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44 days of happiness… starts now

Today is my birthday. The intention for this year is to follow my bliss, to be happy. To follow the path of least resistance by allowing good things to come into my life. What better way to kick it off than with 44 days of happiness? 44 days where I spend each day with the mindful intention of doing and finding things that make me happy. I got the idea from my daughter who seemed to turn turning 10 into a month long event, and also from a hight school friend who recently told me when she turned 40 she spent 40 days doing something special for herself.

So, these will be my 44 days of happiness. Or, the 44 days of Melissa.

Day 1 naturally was pretty easy since people always go out of their way to make sure that your birthday is a special day. But I also noticed I was happier in my soul today. I could feel it when I was out walking this morning. I felt it when I was working on my Ayurveda course. And I could feel it when I was hanging out with my kiddos.

The kids today get the credit for bringing a smile into my heart. They both made me a special card for my birthday. Jenna’s is here:

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The picture above is us holding hands under a rainbow. The poem below melted my heart:

I love you, I love you, I love you mommy

I love you, I love you, I love you so much

You’ve always been there for me

I am going to be there for you

i love you I (heart) you

so much mommy

happy 44 b-day

swoon. Takes my breath away to be loved so much. I love her that much too.

And from Jacob:

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He makes my heart so happy. I love them both so much and there has been no greater joy than being their mom.

To top it off, my Facebook feed was flooded with friends and family wishing me a happy day. I am so blessed that I have so many people in my life who are really good, decent, solid friends.

Happiness is off to a great start.

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Closing out 43

Tomorrow is the start of my new year. I know it’s more popular to make your new years resolutions for January 1 but since my birthday or “new year” is on the 26th I have found it makes more sense for me to focus on my intentions for the new year on that day. It’s not something I ever used to do, I preferred to wing it and focus on things as the desire hit me. But, when I turned 41 something inside me changed and I decided to make a concentrated effort to make who I am a better person.

41 was the year that I followed the philosophy “be the change you want to see in the world”. I decided that if I was going to live in a better world that the changes for the better had to begin with me. I started looking long and hard at how I was living and making changes that would make that life a better, happier and more balanced one.

42 was the year that I worked on “healing”. All the thought of the year before had made me realize how broken I was. I had stripped myself down to my core in the effort of rebuilding and that drained me completely. I started learning about Ayurveda, learning how to feed myself better, discovering the importance of a good nights sleep, learning to meditate. Learning to heal myself.

43 was the year that I worked on “strength”. I wasn’t healed yet, but I could feel inside that I was ready to get stronger. Right before my birthday I saw a picture of someone doing the dancer pose and decided that was something I wanted to be able to do myself. I worked on it all year. When I started (and I wish I had taken a picture) I couldn’t stand on one leg and pull my other leg up towards my bum to grab it with my hand. I had to use a yoga strap to pull that foot up. Tonight I had Jenna take a picture of my progress over the year:

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It’s huge progress. I’ll keep at it and post another picture next year.

44 will be the year of “my happiness” my happiness. Because I’ve learned that when I’m happy I spread happiness which makes the world a better place. I’m going to walk myself down my path of least resistance and consciously allow good things happen to me. Way too many times in my life I’ve had wonderful opportunities knock on my door and I’ve turned them down because I felt I didn’t deserve that kind of happiness. Now I feel not only do I deserve it, but it’s my duty to seek it out. We all deserve to follow our bliss.

My pose goal for the year is to be able to sit and stretch forward reaching my toes and have my body lie flat against my legs. I’ve never been able to do this. In junior high I used to do terribly at the flexibility toe touch. Although, while I’ve never been really flexible that way it did annoy me years later when I got married and we were comparing how we could touch toes. He could reach hands on the floor no problem. Then I realized that while he was taller than me his legs are 4 inches shorter. Which helped me let go a lot of the “I can’t touch my toes” insecurity of jr. high. I can touch my toes now. I love that yoga is noncompetitive – I need that.

Here’s my pose at the beginning of the year:

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I’m excited about this year. A whole year focused on happiness. I have a feeling that wonderful things are going to manifest this year.

~ namaste

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My heron, my river

My herons and my river have been a huge force in re-stabilizing my life here. The herons and I have an interesting relationship. I’ve noticed that they don’t pay a lot of attention to the other people on the path, but we seem to have a real attraction to each other. Maybe it’s because I’m one of the few people who actually stops and stares at them, but they really seem to notice me (even on days when I don’t stop and stare). I figure it’s fair enough if I’m staring at them for a while that they’ll get upset, squawk and fly away. But often they either fly right ahead of me and land on the riverbank or they pop up right beside me from the water’s edge and fly away.

Yesterday I walked by Henry Heron (yes, I’ve named them) and as soon as I got beside me he flew away. I was sure he was gone, but instead he flew about 30 feet upstream and landed on a rock right by the edge of the water in a prime heron watching spot. This picture was taken with my iphone, I was maybe 20 feet away.

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He stayed there the entire time I stood watching (and taking pictures). As I continued up the path I came across the second heron (Heidi Heron). She was standing right beside the water on my side of the river – usually they’re on the far side of the river away from the people. She flew downstream right beside Henry. Then they both turned and flew upstream past me. Henry stopped a little farther up and Heidi took off. I figured she was off fishing somewhere else for the day.

I continued on my walk and as I crossed a narrow bridge in an area where there are NEVER herons I saw this: (can you see her? she’s hiding in the top right part of the picture)

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A most unusual place for one of the herons to be. Dottie the Dotted Dog and I stood on the bridge for a long while and watched her march up and down the water.

So, what do these herons mean? They make a point of making sure I notice them when I’m out walking. Why are they so insistent that I see them?

On purely a personal level, for a long time they helped ground me and bind me to home. I’d take a picture of Henry or Heidi and text it home to my dad. He would go out on a walk and take a picture of the heron that lives on the slough near their house. It helped remind me that no matter how many miles apart we are, we are still bound together. They were my birds of un-homesickness.

Spiritually, herons remind us of self-reliance, self-determination and independence. They remind us to go with the flow of life (ha! a big one for me now following my path of least resistance). A lone hunter with the ability to stand steadily on it’s own (amazingly long) legs – a reminder that one does not need a large amount of support to have the ability to stand on one’s own.

The Heron symbolizes balance – the ability to be strong and secure on the ground yet fly with grace and ease in the sky. They will wait patiently by the water but when they see what they want they go after it with no quickly with no hesitation. They represent the need for solitude as well as the one to explore (which is a big part of my morning walk). Herons are able to walk into deep water with no fear knowing that they will remain balanced on their own two feet.

So, pretty much exactly what the goal of my river walks are – to ground me, to remind me that I can stand on my own two feet. To encourage my self-reliance, to know I can walk into the water and remain balanced.

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Emotional Age or Physical Age?

I’m turning 44 next week and while part of me says “Holy $h!t how can that be possible?”, there’s a deeper and calmer part of me that says “Bring it”.

When I was a teen I never thought I’d make it to 20. Not that I planned on dying, I just could not imagine myself being so old as to be 20. The worst possible thing would be happening. I would be an adult.

Well, I made it past 20 twice over (and a little bit). I still think the worst possible thing that could happen to me would to become an adult.

I had to go downtown in Calgary a couple of weeks ago to get my passport. It was cold out so we walked through the plus 15s to get to the Harry Hay’s building. While we were walking all the cool downtown businesspeople were out having their cool downtown business lunches. Some of them looked happy and excited to be there and some of them looked completely beaten down by life. What I thought as I walked past them was “Thank God this is not me. I would never be happy living this life down here. I’m so happy I chose a career path that keeps me out of an office.” I know people who have office jobs and love, love, love them. Me – not so much.

My kids have been known to say things like “We have to go to _________ and they said we need a responsible adult. You’re an adult mom, they don’t have to know you have the maturity of an 8 year old, try and see if you can pass it off.” And they say it with smiles on their faces. Because they have told me over and over how much better it is to have someone who loves to live life as their parent (they were around when I didn’t love to live life, so they know the difference).

It seems to me that once you’re in your 40s, unless you have cosmetic surgery (even then it only covers up so much), your face tells the world what kind of life you’ve lived. A lot of my peers look exhausted, run down and like most of the fun has been sucked from their lives. Others look happy and full of life (ojas) – they’re the ones the others talk about “how does she stay so happy and young looking?”

At our church we have “the candy man”. He’s an older man who sits up at the front of the church with a big bag of candy and passes out a piece to each child as they walk back from communion. Last week before church he walked up to me and gave me a tootsie roll, then as I was walking back from communion put his hand out to stop me and then gave me a whole handful of candy (I very inappropriately did a little happy dance in the aisle). I’d like to think he recognized that my inner child needed a little something sweet to get through the rest of service (I was the only adult to get candy). He’s also made me decide that in 50 years or so when I’m finally old I’m going to be “the candy lady”. In a church where so few of the kids know the “grandparent generation” he is loved and visited with by all of the kids.

I may still not be 100% sure what I’m going to be when I grow up. But I know what kind of life I want to live. I want to continue to be the mom singing along (badly) to Def Leppard at top volume while my kids cover their ears and yell “mom!!!!! aghhhhhh“. I want to continue to smile every day and wake up with the feeling of gratitude that the day ahead is going to be another wonderful day. Although my physical age may be increasing, I want my emotional age, my spiritual age, to remain at an age of happiness and joy.

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From FOMO to FOMA to Fearless

FOMO – or the Fear Of Missing Out – is a real condition and it runs strong in my family. So I come by it honestly.

I used to push myself to do things that I maybe didn’t really want to do because of FOMO. I would go places and do things that my inner being knew I didn’t really need to do because of FOMO. What if something fun happened and I wasn’t there?

Then I got brought to my knees by anxiety. Well, to be more accurate it kind of crept up on me until it finally had weakened me enough to bring me to my knees.

I had to reassess everything. What kind of life did I want to live, how did I want to live it?

I went from being a regular, quiet, introverted type, someone who was generally pretty happy with life, to someone who was so overridden with anxiety I was having a difficult time getting through basic daily activities. I ended up with FOMA – or Fear Of My Anxiety. I started being afraid of doing things because I was afraid it would give me anxiety. I wasn’t just not doing things that made me anxious – but living with a fear of things that could make me anxious.

Not a fun way to live.

One day I realized that if this was ever going to change I was going to have to deal with both FOMO and FOMA, and that I was going to have to deal with it myself. I was very aware that living 2,000 miles from my home and my emotional support system left me in a place where I was going to have to dig deep and figure this out myself. I had two little ones who needed me to be emotionally present for them and who I needed to give my emotional support to. They’re probably going to grow up and say “Gawd mom was such a mess”, but I’d prefer it wasn’t because of this issue.

I accepted that for me FOMA and FOMO were intertwined. I didn’t want to miss out on anything, sometimes I felt the need to be a part of the activities to make sure they ran properly (control – a fear based issue). It took me a while to realize that in the grand scheme of things *I* wasn’t that important. All those things would keep on happening whether or not I was there. Wouldn’t it be much nicer to pick and choose and participate in those activities that genuinely brought me happiness? To be present and focused in the activities I was involved in?

My cure for FOMO? The joking understanding that nothing fun happens if I’m not there anyway. I know this isn’t true, and that tons of fun things happen every second of every day that I don’t participate in. But, do I really need to be a part of everything?

Dealing with the FOMA? This took lots of time. I pretty much stopped everything and rebooted myself. I cocooned for a while and looked after myself. For the first time in my life I actually put myself and my needs first and really looked after myself. I began separating myself from people and activities that increased my anxiety (this was the most difficult and most important thing I did).  I looked long and hard at the things that had to get done and prioritized them. Knowing that I was not going to be doing everything but that the things I was doing were things that were important to me. Knowing that I wasn’t missing out on anything because the things that I was now doing were bringing me more happiness and more meaning.

Spending two months at home this past summer in a nurturing and caring environment helped boost me right over the top from where I felt I was dealing with my anxiety to where I felt like I was fearless of my anxiety. Amazing how a good dose of being grounded and loved and reminded of who you are at the core of your being will do that.

Since that I have been working on being Fearless. Before this would have meant that I did anything I was challenged to do no matter what my inner voice told me. That I never showed fear. That I was always brave That I met every challenge with little regard for my personal consequence. Now, being Fearless has an entirely different meaning. Fearless to me now means that I don’t have to live with that feeling like I’m not being true to myself. As long as I’m being true to who I really am I’m confident with my life and happy with my choices. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because I’m doing the things I really want to do. I’m living a more peaceful and blissful life. I’m not quite where I want to be yet, but at least I can see that I’m walking on the path. That makes me grateful with each breath I take.

There is another side to living with Anxiety. It is possible to get through it and move on to finding true happiness and joy. I feel more bliss now when I’m living in my sweet spot than I ever have before. This does not mean that there aren’t times when I feel anxious, or times when I’m sure I’m missing out on all kinds of fun. What it means is that I’m becoming more comfortable and relaxed in knowing that I’m on the path to freedom.

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A spiritual being having a human experience

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

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The last few days I’ve been doing different readings and this quote is showing up everywhere. Even randomly on my Facebook feed. My dad and I had a conversation somewhat along these lines over the holidays. It seems to be something that I really need to pay attention to.

I find it so easy to get hung up on being a human being. The physical experience. How does my body feel today. How does my body look. I walked along the river this morning and thought about the fact that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I felt my body resist this thought (whaaaat? No you’re not. Feel me, I’m here). And at the same time my spirit feel joy at this thought (thank you for finally noticing I’m here. When that body is gone I’m still going to be here, you know).

Being a spiritual being reminds me that we are all gifts from God (even those people who annoy me, I need to especially remember that those people are). We are all here with a Divine purpose and it’s our job to figure that out and live blissfully in it. Find our dharma and live it with joy.

Remembering that I am having a human experience reminds me that any struggles are temporary. This physical aspect is but one part of the entity that makes me me.

That little light that shines in all of us? That is our spiritual being. Shining with love and bliss and brilliance.

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Raise A Little Hell….

Back in the day I used to be quite the hell raiser (sorry mom and dad). I don’t even know what it was about me that made me want to be a hell raiser, but I was. I lived by my heart and my gut and reacted strongly from both. This led to both wonderful situations and very difficult situations being created. For the most part though, I can say I lived true to myself, honored my own spirit and generally believed I was doing the right thing for me.

Somewhere along the way (actually I know exactly where) I sold myself out. I made the conscious decision to not be a hell raiser anymore. I decided to take the safe route, to try and not upset people, to make what society considered smart decisions – and as a result, to give up on what I believed, desired and wanted, I gave up on my bliss.

Stupid move eh? It was made with the best of intentions at the time. I had no idea then the effect it would have on the rest of my life. Ironically, I don’t believe it made anyone else any happier that I stopped raising hell, and I certainly paid a hefty price for giving up on who I was.

So, here I sit at 43 having spent the past couple of years reflecting on how the choices I have made have led me to this moment in time. Some of those choices have been awesome and I would not trade them for anything, some of them I certainly would have taken the left path instead of the right had I been aware of where that path was going.

The point is though, that I am here at this moment and place in time and no amount of what-ifs will ever change that. And the moment and place in time that I’m in is a pretty good one.

However…

I have discovered that I have a little hell left to raise. I have discovered that a really good part of me was lost when I gave up raising hell. I have also discovered that I have mellowed with age and that the hell I want to raise is not as loud and as abrupt as the hell I raised in my youth.

I watch my children grow up and start to raise some of their own hell. I hope they never lose that spark that makes them *them*. I want them to raise their own sort of hell as they figure out who they are and how they are going to live in this world. I want them to follow their own paths (even if it’s not the path I would choose for them). THEIR own paths – the ones they were put on this planet to follow and only they know how they will get there.

And if they’re worthy of raising a little hell to follow their paths of least resistance, then I am too.

This morning I was listening to Raise A Little Hell by Trooper. These lyrics pretty much sum up exactly where I am right now:

If you don’t like what you got, why don’t you change it?
If your world is all screwed up, then rearrange it?

Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!

Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!

If you don’t like what you see, why don’t you fight it?
If you know there’s something wrong why don’t you right it?

Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!

Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!

In the end it comes down to your thinking
And there’s really nobody to blame
When it feels like your ship is sinking
And you’re too tired to play the game

Nobody’s going to help you
You’ve just gotta stand up alone
And dig in your heels and see how it feels
To Raise a little Hell of your own

In that last verse I realized that that is exactly where I am. For years I looked for someone to help me. Finally in the past couple of years I realized that in fact I just had to stand up alone, dig in my heels and see how it feels to raise a little hell of my own! And here I stand.

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Boxing Day

My favourite day of the year – Boxing Day. The day when we all lie around in our Jammie’s, visit, eat leftovers, and play with our toys. No stress involved anywhere in this day.

Pretty much all I managed to do today was shower, dress and drive into town to pick up my son.

In between these three things were visits, showings of bugs bunny with the kids and reading a book my dad put together for me.

Another Boxing Day to look back on with a smile.

Oh, and I started my day with this view:

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And ended it with this:

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Life is so good!

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The Path

We all have a path that we are on. As I’ve said recently I’m trying to now follow the path of least resistance. But even this new path is still part of the same path I’ve been following all my life.

If you had asked me 20 years ago where I would be on my life path, the future I had envisioned for myself then looked nothing like the reality of my future now. Even 10 years ago when I was getting ready to have baby number two and knew that we would soon be moving across the country I never thought that my life path would take all the twists and turns that it has.

I was thinking about paths yesterday as I was walking across the cattleguard into my parents’ yard. Now that is a path I can walk at 2 am in sheer ice (as I did early Saturday morning) with the same confidence that I know where I am going as I walked it as a toddler. As far back as I can remember I have memories of crossing that cattleguard. Running and jumping over it with Buster, noticing the day that my feet were big enough that I could walk over the boards and no longer had to balance on top of them, walking my horses around through the gate, driving over it with grandma and grandpa and my parents, finally being old enough to drive over it myself, helping my children walk over it, watching them run and jump it. That path into that house holds a lifetime of memories for me.

It’s a part of my path. And what I love so much is it is a part of the path for so many others whom I love. Grandparents, parents , sister, cousins, kids, horses, dogs, cats. Generations have walked that path and it holds memories for us all.

The warmth of having those loving ties is invaluable. My heart smiles when I walk that path and it embraces all the new experiences we are making, but it also smiles back on all the old memories that have already been made there.

There truly is no place like home. And I feel so blessed to be here ,

No matter where my path leads me (and I’m learning to let go and enjoy discovering where that may be), I always end up back here where my heart is

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My Source, My Balance, My Ayurveda…

I was doing some work for my Ayurveda class today and while daydreaming got to thinking about this blog and how it’s a blog about Ayurveda, but it may not always appear to be about Ayurveda. But in a very deep sense it is all about Ayurveda. One of the things that is stressed in my studies is connection to the Source. Without connecting yourself to Your True Self, and The Source; you will never be able to maintain a proper balance – which is vital for true health.

A lot of what I write about here is how I’m discovering my own connection to The Source. To awaking and opening My True Self, which lives inside me, and connecting to The Source which is everywhere. You can call The Source whatever you want (God, The Universe…) but I’m understanding that there is a urgent need within me to realign myself with The Source and with who-I-really-am. This alignment is the balance that we search for in our spiritual lives but also in our physical lives. This keeps us healthy in body, mind and soul. Ayurveda is a lifestyle of keeping your body and soul in balance for optimal health. Learning how to achieve that balance is quickly becoming my life’s work.

For most of my life I have believed that the only way to achieve things is to work hard. To get out there and *do* something to prove myself.  To suffer through things to get to the reward at the end. Lately I’ve been thinking…. what if that’s not the best way to go about things? Because all the hard work in the world isn’t going to bring freedom, happiness and peace if I haven’t followed my bliss, balanced my soul, connected to The Source.

What if, instead, the way to achieve the things I want in life is to stop and balance my soul?

Because I feel like I have spent years running like mad on a treadmill and not getting anywhere. Sweating, crying, swearing but not actually moving and missing a lot of the fun.

When I first started my studies I learned that pretty much any condition that a patient would come in for – anxiety, high blood pressure, blood clotting issues, weight gain/loss, you name it – one of the standard prescriptions is to include meditation twice daily into your lifestyle. I understood this on a basic level that it was a good thing to slow down and connect yourself to Source, but lately I’ve been understanding it on an entirely different level. If we aren’t connected and balanced we can’t enjoy good health. If we aren’t listening to that inner voice that guides us and tells us what our dharma, our bliss, our reason for being is then we aren’t in balance and can’t enjoy perfect health. Connecting to that Inner Self and aligning it with the Source, the Higher Power, is how we achieve balance, bliss, and health.

No amount of running around and fixing things on the outside is going to fix what’s broken on the inside.

My reading this morning pretty much summed up all of these thoughts that I’d been mulling over on my walk this morning (this is why my walks are so important). Here’s an excerpt:

The primary reason that people feel a shortage of time is because they are trying to get too much leverage out of their action. If you are unaware of the power of alignment and are making little or no effort at finding your personal alignment—if you are overwhelmed or angry or resentful or ornery, and from those emotional perspectives, you are then offering your action to try to accomplish things—you are very likely experiencing a severe shortage of time.

There simply is not enough action in the world to compensate for the misalignment of Energy, but when you care about how you feel and you tend to your vibrational balance first, then you experience what feels like a cooperative Universe that seems to open doors for you everywhere. The physical effort required of someone who is in alignment is a fraction of that required to someone who is not. The results experienced by someone who is in alignment are tremendous in comparison with the results experienced by someone who is not. If you are feeling a shortage of time or money, your best effort would be to focus upon better-feeling thoughts, to make long lists of positive aspects, to look for reasons to feel good, and to do more things that make you feel good when you do them. Taking the time to feel better, to find positive aspects, to align with who-you-really-are, will net you tremendous results and help you balance your time much more effectively.

Hicks, Esther; Hicks, Jerry (2008-08-12). Money, and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Wealth, Health, and Happiness (Kindle Locations 3585-3591). Hay House. Kindle Edition.

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There simply is not enough action in the world to compensate for the misalignment of Energy. These were powerful words to me. Because I can guarantee that I spent a massive amount of energy on action trying to compensate for the misalignment of Energy. And paid for it dearly. The good thing is that my body and soul are forgiving. I can feel now that I am coming into a better balance that I have more energy, I’m happier, I am accomplishing more but *doing* less. I am so thankful for that shift.

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