I was feeling a lot of anxiety and like I was totally overwhelmed today. There’s a lob going on, a lot that has gone on.
I decided instead of pushing thorough I’d reset myself instead – so I grabbed a book and sat in grandma’s kitchen and read for an hour or so. It’s amazing how that small act brought peace and balance back to my soul.
I love that kitchen
I feel like in the last three years God has just kicked the shit out of my life. All the earthly foundations I had come to depend upon have been shattered with the deaths of my parents and a financially ruining divorce. But you know, maybe I needed my foundation to be destroyed so that I could build a new life from the ground up.
The thing about starting from 0 means that I get to recreate my life. I get to stop and think about who I really want to be for this next part of my life.
My experiences with my parents really helped me understand I need to strengthen my spiritual connection and that has become my mission.
I’m discovering that while most of the pain inflicted on me and the kids wasn’t my fault (and for a long time I believed him when he said it was), it’s my responsibility to heal from it. That has totally changed my perspective on things.
It helps me step out of being a victim, and into a role where I can actually make a change – not only for me but for the kids too.
I can’t change him, I don’t want to, and I don’t have to. But I have to change myself. I have to keep working at living from love instead of living from fear.
I am sitting in a sunbeam watching my boy play soccer – this is a new sport for him this year – contemplating my life.
When I started this happiness blog over 3 years ago, I was so completely unhappy. I was living in an unsafe marriage, scared for myself and my kids, thousands of miles from home, with no idea what was coming next.
Now the only part of my life that is the same is I don’t have any idea what is coming next.
I have however realized I have refined my search for happiness quite significantly.
I started by looking for happiness from the outside. I’d see Henry the Heron on a walk, the kids would say something funny, I’d visit with a friend, and I’d say that makes me happy. And that would be my happiness moment.
With the deaths of both my parents and a brutal divorce in these last three years, my concept of happiness has changed. I started to go inward and really began to understand happiness comes from within.
Since mom died and for the first time in years I’m not in crisis and trauma, I’ve realized I’m no longer seeking happiness as I first understood it.
Now I’m seeking peace.
Instead of fleeting moments of happiness here and there, I crave a life that is grounded in love, peace, bliss, and faith.
Seeking peace right now means I have to close the parts of my life that cause chaos. It means I have to embrace love no matter how scary that can be. I have to find forgiveness no matter how much I resist it.
The study of Ho’oponopono is helping me surrender and allow more peace into my life. Simple words, powerful results.
Namaste 🙏🏻
It was the first ball game of the season, and temperatures hit at least 28C today – so it felt like winter has finally left us behind
Now, we have a high of 7 and snow in the forecast for tomorrow, but we won’t talk of that now.
It felt so good to sit in the sun, to watch my girl do what she loves.
I had to take the train downtown this morning. I wasn’t super excited about this – it wasn’t a fun errand, it was downtown, and there was a parade for comic con happening. But I put on a smile and went.
It actually wasn’t bad at all. The people I had to meet were super helpful and I got everything done quickly and painlessly.
As I was riding the train back home the driver came on and had this wonderful chat with all of us passengers. He told us how nice out it was, that it should be even nicer tomorrow, and wished us all a fantastic weekend
Again, these little moments of kindness brighten other peoples’ days. Most of the passengers had little smiles as the driver was chatting away. It’s nice to see people drop the stress of life and enjoy the moment. It’s happiness
I had the most lovely email today from my aunt. I always appreciate the words of love and support, even more lately when I feel like I’m overwhelmed by life so often. She ended her email by saying that I was doing a great job with my kids and that my (other) uncle and aunt keep bragging about them.
I felt my heart warm with the words, and then I went and read them to my son. He too has been kind of blue lately and it was amazing to see how these words changed his mood. Several times during the day he mentioned how thrilled he was that his aunts and uncles are saying great things about him. He even said it means more coming from other people in the family – you’re always telling me how wonderful I am, but let’s face it – you’ve got mom goggles. These people must really mean it.
It made me remember how important it is to pass on little words of kindness. I sure appreciated my aunt sending me that love – it brightened my whole day.
Life has been kind of hard lately. I feel like I should be healing from mom’s death – but in fact it seems like it’s getting harder and harder to accept. Maybe it’s because we are in the process of going through her things. Maybe it’s because there has been so much loss the last few years. Maybe it’s because it just takes more time.
I was sitting today on the couch doing some work when little Abu came and sat beside me. Once again I was faced with the fork in the road of love and fear.
We often refer to Abu as our therapy cat – I swear her only purpose in life is to exude love. She knows when we need her and she just comes and sits beside whomever is needing some love and just is. And soon we feel better – like magic.
On the other side, I was preparing some documents. It seems that the paternity of my children is being brought into question. I don’t know if it’s driven by Mr. X or his lawyer – but it’s certainly a financial thing. It’s hurtful, but it’s a fear tactic- I know that I wasn’t the one stepping out.
So I sat there – Abu beside me – feeling upset.
And I closed the computer and cuddled with the love cat and then did some inspirational reading.
Love has to be the choice. Always.
Abu cuddling her brother Aladdin.
Our 4H club had a potluck supper/planning meeting tonight for 4H on parade. The more I get involved 4H the more I like it – and our club is a real community which makes it so much better.
After an emotional couple of days of sorting out mom and dads things it was really nice and really needed to have an evening where people were laughing and just being normal. I really needed that balance. I say it all the time – but thank God for my tribe. I don’t know what I’d do without them.
I was thinking this morning how I’m between two paths right now. I can turn right and be on the path of fear, destruction, and hate that Mr. X is on, or I can turn left and take the path with love, peace, friendship, and happiness.
I’ve been working on the left path for some time now, but sometimes Mr X yells and I get distracted by the path of darkness.
Somehow I have to balance the two. Based on discussions and recent events it seems I’ll have to take him back to court again for support issues. It is getting old and it’s frustrating, but my kids deserve to have me fight for them. It’s really difficult for them to see how he is choosing to be
But more than that I want us to be happy and at peace. So I need to walk in the path of light. And I need to bring the kids with me on that path. They need to know that they can choose happiness even when they have been badly hurt.
It hasn’t been easy. It took years before I could even see that there was a path of happiness available for me, everything was so dark for so long.
Somehow I will learn how to not only walk in the light, but to bring light to the darkness. Once I can do that the darkness will be gone.
When I picked up the boy from school today he told me his friends have commented to him that I always look so chill and happy when I pull into the parking lot after school to get him. Made my whole day. I often feel seeing out and like I have no idea what I’m doing. But I’m glad that’s the vibe I give off!
The boy and I both found ourselves up much too early, sitting on the couch, drinking our tea and coffee.
Somehow we ended up in a conversation about the meaning of Jesus (as one usually does with their teenage boy at 6:30 am).
I said to him that my Ayurvedic practitioner Asrael had explained Jesus to me in a way that had made so much sense.
She said sometimes as humans we get overwhelmed by God. Our humanness stops us from praying or talking to him in the way we need to. This is where Jesus comes in. He is like our human/spiritual liaison and it often is easier to approach Him in prayer. Because he is human like us our brains can better understand the concept of Jesus. But because he is also of God, he is our tangible connection to Source. He is a reminder that we are all children of God.
I told the boy that until I had heard her explain Jesus like this I had never really understood the point of Jesus. And I’ve been going to church my whole life.
He agreed with me that suddenly the concept of Jesus made a lot more sense. This kid has a strong spiritual connection. I love it.
