Tag Archives: family

happiness

Another new normal

We had a family meal at the house tonight – moving into another new normal now that mom is gone. That house needs laughter and family in it, to me that is what our home is all about – a gathering place for our tribe. It was good to feel life in it again – good to have people who love us and love that old house together. We need to continue to build memories here, we need to continue coming together.

I spent some time this afternoon in gratitude for the tribe, for the family we have here. The kids and I are so blessed to be surrounded by these people who love us – whenever I feel like we are so alone all I have to do is look outside and see imprints of generations of our people, or I look at the walls of this family home, and I am almost overwhelmed with how lucky I feel that I have these roots.

Standard
happiness

Stop for an owl

We are having a crazy amount of snow come down today, which seemed fitting since we had appointments all over the place to deal with mom’s estate.

I am so grateful I’ve got my sister to walk alongside me in this process. I don’t know what I’d do without her, it helps we can grieve together, we share a lifetime of memories.

On the way home at the end of the day, the kids and I got stuck behind a tractor. Fatal error because I’m impatient but there was too much snow for me to get around him. And since I was on the backroad, and we were probably related to him, I couldn’t even complain (too much).

But because we were going slowly, we noticed an owl sitting on the side of the road. I love owls and so do the kids. So we stopped and watched him for a while. It was beautiful and peaceful – exactly what I needed after an emotionally exhausting day. There is happiness everywhere

Standard
happiness

It’s a small world

I had a parking lot goods exchange this morning that made me feel like I was doing a drug swap, but really I was just buying farm eggs from a lady I met on one of the Cochrane Facebook groups. After she contacted me to tell me she had some eggs I could purchase, I looked at her profile so I could recognize her and all of her photos included Mom’s Heather – the wonderful lady who looked after my mom for the last year and half. The “egg lady” is Heather’s best friend and we had no idea who each other was until I looked at her photos. There really is a small degree of separation between us all and I love it when the Universe randomly  brings us together like this. We chatted and laughed in the parking lot, and as I drove away I realized it had been a Happiness Moment, and that in fact I’ve been having Happiness Moments all along, I’ve just been too sad to see them.

Something awful happened to one of the members of my tribe earlier this week. Their poor family has literally been to hell and back over the last couple of years and the last thing they needed was another tragedy. I had a WTF moment with God wondering why they had to deal with yet more pain and I tried to figure out why it had happened to them. The best I could come up with was who knows, it was totally random. But, what I did realize was that I never once questioned whether or not they were being punished for something, or if God had forgotten them, or if He didn’t love them – I know this isn’t true – they are awesome people and live life being kind and honest.

And then I realized that if that was true about them, then it was likely true about me too. Sometimes I get really angry with God because I feel he’s forgotten me or is punishing me. But if I don’t feel that way about them – and the crap they’ve dealt with over the last few years is at least as bad as mine if not worse – then why should I feel that way about me and my kids?

And if you are dealing with a crappy situation in your own life the same thing is true – we can’t always understand the painful things that come our into our lives, but it in no way changes the value you have as a person.

Standard
happiness

Energy boost

Today started week two of our 90 day transformation program – this week we are working on energy. Good timing too since I feel like all I say lately is I feel like I am tired to the core of my soul. We all have our action plans and it will be interesting to see how the week progresses – I’m really excited, we all need a little life boost.

I keep falling back to thinking it’s too much ama or not enough ojas, but really I think it’s mostly just total depletion.

In celebration of Family Day I took the girl and her cousin out for what likely is the last toboggan ride of the year. It was so pretty out (and at close to 0 not unbearably cold), and I loved hearing the girls scream in laughter. They have so much fun together, and I love watching the cool teens revert back to little kids as they fly across the fields. I love my family dearly and it’s nice to have a day just to enjoy them, but family time is important to us so we do spend a lot of time together in real life.

There is happiness to be found in every moment if you remember to look for it.

Standard
happiness

Why am I not good enough

It was public speaking day today at 4H – something completely new for both of my kids. They both put in a lot of thought and work into their speeches over the last few weeks and I put in a lot of prayer and stress. All of the kids in the club did really well, and it was so cool how supportive they were of each other. How awesome to have such a safe environment in which to stretch and grow.

The boy spoke about the communist party – politics is something he’s passionate about and there’s nothing like talking about communism to get people talking. The girl’s speech was “Why am I not good enough – from a teenage girl’s perspective” which was so powerful it brought tears to my eyes.

Both kids qualified to go onto the next level. So next weekend we are off doing this all over again. I’m so proud of them both – of all the kids in the club – public speaking is scary and difficult and if they can learn this skill now it is a huge gift to their future selves.

The audio is terrible – so here’s a transcript of Why Am I Not Good Enough

One, take a shower you don’t want to smell.

two, pick out an out fit that will fit with the latest trends, and won’t make you the laughingstockof the school more then you already are.

Three, put on some makeup so you can actually show your face in public and be a little bit pretty. you cant even recognize yourself and your face tinkiles with an unbelievable itch you cant satisfy otherwise you’ll have ruined the hours of meticulous painting you applied to your hideous face.

Four, don’t forget to style you hair, you cant let everyone at school see how you hair is naturally.

Five, shove you fat feet into the pinching blood blistering shoes that everyone else is wearing and you cannot be the odd one out. As you gaze into the bathroom mirror you see a strenger that as somehow stole your reflection and repeated it with a completely different girl. Every part of you out fit is uncomfortable but even though you spend hours trying to look pretty you will never be as good as those other girls at school. You are actually holding back a few tears but you feel like you are holding back a tsunami of emotion you can’t let any one else know you that you feel otherwise they will never respect you the same way they used to, or did they ever? Why am I not good enough beauty is pain.

Six get to school.

Seven find a group of people you can walk with to class with bc heaven knows you can’t just walk alone, but you don’t even like these people they cuss and make dirty jokes a lot, and they laugh and make fun of you. You know you shouldnt hang out with them but hey they are the popular kids. And you just want people to like them. You are in the stocks as people throw judging tomatoes and hate heads of lettuce at your insecure little head. You can not stand up for yourself bc you are alone trapped and defenseless and you can not stand up for yourself bc these popular kids are like the royalty or the school and apprentice with they say and do goes. You take each comment each judgment each assumption each opinion each strange look each remark each criticism each review each report each assessments and whipp’d yourself esteem plum like a sinking ship. Down, down, down into the dark and dreary deps below. You look at all the other girls your mind racing a mile a minute I wish I had her eyes, I wish I had her hair, I wish I was a skinny as her, I wish I had her perfectly straight white teeth, I wish I had her social conference. Why am I not good enough? Life isn’t fair.

Eight get your work done. The only part of your life that seemed solvable is the actual schoolwork you take pride In your work. Bc it is possible the only things special about you. You do it to see the radiant smile on your teachers faces as they applaud your work, so joyful praise is the gentle rain that brings forth a magnificent rainbow. The radiant sunshine the brings forth the fealds of sweet daisies. One of the only things that brings you happiness but it is not popular to be smart. In fact you are seen as a nerd, too smart, too smart human calculator, brainiacs, geek, teachers pet, suck up and what ever wonderful name you can think of. Your peers jealously is a pollution that prevents a rainbow. The bulldozer that plows through the fealds of one golden daisies the in intangible object that crushes your happiness like a bug. A Are getting you nothing nothing but torment. Why am I not good enough? Just get over it.

Nine it’s the end of the day get ready for bed.

Ten undress and get your pajamas on. “Wow did I get fatter today?”

Eleven undo your hair “wow my hair looks like a mop.”

Twelve wash off all the your makeup “I can’t even look at my self.”

Ever night you think to yourself I just want people to like me. I just want to be accepted. But skipping meals and marking up your wrist isn’t going to fix that. You look at other girls wishing you were them, but other girls are looking at you and wishing they were you. Society infers girls have to have skinny waists, tan skin, long silky hair, perfectly straight teeth, big buts and etc. Society and furs girls have to wear tons of makeup to be pretty. Society in furs girls have to were skanky  loathing and do inappropriate things with boys to be “happy and considered cool.” but society is wrong you are lover you are precious, you are beautiful, you are talented, you are capable, you are deserving of respect you can eat that meal. You are one in seven billion and most of all you are good enough.

Standard
happiness

Espresso and flowers

I had errands to run today and for some reason the boy volunteered to come along with me. Once we were sitting in the Italian Centre and he was sipping his espresso I understood why. Italian food con aside, I was really glad he came along with me – we haven’t had much one on one time lately and when I’m with him I get to really hear what is going on inside his head. As he was telling me about all of his life issues, questions about God and the Universe, and his favourite kind of food I realized how grateful I was that we have such a close relationship. It’s been a lifetime (his) in the making – but it’s exactly what I wanted when I had kids.

When I got home I was tired and kind of feeling bleh (please not the flu) and the girl met us and said that my cousin had been by and dropped off some flowers to cheer us up. I needed those flowers, it’s gross out and I’m feeling emotionally exhausted.

Thank goodness for this tribe.

Standard
happiness

Tears of sorrow, tears of joy

Today has been a crying kind of day. It started when I got home from dropping the kids at school and I thought It’s Valentine’s Day, I should go over and visit with mom – I know this day is hard on her and she misses dad.  Then I remembered and I went to bed for an hour and cried.

I kind of got my crap together for the rest of the day, but then I got the mail this evening. It was filled with sympathy cards and letters for my parents (both of them!) like they’re still alive and reading their mail. So then I cried again.

But it wasn’t all sadness. People are sending letters and emails and sharing their favourite memories of my parents with us. More than anything what stands out for me are the people who really, truly loved my parents. And they all say the same thing – they loved my parents because of how my parents loved and shared their lives with them. There’s a consistent theme too that these people love us and are holding us up as we cry.

I mean, really and truly, I expected to feel so alone in this, but everywhere I turn people are reaching out in love.

And so I go back to my thoughts on living a fear based or a love based life.

I’ve already seen what happens when I make decisions based in fear. It hasn’t worked so well for me.

I feel like we should watch Inside Out tonight and have a real emotion explosion. My soul sister watched it today – it’s a powerful movie and it reminds me of how sadness and joy need each other.

Standard
happiness

When the universe listens

A couple of weeks ago I told the universe what I wanted – what I would like to have happen in my life if money wasn’t an issue. I didn’t see how it would be possible, because it felt like money would be an issue – but when miracles happen they don’t always come the way we imagined they would.

I had a conversation today with someone who is already living the vision I had, and who possibly could use my help to keep it growing.

So cool. So exciting. So hopeful.

Tonight a group of us went out and laughed our asses off. We were loud and inappropriate and had so much fun. One of the other ladies lost her dad a couple of days before my mom died so we even shared tears and laughed about the weird grief things we were doing. I have missed having people to go out and do things with. It was awesome.

It realized today as I was driving around looking at cows that I am living exactly the life I prayed for. It’s all here. Sure, some things are missing, some aren’t precisely how I’d like them to be – but mostly I am living the exact life I prayed I’d have when things were at their darkest.

Cows and kids.

Standard
happiness

Being vulnerable

My intuition spoke up after mom died and said that he would know I am vulnerable and to expect him to make a move. Even so, I have to say I was a little disappointed when it came today, I guess I aways have a little hope.

I spent a few hours attempting to deal with the chaos created, and then made myself take a step back. I was doing exactly what I had been trained to do: make fear based decisions. I’m tired of living that way, I’ve been making a real concentrated effort to make love based decisions. But, I’m human and it’s hard when the land mines have been planted years ago. I just never know when they’re going to go off.

I realized that much as I’m vulnerable to his fear-making, and to my own pain, my heart has also cracked open a bit wider with love. In the last 2.5 years I’ve watched both my parents die, and it has changed me. It has really made me appreciate the strength and importance of love. For both of them at the end,  all they wanted were their loved ones around them. That’s the life I have been working on creating now – I just want to spend time with my loved ones. Everything else is noise.

So we grabbed popcorn and watched a movie – together – family fun time.

Standard
happiness

Angel at the gate

This morning was a really rough one for me. As soon as I woke up I wanted to cry- it’s been two weeks now since mom died and I am finally processing some of those emotions. The time between when dad died and when mom did were really tough ones for her – she missed him so much, her own health was failing, and she put in so much energy helping the rest of us deal with our sorrow. There just are so many feelings to sort out and let go of.

What I wanted to do was go back to bed (always the safest option), but I had a full day of things to do so we hit the ground running. As I was waiting for the gate to open so we could leave the yard I noticed an Amazon package stuck along the side. I ran out to grab it, silently praying it wasn’t something mom had ordered that was going to make me cry again. It wasn’t. It was a gift of love and joy sent just for me.

For the last few months I’ve been studying at the Health Coach Institute and they knew about mom’s passing. They sent me this beautiful angel and a thoughtful note to go along with it.

I needed that little gift of love, that reminder that the world is still carrying on and that I need to be part of it, that I have got this.

Good thing because the afternoon involved an emotionally gut wrenching appointment with my girl. As long as the reminder that the love is there to balance out the scary monsters under the bed,  it all seems doable.

On the way home from that appointment we passed 3 bald eagles sitting in the field having some sort of feast (best not to look too close). A reminder of strength, grace, and home.

Thank God for our tribe. The love and support the kids and I have been receiving is what is holding us up. Pure happiness.

Standard