The girl and I took a break from reality and ran away to Banff for the afternoon. We needed a little time to just be and not be grieving. Although it follows us like a dark cloud, the mountains were a silver lining. Mom would have approved.
Cheese and chocolate make for a happy belly.
Early this morning, Mom put on her riding boots and walked out to the pasture in heaven to grab a horse and go for a ride. I hope she’s dancing with dad, riding her horse, playing with her dogs, and having tea with her parents and all the other loved ones who have been waiting for her. She’s free, she’s saved, she’s at peace.
This has been an impossibly difficult couple of years.
For those of you who knew my mom, I don’t have to explain what kind of a woman she was. She was the strongest, bravest, kindest woman I knew. She defied the odds her entire life. The surest way to make sure she would do anything was to tell her she couldn’t. You will never walk again – walks. You will never be able to go to school – goes to Stanford. You won’t be able to have kids – has kids. All our lives we were taught to not let little things like that’s impossible get in the way of anything.
Mostly she taught us what love was. She worked hard to give us the best life possible, and one of her greatest lessons was that my sister and I need to be friends, that we will be each other’s allies all of our lives.
All day long family and friends have been calling, texting, and emailing us. So many people loved mom, so many people love us. Thank God for this tribe. I had one cousin drop off a huge bag of chocolate to keep my energy up (haha), and another one invited all of us over for supper and a visit. I knew mom would be so happy to see us all coming together. Happiness, it’s found even in sad moments.
One of mom’s caregivers showed me this poem the other day. I keep thinking that as we were saying goodbye, there was a group of loved ones saying hello.
We love you mom.
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone.”
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me — not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”
And that is dying…
I remember when I was younger I’d hear people talk about unconditional love and I couldn’t understand why they made such a big deal out of it.
It wasn’t until I was much older that understood that I had been raised in a house that was fueled and filled with unconditional love. I had the safety of knowing that no matter what I did or how I behaved I was loved. So it became the way I learned to express love as well.
And now as I sit here with mom I am thankful again for the gift of her love. When I came home and I was so broken mom gave me grounding so I could find my footing again. She gave me love so I could feel safe. She gave me support so I could look after my kids. She gave and she gave her love unconditionally and I will be forever grateful for her.
We did a family communion here at the hospital this afternoon. Those rituals being such peace and after we cried and smiled as we shared stories and memories of mom. She’s had quite a remarkable life. I am so grateful for the support of our tribe as they gather around us in person and virtually. It brings happiness and peace.
One thing I have learned as I’ve been writing this happiness blog (almost 3 years now) is that happiness isn’t about rainbows and unicorns. It can be found in every moment of life – even the crappy moments. And honestly over the last 3 years I have had a lot of crappy moments.
Lots.
Things aren’t going well with mom, we had some news today that was difficult for all of us. We are now shifting towards comfort care for her and trying to make things more peaceful for her. Love is always the most precious gift to give, and right now she needs a showering of love.
Inside that dark cloud some light appeared. The hospital today quietly filled up with our loved ones. There are sure a lot of people who love my mom, and we have a lot of people who love us too. I talk a lot about my tribe and how I don’t know what I would do without them. Today was a shining example of that truth. The tribe is quietly and lovingly holding us all in this moment and I am so grateful for that. It’s the true meaning of happiness – we are all coming together in love and prayer.
My gratitude today:
My sister
Heather
The rest of my tribe
I drove home one of the girl’s friends this afternoon after their sleepover. My daughter has worked hard to very purposefully pick out kind, thoughtful, fun friends. As this girl got out of my car she said thank you for having me over. I really like spending time with Jenna -she’s a really good person.
In these teen years that are so filled with uncertainty, drama, and angst for girls I thought how wonderful it is that she’s also got such good friends who not only see but bring out the best in each other. That is a gift that will last her a lifetime. That is happiness.
And I completely agree. She is a really good person.
My gratitude:
the special souls who provide me with a safe place to land
My Drishti
My sister and the strength we draw from each other.
My baby girl turned 13 today. I have no idea how she went from the little girl wearing a tutu and playing in the mud to this smart, beautiful young lady- but here we are.
I am so incredibly proud of her and consider her to be one of my greatest blessings.
Her day began as the boy and I sang happy birthday loudly and badly to her. It ended at our 4H meeting with the club having a pizza and cake celebration for her (singing was better this time).
And now she’s in a different phase of life. I know she’ll navigate this with love, grace, and determination – the same way she has approached everything so far in life.
The years I’ve spent being her mom have been some of the happiest of my life.
It has been suggested by my awesome friend and mentor Asrael that I choose three things every day for the next month to be grateful for. So today for day 1 they are:
1. I am grateful for Jenna
2. I am grateful for this safe and loving house in which we live
3. I am grateful for my tribe.
Keeping with my commitment to look after myself, I got up early this morning and did my morning pages and meditated before the kids got up. For the last few months instead of getting up and doing my morning routine I’ve been lying in bed for an extra hour thinking about how tired I am.
It left me feeling really good and I had a very productive morning which felt amazing. I treated myself after by spending time with my boy
I feel like we are putting the pieces back together and hopefully in the next few days I’m riding again.
When I picked up the kids from school the girl looked at me and said
You know mom, I’ve never seen you so happy as you’ve been since you got Drishti.
I’ve realized this is the first time they’ve seen me like this. I’m not living the dream of someone else – I’m following my dharma, using the gifts that God gave me, doing things that make my soul sing.
I’ve made big changes in my life and the kids have supported me every step of the way. The happier I am, the more I give to myself, the more I have to give them and everyone else. And that’s the point of this happiness journey after all.
I spent a quiet and much needed morning in the mountains today. Canmore is one of my favorite places to be, I feel like I’m getting a giant mountain hug, and that’s good for my soul.
Sometimes it’s important to take a little break from daily life and reset things, restore balance, regain focus, and that’s what I feel the last 24 hours did for me. That’s happiness.
Now I have more energy to give and can focus on the things that need to be done here.
I went out this morning and spent some time with my boy. He’s so happy and he’s made a new best friend – I can feel the contentment coming from his soul.
As I stood and rubbed between his eyes he fell asleep in the sun. Sun naps are always the best kind of naps. He’s happiness
My baby girl becomes a teenager in a few days. I don’t know how she went from the sassy little girl holding my hand to this sassy young lady avoiding my hand in the blink of an eye – but here we are.
She’s an awesome human being
I took her out for a special girls night to celebrate her upcoming birthday – supper and then a movie of her choice. I figured I’d be stuck watching some awful teen drama. Instead though, we went and watched Ferdinand- because underneath the mascara and flipped hair she’s still the little girl who loves animals.
And I love her and spending time with her. I am honoured that she still wants to spend time with me. It’s happiness.
