Tag Archives: death

happiness

Walk and talk

My walking time is sacred for me. When I started walking daily in Roanoke I was a total mess. Through my walks I began to find myself again. It put me back in touch with my spirit and with Source, or God. 

I took much of the winter off from walking this year. It was cold and then really icy, but a bigger problem was that where I wanted to walk was where I used to go with Dad. 

These past couple of weeks though I’ve been drawn back to the ridge. I can’t say it’s always been a joyful experience. In fact, a lot of the time I seem to stand where we scattered Dad’s ashes and cry. But I also talk to him. I tell him what’s going on, I ask him advice, I tell him how much I miss him. I sure could use him right now. 

It’s been very healing. Not only with continuing to move through my mourning, but to accept that this divorce is a good thing for me. I stand out on the ridge and let the wind blow all my emotions away. We’ve had some good chinook winds lately, so they’re blowing away at a good speed. 

To keep me balanced, I being my dog. She has no emotions to sort through, she just runs and feels joy. Seeing how intensely she enjoyed today’s walk was my happiness moment. 

  

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Stretch it out 

I woke up this morning and realized that it was time to deal with the fact that I’ve been ungrounded and out of sorts the past few days. 

Thank goodness for my Ayurvedic training. I’ve already been working at my sleep routines, but today I kicked it all up a notch. I cancelled other plans and put work to the side and spent the morning doing yoga, meditating, and going for a centring walk along the ridge with the dog 

This was the early morning view from the ridge. The moon had already gone to bed by the time I made it out there (this was yesterday morning’s photo)   
Because this was the walk I always did with dad, I stopped by where we had scattered some of his ashes and had a mini meltdown. I could feel him loving and guiding me as I gathered myself back together and carried on. 

As I was walking I was filled with gratitude that we are back in this place that is home – where we are safe and loved. 

My happiness moment was realizing that even in times of turmoil I have learned how to nurture and ground myself. Learning Ayurveda was one of the best things I’ve ever done. 

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Family is family wherever you are 

One of the great gifts Dad left us with last spring was reuniting us with his family. There’s a great distance between Alberta and Ontario, and even though we now have email and FaceTime and texting, it’s still not the same as the in-person stuff.

A few days before Dad died my aunts and uncles (his sisters) came out to see him. He actually ended up passing away as they were getting on their planes and heading home. Just in case there was any doubt that it was important for him to see them – he hung on just long enough. They pretty much got home and  then turned around to come back for the funeral.

But, the benefit of those intense visits was that it bonded us together in a tighter way than we had ever been before. Through all the grief of losing a brother, husband, father, and grandfather, we found our way together into a closer unit. I know Dad would be so happy about that. Family was so incredibly important to him.

This afternoon we had my cousin’s daughter (Dad’s great niece – his sister’s granddaughter) and her boyfriend come out for a visit. I think the last time I saw her she was about 4, and she’s 21 now. It’s been a long time. Yet she called us up because she was out here and wanted to see us. Family – there is that special bond.

It’s so weird because we know all the same people yet we didn’t know each other at all. However, because of that bond it was so easy and comfortable. She is a lovely young lady (good job parents!) and it was such a delight to get to know her a little bit better. A great happiness moment.

We went out for a little drive. I love seeing home through other people’s eyes. One thing I really noticed about her is how excited she is about life. She has so much energy and joy about what she’s doing and was so engaged in what was going on around her. That’s a great way to live.

we had to stop to see the deer

I love this church

I may have ended up in jail…

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Swan memories of Dad

I spent last night and most of today down for the count with a stomach virus. Not a lot of fun, but I’m grateful that I was able to rearrange life so I could take some time and get rid of it. This morning Jenna (who has the week off of school) came into my room, hopped under the covers of my bed, and snuggled up with me.

We talked about how when the kids were little and one of them was feeling sick they would pile in bed with me and we would cuddle until things were better again. There is nothing like a good snuggle with someone you love to make the rainbows come and brighten things up.

While we were lying there, my cousin texted me that the swans were back on the lake by their cabin. When I see swans I think of spring and of my Dad. He was always so excited to see them come – because it meant the end of winter and because it meant he could take some great photos. It’s hard to believe we are looking at another spring coming, which will mean he will have been gone for a year soon. What a year this has been!

I thought the girl snuggles were going to be my happiness moment, but the text about swans left me with Dad on my mind all day today. Jenna and I were driving into town so she could have a sleepover at her Grandma’s and she started talking about my Dad and some of her memories of him. It was a beautiful moment to share as she laughed about how he would flip her on her raft at the creek, and how he took her out for wildflower walks (my dad knew the names of all the flowers and very patiently spent years teaching us about them. Later on he began taking breathtaking photos of the flowers). Naturally I started to cry, but it was so wonderful to share those loving memories with my girl. I’m so glad she has these to hold in her heart. Dad loved his grandkids (and his whole family) so much, he worked really hard to make a lasting impression on us all – and succeeded.

These photos of the swans near our place are ones Dad took  3 and 4 years ago. He loved being out there with his camera!

  
The happiness moment today was sharing fond memories of my Dad. I miss him so much there is an ache in my heart, but I am so thankful for his presence in my life. Soon the swans will be here too and I will be out with the kids and my Mom watching them and thinking about our memories of my Dad.

And just in case I forgot how much I love being back home, God put on an amazing show this morning:

The view from our front yard this morning. 


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Love pays it forward

I knew I should have waited until the end of the day to write my happiness moment. But I was trying to be all productive when I wrote it earlier this afternoon. 

I reflected on what I wrote as I drove into town to get Jenna from school. I thought about the lessons my Dad taught me as he was dying last spring. High among them was how he managed to not complain (huge for me, I discovered during that time that I complain about everything), and walk bravely into something that was both unavoidable and that scared him deeply. His courage, his dignity, and his grace during that time of uncertainty for him was a huge life lesson to me.

I understood that these are qualities that I need to live by now. I need to be gracious and kind during a time that fills me with fear and uncertainty.

Moving ahead with that, Jenna and I went to the grocery store to get buns for “hamburger night” (she has been craving a good burger for a while now). When we walked into the store she turned to me and said it bothers me that I can’t buy you a Valentine’s present mom. Can I borrow $5 from you? I’ll pay you back with my tooth fairy money. But, I really want to get you something. You do so much for us and I love you. Remembering that the kids expressed to me that they felt badly that they had not got me a birthday gift last month (usually I just buy something that I want and put their name on it and they give it to me. I didn’t have the energy this year and I felt badly when I realized that it had upset them), I handed Jenna over $5 and sent her on her way.

But not before I pulled her in for a big hug. Her one simple act of innocent kindness changed my entire perspective on the day. It reminded me of how very important it is to show love whenever it is possible. No act is too small.

With that warm feeling in my heart I walked by a bouquet of sunflowers mixed in with the other Valentine flowers. Dad’s flowers. I bought them and we brought them home for mom. Because the best part of love is that it needs to be shared with everyone around you. I wrapped up Jenna’s  feelings of love shared with me and passed them on. That is how you do a happiness moment!!!

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Simple things 

Today my happiness was  found doing simple things. It was another beautiful day, I love these bright sunny days that have no wind. I went out for a walk along the ridge – so no wind was essential for an enjoyable time. This was where Dad would go for his walks whenever he could, and where we scattered some of his ashes. I can see why he loved it so much, it’s beautiful. I used to love riding along the creek below, so it had an extra boost of happiness as I remembered the freedom I felt spending hours wandering around with Pirate.

I stood at the spot where we scattered his ashes and cried for a while. I’m not really sure why. So much emotion has been stored up inside. Sadness over Dad, sadness over a lot of things I’ve had stuck inside of me for a long time that I’m finally learning to let go of. I’m starting to realize that I need to feel those feelings and acknowledge them in order to let them leave.  Then I had to giggle a little bit when I thought of how lucky I was that it was warm out. If it had been cold and windy all those tears would have stuck to my face, then I really would have had something to cry about.

I came back in the yard and went over to the hill where the girls were sledding. That brought lots of laughter back into my heart. There’s something about being around people who are really enjoying life that makes me feel the same way. The happiness overpowers the sad all the time.

As an added happiness moment, Jenna is still healthy and happy after her long cough. Saturday night she slept 15 hours and last night 14 hours. I am so grateful she had the time to slow down and spend time healing her body – and then time to get outside and enjoy life!

 

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Just keep swimming, just keep swimming 

It is almost impossible for me to wrap my mind (forget my heart) around the fact that Dad has been gone for 6 months today. I can convince myself for a while that he’s gone away on a trip or something, because usually over the last 10 years at least 6 months would go by without us seeing him. But, it’s harder to keep deluding myself now that we are home and he’s not here. His absence is felt so deeply I can feel it deep in my soul, as can the rest of the family.

Little things come up… like I was thinking about the fact that when we go get our Christmas tree (a big production here), that I will be the adult who has to do stuff now. Dad would normally do most of the gross hard work of getting up the tree and we would help and decorate. There were thousands of little things that he did for us, quietly and without fuss, that we are just now realizing weren’t done by magic.

But, we keep moving ahead. That’s all we can do. Dad was so full of life and loved doing jumping into activities, so the best way to honour him is to keep on swimming – Just like Dori.

My sister and her kids are down this weekend and we’ve had some Christmas cheer injected into our lives with songs and gingerbread houses. I know it makes Dad happy to see us all gathering together and having fun.

One of the gifts Dad gave me in the last months before he died was the desire to dig deeper into finding and following my spiritual path. He used to talk to me a lot about how important it was for him to work on his spirituality and to connect with God in the most intimate way possible. He may not have been ready to leave us all here, but I think as the time got closer he was ready to move on and be with his Maker. He taught me a lot about giving love and having faith. At the end of the day those are the things that matter, not the superficial stuff that is so easy to focus on.

Here’s a couple of photos of my Dad from a few years ago doing what he did best – playing and laughing with his grandkids. I have a childhood full of memories of him taking us out riding, skating, cross country skiing, hiking, and flower walking. To be able to engage fully in an activity that brings joy to everyone involved is a real gift.

I love you always Dad, thank you for everything.

Life in a bubble…

My happiness moment was sitting at the table in my mom’s kitchen with her, my kids, my sister, and her kids; while we decorated gingerbread houses. We need each other, for good times and sad times. It’s just better to be part of a tribe.

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Happy birthday Dad 

Today would have been Dad’s 75th birthday. I haven’t been home to celebrate a birthday with him since he turned 64, and now that I’m here, he’s not. Sigh. Because we celebrated the last 10 birthdays with him over the phone or on Facetime, I wasn’t sure how acutely I would feel him missing here today – that is anymore than any other day. Sometimes my brain convinces my heart that he’s just gone on a trip for a while and I’ll be seeing him soon. Denial, it’s a difficult cloak of protection.

Turns out I miss him quite a lot.

Dad loved going for walks. He was always trying to get someone to go outside and do something with him – walking, skiing, swimming – he just wanted to be outside. Today I wanted to honour his memory by walking along the ridge by our house – one of his favourite places to be. It’s actually one of the spots where we scattered his ashes, and a place where I haven’t been strong enough to walk along since.

Today I knew I needed to walk there. To go to the place that Dad loved so much and where he found so much peace.

I stood at the spot where we had scattered his ashes. I cried for a long time. Thank goodness it’s a beautiful, warm November day or my tears would have frozen on my face and that would have made a sad situation an awkward one as well. I stood and cried and looked out at the view and just let all my emotions flow. It was both really hard and really easy. I had a lot of clarity come to me in those minutes I stood there thanking Dad for all that he had given to me.

Dad was always so good about making sure that I knew that he loved me no matter what. I never had to worry that I would ever do something that would make his love for me falter in any way. As I go through life and realize that so much of what is called love is conditional it gives me an even greater appreciation for this pure and true emotion of love. What a gift to have, what a gift to give.

I stood there and thanked God for the beautiful place we live in. Dad wanted to spend eternity in the spots he loved so deeply and being there brought me such peace and comfort.

the view along the ridge where we scattered the ashes

I walked for a while with my Dotted Dog and her Naughty Puppy Friend before getting a text from Jacob that he was on his way. He walked up and joined us and we walked the rest of the ridge together.

It was so calm and warm. It felt beautiful to have the sun shine its healing rays on us while we walked and laughed over memories of Dad. The kids miss him so deeply, he was such an important force in their lives. 

Last year at Christmas Dad and I walked the ridge and for some reason decided to stop and take our first ever (and what ended up being our only) selfie. It was the last walk I took with Dad, even though I didn’t know that at the time. We had such a deep, spiritual conversation – I’m so thankful we had the time for those kinds of moments.

omg it was so cold that day

Jacob and I stopped at the same place today and took our own selfie in memory of Dad. I think he would have really liked that we were out there together remembering him. 

After I was back home, I was sitting at the table with Jenna talking about Dad. She leaned over and petted my arm and said “I bet you really miss him today”. Then she said “If it makes you feel any better, while you were out on your walk I went up to my bedroom and sang him happy birthday” and then she burst into tears. So, we sat at the table and cried for a little while. Then we found a video that she and I had made last year on his birthday wishing him a happy day. We cried some more. We did manage to keep talking through our memories until we found some that made us feel better. There are lots of good memories.

I’m pretty lucky because I had a Dad who loved life and loved to pull us into it at full force. Even when I’m sure he wasn’t interested in what I was doing he was always there to listen to me and to talk about things or to watch me do things (the hours that man spent at the side of a riding ring watching me go round and round on my horse. Both my parents spent ages in the heat or (usually) the cold watching me ride).

I work hard at continuing to walk through my grief. I miss him like crazy, but I know he would want us to jump into life with everything we have, without fear. I don’t want to deaden my emotions, I want to feel them deeply and breathe through the tough ones. If I don’t feel the sad emotions, I also won’t feel the joyful emotions. I am on this happiness journey and Dad has been a big part of that. I find happiness in new experiences and I find happiness in memories. As proof of that, my happiness moment today included remembering all the love and fun times shared with Dad, and also experiencing fun times with Jacob (and those crazy dogs) on our walk. There is more tearful happiness to come tonight as my sister and her family join us for a family supper at home.

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The door to heaven 

Jacob has been struggling with his relationship with God lately. I think it’s partly his age, partly the grief of losing his grandpa, and partly learning religion in his Catholic school when he’s been raised Anglican/Lutheran. 

Yesterday we stood in the parking lot of Save On, looking at the sunset, and talking about it looking like the door to heaven opening. On the way home I had my own personal confirmation from the heavens that I was on the right path. Little did I know last night when I went to sleep that our sunset miracles were far from finished. 

Jacob woke up this morning as bright eyed as he’s been in ages. He told me that he hadn’t prayed in a long time, but before he went to sleep he had prayed for two things. He prayed to be able to talk to his grandpa one more time, and he prayed for proof that God was real. 

He said last night he had a dream that he walked over to my parents’ house and my dad was waiting there for him. They hugged and then Jacob asked his grandpa a bunch of questions about how he was doing, what it was like and other things. This alone makes me happy as my dad came to me once in a dream not too long after he died, and all I did was yell at him that if he could appear in a dream I wanted him back in real life. 

I’ve  had Jacob tell me the whole story several times today and every time it’s the same thing with the same small details. Like how God has a calm and gentle voice that makes everyone who hears him lose all their stress and worry. Or how his grandpa lives in a house exactly like his old one here and he still sees all the alive people in the house. 

There was a lot more, Jacob walked around the house with grandpa who explained to him how he was able to be there and not be there at the same time. He talked to him about heaven and about God. Jacob is in the process of writing all this down and I will let him tell his story in it’s entirety when he’s finished. 

On the way into school Jacob was once again telling me  his dream and he said I had my prayers answered.  I got to talk to grandpa again, and I now know for absolute certainty that God is real. 

  

What a miracle. I’m still processing it all. 

My happiness moment was watching The Book of Life this evening with the kids. We didn’t know what it was about, but it actually tied in nicely with Jacobs dream and celebrating the memory of those who have passed on. The kids both really enjoyed it, and I love hearing those belly laughs. 

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Cameras, Swans, and Dad

My sister and I spent part of the weekend dividing up Dad’s cameras. It’s something I know he would want us to do, but a very difficult thing nonetheless. Dad loved taking pictures, and he loved sharing them with his loved ones. We know that he would want us to keep on taking pictures and capturing family memories.

I was fiddling with my camera this afternoon and noticed that there were still photos Dad had taken left on the memory card. It seems he took them this time of the year (or maybe it was early spring) because the swans were on the slough just like they are now.

He has some amazing swan photos, the ones on my camera aren’t some of his best work. But, it was both my happiness moment, and a  sadness moment to open them up and take a look.

I have lots of memories in my head that I will take with me forever of Dad and of our family unit. However, having these tangible memories he made for us helps my heart heal a little bit more. It reminds me to get out and look at the swans, to go out walking, to admire the mountains and the barn, to jump into life every chance I get.

I’m noticing the farther I’m getting into my days of happiness the more that happiness is truly becoming part of my life. I still look for my moment each day, but I’m getting happier and happier all the time. Happiness in the core of my being is becoming more a way of life and I’m so grateful for that.

a couple of Dad’s photos

DSC_2617 DSC_2594

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