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happiness

Life off the leash 

Years ago I put myself on a leash. I tried so hard to be the person that I thought other people wanted me to be, I  stifled a lot of the things that made me me.  Interestingly enough, the people I was trying to impress with by being someone other than myself either didn’t notice or weren’t impressed. Of course now I know that trying to be someone other than who I really am is an exercise in futility, but it took me a little while to get there.

The unfortunate byproduct of all of this sadly though was that over time of not being true to my self, I lost touch with who I really am. Thus years of anxiety, unhappiness, and tears.

One of the great things about this happiness journey that I am on is that I have started finding myself again. Not all of the stuff I’m finding is fantastic, but it’s all really me. And I’m happy about that.

It’s a beautiful day in Southern Alberta today. Apparently we are in a heat wave – experiencing above average temperatures. It isn’t beach weather, but it’s about +5C which for this time of year is pretty warm. I took the boy and the dog out on the ridge for a walk (I made it both times past where we scattered Dad’s ashes without breaking down in tears…. progress!). I listened to Jacob go on and on about the new Star Wars movie and I watched the dog run and jump in the snow.

Dottie looks like I feel. Poor Dottie had to live life on a leash for 8 years until we moved here where she has the freedom to run. She is an entirely different dog with all the freedom she has. As I’m letting go of the idea that I need to be anyone besides who I am (my leash), I’m feeling more and more like she looks.

Happy.

Freedom

My happiness moment today was walking with my kid and my dog along a ridge where my footprints have been hundreds of times before. I used to ride here, walk with Dad here, toboggan on the hill below here, and I know we have lots of new memories to make along the ridge. Off the leash.

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Because I do yoga 

I love almost everything about yoga. I love how it makes me feel, I love how it stretches my body, I love the spiritual connection it brings me. About the only thing I don’t love about yoga is the fact that I’m really bad at it. Which is also one of the things I kind of like about it (but not all the time, a lot of the time I just wish I was super bendy and twisty and that the asanas came easily to me).

I grew up doing competitive sports, and usually I was pretty good at them. Competition is fierce in our family – family game night is not for the faint of heart. While I like to win, part of me enjoys the mellowness of yoga and just being in my body and compassionately allowing it to be how it is for the day. Well, except for when I get pissed off that after all this time I still can’t do the poses the way that I want to.

This evening I was walking from the parking lot towards a store with Jacob and I missed the fact that there was a curb up to the sidewalk. I tripped on it and as Jacob said flailed around like a dying goose about to hit the ground. I had arms going every which way and my head almost hit the ground not once, but twice. I felt a little bit like this guy, but without being quite as cool:

 

 

And of course because it was a Friday night in December the parking lot was full,  so lots of people got to see me in all my glory.

Jacob stood there and laughed and laughed at me. He laughed so hard that the mom who was ahead of us with her teenage son turned around to make sure I was ok and to give him a little bit of a mom glare. He looked at her, and then looked at me, and said Oh come on mom, if that had been me you would have laughed just as hard. And of course he was right, I would have. Actually even just thinking about how funny he would have looked is enough to make me laugh. So, fair enough…

As we were walking into the store he looked at me and said I honestly can’t believe you didn’t face plant right into the sidewalk mom. I have no idea how you managed to get back up. To which I responded (without thinking about it) it’s because I do yoga. And I was totally right. The fact that I do practice yoga almost daily is the reason why I was able to regain my balance. I may not be good or flexible, but yoga brings a lot of balance into my life. Balance that I can see, and balance that is invisible, but that I can feel. Like the fact that I’m not filled with anxiety, or that I feel like I’m getting grounded again, and that I’m deepening my spiritual relationship.

That was a funny moment and a happiness moment all wrapped up in one.

I had a beautiful happiness moment this morning with the kids as we were heading out the door for school. It was pretty dark, but very clear this morning. We stood for a few minutes and admired the barn silhouetted by the dawn light. I love it here, it’s good for my heart to be in a place that brings me joy and contentment.

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Sew it together 

My happiness moment today was being with Jenna and our multi talented friend Alysha while she helped Jenna with her Christmas projects. 

Jenna loves to sew and has been wanting to for so long. Now between her Grandma and Alysha she’s got some wonderful teachers.

This definitely falls under the it takes a village to raise a child motto as this is not a skill she will be learning from her mother. I am so grateful we have this awesome tribe of people around us. 

   

A bonus happiness giggle was when Jenna put down her almost empty glass of eggnog tonight and left the room. Ella the cat thought she was alone in the kitchen so she jumped up on the table and tried to fit her face in the glass for a little drink. When that didn’t work she stuck her paw way down in the glass, scooped up some eggnog and brought her paw up to her mouth for a little lick. She sat by the glass doing this over and over until Jenna came back into the room. Then she hopped off the table and pretended nothing had happened. 

Jacob and I were in the next room howling with laughter.  

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Happiness mishmash 

I had several small happiness moments mixed all through the day today. I went into our Save On this morning to get something for supper and got bumped ahead in line because I only had a couple of items. When I thanked both the man who let me go and the clerk who suggested it, they said it was one of the perks of living in Cochrane – small town kindness.

Jenna went in to see the head seamstress in the family today to get some help (but also to eat cookies … mmmmm shortbread…. and visit). It warmed me to hear them, heads together, busily planning out her sewing project. There’s a special relationship between grandparents and grandkids and I’m so grateful that she is getting to strengthen that bond.

 

I have put a hard limit on internet at home and the kids have responded by actually playing together and having family time. We watched Charlie Brown’s Christmas, and then Jacob found his track set his aunt gave him a couple of years ago. They spent an hour racing their cars around the track.

About 30 seconds after I took this picture a huge tickle fight broke out with the dog jumping on top of both kid licking faces furiously. That was funny because it wasn’t happening to me…..

I love big happiness moments, but life really happens in these little moments. The ones that don’t cost anything, that aren’t planned out, that just happen because we are alive and we are living in the moment.

 

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Simple things 

Today my happiness was  found doing simple things. It was another beautiful day, I love these bright sunny days that have no wind. I went out for a walk along the ridge – so no wind was essential for an enjoyable time. This was where Dad would go for his walks whenever he could, and where we scattered some of his ashes. I can see why he loved it so much, it’s beautiful. I used to love riding along the creek below, so it had an extra boost of happiness as I remembered the freedom I felt spending hours wandering around with Pirate.

I stood at the spot where we scattered his ashes and cried for a while. I’m not really sure why. So much emotion has been stored up inside. Sadness over Dad, sadness over a lot of things I’ve had stuck inside of me for a long time that I’m finally learning to let go of. I’m starting to realize that I need to feel those feelings and acknowledge them in order to let them leave.  Then I had to giggle a little bit when I thought of how lucky I was that it was warm out. If it had been cold and windy all those tears would have stuck to my face, then I really would have had something to cry about.

I came back in the yard and went over to the hill where the girls were sledding. That brought lots of laughter back into my heart. There’s something about being around people who are really enjoying life that makes me feel the same way. The happiness overpowers the sad all the time.

As an added happiness moment, Jenna is still healthy and happy after her long cough. Saturday night she slept 15 hours and last night 14 hours. I am so grateful she had the time to slow down and spend time healing her body – and then time to get outside and enjoy life!

 

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Sun sledding 

Today was one of those perfect Alberta winter days. The temperature was above freezing (not by much, but enough to be warm – or hot when we were running around in snow gear), the sky was blue, our yard still had snow, and there were kids waiting to go outside and play.

Jenna has been waiting all year to get to play in the snow. She spent the entire month of November inside coughing and looking longingly outside at the snow falling.

The “little” cousins were down visiting for the weekend, and one “big” cousin was able to come over and play – along with some happy dogs. It was wonderful to see the yard fill up with happy footprints, snow angels, and snow drawings.

And, of course… the sledding. Sledding is kind of a big deal for us. Or better yet, going out on the toboggan… but that will come later in the winter. Today was about sledding down the small hills.

We had some visitors watching us while we went down the hill by the barn.

The girls did this hill over and over, laughing and giggling. I joined in one time and laughed the whole way down. I may have broken my bum (I don’t bounce like I used to…. and I did bounce a lot! I’ll be sore tomorrow), but it was worth it.

It was an afternoon full of happiness moments. Listening to children’s laughter, sledding, visiting, being outside enjoying the nice weather. We are so blessed to live where we do, back home with our tribe around us.

 

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Just keep swimming, just keep swimming 

It is almost impossible for me to wrap my mind (forget my heart) around the fact that Dad has been gone for 6 months today. I can convince myself for a while that he’s gone away on a trip or something, because usually over the last 10 years at least 6 months would go by without us seeing him. But, it’s harder to keep deluding myself now that we are home and he’s not here. His absence is felt so deeply I can feel it deep in my soul, as can the rest of the family.

Little things come up… like I was thinking about the fact that when we go get our Christmas tree (a big production here), that I will be the adult who has to do stuff now. Dad would normally do most of the gross hard work of getting up the tree and we would help and decorate. There were thousands of little things that he did for us, quietly and without fuss, that we are just now realizing weren’t done by magic.

But, we keep moving ahead. That’s all we can do. Dad was so full of life and loved doing jumping into activities, so the best way to honour him is to keep on swimming – Just like Dori.

My sister and her kids are down this weekend and we’ve had some Christmas cheer injected into our lives with songs and gingerbread houses. I know it makes Dad happy to see us all gathering together and having fun.

One of the gifts Dad gave me in the last months before he died was the desire to dig deeper into finding and following my spiritual path. He used to talk to me a lot about how important it was for him to work on his spirituality and to connect with God in the most intimate way possible. He may not have been ready to leave us all here, but I think as the time got closer he was ready to move on and be with his Maker. He taught me a lot about giving love and having faith. At the end of the day those are the things that matter, not the superficial stuff that is so easy to focus on.

Here’s a couple of photos of my Dad from a few years ago doing what he did best – playing and laughing with his grandkids. I have a childhood full of memories of him taking us out riding, skating, cross country skiing, hiking, and flower walking. To be able to engage fully in an activity that brings joy to everyone involved is a real gift.

I love you always Dad, thank you for everything.

Life in a bubble…

My happiness moment was sitting at the table in my mom’s kitchen with her, my kids, my sister, and her kids; while we decorated gingerbread houses. We need each other, for good times and sad times. It’s just better to be part of a tribe.

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A healthy dose of gratitude. 

Poor little Jenna has been so sick for almost four weeks. This constant cough has been the bane of her existence. We have been to the doctor many times and the children’s hospital twice trying to get her some relief. None of my home or Ayurvedic remedies have made much difference. Frustrating, especially when the respiratory specialist said to expect her cough to last a few months. Good thing we don’t give up easily, nor do we accept someone else’s word as our reality.

Yesterday I wrote about how we had had caring people in the community who were  offering their home remedies to us when they heard Jenna coughing. Last night we tried the solution offered to us by Guy, the guy from Guy’s Cafe. It involved a hot tub and a cold drink of water.

She went to sleep, woke up, coughed all morning, went to school and coughed all day there, got in the car coughing, and then…. After about a half hour she stopped coughing. Just STOPPED.  No more cough. A miracle. My happiness moment. It’s been so difficult watching her be so sick and uncomfortable. I am so grateful that my happy, spunky Jenna is back.

As a bonus happiness moment the kids decorated gingerbread houses today.



I love how into it they get. There is a special magic about Christmas.

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Be a part of the community, not apart from the community. 

For years we have been on the fringe of the community. Being an introvert, going out and meeting new people is not something that I look forward to, but when you are constantly the new person it’s a trait you have to develop. Even in places where I felt more settled and had more friends, I still felt a bit like an outsider. Perhaps if we had stayed put a bit longer I would have begun to feel more at home, but we were on the move pretty often.

Now that we are back home I notice that not only I, but the kids as well, feel like we are a part of the community. When we go out they see relatives and now friends as well and it gives them the sense of familiarity. Even though this was a “new” house that we moved to, it has so much family history that it gives us all a strong sense of grounding and belonging. I hear the kids talk about how they know they are home here and that they know it because so many of their relatives have also lived in this house.

No matter how independent we like to think we are, I believe that we all need a tribe of people in our lives to help hold us up in hard times and to help us celebrate the good ones. We have that here with family and old friends, but we also have that just by being in our community. I have been so touched by how many people have expressed concern for Jenna while she’s been sick these past few weeks. Those close to us of course keep pretty good tabs on her and are sending her well wishes all the time. But, there are people out in our community, in town, who are just used to seeing us out and about who also come over and express concern and love for her when they hear her coughing away.

The lady at our Save On came over and sat with her and offered her one of her cough drops and to tell her she hoped she was feeling better soon. She came to talk to me after and wanted me to know that she had offered it to Jenna just so I would be aware. I said I had been watching them, and how kind it was that she was showing such concern for my little bean.

Guy, the Guy from Guy’s Cafe spent a long time with us this afternoon writing down his home remedy for colds. He made her laugh and feel more comfortable, which was so kind because she’s so self conscious about her coughing away.

Even though sometimes it seems like we are one wave alone on the ocean, in reality we are all joined together by the depths of the sea. Ella (little miss close-but-no-touching) is learning this lesson as well. She has gone from wanting to kill her new brother and sister, to befriending at least Aladdin and accepting Abu (I think Abu and Ella are friends when we aren’t around though). Today I was sitting on the couch having my tea when I felt Aladdin snake around behind me and lie down. Next thing I knew there was a Fancy Tailed Ella in there cuddled up beside him. This is the first time she’s actually cuddled with one of the cats and it was so cute. Proof that we all need love from each other. No matter how much we think we can, or are told we should do it alone, we are better when we have a tribe of loved ones helping us along.

My happiness moment today is a celebration of being a part of our community. Having loved ones close by, knowing that we will look out for them and they for us. Life is good.

 

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Baby it’s cold outside

One of the best things about living outside of the school district is the fact that I get to drive the kids in to school every morning. I wasn’t sure how these mornings were going to work, or how tired I was going to get of driving into town twice (at least) a day. On top of that, this year the kids are at different schools and their start and end times are an hour apart.

What I thought was going to be a horrible spin our wheels time twice a day, has ended up being precious solo time that I get with both kids every single day. Jenna’s young enough, and she still thinks I’m cool enough that I get to hear a lot about her life anyway. But if I didn’t have this solo time with my too cool 14 year old boy I would seriously have no idea at all what was going on in his life. Plus, on days like today it’s a real reminder of how darn funny he is when he’s not all stressed out, or tired, or thinking about girls.

We were listening to Baby it’s cold outside on the way into town today and Jacob came up with this gem:

You know this song is basically about a man being all pervy with some woman right? I mean listen to him – he keeps saying he wants to stay, she keeps saying he really should go. And what’s up with him saying it’s so cold out? He should have a jacket. I mean… surely he knew it was cold outside before he came over. He has no excuse…..

 

Then a few minutes later as we were listening to Frosty

And Frosty is just as bad. What is he doing taking all those kids out into some field? Where are the parents? What is wrong with them – why aren’t they looking after their kids??

 

Then he looks up at the Baptist church (with it’s huge 3 story windows) and says

Holy crap! Look at how big the tree is at the church!! That’s amazing! How do you think they got it in there?? It’s beautiful!

Then he looks at me and asks why I’m laughing so hard. I respond with

Yes, and look, they have light posts in there, and clouds…. dude – it’s the reflection from outside.

Fortunately he is good with laughing at  himself and we shared a good belly chuckle all the way to his school.

If they got on the bus every day, I would miss these golden moments. These are the moments that are making memories for the rest of my life. My happiness moment.

 

 

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