Tag Archives: healing

happiness

Reach out

This afternoon my boy spent some guy time with an old family friend. He does not get a lot of guy time – being that he is pretty much surrounded by women in his life – and this was a big deal to him. It’s a good reminder how these little acts of kindness can go a long way to making a big difference in the life of someone else. My kid talked about it all evening, just happy to have spent some time chatting and laughing with this man.

Happiness is best shared, and it was so heart warming to watch these two share happiness with each other. It’s little moments like this that make big changes.

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Beginner’s mind

Today I read a passage in the book A Return To Love that allowed me to better understand some of the issues I’ve been having both with meditation and with surrender.

In Zen Buddhism, there’s a concept called “zen mind”, or “beginner’s mind”. They say that the mind should be like an empty rice bowl. If it’s already full, then the universe can’t fill it. If it’s empty, it has room to receive. This means that when we think we have things already figured out, we’re not teachable. Genuine insight can’t dawn on a mind that’s not open to receive it. Surrender is a process of emptying the mind. 

I think of how many nights (and days) I have listened to endless mind chatter. Worrying about one thing or another, being angry about things I can’t change, thinking about the past or the future. My rice bowl has been full. When I meditate the bowl empties out a bit, when I have CST treatments it’s like someone turns that bowl upside down and shakes all the old stuff out.

I keep telling God I want to surrender, I want to hand my worries over to him. Yet I have control issues, I think I can handle things myself (FYI, I can’t), I keep my rice bowl full of things that aren’t nourishing me.

I understand better why the meditation time is so important, why I feel so filled after a CST treatment. I have made space in my head for the voice of God. That is happiness.

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Refusal of the call

When you refuse the call from life to follow your dreams, you run the risk of living an unfulfilled and unhappy life. No matter what you do, and no matter what material things you acquire along the way, if you don’t do the things that make your heart sing you will feel an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction and regret when you get to the end of your life. (Hero. Rhonda Byrne)

All three of us have been home sick today. When I felt well enough, I spent the day reading and praying. I have been working through A Course in Miracles and after having a little chat with God this morning about how scared I was about this part of the path I’m walking on, it turns out that the reading I did today was all about fear. All healing is essentially the release from fear. To undertake this you cannot be fearful yourself. You do not understand healing because of your own fear. I am struggling with faith and fear, but I am very much aware that the only way to heal and to get where I want to go is to trust, let go of the fear, forgive,  and hold on to my faith.

I feel a lot of fear when I think about the fact that I am now completely and solely responsible for not only the emotional, but also the financial wellbeing of my kids. And yet, underneath that current of fear lies this very strong feeling that this is all part of a greater plan, and that if I can listen well and trust fully we will be more than ok. I think it’s our chance to be free and to thrive in an entirely new life. I didn’t work this hard to leave that situation and get us where we are now to give up and fall back into a fear based, miserable life.

It goes back to what I was talking about the other day when I was out with Dristhi and sat in a moment of wonder and gratitude. I don’t know about tomorrow, but at this exact moment in time we are safe, we are loved, we have a home, a car, food – all our basic needs are there. It’s only when I look into the future that I get scared, and the future could bring anything. I need to stay in this present moment when the girl is on one side of me, the boy on the other, cats and dog are happily having naps, and Drishti out in the yard eating green grass. This is the life we have created and it is a very happy life. When I stop and count my blessings there are a lot of them. I can very easily see how God has helped me every step of the way along this journey, so do I have any choice but to have faith that we will be cared for in this part as well? There is a lot of happiness in that.

 

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Letting the mind chatter go

I met with one of my amazing healers today. What I love about these sessions is I never know what is going to happen, it has taught me to let go of any agenda and just let what is supposed to happen happen. It’s a good lesson for me to have in the rest of my life as well. Things usually go so much better when I relax and allow instead of trying to force things to go the way I think they should.

CST does some amazing stuff to my nervous system and it helps release a lot of trauma and other yucky things that are stuck in there. Today I had a few instances where I would have a huge rush of very loud mind chatter, then a flash of a bright image, then my body would twitch and jump, then my mind would go completely quiet. The weird thing is each time after I had no recollection at all as to what the chatter or the images were. It was like my body was bringing up feelings, ideas, or events that it was ready to let go of and in a huge surge of energy would just purge them from my body.

So weird and so cool.

Happiness is having this supportive group of healers in my life, happiness is being open to healing and growing -that part took me a long time to open up to.

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Apples to horses 

We spent Mother’s Day doing what seemed like a very appropriate activity to celebrate the mothers in our family. We were outside, cold, watching kids ride horses. I looked at my mom and realized how she had spent a huge part of my childhood sitting somewhere freezing at the side of an arena watching me soar around on my horse, and here she was still doing it – and smiling. As I’m shuttling kids from one place to another, I think often of the sacrifices that she made giving up so much of her time to take me and my sister places.

My niece wanted to ride Drishti, so we got him all ready and she walked him around the corral. I think she would still be out there walking and smiling on top of that horse if we had let her. That kid is a natural rider and it was awesome to see how much she enjoyed it.

I think the only thing better than doing something you love, is sharing something you love with someone else. 

After our afternoon ride we went to my cousin’s place for a family Mother’s Day supper with her family, my mom, and my aunt and uncle. Great visiting, incredible food, and a crazy game of Apples to Apples to finish the night off.

All of this incredible, heart centered happiness and we didn’t even have to leave the property to enjoy it! What a blessed person I am to have a family like this!

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Pre-Mother’s Day family time

We had a pre-Mother’s Day day today. My sister and her kids came down and we all spent some time together. I get to see them so much more often now than when we were living away, but it still does not feel like often enough. I’m grateful, however, because the kids and aunts (and uncle when he can come too) all know each other so much better.

I also spent some solo time in my garden this morning getting it ready. My garden is a huge source of joy all summer long and it’s really exciting to get it started. Seeds go in tomorrow and then it’s weeding and watering while we wait patiently to eat the produce.

We had a family meal this evening and I thought as I looked around the table how grateful that this is the family I come from. Everything I know about love, strength, trust, and faith is rooted in these people at the core of my tribe. That is happiness.

Oh, and finally I saw a crocus in our field – there have been others in the area for a while, but this is the first home one and that is special. It is spring!

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In this exact moment 

It was a beautiful morning and I grabbed a quiet moment to take Drishti for a ride. I am happy to report he was much easier to catch than he was the other day. As I was walking him back to the barn, I had to stop at the top of the hill and look west at Moose Mountain which was absolutely brilliant, then I looked back at Drishti behind me and I thought this is why it’s so important to live in the moment. I have prayed for years for this exact moment to arrive. I am standing in the place I love most in the world with the horse that is absolutely perfect for me. If I was worrying or focusing on anything else but right now, I would miss this exact moment.

The mounted version of that moment came a bit later and looks like this:

It’s breathtaking, it’s humbling, it makes me know that God is here and with me, it’s peaceful, it’s loving, it’s a happiness moment. Both times I stood (sat) in gratitude and thanked Him for all my blessings. I remembered I am living the life I have prayed for.

When I was finished riding, my cousin grabbed me and asked if I would like to help her pair out cows and calves. I was all over that. I haven’t “helped” (and I use that term loosely) move cows in two years, and I had no idea how Drishti would handle it, but yes please I am so willing to do that.

 

He’s a pretty level headed guy, my horse, and he was just fine out there. We saw Derek the orphan calf from last year who didn’t seem to care that I existed at all, and lots of really cute newborns with their mamas.

The fact that this is something I can walk out my back door and do is such a huge gift from God. It is so good for my soul, it puts me back in touch with nature, I love spending time with my cousin and she’s a wealth of information so I learned a lot while I was at it.

I am grateful for every second of this life.

I am home

I am safe

I am happy

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Can’t catch me

I had a crash course in determination and facing fear today thanks to my lovely equine.

When I got Drishti the girl told me that he was super easy to catch and that he was at the bottom of the pecking order in his field. Well he used to be super easy to catch, but lately he has decided to make it a bit more of a challenge for me. The other day he ran away from me, and when I went to the head of the herd (Jackson) to catch him, Drishti came at him and head butted him until he also ran away. I eventually caught Jackson and immediately Drishti got so jealous he couldn’t stand it and let me catch him.

Today when I went out the same thing happened, he ran away, except this time he changed things up when I went to catch Jackson. I was just about to put on the halter and Drishti came charging up and pushed at Jackson with his chest until Jackson finally gave up and moved away. Interestingly Drishti never had his ears pinned or looked annoyed, it was like he thought he was playing a really un-fun-for-mom game. Finally I did the same thing as before- caught Jackson, had Drishti get all jealous, and caught him.

I really missed my grandma’s old dog who would chase the horses into the corral saving me hours of running up and down the field trying to catch stubborn ponies in my childhood (*cough* Pirate *cough*).

He was a jerk, I had to lunge him for a good 15 minutes to get him to calm down then I saddled him up and took him out in the field. He felt a little spooky (he never spooks) and suddenly the other horses galloped by in the next field. Drishti curled into a little ball of stress and had a momentary freak out that fortunately didn’t turn into a bucking fest.

I pulled him back to a walk, got us both under control and had to think for a few seconds about what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to just bail, he was not his usual chill self and I didn’t feel like getting hurt. The part of me that wants to get stronger and heal knew that if I gave up I would be scared again. So, I made him do work – we did circles, we worked on bending, we did  some transitions. He was tired when we were done, and I felt happy. Happy I had faced a fear, happy because when I am riding my spirit sings.

It’s an interesting space we are in right now, this between time as we wait for my lawyer and the US system to force Mr. X to start making his court ordered payments again. It baffles me the lack of conscience this man has, but it’s been a good reminder that he just doesn’t care. At all. About anything. And along with the fear, there is a certain kind of freedom that comes from knowing that I must give up any expectations of him ever doing the right thing for his kids. It’s a painful lesson, and one I seem to have had to learn over and over, but I think I’ve got it now.

His life is so hard 

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A quiet spot

For the first time in ages we didn’t have anything to do this evening and enjoyed a quiet family night at home. It was kind of nice for the three of us to relax and just visit with each other. The kids have expressed (to my dismay) how stressed they are feeling because of the nonpayments from Mr. X. We talked about it a bit tonight and I assured them (as my mom has assured me when I have had my own meltdowns) that we are safe, we are loved, we are cared for – whatever he chooses to do or not do is on him, but our lives will go on. I think they feel a bit more secure, I know I feel a lot better knowing there are people here who love and care for us.

Happiness is found in all kinds of moments. I have to choose how I am going to handle this present situation – I am making it my mission that we will come through this stronger, more loving, and happier than before.

I don’t know what I would do without my family – my kids, my mom, my sister, and my extended family. I can’t imagine how we would have ever done this if things had fallen apart while we were away and I’m so grateful that God brought us back to our tribe. In a dark storm, that is a bright rainbow of happiness with a pot of gold at the end.

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The mom bus

It was another chilly night at ball, but I am discovering that I am building a mom tribe there which makes me happy. There are three of us who are single moms and have very similar stories and we laughed and shared tales as we discovered the things we have in common – things we never thought any of us would know about. I love that they are women who are learning who they are again, building new lives, finding the humour in dark situations, and are incredibly strong – these are women I want to be around.

The kids both are now thriving at ball. The girl is hitting her stride at bat and on the field, and the boy learned last week how to umpire and was the ump at the game tonight. She’s gaining confidence as a player, and he’s finding his voice and footing as the umpire. They’re such great kids and I’m so grateful that I get to walk every step with them. That is happiness, real and true.

I had a moment of personal happiness this afternoon as I took Drishti out for a quick ride before the chaos of the rest of the day took over. I have discovered I’m no longer scared, I’m finding my confidence too.

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