We decided it was spring like enough outside this afternoon so the girls grabbed their bikes and I grabbed my dog and we went out for a walk.
I love our evening walks, I love listening to the cousins giggle, I love seeing the dog happy, and I love the peace of the country and the mountains. It balances my soul and that brings me to happiness.
The girls found a great little snow bowl drift and stopped for a little rest along the way. They have so much fun together
One of my favorite sayings is when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. As someone who generally tries to see the best in someone it can be really be tempting to overlook the obvious and only see what I want.
But this week, I’ve had to expand on that idea. Sometimes someone can be exactly who you want them to be and it’s still not enough. I think this is where the issue of expectations come in. Either I’ll have unrealistic expectations or they will – sometimes it even falls somewhere in between in a weird area of poor communication and lack of understanding of what each other wants. All good friendships need lots of trust and good communication.
It’s confusing when people get upset with me for not behaving or feeling the way they want or expect me to. Especially when it’s a good friend and you feel there’s a certain level of trust where you should be free to be your true self. This happened to me this week, and as I was reflecting on this feeling, I realized I’ve done this to close friends myself. I too have wanted someone to be one way and when they ended up not being able to be that person I’ve been upset. Being on the receiving end of that didn’t feel very good, and I’ve actually apologized to someone that I’ve behaved that way to since. Fortunately my friend was very gracious and forgiving – another lesson to learn.
I think for me it’s a protective thing – I didn’t want to get hurt so I want to lash out first. I have no idea the intention of the person who got upset with me, and it doesn’t really matter. It did make me realize I need to expect less and accept more. I need to be more loving and accepting of the people in my lives and drop my expectations of who I think they should be. I don’t like it when people try and make me someone who I’m not – so why should I do it to them?
Personal growth – it’s no where near the rainbows and unicorns I was hoping for, it’s got a lot of tears and heartbreak mixed in that’s for sure. But it’s growth. Always moving forward, feet on the ground and face to the sun.
The boy competed again today with his speech for 4H and although he didn’t move on, I was so amazed and impressed with how well he did. I know that I look at my kids with mom goggles, but damn- he’s a good public speaker. And he just lets it flow – there are no notes he reads off of. So proud.
One of the great things about the kids being in 4H and me being on the Hall Board is it gets us knowing people in our community again – long time neighbors and extended family.
We were at a family party tonight and I was thinking how instead of just chatting now, we have deepened so many of our relationships and we are becoming closer to our people.
It’s important. My relationships and my people are the most important thing in my life – and I’m so glad we have this tribe here.
Being a teenage girl isn’t for the faint of heart. I think my grade 7-9 years were the most difficult of all my school years. It seems girls at that age when they turn on each other use emotional warfare that can be scarring for life.
But it is also a time when some of your best friends can be found. My girl is still seeking her tribe and adding to it as she can.
She had a friend over today who I think could be a member of her girl tribe. Those friendships are important. My girlfriends (including my sister and cousins) have carried me through all the ups and downs in my life.
It brought my heart great joy to listen to those girls giggle and share secrets. It’s happiness.
I met with a lady from my course today and we kind of coached each other through calming our critter brains. Both of us are pretty introverted and have that racing mind that can get in the way of what we want – so it was really nice to have someone I could talk to who gets it.
I have to say though, my meditation routine has by far been the best item in my tickle trunk for calming that mind. Still hate it, but not as much – and I’m really starting to see the benefits.
Baby steps towards peace and happiness.
I think about what my concept of happiness was 3 years ago when I started this blog and where I am at with my journey now and I never imagined there would have been so much heartbreak and loss involved on this path. I took the month of February “off” to grieve and cry and be sad – but an interesting thing happened in that month – I actually came to a completely different understanding of what happiness is.
I had planned on just feeling sorry for myself and absorbing all the loss I’ve had in the last few years, but what ended up happening was I ended up really working on my spiritual connection. What I have discovered is my soul happiness, my peace, is coming through my connection to the Divine. I can tell when I am truly happy now – when I am listening to my inner guidance, following my instinct, living my Dharma, using the gifts that God gave me to shine my light.
I mean, I’ve known for a long time that the new shirt, book, song, whatever isn’t the key to happiness. And although having good and kind people in my tribe is essential, it doesn’t guarantee happiness either. What is bringing me a more peaceful happiness is the fact that I am settling into myself, I am deepening my connection to Source, I am learning to trust myself.
It’s a whole different game.
I had a very deep discussion with the girl today who is on her own journey to find peace and self acceptance. Personal growth and healing really should be more unicorns and rainbows – but it turns out the road is filled with tears and heartache. I mean, there are some rainbows (no unicorns yet, but one Drishti and that’s good enough), but it’s sure a lot bumpier a road than I had imagined.
On the other hand, I feel more like myself – probably than I ever had. I spend less time worrying about what other people think of me and my journey (I mean, I still worry about it – I’m a work in progress after all), and I am so much more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been.
In the first few weeks after mom died I really wanted to just quit this blog. I didn’t want to be happy I wanted to be sad. I am grateful I took the time to be sad – interestingly it is bringing me closer to the happiness and peace I have been seeking all along.
The boy and I had an epic Mario Cart tournament this evening. And by epic I mean I am so bad at it I didn’t even get a participation trophy.
It was so much fun – we laughed, swore, screamed, and he lapped me over and over again. I am really bad at this game.
I feel like we are getting to a different place – all three of us are kind of settling into who we are. There have been so many big shifts and changes but they all have brought us closer together.
It felt good to laugh until our tummies hurt. We need more fun time.
We are having a crazy amount of snow come down today, which seemed fitting since we had appointments all over the place to deal with mom’s estate.
I am so grateful I’ve got my sister to walk alongside me in this process. I don’t know what I’d do without her, it helps we can grieve together, we share a lifetime of memories.
On the way home at the end of the day, the kids and I got stuck behind a tractor. Fatal error because I’m impatient but there was too much snow for me to get around him. And since I was on the backroad, and we were probably related to him, I couldn’t even complain (too much).
But because we were going slowly, we noticed an owl sitting on the side of the road. I love owls and so do the kids. So we stopped and watched him for a while. It was beautiful and peaceful – exactly what I needed after an emotionally exhausting day. There is happiness everywhere
I had a parking lot goods exchange this morning that made me feel like I was doing a drug swap, but really I was just buying farm eggs from a lady I met on one of the Cochrane Facebook groups. After she contacted me to tell me she had some eggs I could purchase, I looked at her profile so I could recognize her and all of her photos included Mom’s Heather – the wonderful lady who looked after my mom for the last year and half. The “egg lady” is Heather’s best friend and we had no idea who each other was until I looked at her photos. There really is a small degree of separation between us all and I love it when the Universe randomly brings us together like this. We chatted and laughed in the parking lot, and as I drove away I realized it had been a Happiness Moment, and that in fact I’ve been having Happiness Moments all along, I’ve just been too sad to see them.
Something awful happened to one of the members of my tribe earlier this week. Their poor family has literally been to hell and back over the last couple of years and the last thing they needed was another tragedy. I had a WTF moment with God wondering why they had to deal with yet more pain and I tried to figure out why it had happened to them. The best I could come up with was who knows, it was totally random. But, what I did realize was that I never once questioned whether or not they were being punished for something, or if God had forgotten them, or if He didn’t love them – I know this isn’t true – they are awesome people and live life being kind and honest.
And then I realized that if that was true about them, then it was likely true about me too. Sometimes I get really angry with God because I feel he’s forgotten me or is punishing me. But if I don’t feel that way about them – and the crap they’ve dealt with over the last few years is at least as bad as mine if not worse – then why should I feel that way about me and my kids?
And if you are dealing with a crappy situation in your own life the same thing is true – we can’t always understand the painful things that come our into our lives, but it in no way changes the value you have as a person.
I was looking for printer paper in the filing cabinet at my parents’ house today and I came across some unexpected treasures. Apparently my parents wrote each other little love notes over the years, and they kept them in a file next to where the paper was stored. It was so unexpected it took my breath away and I had to stop and spend the next hour looking through their messages of love.
My parents had their issues like every other couple did, but at the heart of it they were two halves of a whole. They loved each other fiercely, and as a result they loved us all unconditionally. I’m so grateful for that because it taught me how to love fiercely and unconditionally as well.
As I looked at their photos and little love moments I was reminded that although I miss mom terribly, in many ways it feels more “right” that they are back together again.
Today was one month since she died. I can’t believe it’s been so long, I can’t believe it’s been only a month.
I went to my cousin’s for supper tonight and as the family laughed as we played Apples to Apples I thought how fortunate I am that we are surrounded with love.
Laughter makes everything seem so much more bearable – it’s the perfect antidote to sadness. I’m lucky I’ve got someone who makes me laugh, who is helping bring my smile back.
