Tag Archives: single mom

happiness

Rain walls and the triangle

I met my old friend today and we went for a walk in the rain by the water. When I say old friend, I won’t just mean I’ve known her forever, I mean she’s older than I am. Much older. Two weeks older. Old. ( this upsets her so I’m putting it in a whole bunch).

I’m so grateful for that friendship

I am sitting on a plane flying back to the frozen tundra that is Calgary. I have no desire to be in the snow and -20C in April. But it’s home and it’s where I need to be.

At the airport our family triangle will he reunited as the boy arrives at the same time we do from his Iceland adventure. I can’t wait to lay eyes on him again, to hear his stories, to have us all together again.

I come back from this mini vacation feeling so relaxed and happy. I really needed this time to ground myself and to live in some happy memories of my parents and to make new ones with my girl. Life is good.

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Flowers and tea and friends

We made it to the Butchart Gardens today to take in some flowers and enjoy high tea. I used to love coming here with my parents when I was a kid and I love that I get to share it with my girl now.

this is what it’s like trying to take a selfie with a teen.

Then we went to supper with one of my oldest bestest friends. When we are together I still feel like a badass 15 year old even though we talk about how weird it is to be adulting now. Good friend are special and to be cherished. I’m so glad she’s in my life.

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Totem Poles and beach walks

It was another rainy day here, but the flowers are blooming and the blossoms are on the tree and I love this place so it didn’t matter.

I dragged the girl to the museum – I haven’t been to the museum in Victoria since I was a kid but I remember being fascinated by totem poles.

The girl is at that teenage age where nothing I do is cool so I am not sure how much she enjoined the afternoon, but I remembered why it is I have a history degree. I love this stuff.

I went for a solo walk along the beach by the hotel this evening. I really needed that quiet space to be with myself and with God. I am so glad we are here, but even the good memories now have sadness attached to them. It made me realize how much more mourning I have to do.

But even in the mourning there are silver linings. I’m here with my girl – and much as my parents gave me experiences that I cherish and that shaped me- I’m doing that for my kids now.

I had a 5 minute visit with one of my old time forever friends this afternoon – a longer one to follow tomorrow. I so appreciate and love all of the people in my tribe.

I love this place. I am so thankful for these spaces that ground me.

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Murchie’s, Munro’s, Memories

My soul was called back out to Sidney and I had to follow. The girl and I are spending a few days on Vancouver Island to be near the ocean, renew our souls, visit old memories, and make new ones.

This place has always felt like my second home, we spent so much time here when I was a kid. My parents had a house we all loved here for a few years, but before and after that we would come and stay in the exact same hotel the girl and I are in now.

There are memory imprints of us walking on the logs along the water with grandma, of Easter egg hunts in the courtyard, of lunch at Lunns, and of trips into Victoria.

Victoria for me always centers around the triangle of Murchie’s, Munro’s, and Roger’s – and today we hit all three of them. Mom used to spend hours in the bookstore gathering a new stash of reading material, and dad and my sister and I would run between the other stores.

I needed to touch base with some different family memories. Mom and Dad were never sick here, this place doesn’t hold divorce pain or death pain. It holds memories of us riding bikes, gathering seashells, and running free.

As I watched the girl pick shells in the rain while grinning from ear to ear, I remembered we are not only visiting old memories but making new ones.

Life does always go on. I need to hold onto these happy memories, remember when mom and dad were alive, when they weren’t sick, when life was easier. But I need to hold onto this moment when I’m here with my girl and we are alive and healthy. And I need to embrace the changes the future will bring.

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Surrender to happiness

I have learned so much about what happiness truly means for me since starting my blog over 3 years ago. I was seeking happiness in a very dark time in my life, looking for little glimmers of hope wherever I could find them. Most of my searching started on the outside – I’d see Henry The Heron on a walk and send a photo of him to my dad who would send me back a photo of the heron who lives here, I’d smile at someone at the grocery store and have them smile back, I’d read a book that brought me joy. It was very basic, simple, and really makes me realize how small and sad my life was then.

I’m focusing more now on happiness being an inside job. I’m learning how true happiness comes from my connection to the Divine and living my Dharma, my destiny, my passion.

Mostly I need to learn how to surrender.

I hate surrendering. I hate surrendering to other people, I even hate surrendering to God. Why do I need to control everything (especially when I know damn well I control nothing)? Genetics hahaha. No, seriously though – I know full well my life goes much better when I hand it over to God, but I still stubbornly hold on to the important things just in case He doesn’t do it right, or in case He forgets about me.

I’m reading a book right now called The Power of Surrender and I came across this passage in my reading today

To stay happy, remember that a positive inner focus shapes outer success… Surrendering to happiness means being grateful for what you have achieved, even if it’s just getting out of bed in the morning during trying times. Gratitude is an ecstatic feeling, a way to allow contentment in…. Surrendering to happiness also means letting everyday life delight you, giving thanks for the love that is around you, for your body, for your breath… Material success, as financially comfortable as it can make you, as pleasant as it can be, isn’t required for happiness. It won’t make you any happier than you would be otherwise in the long run. So part of success is being smart enough to know what can make you happy and going after that… (21-22).

When I filed for divorce I lost any (albeit false) sense of security I had created for myself. Mr X has been allowed to get $40,000 behind in payments and it has cost me more than that again in legal fees over the last 2 years. But what I have learned by losing everything I had was a) I have an awesome family and they scooped us up and have held us in love and gave us a home as I’m recreating life, and b) that my true happiness that comes from my connection to the Divine and that shines out in riding my horse, in my writing, in my relationships – all of that can’t be taken away – it’s who I am, not what I have.

This is why it’s so important for me to learn to surrender. To hand it over to the Divine, to choose love over fear, to embrace life, and to forgive.

Yes to forgive.

I’m working on that.

The more I forgive, the more I am able to connect to my own inner peace. And that is happiness.

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Being strong

The girl and I had a long discussion today about what it means to be strong.

I think both of us have realized that our definition of being strong has changed. It no longer means protecting ourselves – we are no longer living in danger or in crisis- rather it means being vulnerable and cracking our carefully guarded hearts open.

It’s a huge leap in healing for both of us. And we both naturally want to guard our hearts and protect ourselves.

I have learned this means I need to me authentically me – I can’t shape myself to make other people happy anymore. It’s ok to tell people what I want and let them do the same.

We have had to be tough and protected and strong for years. Now we have to be soft, and vulnerable, and loving, and embrace the strength that comes with that.

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That 70s show

The kids and I have slowly been watching That 70s Show on Netflix- but since the internet rolls over tomorrow we have been binge watching today.

As I’ve mentioned, it’s kind of a weird Easter for me this year. And I need to make it special for the girl – it is such a season of hope and new growth – but I also kind of just want to cry and miss what was.

It’s the great thing about having kids – they force me to look forward and keep the sun shining in our family.

And part of fake it until you make it is made easier by watching silly shows that make us laugh.

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Letting him fly

The boy took off with his school for what I’m sure will be an epic trip to Iceland. He has been so excited about this trip since my mom gifted it to him as an early graduation present last fall. On the way to the airport he kept saying how he felt that nana should still be alive because he needed to tell her all about his trip. It was a present he will remember forever and I’m so grateful she was able to gift it to him.

I’ve only heard wonderful things about Iceland and I hope he has a trip that he will talk about for years to come. It’s hard to believe this kiddo is almost an adult, but when I watched him head off with his school group there is no denying this is the case.

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Easter break

We are heading into our Easter break. It’s kind of bittersweet- I love Easter – I love the meaning of hope and new life and the promise from God it reminds us of. I also love my childhood memories of Easter. We always went to Vancouver Island when I was a kid and celebrated with the flowers, the ocean, and the cathedral. The kids and I were so lucky to have spent Easter there last year.

It’s kind of weird going into Easter this year without mom and dad. But life goes on, there is always the promise of new hope. We are in a season of change and I need to embrace it not resist it. New and wonderful things are trying to grow and it’s important I tend to my soul garden.

I think it’s important to hold onto some of those good memories, but it’s time to let go of the ones that hold me back. They can serve as the fertilizer for the new chapter of my life. I’m looking forward to it

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Youth Group

We were so fortunate that even before we moved back home my kids were involved in the church we now go to thanks to my cousin and her family. They have been faithful members of this church for years and the year before we moved back home both my kids were involved in VBS here when we came back for a visit.

This church swooped us up right from the beginning and gave us a safe place to land. First my son and now my daughter have joined the youth group and gained instant friends, as well as time with their cousins, to play, laugh, and deepen their relationships with God. They have become an important part of all of our lives and I’m so grateful we all have this as part of our spiritual tribe.

Kids are at youth, mama is home reading a book with a cup of tea enjoying the quiet with a cat curled up beside me. Life is good and the simple things are what bring us joy – it doesn’t cost a penny.

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