Tag Archives: happiness

happiness

Totem Poles and beach walks

It was another rainy day here, but the flowers are blooming and the blossoms are on the tree and I love this place so it didn’t matter.

I dragged the girl to the museum – I haven’t been to the museum in Victoria since I was a kid but I remember being fascinated by totem poles.

The girl is at that teenage age where nothing I do is cool so I am not sure how much she enjoined the afternoon, but I remembered why it is I have a history degree. I love this stuff.

I went for a solo walk along the beach by the hotel this evening. I really needed that quiet space to be with myself and with God. I am so glad we are here, but even the good memories now have sadness attached to them. It made me realize how much more mourning I have to do.

But even in the mourning there are silver linings. I’m here with my girl – and much as my parents gave me experiences that I cherish and that shaped me- I’m doing that for my kids now.

I had a 5 minute visit with one of my old time forever friends this afternoon – a longer one to follow tomorrow. I so appreciate and love all of the people in my tribe.

I love this place. I am so thankful for these spaces that ground me.

Standard
happiness

Murchie’s, Munro’s, Memories

My soul was called back out to Sidney and I had to follow. The girl and I are spending a few days on Vancouver Island to be near the ocean, renew our souls, visit old memories, and make new ones.

This place has always felt like my second home, we spent so much time here when I was a kid. My parents had a house we all loved here for a few years, but before and after that we would come and stay in the exact same hotel the girl and I are in now.

There are memory imprints of us walking on the logs along the water with grandma, of Easter egg hunts in the courtyard, of lunch at Lunns, and of trips into Victoria.

Victoria for me always centers around the triangle of Murchie’s, Munro’s, and Roger’s – and today we hit all three of them. Mom used to spend hours in the bookstore gathering a new stash of reading material, and dad and my sister and I would run between the other stores.

I needed to touch base with some different family memories. Mom and Dad were never sick here, this place doesn’t hold divorce pain or death pain. It holds memories of us riding bikes, gathering seashells, and running free.

As I watched the girl pick shells in the rain while grinning from ear to ear, I remembered we are not only visiting old memories but making new ones.

Life does always go on. I need to hold onto these happy memories, remember when mom and dad were alive, when they weren’t sick, when life was easier. But I need to hold onto this moment when I’m here with my girl and we are alive and healthy. And I need to embrace the changes the future will bring.

Standard
happiness

Being strong

The girl and I had a long discussion today about what it means to be strong.

I think both of us have realized that our definition of being strong has changed. It no longer means protecting ourselves – we are no longer living in danger or in crisis- rather it means being vulnerable and cracking our carefully guarded hearts open.

It’s a huge leap in healing for both of us. And we both naturally want to guard our hearts and protect ourselves.

I have learned this means I need to me authentically me – I can’t shape myself to make other people happy anymore. It’s ok to tell people what I want and let them do the same.

We have had to be tough and protected and strong for years. Now we have to be soft, and vulnerable, and loving, and embrace the strength that comes with that.

Standard
happiness

A new Easter

Easter has always been a big deal to me, my parents celebrated it in the true sense (not the Hallmark sense) and it was always a time where we embraced Christ as our Savior, looked forward to spring and the hope of new beginnings, and enjoyed family time.

This year it was going to be just me and the girl and we were kind of at loose ends. But family scooped us up and we spent the day visiting and eating and celebrating.

It was a different day, a new way of celebrating Easter – right down to a completely different kind of church service. But we are in a season of change in this house and I think it was good to celebrate a new Easter.

A new Easter, but with our tribe, with our family. It all comes down to love and the relationships we have in our lives. I feel so fortunate I come from the tribe I do, they hold me up constantly and remind me how important it is to have people to love.

Standard
happiness

That 70s show

The kids and I have slowly been watching That 70s Show on Netflix- but since the internet rolls over tomorrow we have been binge watching today.

As I’ve mentioned, it’s kind of a weird Easter for me this year. And I need to make it special for the girl – it is such a season of hope and new growth – but I also kind of just want to cry and miss what was.

It’s the great thing about having kids – they force me to look forward and keep the sun shining in our family.

And part of fake it until you make it is made easier by watching silly shows that make us laugh.

Standard
happiness

Letting him fly

The boy took off with his school for what I’m sure will be an epic trip to Iceland. He has been so excited about this trip since my mom gifted it to him as an early graduation present last fall. On the way to the airport he kept saying how he felt that nana should still be alive because he needed to tell her all about his trip. It was a present he will remember forever and I’m so grateful she was able to gift it to him.

I’ve only heard wonderful things about Iceland and I hope he has a trip that he will talk about for years to come. It’s hard to believe this kiddo is almost an adult, but when I watched him head off with his school group there is no denying this is the case.

Standard
happiness

Feeding my soul

I’ve been really stressed out and run down lately. It’s due in part to the things I need to sort out for mom’s estate – there are lots of things that the government needs because of the extra care she was getting. I’m so grateful for all that care – it allowed her to spend more time at home, and gave her a lot of comfort and peace – so the work is totally worth it. It is just sad work, I’m not really accepting well the fact that both mom and dad are gone. I think it’s just a lot to absorb, and so much has happened the last 3 years.

Added to that is the chore of getting my things ready for taxes. It is emotionally draining as I’ve had to go back and pay my lawyer again to show the thousands of dollars that I have spent in attempts to have Mr. X follow the court order for support. He is now almost $40,000 behind in payments and to say that has had a huge impact on our lives is no joke. It’s hard on me, it’s hard on the kids – it’s exhausting.

I have realized that I’ve been so stressed out that I haven’t been looking after my soul properly lately. I need my Drishti, I need the peace he brings me, I need to be spending more time with him. He is a big part of what feeds my soul and recharges me so that I have the strength to carry on. I can’t make Mr. X follow the court order or be a decent human, I can’t bring my parents back – but I can go riding and free my soul even for a little while.

I really can only be responsible for my own happiness, my own freedom, and my own life choices. I need to be making ones that are good for my soul, for my family, for my heart.

Thank God for this horse.

Standard
happiness

Old friends, good times

I had a visit with a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. We both lived crazy, unexpected lives in those years, but at the core of it all we are the same people. I love getting together with someone after ages and it takes no time at all to get back to the same comfort as the friendship of the past.

We know where each other’s bodies are buried – we have to stay friends.

Our teen years and early 20s were spent together riding our horses and getting into trouble. So now we talk about horses and how we used to get into trouble. But mostly horses and our kids and our dreams for how our lives are now. We both are pretty grateful for the lives we have and that makes catching up so much easier.

I am so thankful I have made such great friends in my lifetime. My relationships are the most important thing in my life and it’s awesome that I am surrounded by such good people. It’s soul happiness.

Standard
happiness

We are those guys

Yesterday when we were walking around Banff we kept getting behind the funniest two guys who were having the strangest conversations. The first time I heard well, I was doing fine until I sat on me ass for a year eating nothing but shit food, that made me fat and miserable. Later we ended up behind them again and I heard  well, I have to argue with you – you always think you’re right about everything and I have to prove you’re not. Lastly the boy heard them arguing over whether a giraffe or koala was the better animal. They were so funny I couldn’t keep a straight face.

Tonight after the girl had ball we went out for milkshakes and we were having one of our usual insane conversations. We noticed the people in the booth behind us snickering and poking at each other and listening to our conversation.

The boy looked at me and started to laugh and said we are those guys from yesterday – thats us today having this conversation. 

I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my kids. It’s a lot of work for all of us to be this close and work together, but I don’t know how we would do it any other way.

Standard
happiness

Think Gingerbread Houses

The kids and I took a much needed mental health day in the mountains – it’s a place that grounds us all and life has been so emotional lately we really needed a mountain hug.

My lesson from A Course In Miracles today was to look for happiness wherever I went. Today was the perfect day for that lesson as we seemed focused on finding the light.

We wandered around Banff for a while this afternoon and finally sat down for my first ever Beavertail. I’m not sure I need a second one, but at least now I can say I’ve had one. As we were waiting the kids started each playing solitaire on their phones. The boy allowed me to watch him and for a few seconds I did just that – watch. It wasn’t long though before I was giving suggestions, then pointing, then telling him where to line up his cards.

The girl looked over at me, wiggled her eyebrows, and said think Gingerbread Houses, Mom. Oh. Crap. See, when we do gingerbread houses I have to buy an extra one for myself because I have this tendency to totally interfere with their creations. I can’t help it. I don’t even make good gingerbread houses (think drunk toddler art), but I just can’t stop myself.

So I pulled out my own phone and started my own game of Solitaire. I guess it’s all in the name – a game for one person.

We went to a Wrinkle In Time tonight. I loved the book and it was fun to experience the movie. As with all of these types of movies the kids had to process their feelings of their missing father on the ride home – but they seem to be making peace with that in their own ways finally. The movie actually was a good reminder of how important it is to focus on the light instead of the darkness.

There is a lot of light out there, we need to let ours shine too.

Standard