness. I guess that’s life.

I ran away later for a few minutes of horse aromatherapy. I hadn’t seen my boy in a couple of weeks, I was pretty sure he thought I’d sold him and he was allowed to just sit in a field and eat hay now. But he came walking up to me as soon as I got to his field. Just standing with him for even a few minutes helped balance me and open my heart up a little bit more.

That face ❤️

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Family time

Today was the first day in weeks that the kids and I have had to ourselves. We’ve needed the support and the people surrounding us with love, but today we needed to be just us.

We talked out some feelings, shared memories, laughed, cried, and cleaned the house (holy what a mess it became).

As an introvert it’s really important for me to have quiet time to recharge and I feel like I had some of that today. I’ve let myself get out of balance, I need to take better care of that.

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