Today’s happiness moment was sharing in birthday celebrations for my niece. Pedicures at the Banff Springs and sushi for supper. We are blessed to live this life. Happiness is all around. 
Tag Archives: home
Those summer nights.
Today’s happiness moment was a family picnic at the creek. Summer nights are awesome. Spending it with family was soul strengthening. We are so blessed to be back in the fold of our tribe.
Melissa means honeybee
Today was a missing Dad kind of day. I’m not really sure why – it was no different than any other day.
I woke up at 3am because the house is 10 million degrees and we can’t open windows because Ella the Cat tries to jump out the second story (no screens). So I lay there thinking how ironic that it was probably only 10C outside and yet I was sweating away. Remind me of that in a couple of months when it’s -30 and I can’t get warm enough.
I started thinking about Dad in the present tense and then had that terrible reminder that Dad in the present tense exists as an angel. That was a horrifying moment. I lay there thinking how surreal the last few months have been. I even wished that I could go back to that afternoon in the hospice after he died when we were all gathered together. Not because I want to relive that moment, but because in that moment I knew it was real and now I keep pretending that it’s not.
I dropped Jenna off at her camp at the SPCA and as I was getting ready to leave I ran into the mom of an old friend. They were a family we did Pony Club with and we spent a lot of time together in my teen years. She asked (naturally enough) how my family was doing and my brain responded with well, dad is dead so I’m not sure how he is, the rest of us are doing ok I suppose. I think my mouth gave a more politically correct version of that truth.
I find I can write about it here, I can tell the banker about Dad, but when I have to tell someone close to me, I completely lose my shit. I really enjoyed the rest of our visit, but the entire time I felt totally shaken by having to say those words.
So, thoughts of Dad hung around the rest of the day. When Jenna and I went to Community Natural Foods to do some shopping after camp I saw this:
Dad took a family favourite photo of a bee flying out of a sunflower that we have hanging over the door at their place. This doesn’t do justice to his photo (I don’t have the mad skills he did and this was taken with my iPhone) but it grounded me. For a few moments Jenna and I just stood there and stared at the bee in the sunflower and felt peace. It was a powerful little moment and I felt like I was being reminded of all the love and good times we shared and all the wonderful things to come. My happiness moment.
Staring at the bee – in Greek, Melissa means honeybee – I felt loved and safe.
What’s in your purse?
Today was a pretty mellow day. I hurt my knee a couple of weeks ago and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Of course, that’s likely because even though it was hurting I just kept on going. I mean, it’s summer and there are things to do. Like go horseback riding. I would be crazy to turn that down.
It finally got sore enough that I had to stop and take notice. So, while Jenna went to camp at the SPCA today I lay around and moved as little as possible. That was kind of a happy thing in itself. Although, what I really wanted to do was go to my garden, go riding, go to the creek…. Go go. It’s so cold for so long it is hard to slow down in summer when the days are long and the sun is shining.
Jenna had a wonderful time and camp and as a huge bonus has made a friend. Hopefully that friendship blossoms over the week.
My happiness moment today was a reminder as to how funny my kids are when they’re relaxed and happy. We went into our local cheese shop (happiness just that we have a cheese shop. And it’s beside a gelato shop) and there were two men there who looked to be in their 60s. At first I thought it was a man and a woman because the shorter one had his back turned to me and was carrying a giant Coach purse. Not a man purse, a woman purse. Because I was waiting in line and bored I listened to them as they told the sales lady how their wives were out of town and they were trying to figure out what to feed themselves and what to do while on their own.
When we were pulling out of the lot I made a comment to Jacob how weird it was that the man was carrying around a woman’s purse when there was no woman around. Jacob said that maybe he was gay but I said no, they were talking about their wives being away. Jacob responded with
Maybe he doesn’t know how to look after himself and he needs his wife’s purse with him. I mean, women’s purses are like survival kits. Whenever I need something all I do is look through your purse and it’s there. I’d carry around a woman’s purse too. I think it was brilliant.
A whole different perspective. I love that kid. I agree too, they are awesomely handy and I think men would likely be really surprised how much they enjoyed carrying around man purses. After all, it works well in other cultures.
Forgive us our trespasses.
My cousin invited us to go to her church this morning. They have been studying the Lord’s Prayer and today she was doing the sermon based on forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Heavy stuff.
That forgiveness thing is hard work. I think by a certain age we have all been hurt or betrayed by someone we love, and learning how to come to terms with that can be excruciating. As she said, when you are hurt by someone you love and trust you feel like one of the laws of life have been broken. Our inner circle of trusted people aren’t supposed to betray us, and when they do it is a life altering experience.
I struggle with the knowledge that I need to forgive. That the anger I hold towards the betrayer is really only damaging me. But forgiveness is such a complex thing. I feel like we have been taught (or maybe just I was taught) that what we need to do is just forgive and move on. But sometimes the hurt has cut so deep that it’s not that simple. Then I feel like a failure when I have tried to forgive but I just can’t do it.
But forgiveness is a process. And when it’s a deep hurt sometimes that process takes time. Like a lot of time. I need to honour that process.
Then there is the whole turn the other cheek idea that also seems to be a part of this forgiveness path. My cousin talked (and even had it acted out) about what turning the other cheek really means. How it’s not about continuing to be a victim to the person who is hurting you, but rather a non violent means of regaining your power and your dignity.
Which I needed to hear, because when I get hurt my gut instinct is to make that person feel hurt back – or at the very least let other people know what an ass they have been. But, there is a dignity that is gained by taking the high road and not dropping to their level. Honestly, if it’s a personality trait in the other person, eventually other people see it as well and there is no point in you having also become someone inflicting pain. Easier said than done, but more rewarding in the end. There’s also that small fact that we are all imperfect people trying to do our best – this does not mean that I need to let that forgiven betrayer back into my inner circle of trusted people. But it’s important to remember that if I’m a loved child of God, then so are they.
I believe that things come to you when you need them. I really needed to her her sermon today. I need to actively continue my process of forgiveness. For my own soul and health, to make me a better person. Hearing these wise and well thought out words from someone I love and respect made them have all the more impact.
I need to keep working and allowing that process. Listening to her sermon was my spiritual happiness moment today.
My other joyful happiness moment was this afternoon. The kids and I went to the creek for a swim. It’s still warm water in our mountain creek – huge bonus- and the swimming holes are so deep the kids brought snorkels and flippers. I watched them swim up and down for hours.
When they were done we sat on the shore staring at the water in silence. Jacob sighed and said I miss grandpa. Being at the creek was something he loved so much, and he was always so good about playing with the kids. But then instead of just sitting and crying (ok I admit I sat and cried) we shared memories of fun things we had done with him, memories of things he’d told us, and then moved into the present and future and talked about when we would swim next and which hill looked good for tobogganing this winter. Which is what Dad would want I think – for us to keep loving and living and looking ahead while remembering the past. I miss him so much, especially at times like that. But he gave us a lot of good things to hold onto and move forward with.
We are very blessed.
Coming home
It is so important to have somewhere you can come home to. Whether that is a physical location or a state of mind- we all need that safe place where we can relax and be ourselves and be loved.
Tonight we celebrated the coming home of more family who are living away – who have a home away from home, and yet always know that there is the safety and security of this original home. It was so good for my soul to have this little celebration and visit with cousins I haven’t seen in too long – to see a little who was a babe the last time I saw him and now is an amazing kid with the cute high pitched helium like voice.
I was talking with a cousin tonight about what we would do if we won the lottery. We both agreed that the security would be a huge load off our minds – to know we are cared for and can provide for our loved ones – but that there wasn’t much in the day to day that we would change. We both smiled at each other and said I love my life. There isn’t much that I need to change in it. What a brilliant happiness moment inside a larger happiness moment. The realization that we are living happy lives.
Because we live in the most beautiful place. A lucky rainbow shone on us for a really long time. It kept changing and shifting, but it was celebrating right along with us (thanks Dad).
Old friends
A huge bonus to coming home for good has been being able to meet up with old friends. For the past 10 years, trips home have involved rushed and intense visits with family that have left no time for friends. Now I get to reconnect with some of these people whom I have not seen in ages. Lifetimes as far as my kids are concerned.
Today I had a visit with a high school friend. We haven’t seen each other since maybe 1990 (ugh. Too long ago) when we were in university. Over the years we have made attempts, but with us being so far away or us being busy it just never happened.
How wonderful to sit down with someone I haven’t seen in 25 years and be able to just pick up with each other’s lives. Now, Facebook has helped with that as we kind of knew what the other was doing – but the friendship foundation from school was what tied us together.
Fun too for my kids to see me interact with old friends. For their lifetimes they have only seen me struggling to make friends in new places. I love that they get to see what life long friendships look like as well.
Happiness moment.
Hanging on the edge of a cliff.
After posting yesterday about loving fearlessly I had a conversation with my mom about how I felt like I was also living clinging to the edge of a cliff. Generally I think I’m doing really well. I’m happier than I’ve been in years, I’m home surrounded by family in beautiful Alberta. I feel generally like I’m dealing with the fact that Dad died (I hate saying that) really well.
Until something happens that makes me realize that even with all those wonderful things I’m living right now clinging to the edge of a cliff. I absolutely can not have anything more happen at this moment to the people I love. The mere mention of someone close to me having some kind of health problem is enough to send me into a free fall of tears.
It actually does not even have to be someone I know. I was at Rogers yesterday sorting out my phone and a lady came in. She had just taken her husband to emergency and he had taken her phone leaving her without one. She needed to get something quickly so they could stay in contact. A huge stress purchase done under intense emotional duress. I wished the phone I was trying to hook up had ended up working and I would have just given it to her. But seeing her emotional pain was enough to send me to my car crying for a little while.
I am respecting the fact that I’m both in a really good and really strong place emotionally and at the exact same time in a really fragile place. The two places don’t seem like they should coexist but they are, so I know it’s possible.
Two happiness moments today. We had friends from Virginia stop by for a visit. They were headed to a family reunion and went right by our place. It was so nice to see friends from one of our other homes. They’re a lovely family, a good reminder of some of the good things that came from our time away.
The second happiness moment was getting Jenna’s phone hooked up today. She had my old iPhone but it got lost during the move so she’d been without one for about 3 months. Normally not a big deal, but without a home phone we need a way to communicate. Her grandma gave her an old flip phone that we hooked up. Jenna is so much happier with the flip phone. She says she loves the size, loves flipping it open and shut, and loves carrying it around. Impressive that it made her so happy when we have all been trained that smart phones are the way to go. I was proud that she liked this phone better because it was the best fit for her, not because it was what everyone said was cool. Smart kid!
Fearless in love
I know that one day can be just like any other, and that it is us who attach meanings and emotions to certain days. But what the mind knows, the heart still has its own feelings about.
Mine anyway.
Today would have been my parents’ 48th wedding anniversary. It was another one of those first occasion days we had to get through. Already it’s been Jacob’s graduation and his birthday. This one was harder because it was a day honoring mom and dad. But without dad.
Mom and I went to Banff with Jenna and my niece and nephew. It was a great escape day where we were hugged by the mountains and our souls were held in love. Hard as it was, it was wonderful to see this loving group of people reach out and surround mom and walk with her (and me) through this day.
Yesterday I was reading an old email from a forever friend who lost her mom earlier this year and her words are so honest and raw and beautiful I often go back to read them.
Here’s a small excerpt where she’s talking about what it means to love:
Love, is one of the forces in life that leads all of us directly into suffering, because we will ultimately lose every person and everything that we love.
After dad died, MOM is the one who taught me to be fearless enough to love anyway, without conditions, and take the great risk that loving HER, would break my heart.
I love that her mom taught her to be fearless enough to love anyway. That the great risk we take in love is knowing that you will lose everything that you love.
And yet what is the alternative? To go through life with a closed heart that never lets the love shine through. What a painful and empty existence.
It is important to remember to be fearless in love. To be brave enough to keep loving even though you know you will be hurt.
No matter what I will wake up each day and look for the things that make my soul shine. I will keep the intention to let my love shine and to be fearless enough to keep loving. That is something I learned from both my mom and dad. Love and look after your loved ones. No matter what.
Happiness moment was walking main street Banff with a group of my loved ones. Watching the love surround Mom today to hold her in a love hug. Knowing that she is still fearless enough to love anyway. We are blessed.
The quiet breath
Since today is about breathing in the quiet and it was my focus – the Universe shared a couple of amazing quiet moments with me this evening and now I will share them with you.
This was my view on my drive (westward)
home this evening. I had to pull off and stare at the sky for a while. 
The sky as I was walking over to my Mom’s house: a view to the east.
The benefit of being able to stop and breathe in the silence is that I am able to appreciate perfect moments like this. It’s an amazing and wonderful world.
