Tag Archives: love

happiness

Integrity and grievances

I’ve been slowly working away at the stack of things to do that have piled up over the last few months. I have absolutely no regrets about how I prioritized my time, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have a lot of catching up to do.

Something that kept playing in my mind as I was working this morning was how my dad used to talk about integrity. My dad lived with his heart on his sleeve, and it was important to him that people trusted him and that they understood that if he gave his word it was good as gold. He talked to me often about how you needed to live life with integrity – you had to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and be ok with the choices you made and the way you treated people.

And not only did he talk the talk, but he walked the walk. I learned from him not because of what he said, but because of how he lived his life. In fact, I was surprised after he died how many of my friends sent me messages telling me of times in the past when they had troubles and they’d called my dad to come help them out. Most of these I never even knew about. He was reliable, dependable, loving, and while not perfect – always did his best to show up for the people he loved.

Now that I am rebuilding my life I have the chance to figure out how I want to be in this life. I need to live with integrity as well. I have little people watching me and learning how they need to be in the world too. That’s a huge responsibility, but it’s an honour as well – that’s how our family values get passed down. They need to learn to love fiercely and unconditionally, and to be dependable and forgiving.

Forgiveness.

That’s something that keeps popping up in my life right now. The idea that I can’t be truly happy, truly at peace, truly free, while I’m holding onto past grievances. It was driven home last week when the boy informed me that he had decided he was going to hate his dad for as long as he lived. While I totally understand his sentiment, I don’t want him spending the rest of his life with that blackness in his heart.

Unfortunatly it seems the only way I’ll be able to teach them to forgive is to do it myself. I have a few issues with this. First off, it’s really difficult to forgive someone who isn’t sorry – who in fact seems to feed off our pain and suffering. There’s also a certain element of fear attached to the thought of forgiveness – in the past every time I have forgiven him he’s come back and hurt me 100 times worse. I’m still not totally sure how to forgive someone who continues to cause pain.

But, it’s necessary. It’s necessary for me, and it’s necessary for the kids. I need to learn how to do this so that they can as well. I figure how he treats us is his karma, but how we respond is ours. I can’t talk about making love based decisions when right I am living a fear based one.

I wish my dad was here. I miss talking with him. I miss him for my kids, I miss him for me.

On the way home, the girl took this photo – it’s like God’s hand holding light over our house

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happiness

Love letters

I was looking for printer paper in the filing cabinet at my parents’ house today and I came across some unexpected treasures. Apparently my parents wrote each other little love notes over the years, and they kept them in a file next to where the paper was stored. It was so unexpected it took my breath away and I had to stop and spend the next hour looking through their messages of love.

My parents had their issues like every other couple did, but at the heart of it they were two halves of a whole. They loved each other fiercely, and as a result they loved us all unconditionally. I’m so grateful for that because it taught me how to love fiercely and unconditionally as well.

As I looked at their photos and little love moments I was reminded that although I miss mom terribly, in many ways it feels more “right” that they are back together again.

Today was one month since she died. I can’t believe it’s been so long, I can’t believe it’s been only a month.

I went to my cousin’s for supper tonight and as the family laughed as we played Apples to Apples I thought how fortunate I am that we are surrounded with love.

Laughter makes everything seem so much more bearable – it’s the perfect antidote to sadness. I’m lucky I’ve got someone who makes me laugh, who is helping bring my smile back.

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happiness

Tears of sorrow, tears of joy

Today has been a crying kind of day. It started when I got home from dropping the kids at school and I thought It’s Valentine’s Day, I should go over and visit with mom – I know this day is hard on her and she misses dad.  Then I remembered and I went to bed for an hour and cried.

I kind of got my crap together for the rest of the day, but then I got the mail this evening. It was filled with sympathy cards and letters for my parents (both of them!) like they’re still alive and reading their mail. So then I cried again.

But it wasn’t all sadness. People are sending letters and emails and sharing their favourite memories of my parents with us. More than anything what stands out for me are the people who really, truly loved my parents. And they all say the same thing – they loved my parents because of how my parents loved and shared their lives with them. There’s a consistent theme too that these people love us and are holding us up as we cry.

I mean, really and truly, I expected to feel so alone in this, but everywhere I turn people are reaching out in love.

And so I go back to my thoughts on living a fear based or a love based life.

I’ve already seen what happens when I make decisions based in fear. It hasn’t worked so well for me.

I feel like we should watch Inside Out tonight and have a real emotion explosion. My soul sister watched it today – it’s a powerful movie and it reminds me of how sadness and joy need each other.

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happiness

Transformation time

The girl and I did our first day of our 90 day transformation program today. We have some things we want changed, and now seems like the perfect time to do that. We are already in such a state of change, it makes sense to start creating life the way we want it now. I’m excited, and I’m happy I get to do it with her. I need to change some things, I am tired to the core of my soul.

I got home this evening after a much needed visit with my soul sister and had to stop for a minute in the -29C night to take a look at the stars. It is such a beautiful and clear night. I love where we live, I love our tribe – I don’t know what I would do without either.

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happiness

Focus on my Drishti

I need to spend more time with my horse, he is my Drishti in every sense of the word. He is what balances me, connects me to the Divine, brings me peace and joy, and reminds me that miracles are possible.

In yoga when you focus on your Drishti, the chaos and noise of the world vanish and through your pose you are able to connect to the Source of all that is love. That focus is what brought me to him, that is what he does for me now.

I’m trying to sort out what I want for my life – how do I want it to be? Who do I want to be? It needs to be very intentional moving forward. I feel like I’ve made most of my life decisions based on what will make other people happy. Now I need to figure out what makes me happy and live life that way.

Nothing is permanent, nothing is guaranteed, but I am determined to fill my life with people and moments that bring me joy. If this very second isn’t the moment to experience bliss then when is the time? What if tomorrow doesn’t come? I can’t put off my own happiness, and I won’t do that to my kids – they need to learn how to embrace life too, they’re watching me.

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happiness

Walk away from the past

So, I’m on day 2 of my “give in to grief” for the rest of the month of February. Shit I wish I’d done this years ago – I didn’t because I thought it meant I would be lying around doing nothing and feeling sad, so instead I pushed myself to the limit and accomplished less than I wanted and was still sad.

Here’s the interesting thing about accepting that I’m in a state of grief. I woke up this morning and my mind raced with all the things that needed to be done. I said to myself that instead of being overwhelmed by the pile of my life that got heaped up over the last 6 months (longer really) that I was just going to do what felt right and I was going to look after myself.

I accomplished more today than I have in ages. And I had a nap. My kids said tonight that it was the first time they had seen me looking genuinely happy in months.

Go figure.

I was in our local crystal shop this evening and I said to the lady working there that I wanted a light shone on my path so I could get a better idea of where I’m going and what I’m supposed to be doing. She told me that instead of focusing on where I want to go I should be focusing on letting go of my past so I can walk into the future that is waiting for me.

Damn it, she’s right.

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happiness

Fine for February

After dad died, one of mom’s friends told her that anytime someone asked her how she was to reply I’m fine (fine meaning Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional). We used it as a coping mechanism, and I found myself using it again after mom died.

My dear friend Asrael reminded me today that it’s ok to take time to grieve. I realized I’ve had 7 major, traumatic events happen in less than 3 years and I’ve not had time to process much of what has happened. I can feel the effects of that in both my body and my soul now. I literally have nothing left to give.

I’ve been pretty angry with God and this morning as I was having a pissy fit about how I was just going to turn my back on him – the boy reminded me that my faith is what defines me and I can’t give that up. It was pretty powerful to hear him say that to me. I mean if that’s how he sees me, and he spends so much time sorting out his own spirituality, how can I give up on that?

So, I’m going to spend the rest of the month feeling all the feelings and reflecting on and assessing what is truly important.

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The presence of fear

The presence of fear is a sure sign you are trusting in your own strength

I can always tell when I’m living a fear based life because that’s when things start falling apart. As soon as I think I am in control, as soon as I think I can only depend on myself (or worse, someone else) shit hits the fan.

When I can turn it over to God, connect to my Source, trust in the power of the universe, then suddenly things fall into place. Maybe not in the way I would have liked, but in the long run it always turns out even better than I could have imagined.

I’m sitting on a plane getting ready to return to my regular life after a wonderful escape weekend with a good friend. I needed this time to rebalance myself and catch my breath. And now I have to figure out how I’m going to face the reality that my life has changed forever. Even though I thought in many ways that I’ve been preparing for mom’s death for years – it still kicked me in the gut and felt like it all happened so fast.

When I got to my seat I turned on my kindle and started a new book – The Universe Has Your Back – and one of the first things I read was this:

I know this is true. I have had huge miracles happen in my life because I chose love instead of fear. Love and trusting in my faith saved my life and got us out of a dangerous situation, it got me home, it got me Drishti, it reconnected me to my family and friends.

The presence of love will always cast out fear.

I watched this happen with Mom just two weeks ago. I saw her give it up to God, I sat with her as she came to a place of peace. The very last thing she said to me and to my kids was I love you.

The power of love is always going to be stronger than the power of fear.

I know there are changes I have to make in my life, but this is the first one and the most important of all of them.

Always choose love. Always.

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happiness

On turning 47

Three years ago today I started my happiness blog. It was supposed to last 44 days and bring me to a better place inside. Back then I was desperately praying that the kids and I would be freed from the unsafe home we were living in.

In those three years we were granted our miracle, came home, dad died, went through the ugliest divorce possible and lost everything financially (and the kids lost their entire paternal side), and then mom died.

A lot has happened.

This blog has kept me sane through all of that. It has given me a space to sort things out and do some healing. There has been a lot of sorrow, but every single day I’ve found at least one moment of happiness.

Today my moment of happiness is a birthday escape with a friend. There are so many emotions today I’m not quite sure how to handle them all.

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Saying goodbye

We had mom’s funeral today. It was beautiful, sad, sweet, joyful, heart wrenching. It had all the feelings. It was a service that did honour to mom’s memory, including the most beautiful eulogy given by my uncle.

Last night when we were out with my Ontario relatives, and again today from my uncle (mom’s brother) I was made aware of the common theme that runs on both sides of my family.

Hold your loved ones dear, give whenever you can, never give up, always reach out in kindness, live with grace and dignity.

That was how both of my parents lived, and they were perfectly paired together to express this way of life.

I really, really miss her; but I have this huge sense of peace that she’s with Dad.

I was so worried today that I’d feel so alone, but my tribe surrounded me and carried me through the entire ceremony and reception after. With every deep breath and eye dab I was constantly aware that I was not alone. I was told that, it was transferred in hugs, it was said with sad smiles. I even offered myself up for adoption to the neighbours (they accepted but I think they thought I was kidding. They’ll be surprised when we show up for supper!”

There was so much love in that church, and it was so fitting. That’s how both mom and dad lived their lives. They made close connections to the people around them and offered love and kindness whenever possible.

I am so incredibly grateful for all the love and support from all of our friends and family. That is true soul happiness.

And a bonus happiness is the 18th birthday of my dear nephew. He’s a great kid and now he’ll be a great adult.

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