Tag Archives: healing

happiness

Sunshine around the cloud

I have been pretty vocal about my feelings about the support issue that has been going on over the last few months, and because I have shared the bad I also want to share the good. I checked my bank account and two payments were deposited in the last couple of days. They are both less than the normal amount, but money was put in and I can buy groceries for the kids and I again without huge amounts of stress sitting in my gut.

I am so thankful and happy that this seems to have been resolved. I am thankful that Mr. X decided to make the payments and that maybe this will settle some things in all of our lives. It’s a big deal and I’m glad we are in this place where maybe things can calm again and we can get to a better place.

This is huge happiness.

I had happiness this morning as well when I took Drishti out for a ride – actually just schooled circles with him in the field. He’s paranoid of the electric fences and really feeling spunky from all the green grass so we had a “trot until you drop” kind of workout. I almost dropped first, but managed to outlast him.

He teaches me how to be brave. My desire to bond with him and ride beats any fear I have when he’s being a turd – so I keep moving ahead even when I get anxious feelings in my gut. It teaches me to do that in real life too.

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Home run

Tonight the girl hit it into June at her softball game. She made the first home run for the team of the season, got 3 people home (including herself), and with that her team won the game.

To say it was exciting and that she is walking on air would be an understatement. I am so happy for her. She loves this sport, she’s good at it, and now she has her first big run under her belt.

That is happiness. Happiness shared with someone I love.

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Stop and reorganize

I decided the best way for me to find some balance in my life again was to stop everything and clean and reorganize the house. There’s still a way to go, there’s a lot of junk we have here that does not belong in this new life, but it was a start. It’s amazing how just tidying and scrubbing some counters can make the house feel more like home. My hope is to be able to paint a couple of rooms over the summer to give them a warmer, fresher feel.

Really the only way to keep moving forward is to bring in the light instead of focusing on the darkness. For me, the best way to do this is to make sure I’m taking care of myself – sleeping enough, eating healthy food, getting exercise, hugging Drishti. As long as I’m looked after, I can look after all the other details.

Although nothing is different from yesterday, it is completely changed as well – I feel stronger and more able to take on the world again. And that is happiness.

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Healing balance

Today was a day the feelings decided to show up. I still figure I should see dad walking down the hall in the house, or wandering in the field, or sitting on the deck. I also am starting to understand that it’s real that he’s gone. It’s been two years.

Added to that has been the extra chaos so kindly added by he who shall not be named – that person who seems to want to make sure that finding peace is as difficult as possible. He feels more and more like a distant nightmare, but one that is constantly trying to stir up a storm. Exhausting and I’m done with that.

The balance though is the healing community I have around me – my family, my girlfriends, the healers in my life, the kids, Drishti, and even Dottie when she’s not being naughty.

You get to choose what you put your intention and focus on. I would be crazy not to keep mine on the wonderful gifts I have in my life. It keeps me balanced, and keeps me focused on the fact that there is always hope for things to get better and better. I am incredibly blessed that way.

As I’ve been working at growing my wellness business I have had incredible support from my mom and sister and I’m so grateful for that. One step at a time and I keep walking towards a better life. This family who comes together and lifts each other up – what a gift.

That is happiness.

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Building trust, watching fences, opening doors, dropping walls

Building trust is something I’ve been working on lately. I want to allow myself to trust more willingly again, and I want to be the kind of person who can be trusted  (I think I am already, but I need to have faith in that knowledge). Being able to trust again after the pain and damage of my marriage is a difficult thing, but it’s something I must work towards. It’s like love – you either live with an open heart and feel, which leaves you vulnerable to being hurt, or you close off entirely – saving yourself that heart pain, but living with an empty heart. To live the life I want, I must be able to trust those in inner circle. Drishti is a good learning tool for this exercise.

I finally had a chance to spend some time with my beloved Drishti this morning – life has been busy, or the weather has been cold and rainy and I haven’t been able to ride the much in the last week or so. He’s living with his buddies in an area that is blocked off by electric fence so that they don’t make big pigs of themselves on the green grass. It’s a good thing and usually works well, but my poor boy is terrified of the fence – thanks in part to a little mishap we had a couple of weeks ago.

Today I took him out of his part of the field and brought him over near my place to get him ready to ride. He was very nervous and spooking at everything. At the time I wasn’t totally sure what his problem was and thought maybe the ton of fresh green grass he had been eating, added to me not riding may have just made him a little crazy in the head. But, as I kept working with him, I realized that he was incredibly scared of anywhere that the electric fence had been put up.

I had to coax him and work quietly with him to get him to a part of the field where I could ride. We walked around quietly for quite some time, and eventually I felt all his muscles relax and his great, long neck stretch out. He was trusting me and accepting my guidance, understanding that I was telling him that I would keep him safe. He earned my trust a while ago and I believe (as much as he can being an animal) that he will work to keep me safe, and now I feel like he’s got the same trust in me.

It made my heart warm with joy. It totally changes a relationship when there is complete trust. Either one of us may make a mistake and hurt the other, but I think we both know that we will each do our best to look after each other. In any relationship this makes magic happen. With my horse there are many life and death situations we can get into, but it is equally important in my other relationships that I build or keep this kind of trust. Where we have each other’s back no matter what, but love and forgive, and understand that mistakes may happen.

Our exercise in trust with the fence today made me think of a quote by Rumi that I had read a while ago that came with a photo that I felt explained it brilliantly:

Why struggle to open a door between us when the whole wall is an illusion? ~ Rumi

Drishti for me is what happiness represents. He is saving my life, bringing me back to myself, but helping me become a better version of myself. He is truly a miracle in my life and I am so incredibly grateful for him.

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Old memories, new memories 

Today was absolutely bursting with all kinds of different emotions. Before May 28, 2015; this date was just another day on the calendar. Now it is wrapped up with memories of Dad and the day he died. There was so much intensity those last few days, weeks, months… and then there are all the memories we cherish and carry with us of him and the light he shone in the world. To balance those intense feelings, we attended a huge family celebration for my uncle and aunt in honour of their 60th wedding anniversary. Life keeps on going, and there are always joyful moments and sad moments mixed in with each other.

Mom and I spent some quite time by “dad’s tree” in the garden. The last few days he was home the blossoms seemed to hang right over him, wrapping him and the rest of us up in the change of season. It seemed like a fitting place to sit for a while this morning and spend some quality time with memories of Dad.

Having a family party in the afternoon really brought perfect balance to the day. This tribe that we have – they are so amazing and we are so blessed to be part of such a group of people. The way this large family comes together is quite special an unique and I couldn’t imagine living life any differently – I love knowing that we are part of this huge tribe.

There is always happiness to be found if you remember to look for it. The happiness this afternoon was as clear and as loud as our laughter. The happiness this morning was more subdued, in the form of memories, and gratitude for a man we love so dearly.

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Meaningful moments

This morning I worked on a surprise birthday present for my boy for quite a long time. I can’t reveal exactly what it is yet, but it’s very spiritual for him and he’s been asking for something like it for a while. Through my dear friend and mentor Asrael, I contacted a lady in Invermere who makes exactly what I wanted, and together this morning through the wonders of technology we brainstormed and created, and she is now in the process of putting together the perfect gift. I am so excited. I hope he loves it and cherishes it for years to come. It has a lot of personalized meaning for him, and helps represent a lot of the spiritual growth he’s done over the last couple of years.

It was meaningful. I’ve had a lot of meaningful moments lately that have made me stop and go hmmmmm. I’ve been in quiet contemplation the last few days as we approach the anniversary of my dad’s death. It seems impossible that tomorrow it will be two years since he passed. So much has happened, and yet I still expect to see him lying out in a field taking a photo of a flower with a big grin on his face. I know he’s here with us guiding us along as we all continue to bumble along our paths, figuring out what we are supposed to be doing and who we are. I miss him incredibly, but I know he wants us to be happy and find love and fulfillment.

I spent some time working with a lady who is helping me build a business which hopefully will start to generate some cash. Finding a way to take some of my financial stress away would be a game changer – there still is no indication that Mr. X has any intention of every making any more of the court ordered support payments.

I shared stores and laughs tonight with a dear girlfriend and that reminded me how important it is to have this tribe of people. I’ve lived life without my people around and I don’t ever again want to feel like I’m flying solo through life -either in faith or in person.

All these meaningful moments – they are what adds up to happiness. I am so blessed.

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Similar values

I spent some time today talking with a friend about values and how we wanted to live life. I love it when I can chat with someone who feels the same way I do about family and parenting and faith and such things. It’s rare and important. I mean, it’s also important to make sure there’s balance and I love having friends who see things differently and make me think about why I feel a certain way about something. But, sharing the same feelings about the big things is also important. It’s part of what drives me to keep with my tribe – knowing that there’s that group of people who have my back and I have theirs – we all share the same core values.

It brings me happiness remembering why it is I feel the way I do about family, parenting, and how to treat our neighbours.

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The new story

I visited with someone today who I have a feeling is going to become part of my tribe. I love it when I meet someone and I know that they’re one of my people. And because she’s also a heart based person, we have had deep discussions since the moment we met. As we were talking she said something about how “this is going to be your story”.

It struck me that I am in the process of writing an entirely different story. I am no longer who I was, and I don’t feel like because of that I’m stuck in that place of being someone I don’t want to be. I get to write an entirely different story now.

Every day life is getting better, we are all finding happier ways to live out our story. I still have no idea where this path is heading, but I’m so grateful I’m on it. That is happiness.

And so is this:

 


I still can’t believe he is in my life. Talk about answered prayers.

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Bubbles, ball, and blessings 

We finished off the long weekend with a perfectly sunny day.  So often the May long weekend brings snow,  but this year it was amazing. 

After some yard work we relaxed in our yard and the girl brought out her bubble wands. There is something magical and so relaxing about sitting and blowing bubbles. And so we did. 


The girl had ball tonight in town and it is becoming a social event for the rest of us. It’s wonderful to watch her thrive in her sport. 

We have so many blessings. I have been reminded lately of how important it is to let in the light rather than focus on the darkness. There is a lot of light in our lives – and that is happiness. 

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