Tonight we went to a family birthday party – called the 250 party because the ages of the three men being celebrated adds up to 250 years.
I was thinking this evening how lucky we are that we have such amazing men in our family. My whole family is such a blessing and I would be lost without my tribe. It was a fun happiness moment of celebrating birthdays and laughing and just being in the fold of the family.
What a year this has been. Life is so completely different from where I was at a year ago today.
A year ago Dad moved to the hospice on what would turn out to be his last day. Being there as he left home was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I both knew we were losing him and couldn’t imagine what life would be like without him at the same time.
I still have moments where I feel something is wrong and run through what’s going on just to remember that he’s gone. I’ve needed him so much this last year, and yet his departure on his next spiritual journey was what guided me into mine.
This is one of my favorite photos that Dad took. There is beauty everywhere.
My happiness moment was a quiet day reflecting and studying, balanced by taking kids out for their Friday evening activities. Those quiet days are few and far between.
For the past week or so I’ve been waking up with nightmares. I often am a restless sleeper, but these nightmares were something completely new. I’m sure it’s because we are closing in on the anniversary of Dad’s death. I’m realizing how many emotions are still sitting there waiting to be processed and acknowledged. Last night I finally made it through the night without any bad dreams and I hope that means I’m heading for sweeter dreams. I know Dad wouldn’t want me being upset like this, and I also firmly believe he’s wrapped in the arms of God. And yet those dreams…
I came across one of his photos which made my heart fill with memories of him. He loved it when the swans would migrate through.
The way I feel now it’s hard for me to believe where I was when I started this journey towards a happier life a few years ago. I was left so broken I didn’t think I’d ever be able to repair myself. Yet with years of work and prayer and love, here I am feeling almost whole. I give thanks for that every day.
Today I had a wonderful happiness moment. I met a friend and we spent the afternoon walking along the river. It really was chicken soup for my soul – exactly what I needed.
Last year as we began palliative care with Dad, I went to the store and bought matching Coke shirts for him and Jacob. They were always such a tight team those two, and were delighted to have the same outfit (with matching PJ bottoms).
I was folding laundry this afternoon and pulled one of the Coke shirts out of the basket to fold. I haven’t seen it in almost a year – I assume it was too painful for Jacob to wear. I was so happy to see it out now. We all seem to be walking into this week with smiles and sorrow.
Some of the smiles come from remembering my aunts and uncles (his sisters and brothers in law), who along with one of my cousins made the trek out here to see him in his last days.
Sad as it was, we had so much fun with them. Jacob was so delighted to find out the family gift is really a thing and that it is something to be laughed about. He still talks about that discovery regularly. He takes pride in developing his abilities.
The love that was sent to my dad (and us) from family near and far was amazing. It reconnected me with cousins, we shared stories and enjoyed that deep connection that blood brings no matter where you are.
In a bittersweet happiness moment I sat with that Coke shirt and remembered how much my Dad loved Jacob.
This is another one of Dad’s photos. Taken along a road that he and Mom used to walk often.
I had a good friend remind me today that love never ends. Just because someone is gone does not mean we stop loving them. I remember thinking a year ago at this time as we watched Dad start to slip away that I was so grateful for unconditional love. I knew that not only did I have it here, but that once he was gone that love would stay.
I feel so frustrated sometimes, so much has happened this year. I’ve had all these spiritual challenges and miracles happen and it’s all the kind of thing I would have talked with him about as we walked the ridge. I still go outside and talk away, andI know he’s listening because I can feel him with me, and God keeps opening doors that I’ve thought were locked. But still. I’d sure love a face to face chat.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life as I have this past year, or sworn, or given thanks. I know for sure it has left me so grateful for where I am and the direction I’m heading.
This is another one of Dad’s photos. I can imagine him sitting out in a field of bluebells.
We had snow this morning. Gotta love Alberta – Mother Nature does what she wants. I had to send the kids out to beat snow off of our precious lilac bush. My happiness moment was warching them stand under the trees and beat the snow. Of course it all landed on them which lead to much laughing and shouting.
The closer we get to the first anniversary of dad’s passing the more I feel all these emotions coming up. I think there was a lot about the last couple of weeks of his life that I wasn’t able to process. There was so much going on, we were so in the moment and also fearing the moment at the same time. I still can’t believe it’s been almost a year.
For the first time since he died, today I sat at the computer and went through some of his “best of” photos. Dad was an amazing photographer and looking at the memories he left for us made me cry and feel joy at the same time. It wasn’t long before one by one, everyone in the house joined me in an impromptu memorial. We talked about dad, shared memories, shared feelings, laughed at old stories, discussed what a talented photographer he was, and honoured his presence in our lives.
I’m so grateful we have each other to work through this with. There were many tears today, and I’m sure there will be many more over the next couple of weeks. But I am so grateful he was my dad and that he was such a good dad.
This is one of his photos of a place where he loved to walk. We went up and down this path countless times together. Some of his ashes are now scattered here so he can always be close to one of his beloved spots.
Two happiness moments today. The big, spiritual one was quiet time shared with my mom and sister as we talked about dad.
The other one was a crazy, messed up game of Twister after supper.
I am so thankful for my tribe.
We got back at the search for our family church this morning and went to the Anglican Church in Cochrane. We had a wonderful and warm greeting from members of the congregation as we walked in. I really enjoyed the service and yet as we were going through it I kept feeling like something was missing. One of the hymns we sang made me think of Dad and of course my eyes started leaking (I would like to make it through one church service without crying – it’s been almost a year). As I was trying to quietly wipe my eyes before anyone noticed I realized what it was that was missing.
Being in an Anglican service was like comfort food for my soul. I knew the liturgy, the hymns were all so familiar, even the non stop aerobic workout as we stood and sat was second nature. It was grounding and peaceful and made me feel like I belonged. Except for one thing… it wasn’t my church (although there was no reason for it not to be -these people were lovely and so welcoming).
I’ve been pretty focused on finding a church in Cochrane. I want it to be our hometown and the centre of our lives. But, I realized that maybe what I need at this point of my life is the familiarity of my home church – the one I grew up in. I crave comfort food for my soul. So, instead of trying to recreate it elsewhere, why not go back to the building and the community that gave it to me in the first place? As I was pondering this, the priest started his sermon which was all about making sure that you find time to fill your spiritual needs.
When we left the service I asked the kids how they felt about it. Without sharing any of my feelings about returning to the family church, I said that I had really enjoyed the hymns and Jenna said because they remind you of your old church and that makes you feel at home and safe. Wise words from a child. Jacob then asked why aren’t we just going back to the church where we were baptized and where Grandpa’s funeral was? It’s our family church and where all our big events have happened? (my sister and I were both married in that church as well). I love how intuitive they are as to what will help fill our spiritual needs.
My happiness moment today was the realization that we really need comfort food for our souls and that will allow us to shine our lights a little more brightly into the world.
I had some unexpected alone time with the boy this afternoon. Between school and our (un)family situation he’s been under a lot of stress lately. Today though, he was back to his regular happy self. I love that version of him.
While we were driving into town he grabbed my phone and started typing everything he wanted to say into google translate. So, every time I’d ask him something Siri would answer. It was kind of like talking to a ventriloquist holding a dummy. The answers he gave were off the wall funny and completely unexpected. He had me laughing so hard my sides hurt.
It’s been a tough few months, or a tough year, actually it’s been a really hard last few years. It is so nice that we are getting to a place where we feel the freedom to start to laugh and enjoy life more often.
It was a great happiness moment today, belly laughing with the boy as he cracked jokes.
We have so much to be thankful for. Even though I’m still asking God, I find myself thanking God more and more often.
If you read my blog on a regular basis you’ll know that I am grateful every day that we are back home around our tribe in the place that we love most.
There’s something about being here that is calming to my soul. Most mornings while we are driving into school we are able to look west and enjoy the mountain view. The kids get as excited as I do about how clearly we can see them and how lucky we are that this is our life.
As a child I spent hours out here, usually on the back of my horse, appreciating God’s artwork. I didn’t know it at the time but I was doing an active meditation and communicating directly with my Source.
Now not only do I have the opportunity to do that again, but I have the joy of experiencing it with my kids.
Being able to appreciate the beauty that is around us really helps me to put things in perspective. The material things we have lost can always be replaced. But the joy I experience from living a life I love is priceless.
My happiness moment today was admiring God’s artwork with Jacob as we drove into town. We are blessed. This life of happiness and love we are attracting gets brighter every day.
The farther I walk on this spiritual path the more I believe that choosing happiness and love is truly the most sustainable way for me to live my life. Not that there aren’t days that I want to just lie in bed and watch Netflix, but mostly I want to be out celebrating the fact that I am alive. It wasn’t always like this, in fact it’s taken years of dedication to get to this point. I’ve had to reestablish my spiritual connection, shift a lot of my personal connections, and deepen and strengthen my connection within myself. Fortunately my life now is completely unrecognizable from the one that I was living just 2 years ago.
Even with all the bumps along the road I go to bed every night knowing that I’m closer to being the better version of myself that I’m striving to be. It certainly has not happened all on my own power either. I have this awesome tribe of people here who lift me up every day. My kids inspire me to keep reaching for greatness, and our mixed up pets teach us all what unconditional love really means. And of course the gentle hand of God has picked me up and carried me through it all – even when I’ve been swearing and dragging my heels.
Every time I ask for help I keep hearing you’re on the right path. And even though I get really impatient and want more of the path to be illuminated I know that what I’m hearing is true. I know I’m on the right path because I can feel it in my soul. I see it reflected in the kids’ eyes, I hear it in their laughter – we are moving forward in love.
My happiness moment today was listening to the kids talk to each other (when they thought I wasn’t around) about how much they love living in this house. I love seeing the quiet moments when they play together. They are such good friends and they are blessed to have that strong bond.
Today I was reminded of the inukshuk that I saw in the sky last year – a reminder that “you are on the right path” A message from Dad, a message from God.
