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happiness

The slow road 

Sometimes I get frustrated by how long it is taking me to get my mojo back. I know part of it is impatience, part of it is the fact that that it has seriously been a long, slow road.  Like, I’ve been on this road for a few years now. I just want to be stronger and have my zing back already. I miss that version of me. 

I guess what it also shows is how completely broken I was before I started reaching for better things. When I remember that, and think about where I was, then all I am is proud and excited at how far I’ve come in my journey to make a better life. The best thing is it’s made a better life for those around me too. 

The kids are reaching for the stars while learning what it means to feel firmly grounded and supported. 

Both of my kids are fascinated by these happiness moments I’ve been watching for in the last few months. Often we will be driving to town, or sitting at the dinner table and one of them will start asking what our happiness moment was today. An awesome byproduct of me looking for mine is that they look for theirs now too. 

Tonight I was sitting on the couch contemplating life and Jenna sat down beside me. She asked me what my happiness moment was, and I wasn’t sure yet. Then she cuddled up beside me and we just sat there. Voilà! Instant happiness moment. 

The good thing about being on this long and slow road is that I’m able to take the time to soak in these little happiness moments. The little ones that all add up and make life. 

We took the long slow road home today in the snow and came across one of our four legged friends trying to hide on us. 

  
Being able to slow down and breathe in nature is my antidepressant and anti- anxiety. 

  
So, I will breathe deeply and dig down and keep on this long and slow road. At least I’m headed in the right direction. I’m headed home. 

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happiness

Safety, grounding, flying free

I have been thinking lately of the irony of the feelings of safety, security, and grounding that I get from living in this old house that has looked over so many generations of my family. Getting grounded and centred back into my self has been a huge part of my healing journey. But the fact remains that while I find comfort here, this home only exists because of the adventurous will of my ancestors. Had they not had the strength to leap out of their comfort zones and abandon all the safety and security in their lives for an unknown, pioneer life in the West; I would not have this house to sit in.

I’ve been feeling lately like I’m sitting on the edge of a huge cliff. I’ve been climbing and climbing for a couple of years now getting to the place where I do feel some grounding and safety. Now that I’m (kind of) there it’s like I’m being asked to free fall off into the unknown. I don’t like heights and I don’t like falling. Yet that is what I’m being called to do.

Unlike my ancestors, my adventure quest isn’t asking me to pack up and head out on a physical adventure. In fact, that is what the last 10 years of my life have been about. Those years almost lead to the complete destruction of my soul, but also to the building up of myself into a stronger, more humble, better version of myself.

The quest that I’m being called to take now is an adventure of my inner soul. It’s scary and I have a thousand reasons why I’m not prepared for it, but still…. I’m being called. I can feel the past couple of weeks that I’ve been edging closer and closer to my free fall off into this journey of faith.

Today’s happiness moment was a visit with my cousin and her husband. They live just far enough away that we don’t see each other as often as I would like. And often when I see them it’s at a larger family function so visiting isn’t as intimate. Getting to visit in a quiet and relaxed manner was such a treat. She’s just enough older than I am that she’s always been one of the cool cousins who I looked up to, and she was kind enough to put up with me when I was an annoying younger kid following her around. Lord, I made her sing the found a peanut song a million times one summer…

 

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happiness

All you need is love

Love comes in unexpected ways. I think that’s the beauty of it, sometimes it just pops up and finds you when you didn’t even know you were looking for it. Other times it’s a steady stream of emotion that has always been there.

We had love fall into our lives unexpectedly over the summer in the form of brother and sister cats Aladdin and Abu. They came to the Pet Valu in Cochrane to be adopted around the end of May, the same time Dad passed away. We were lost and sad, they were lost and sad… but we already had a dog and a cat who each would have been quite content being the only pets in the family.

Jenna pestered me all summer long to get these cats. I kept coming up with excuses, even though we would have to go visit them almost every other day. Finally towards the end of the summer I told her that if she didn’t fall in love with a cat at the SPCA camp she was going to that I would consider it. She didn’t fall in love at camp. If anything she fell in love harder with her black and white kitties and we had to go visit them every single day after camp.

One day at the end of August, Ella marched into the kitchen and dropped a mouse at my feet. We live in a very old house filled with good sized mouse holes and I decided that was that. Finally we had an excuse, we would apply for the cats. We were approved and before I knew it they were in the house. Ella was furious, any proof that was needed that cats are just mini lions she displayed for us over then next couple of days. Dottie just rolled her eyes and pretended it wasn’t happening.

These cats are so full of love. Abu is the cat Jenna has waited her whole life for. She carries Abu around all over the place and hugs and cuddles her all the time. Abu just sits there cuddled up into Jenna’s lap with a look of contentment.

Aladdin is more social and hangs out with me a lot, but also spends a great deal of time running and playing with Ella. Ella didn’t know how much she needed someone to love until love found her.

These two had to be adopted together because of their bond. And their bond is very apparent. They love each other. More than that they need each other.

My happiness moment today was when Jenna, and later Jacob came downstairs and told me that Abu and Aladdin were lying upstairs holding hands. I was rushing cooking supper, but I stopped and the three of us stood on the stairs for a long time watching them. We quietly talked about how much they loved each other and how sweet it was to see them lying there together.

It made me think of the power of love. How it  was strong enough to stop us in our busy lives to simply stand and witness it. How peaceful and calm it made us feel. How happy and grateful we were to be a part of it.

Love really is the most important thing. All you need is love.

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Happy birthday Dad 

Today would have been Dad’s 75th birthday. I haven’t been home to celebrate a birthday with him since he turned 64, and now that I’m here, he’s not. Sigh. Because we celebrated the last 10 birthdays with him over the phone or on Facetime, I wasn’t sure how acutely I would feel him missing here today – that is anymore than any other day. Sometimes my brain convinces my heart that he’s just gone on a trip for a while and I’ll be seeing him soon. Denial, it’s a difficult cloak of protection.

Turns out I miss him quite a lot.

Dad loved going for walks. He was always trying to get someone to go outside and do something with him – walking, skiing, swimming – he just wanted to be outside. Today I wanted to honour his memory by walking along the ridge by our house – one of his favourite places to be. It’s actually one of the spots where we scattered his ashes, and a place where I haven’t been strong enough to walk along since.

Today I knew I needed to walk there. To go to the place that Dad loved so much and where he found so much peace.

I stood at the spot where we had scattered his ashes. I cried for a long time. Thank goodness it’s a beautiful, warm November day or my tears would have frozen on my face and that would have made a sad situation an awkward one as well. I stood and cried and looked out at the view and just let all my emotions flow. It was both really hard and really easy. I had a lot of clarity come to me in those minutes I stood there thanking Dad for all that he had given to me.

Dad was always so good about making sure that I knew that he loved me no matter what. I never had to worry that I would ever do something that would make his love for me falter in any way. As I go through life and realize that so much of what is called love is conditional it gives me an even greater appreciation for this pure and true emotion of love. What a gift to have, what a gift to give.

I stood there and thanked God for the beautiful place we live in. Dad wanted to spend eternity in the spots he loved so deeply and being there brought me such peace and comfort.

the view along the ridge where we scattered the ashes

I walked for a while with my Dotted Dog and her Naughty Puppy Friend before getting a text from Jacob that he was on his way. He walked up and joined us and we walked the rest of the ridge together.

It was so calm and warm. It felt beautiful to have the sun shine its healing rays on us while we walked and laughed over memories of Dad. The kids miss him so deeply, he was such an important force in their lives. 

Last year at Christmas Dad and I walked the ridge and for some reason decided to stop and take our first ever (and what ended up being our only) selfie. It was the last walk I took with Dad, even though I didn’t know that at the time. We had such a deep, spiritual conversation – I’m so thankful we had the time for those kinds of moments.

omg it was so cold that day

Jacob and I stopped at the same place today and took our own selfie in memory of Dad. I think he would have really liked that we were out there together remembering him. 

After I was back home, I was sitting at the table with Jenna talking about Dad. She leaned over and petted my arm and said “I bet you really miss him today”. Then she said “If it makes you feel any better, while you were out on your walk I went up to my bedroom and sang him happy birthday” and then she burst into tears. So, we sat at the table and cried for a little while. Then we found a video that she and I had made last year on his birthday wishing him a happy day. We cried some more. We did manage to keep talking through our memories until we found some that made us feel better. There are lots of good memories.

I’m pretty lucky because I had a Dad who loved life and loved to pull us into it at full force. Even when I’m sure he wasn’t interested in what I was doing he was always there to listen to me and to talk about things or to watch me do things (the hours that man spent at the side of a riding ring watching me go round and round on my horse. Both my parents spent ages in the heat or (usually) the cold watching me ride).

I work hard at continuing to walk through my grief. I miss him like crazy, but I know he would want us to jump into life with everything we have, without fear. I don’t want to deaden my emotions, I want to feel them deeply and breathe through the tough ones. If I don’t feel the sad emotions, I also won’t feel the joyful emotions. I am on this happiness journey and Dad has been a big part of that. I find happiness in new experiences and I find happiness in memories. As proof of that, my happiness moment today included remembering all the love and fun times shared with Dad, and also experiencing fun times with Jacob (and those crazy dogs) on our walk. There is more tearful happiness to come tonight as my sister and her family join us for a family supper at home.

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Who has your back?

  
The past couple of years I’ve made a very focused effort to surround myself with the kind of people who have my back. I finally realized how important it is to have people in my life who hold me up and make me a better person. Its made me become strong enough to help others and have their backs too. It’s been amazing since I’ve made that my mindset how people who love and support not just me, but the kids as well, have appeared in our lives. 

Jacob has a teacher who is one of these special people. The three of us (with some help from the assistant principal) have been working hard to stop this Caillou name calling, bullying issue at school. Finally it seems we have some resolution. The kid has been moved away from Jacob in class, there has been no more teasing, things are settling down. 

This teacher has really stepped up and it is so impressive how she’s making sure Jacob feels safe and secure at school. I’m so glad she is there and that he was comfortable enough with her to reach out to her for help. 

My happiness moment today was when Jacob jumped into my car with a huge smile on his face. All the way home he chattered happily about his day and the things that happened at school. It’s been a long time since he’s been so carefree and light hearted about school. Warms my heart. 

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Sunday supper

It’s been years since Sunday supper was a thing in our household. A lot of the time it felt like we spent the evening preparing for the stress of the week instead of celebrating the end of the weekend. 

Since coming home again, we have had a lot more occasions to celebrate weekends, or Holidays, or sometimes just Tuesdays. 

Tonight we had an impromptu family supper up at my cousin’s place. It was more like a feast actually – roast beef (beef from the cattle they raise with tender loving care) and all the fixin’s. Easy and fun conversation around the dinner table with grandparents and aunts and uncles and parents cousins and kids. We had the  whole multi generational thing going on. 

We are so incredibly blessed to live where we do with the family and love and support wrapped securely around us. Being safe and happy in the arms of our home. My happiness moment today. 

Home is where my heart is.   

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Sushi party 

15 years ago when I was pregnant with Jacob we joined a birth and babies class through the hospital. For the first year after the babies were born most of us got together weekly for a baby group, we did baby swimming lessons together, and we had a massive baby’s first birthday party. 

All these years later there are two families that we have reconnected with. Tonight we got together for a make your own sushi party   

All the prep work was done by our gracious hosts before we arrived and all we had to do was sit, roll, laugh, and eat. It was a fantastic way to have a dinner party. 

We laughed and ate and laughed and ate and when we were too full to eat, we played Apples to Apples and laughed and played and laughed some more. 

There were tears shed, both from accidential wasabi overdoses and from laughter. 

What a great happiness moment. It is such a blessing to have friends back in our lives and to have people to laugh with.    
 

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The door to heaven 

Jacob has been struggling with his relationship with God lately. I think it’s partly his age, partly the grief of losing his grandpa, and partly learning religion in his Catholic school when he’s been raised Anglican/Lutheran. 

Yesterday we stood in the parking lot of Save On, looking at the sunset, and talking about it looking like the door to heaven opening. On the way home I had my own personal confirmation from the heavens that I was on the right path. Little did I know last night when I went to sleep that our sunset miracles were far from finished. 

Jacob woke up this morning as bright eyed as he’s been in ages. He told me that he hadn’t prayed in a long time, but before he went to sleep he had prayed for two things. He prayed to be able to talk to his grandpa one more time, and he prayed for proof that God was real. 

He said last night he had a dream that he walked over to my parents’ house and my dad was waiting there for him. They hugged and then Jacob asked his grandpa a bunch of questions about how he was doing, what it was like and other things. This alone makes me happy as my dad came to me once in a dream not too long after he died, and all I did was yell at him that if he could appear in a dream I wanted him back in real life. 

I’ve  had Jacob tell me the whole story several times today and every time it’s the same thing with the same small details. Like how God has a calm and gentle voice that makes everyone who hears him lose all their stress and worry. Or how his grandpa lives in a house exactly like his old one here and he still sees all the alive people in the house. 

There was a lot more, Jacob walked around the house with grandpa who explained to him how he was able to be there and not be there at the same time. He talked to him about heaven and about God. Jacob is in the process of writing all this down and I will let him tell his story in it’s entirety when he’s finished. 

On the way into school Jacob was once again telling me  his dream and he said I had my prayers answered.  I got to talk to grandpa again, and I now know for absolute certainty that God is real. 

  

What a miracle. I’m still processing it all. 

My happiness moment was watching The Book of Life this evening with the kids. We didn’t know what it was about, but it actually tied in nicely with Jacobs dream and celebrating the memory of those who have passed on. The kids both really enjoyed it, and I love hearing those belly laughs. 

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Let’s go riding in the car

We do a lot of driving now that we are living in the country. Most of the time I love it – I take backroads whenever I can so it’s usually stress free driving. This has opened up for us is a lot of time spent together without any other distractions (besides saying ohhhhh look at the sunrise, or look at all the deer, or are those cows out on the road?) and a great opportunity to really talk to each other.

My happiness moment today was driving home with my boy. It’s a bittersweet happiness moment as he was unloading on me all the stress and worries he has about being a 14 year old boy. Sad because I hate to see him struggling with anything, I still wish I could jump in and put a bandaid on everything to make it better. But, it was my happiness moment because it was a beautiful reminder of the bond we share, of the trust he has in me that he will tell me everything that is going on at school. Life at 14 can be difficult, confusing, fun, scary, happy, upsetting, and hormonal – often all at the same time. I feel so honoured that he is taking me on his journey into adolescence and grateful that he’s secure and feels safe enough in our relationship to share things with me.

Love that kid

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Snowballs and laughter 

We had our first substantial snowfall this morning! Well, for me I wouldn’t use exclamation marks as I still have frostbite memories on my ears and cheeks, but the kids were so excited to see the white stuff coming down.

Jacob had the day off from school, so he was looking forward to getting out and playing in his winter wonderland.

I met him at my mom’s, where he tried to pull a fast one on me by hiding and pelting me with snowballs. I scored best mom of the day when I turned and casually threw one that went right in his face. As he was laughing I pelted him again – perfectly on the nose. Thank goodness i hadn’t packed my snowballs hard. He was all impressed with my aim, and I didn’t tell him I had been aiming for his stomach.

We had to go into town where we were surprised to find there was no snow at all on the ground. We laughed at how funny our car looked piled still in snow while it was clear everywhere else. We both got out of the car at the grocery store, turned and looked at each other, grabbed handfuls of snow off the car, and had an impromptu snowball fight in the parking lot.

A man was standing behind Jacob watching us and laughing. He wanted to know where we got all the snow from. As we walked into the store Jacob turned to me and said “well mom, I don’t know about you, but this was my happiness moment for today”. I love that he is also making sure he has a happiness moment each day.

I agreed with him, but inside I thought and my other happiness moment was getting you with that snowball….

However when we arrived home he got me back…

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