Tag Archives: love

happiness

Somersaults and Bellyflops

Poor Ella had to spend most of the day yesterday in hiding. You see, there was a stranger in the house and she does not like strangers. I was ok with this stranger as in reality she is the lady who helps clean my house and keep some kind of order to the chaos. The issue for Ella (because she is as introverted as the kids and I are) is that she had to spend the entire day hiding in my closet in order to stay “safe”. This of course meant that she didn’t get to play fetch. So, we had to play double time today. Play, play, play all morning long. I was stretched out on my mat trying to undo some of the kinks and she’d throw the mouse into my hand, whack me on the head with it, or just put it beside me and howl. I was actually in a deeply relaxed pose following my recording of the healing light yoga therapy class from last weekend, and I’d have to pat my hand around and find the damn mouse for her (I kid, I love playing with her).

When I was done and sitting up, I threw the mouse out of the room so it went down the hall. She ran after it, grabbed in in her front paws and did an complete somersault over the mouse, landing on her back with her feet up in the air. she still had a hold of the mouse so she lay there on her back throwing the mouse up and down in the air playing with it.

When she finally brought it back I threw it and it went part way down the stairs. She bellyflopped down the first two stairs before landing sideways on the third one and on top of the mouse. Lay there for a bit all protective and proud of her kill before heading back to show me what she’d found.

Her happy face is my happy moment on day 31 of the 44 days of happiness.

  To add to my happiness moments, I’m on the elliptical and jenna sent me this text:





She’s got so much love and happiness in her. I’m so blessed

Since happiness is my thing right now – I came across this quote earlier today. I can keep looking and looking in certain places, but if happiness is not there it may not be found. The thing that made me lose my happiness is not the thing that is going to find my happiness. Externally I mean. Fortunately I believe that my little ray of happiness has always been shining inside me, it was just buried under a bunch of crap for a while. Getting rid of that crap helps. Once I started making a conscious effort to look for happiness it was amazing how many places it’s just there hanging out (like all of them).

.

Standard
Uncategorized

Anxiety and happiness

Today when I was driving Jacob to the library I suddenly got hit by a huge wave of anxiety. I think these are the ones that I despise the most – the ones that just hit out of the blue for no good reason. It had been a decent morning, nice and slow as there was no school. I’d had breakfast and walked on the elliptical for a bit. Then just *whamo* out of nowhere this damn anxiety hits. I stayed quiet, tried to focus on my breathing, tried to just work through it.

I was still feeling kind of anxious and *off* when I got home after dropping him off so I made myself go right upstairs and do some yoga and meditation. I didn’t mind the yoga, it took a lot of convincing to do the meditation. Which is interesting because I know that the meditation really helps settle my mind, but when there’s anxiety running in it my mind yells ‘don’t leave me here in the quiet where I have to be with myself’. So there’s that battle.

But, I did it. I meditated. I hated it. It was good. Interestingly there weren’t anxious thoughts running in my head. You’d think after a huge episode with anxiety I’d be thinking about all those little things that snowball into a big thing to make me anxious. But no. What my brain kept running to was this: ‘I’m hungry (it was 10am), maybe I should stop and go make an early lunch. I wonder what I should eat. Go back to the mantra. Gawd, I’m starving. Maybe I should take Jenna out to Panera for lunch. But then I’d have to shower, and well.. I’m hungry. Go back to the mantra. I’m getting hangry (hungry/angry). How long have I been at this? Should I open my eyes and look? I’m starving, what should I eat.’ Seriously, I had 20 minutes of that. I wasn’t even all that hungry when I was done.

But the big deal is that when I was done I was no longer anxious. All those yucky feelings were gone. So worth it. Obviously something else was happening while I was sitting there beside my mind trying to tell me I was going to die of starvation in those 20 minutes.

Tonight Jacob asked if he could make supper. He wanted burritos and wanted me to show him how to make them. He did everything himself while I supervised. And he was so happy. It made me all warm and fuzzy inside just watching him enjoy creating so thoroughly, and then to be so proud of what he’d created.

I realized as I was laughing with him that for me anyway – happiness and anxiety can’t coexist. I can’t be both authentically, blissfully happy and also have feelings of anxiety. What if I hadn’t made myself settle into my meditation and yoga practice this morning? I would have missed all of this fun.

IMG_4930

IMG_4932

Jenna suffers from FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and had to make dessert for everyone. As much love and enjoyment went into this as went into the supper preparation. IMG_4935My happiness moment today for day 25 of my 44 days of happiness was laughing with and being with my kids as they created meals. My gratitude is that I was able to be truly in the moment and enjoy this small moment with them.

Standard
Uncategorized

Friendships

Including the weekend, the kids have had 5 days off from school. It’s cancelled tomorrow as well so we are sure of at least 6 home days. They’ve been good days to relax and recharge, but by today Jenna (my social child) was getting a bit bored and anxious to see someone who wasn’t well… her brother or me.

Fortunately there is a girl her age whose grandparents live across the street and she was visiting them today. This girl lived with the grandparents for the first few months that we lived here, then they moved away until this past fall. It’s fun to watch their friendship. They were good friends before this other girl moved, and even though they didn’t keep in contact at all while they were apart, they’re still good friends now.

These girls played outside in the cold weather and the snow for a good 5 hours today. Sledding, building forts, running around and basically having a good time.

This place has been a lonely one for all of us and it warmed my heart to see Jenna out there having so much fun with a good friend.

It got me thinking about my friendships. When we moved to Quebec I was extremely fortunate and I met an excellent group of ladies who became close friends of mine. It was the first time since I had my group of riding friends when I was younger where I had this larger base of people I was close to, but not related to. In Rhode Island I had lots of friends, although not as close. And here –  very few friends, more acquaintances – not close – fortunately, one that I’d call a real true friend (although, to be fair one good friend is all I need).

I made a conscious decision about friends when we moved here. I realized I was not attracting the types of people I wanted in my life. I was bringing in people who weren’t bringing out the best in me, not making me want to be a better person, and some of them were just plain mean and hurtful. I understood that in order to have better friends, I needed to learn how to be a better friend. So I stopped. I withdrew for a long period of self reflection. I picked out the things that I really wanted in friendships, and I started working on making those aspects stronger in myself.

I can tell it’s working because my lifelong friendships with friends and family back home have strengthened substantially. I’ve worked really hard to put efforts back into those relationships and grow and strengthen them. The relationships I have with my kids have strengthened in ways that bring me joy on a daily basis. I can see that finally I’m becoming the friend I’ve always wanted.

Years ago we were in Italy for my cousin’s wedding and I saw two little old ladies wandering arm in arm up the street. They were weaving from side to side because they were laughing so hard, and they were arm in arm to hold each other up as they dissolved in giggles. At that moment I decided to make it a mission to make sure I had a friend like that to grow old with.

I’m lucky because there’s a strong *girl power* influence in my extended family. With a sister and numerous girl cousins (I have some pretty awesome boy cousins too), I am fortunate to have a girl tribe back home that will always be my dear friends.

I also been deepening my friendships with childhood friends, old riding friends, friends from school. Friendships I had neglected for too long, but finally have enough *good* stuff to put back into a relationship to make it functional. I’ve also let go of that need to try and present a perfect front. You are my friend then you get me warts and all. It makes for more honest relationships and trusted friendships. It’s so important to have people you can deeply trust in your life, and to be a person who can be deeply trusted.

Today, day 24 of the 44 days of happiness, I dedicate to the joy and happiness found in dear friendships. They are such an important part of life.

Standard
Uncategorized

Stress is wasted energy

I feel like this week has been full of wasted energy. Sprinkled in with some really good uses of my energy. It’s all that worrying, stressing, wasted mind energy on things I can’t change that I’ve really struggled with. As I’ve said before, I waste a lot of energy stressing about things I can’t do anything about. They’re real, and they’re scary, and they cause me to be upset, but there is no action I can do to change any of it (I get that there is action I can do to change my reaction to it – that’s what I’m working on).

Today was a really good example. We had an open house. I’ve worked hours and hours this week on the house trying to keep it looking really nice so that someone will come buy it. Even though it was the coldest day we’ve had yet this winter and I was pretty sure it would be a quiet day here I worked and worked and stressed and stressed getting the house ready. Not only is it stressful for me this whole emotional thing of moving, but it’s really stressful for the kids. So, I have to moderate my stress and try and love and nurture them to help diminish their upset feelings as well. It takes a real toll. Even though we all want to move, and are looking forward to the move, it’s still very emotional having people come through the house, living in limbo, waiting.

One thing I have learned as I’ve been building myself back up is how completely emotionally and physically depleted I was. So, the reality is I only have so much energy to give to certain things – even if I choose to spend all my energy on something. It does not take a lot to drain me right now. I’m so much stronger than I once was, but not nearly as strong as I want to be (and as I was before).

I wasted so much energy stressing about things this week that while they are influencing my life, I can’t do anything about, and I certainly can’t make better by stressing about them. All it does is make me tired and anxious and less me.  I want to be a better me, have more fun with the kids, be a better friend, enjoy life, find happiness. Wasting energy on things that I can’t change does not do that.

I can still feel huge energy shifts from my yoga class yesterday which I think is a good thing, but has me more emotionally exhausted than normal. But, I can feel that stuff shifting on out. Lots of emotions moving.

My happiness moment for my 21st day of the 44 days of happiness came at our library. We have the best library, it has lots of books, an amazing mountain view (with huge windows), a coffee shop, lots of computers, an awesome teen room (where my monsters go and play on the computer, or on the x-box, or hang out with the other kids, or *shocking* read a book. We went there today during the open house. It was so uplifting and enjoyable and free. Lucky us!

Standard
Uncategorized

And this is love

IMG_0393

 

I actually don’t need much more than this for my 20th day of happiness. It’s love day and love is happiness. We had pancakes for breakfast and they drank hot cocoa and tea from their new valentines day mugs. We played Uno, Jacob and I had a very silly, very awkward and probably inappropriate conversation with Siri which was full of giggles. It was a love day.

It was also the first day of my latest session of the Healing Light Yoga Therapy  I’m taking through New World Ayurveda. I did a few of these last year and they were so yummy. It’s restorative yoga, so I guess I should clarify that the end result is yummy, but as it’s clearing out a lot of old gunk sometimes the present moments are kind of yucky. Today’s was just really clearing and healing for me though. I felt a lot of old emotions float by and hopefully clear out. Second Chakra work – it’s where all my gunk lives. So good and so powerful to be able to move some of that stuff on out. I am so thankful for this course. I could feel so many emotions move around. Things that I know I’ve been tying to let go of for years.

It goes back to that forcing vs the path of least resistance and allowing. I have spent so much time trying to *force* all these bad feelings out of my body, when what I really need to do is allow my body (and spirit) to heal and let go. I’m feeling very blessed to be back at this important work.

Happy Love Day! xoxo

Standard
Uncategorized

An odd duck (goose)

IMG_2945My path is covered with Canadian Geese. Apparently I’m the only one out walking who is kind of scared of them. The only reason I got as close as I did for the picture is because I had Dottie the Dotted Dog with me for protection. Other people walk right up to the geese saying “hi” or throwing breadcrumbs. And to be fair, these geese seem to be pretty harmless. I just keep thinking about the mean geese along the Bow River in Calgary who have chased me down honking (and pooping – man they poop everywhere).

I stood today on the path and looked at the Canadian Geese floating all over the place on the water. A Canadian Invasion (snicker). But, while as a fellow Canadian I probably should have been finding things in common with them, I was drawn to that odd goose – and the mate of the odd goose. I see this pair often floating along with the Canadians. It interests me how although they aren’t the same kind of geese, they seem to be completely accepted into the flock.

I was thinking this morning that I very much relate to that odd goose. Trying to fit in and be part of the crowd, yet sticking out in ways that can’t be hidden. In ways that shouldn’t be hidden. Because that goose is the “odd goose” in this situation just by being. It can’t change who it is to fit in with the others no matter how badly it may want to (although I can guarantee that goose spends a lot less of its life thinking about how it fits in to a crowd than I do). It shouldn’t change who it is, and obviously (based on the fact that I see these geese all together often) it is accepted for who it is even though it’s a “bird of a different feather”.

I have spent a big chunk of my life thinking I was the only one who was insecure, had issues, felt like I didn’t fit in, didn’t belong. Everyone else always seemed to know what they were doing, had lots of friends, were happy in life, had confidence. Feeling that I was the only one with issues often left me feeling isolated, and often led me to make poor friend choices (ugh). Interesting how as I have gotten older and have talked to more people about this how I have discovered that pretty much everyone has all those same insecurities. Maybe some people just fake it better than others.

One of my favourite quotes is Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. So very true. Once I remember that it makes it so much easier to just let things go (like water off a goose’s back).

Today I celebrated this odd goose who reminded me that you just have to be yourself. Just be you and float along in life with those around you.

So, today for my 11th day of my 44 days of happiness I am happy that I’m settling into being ok with being myself. Celebrating that at times we all have to be the odd goose to stay true to who we truly are.

Standard
Uncategorized

Happiness is doing something you love with someone you love

Last year the kids and I were lucky enough to spend the entire summer home in Calgary. We got to do so many things that we aren’t able to do on our shorter visits. Topping that list was being able to simply do the things that we would do all the time if we lived there – we were home long enough to actually feel like we lived at home. We had that grounding, loving feeling that comes from the stability of being with people we love in an environment we feel nurtured in.

The kids were able to go riding a few times over the summer. Horseback riding is the thing that makes my heart sing. Everything else that I’ve found in life that I’ve enjoyed since has only been discovered because I haven’t been able to have horses since we moved away from home. When I’m riding, my spirit is at peace.

I spent many hours walking up and down the field with the kids on Princess (who is a very manly gelding he would have you know). Watching their joy and happiness while learning to do something that has brought me so much joy and happiness was a spirit lifting experience.

1487255_10154693443335277_1062620736560558285_n

The closest thing I have here to the peace that I get with a horse is my river walks. Today the weather was 16C (don’t ask me fahrenheit -I can’t even spell that word without looking it up – it just makes no sense to me) and Jenna and I went for a little walk along the river after school

She wasn’t very excited about it to begin with. But, as she pushed off down the little hill on her scooter she yelled over her shoulder “I don’t know why I didn’t want to come, I love being down here” and off she vroomed down the hill. We stopped and looked at twigs and leaves and found a little bunch of flowers starting to peek out of the ground (yay).

IMG_1335

The only thing she said was missing was that we hadn’t seen any of the herons. I told her that usually they’re not around in the afternoon, that we have to come in the morning to see them. No sooner had I said that than we looked across and there was Henry Heron trying to blend into the scenery. Jenna made me stop and take a picture of her with him in the background.IMG_1337

I enjoy my quiet morning walks, but it’s even more special when it’s shared with someone I love.

Today on day 10 of my 44 days of happiness I am happy that I have people with whom I can share the things I love. Happiness is doing something you love with someone you love.

Standard
Uncategorized

Living with an open heart

Life with an open heart is life truly lived. I remember when I used to live with my heart completely open. Wore it on my sleeve you could say. When things hurt, they really hurt – but oh, when things were good they were amazing because I was able to breathe fully in that wonderful feeling with my heart open.

Things happened, and I made a conscious decision to try and close off parts of my heart (didn’t really work because it was still screaming at me, but I tried to ignore it). Then a few more things happened and I worked harder at blocking off more parts.

The problem with blocking off your heart so that you aren’t hurt by things is that it also means that you can’t experience all the joy and love and blissful happiness that exists through living. It kind of turns you into a shell. Like Pinocchio, not a real person.

Thank God for my animals and my children because they all live life with hearts fully open. They have guided me back towards a life of a full and open heart. I watch them and interact with them, and they are just so there. When things are good they’re fantastic, when things suck, they’re terrible. But, because their hearts are open, when things suck they also get over them quickly. The great thing about an open heart is that you can’t hold onto grudges and anger and resentment. You just move on into the next present moment. And trustingly breathe in love.

A few years ago I went to a workshop at Kripalu called Opening The Heart which was really difficult and also really fantastic. I’m not sure I really knew what I was getting into when I got there -which was a good thing because it was something I desperately needed but probably would have shied away from had I known how intense it was going to be. What I do remember from it is that the vice like grip that used to live around my chest lifted because I let some stuff go. Opened my heart a bit you might say.

I hope my children never have to go somewhere and learn how to open their hearts because right now their hearts are so beautifully and wonderfully open. I would be sad if something happened to their beautiful souls that lead them to a place where they decided to close up. They live so fully and purely and beautifully. It inspires me to take the chances to open up.

Because of course with opening there is always the chance of getting hurt. But, I think when you live open and freely and with love the fear of getting hurt is so much less because you are also reaping the rewards.

This morning I was reading my emails and my parents forwarded to me a tribute to Mrs. Mackay who recently passed away. The tribute was written by her daughter Robyn and while the entire thing was eye-leakingly touching this part really hit home for me given my intentions on living life with a free, loving, open heart:

Love, is one of the forces in life that leads all of us directly into suffering, 

because we will ultimately lose every person and everything that we love.  

After dad died,  MOM is the one who taught me to be fearless enough to love anyway,  

without conditions, and take the great risk that loving HER, would  break my heart.

That is exactly it! To be fearless enough to love anyway. What a gift to give someone. That is exactly what we all need to do. Because everyone we know eventually will die, nothing lasts forever. But to be fearless enough to love anyway, without conditions – that is kind of the point of life. Why else are we here if not to love fully and completely?

So, today on my 9th day of my 44 days of happiness – I am happy that I am learning to live life with an open heart again. And I am happy and so blessed that I have such wonderful teachers showing me how blissfully easy that is.

IMG_2910

Standard
Uncategorized

44 days of happiness… starts now

Today is my birthday. The intention for this year is to follow my bliss, to be happy. To follow the path of least resistance by allowing good things to come into my life. What better way to kick it off than with 44 days of happiness? 44 days where I spend each day with the mindful intention of doing and finding things that make me happy. I got the idea from my daughter who seemed to turn turning 10 into a month long event, and also from a hight school friend who recently told me when she turned 40 she spent 40 days doing something special for herself.

So, these will be my 44 days of happiness. Or, the 44 days of Melissa.

Day 1 naturally was pretty easy since people always go out of their way to make sure that your birthday is a special day. But I also noticed I was happier in my soul today. I could feel it when I was out walking this morning. I felt it when I was working on my Ayurveda course. And I could feel it when I was hanging out with my kiddos.

The kids today get the credit for bringing a smile into my heart. They both made me a special card for my birthday. Jenna’s is here:

IMG_1287

The picture above is us holding hands under a rainbow. The poem below melted my heart:

I love you, I love you, I love you mommy

I love you, I love you, I love you so much

You’ve always been there for me

I am going to be there for you

i love you I (heart) you

so much mommy

happy 44 b-day

swoon. Takes my breath away to be loved so much. I love her that much too.

And from Jacob:

IMG_1288

He makes my heart so happy. I love them both so much and there has been no greater joy than being their mom.

To top it off, my Facebook feed was flooded with friends and family wishing me a happy day. I am so blessed that I have so many people in my life who are really good, decent, solid friends.

Happiness is off to a great start.

Standard
Uncategorized

My Freedom Eagle

Twice while driving out to the ranch with Jenna we passed a bald eagle feeding on an elk carcass at the side of the road. On the last day of our stay I passed the same eagle again sitting on a fence at the far east edge of the ranch. As I drove past it our eyes locked and its head turned and followed me as I drove past.

I have always loved the time of the year when the eagles migrate through the ranch. Both the bald and the golden eagles are often found in the spring circling above the cow pastures and there have been countless times when I have stood out in the field and admired them.

This however is not spring time and this eagle should not have been there in late December, early January. So I was aware that I better pay closer attention to him.

I spent a little time reading up on the spiritual meanings of a bald eagle.

They have excellent vision and are able to see what they need at a great distance and have the timing to know exactly when to swoop down after something. Ah yes, the reminder that I need to stay focused on my calling. To keep my eye on what I want.

They are one of the largest birds that can fly, not only can they fly but they fly high and free far up in the sky. Freedom. Like expanding your spirit and soaring. Ah yes, to remember to stretch my limits. To embrace the freedom of my spirit. To drop away fear and fly.

When you see an eagle you are challenged to delve deeper into your spiritual quest. To collect those thoughts and dreams and bring them into reality. Ah yes, to chase my dharma the same way that the eagle focuses in on its prey and remains focused until it catches it.

It was believed that the eagle could carry prayers to the Great Spirit, that it could balance between the spiritual world and the physical world. Ah yes, this balance I’m working so hard to create and maintain. The easy connection to the Spirit. To do this just by existing.

A freedom bird. Making an unexpected and unusual appearance at a time when I am seeking my spiritual freedom. Coincidence? I think not!

Standard