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Like old times. 

Today I reconnected with a dear old friend (well, not old since she’s younger than I am and I’m still not old) and I got to join her while she did what it was that we used to do all the time  back in the day. 

That thing that makes my soul sing….. I watched her riding lesson.  
There’s a lot to be said for a friendship where we haven’t seen each other in probably 18 years and yet when we get together it’s still comfortable and easy. Aside from a lifetime of catching up, it was like no time had passed. 

I feel so blessed to be back here and able to pick up lost members of my tribe. I am closer all the time to being those old ladies laughing on the streets of Italy. 

The best thing about the old tribe I am reconnecting with is that I don’t have to pretend to be anyone but myself. They all have seen me at my best and my worst, and I have done the same for them. And yet, we still like each other. None of that judgement BS that happens so often. It just is. 

Happiness has always been just being in the company of a horse. Today’s happiness moment was extra special because I got to be with a friend and a horse. 

They say your thoughts create your reality, and I can tell that I truly am reaching for better thoughts because my reality is getting better and better. Because I am shifting my thoughts I’m creating a better and happier life. As a bonus of that. I’m creating a better and happier life for my kids. 

It’s great because when good things happen it makes me want to think even more happy thoughts. It’s a very conscious walk though. I often have the choice to be either happy or upset and stressed. And I have to keep making the right decision. I don’t always, but I’m getting better at it. 

As a bonus happiness moment, I am sitting in a movie theatre with Jenna, waiting for Hotel Transylvania to start. With our Scene points we got in for free, and I get to spend the evening with one of my favourite people.  

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It’s in the smiles…

One way that I know that I’m happier now than I have been in a long time is the fact that I interact with more and more people who are smiling and happy. For the past few years it seems as though the majority of the people I encountered were stressed out, overwhelmed and unhappy and it had the effect of making me the same, which I radiated back and created more unpleasantness. As I’m getting happier and happier, I’m in the company of people who are the same.

This is not to say that there are not bumps and stresses in everyone’s lives. It has been a very difficult year for me in many ways, and yet I’m a happier person than I was a year ago. It’s a wonderful feeling now when I meet people to know that we will greet each other with a smile instead of a stressed out, angry snarl. Not only is being unhappy exhausting, but when I know that many of my relationship encounters are going to be unhappy and stressful I become even more overwhelmed. I don’t have to be tense and upset in anticipation of an unpleasant encounter because generally there are none.

Now I find that I gain positive energy from the majority of the people I interact with which bounces positive energy off of me and back into the Universe.

My happiness moment today was spending the school day at the zoo with Jacob and his grade. I was one of the parent volunteers who accompanied the teachers and kids for the day (reproduction habits in animals – that was fun with a bunch of hormonal teenagers hahahaha). The teachers were all so kind and happy. Every time anything happened instead of furrowing brows and being cross, they smiled and worked through the situation. I was really impressed with how genuinely kind they all seemed to be, they certainly were welcoming to me the newcomer, and the fact that the kids were all so well behaved speaks volumes for how well this positive attitude works.


It goes without saying that the mere fact that my 14 year old actually asked me to join them on the field trip and thereby be seen in public with him was a bonus happiness moment.

As an extra special bonus happiness burst, while we were at the zoo, Jenna was home on an extra long weekend day off from school. They are weaning cattle on the ranch right now and my cousin very kindly took her riding and let her help out. For a city-turned-country kid who loves the country and loves horses this was a most magical day. Just the fact that things like this are available to us brings me gratitude and happiness.

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Opening the gates

One of my favourite childhood memories is of grabbing my horse and heading off through the fields for the day. It wasn’t until I started learning about meditation and the importance of connecting to Source (or God, or Nature) that I realized that this is what I was doing as a kid. Riding has always been a very spiritual activity for me and I have been blessed to have been able to ride for miles and miles in quiet freedom with the companionship of a beloved pony.

I haven’t come across a lot of really difficult gates in my adulthood – either they’ve made them easier to open or I’m not heading into difficult fields, I’m certainly not venturing as far on horseback as I used to. But, when I was a kid there were some incredibly difficult gates. I’m sure part of it was my age and size, but a larger part of it was those gates were made from insanely tight barbed wire – they were made to stay closed. Once in a while I’d be lucky enough to come across one that had a stick wrapped around the wire for extra pull – or I’d get really lucky and it would have that metal snap that went over the top. But, often I’d be stuck at some gate that was just barbed wire wrapped around a pole.

They were so hard to open. I’d stand there with my patient pony beside me pulling and struggling at the gate. Harder yet was when it would open and we would go through, because closing those tight gates was so much harder than opening them ever was.

For some reason it never occurred to me to just not go through the gates. I was busy exploring the ranch and if there were places I needed to go, then I needed to get to them.

Today when I was driving into town I saw a man come out from one of the fields where they are shooting a movie. He was standing at the gate trying in vain to close it. He didn’t have the technique down at all – the posts and wire were only half way up as he was trying to snap the gate closed – and I knew he was going to be there for a while. As I drove past he turned and looked at me with a face of frustration and impatience. I actually thought of stopping to help him, but there were a few other men standing around and I figured surely one of them would help him out. I was late for kid pickup, and things have changed just enough that I’m not comfortable stopping on back roads to help strangers the way I once was.

It made me think though, as I continued to drive to town, how much time I used to spend struggling with those gates. I would have been out all by myself, and have opened the gate so there was no option but to close it. I had been well-trained in the rule that if you come across a closed gate you alway, always, close it after you go through.

I am grateful for that part of me that felt like quitting was never an option. When I come into struggles in life now I think back to how I was as a child and I used to just keep moving ahead. Even if it seemed impossible, if I had a goal in mind I just kept working at it until I reached it. I think about it now as I’m on the quest to be the best me  which has involved stripping myself down and looking at the deepest and darkest parts of my soul. Walking away from that is also not an option. I can’t turn away from that anymore than I could have turned away and left one of those gates open. There’s certain tasks that need to be completed.

Sunrises seem to be my happiness scene these days. I started the day off looking at this:


The sun rising over the barn where I spent so many hours of my childhood. There are bits of all of my family’s souls in this building my grandfather built. It brings me constant happiness to be able to look out my kitchen window and see the barn. My happiness moment today was watching the barn be awoken by the sun this morning.

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Shriners and horses 

 The kids and I went to the Cochrane Labour Day Parade this morning. It’s been at least 10 years since I’ve been (so Jenna has never been and if Jacob has it was when he was a toddler) and it is my all time favorite parade. 

When I was little I used to ride my horse in the parade as a part of the Cochrane Pony Club, then later on I became a very happy spectator. They used to hand out little Dixie  Cups of ice cream and we would park our bums on the sidewalk and wave at friends and neighbors as they passed by. 

As my cousin and I were waiting for the parade to start she mentioned that her favorite part of a parade were the marching bands. That she wished that there were more bands in this parade and why weren’t any of the Stampede bands in it?

I said that to me the best thing about a parade were the Shriners and the horses. The Cochrane parade is full of both. No wonder it’s the best parade of all in my mind.

I mean who wouldn’t want to drive around in a little Dukes of Hazzard car??

 

 I was also saved my typical anxiety/panic attack as aside from the one I saw walking on the sidewalk, the parade was completely clown free. 

Happiness moment. Sharing one of my favorite events with my kids. Extra happiness moment was being with my cousin. So good to be back in the tribe. 

I wrote the other day about the song May It Be and how Jacob and I both came to love that song separately. We claim to have very different tastes in music, but once in a while our tastes align in the most unexpected ways. 

This morning when driving into town Crazy Train by Ozzie Osbourn came on. He reached for the volume on the radio and at the same time I was turning it up on the steering wheel. Fellow metal heads. Who knew!!?! Neither of us look like typical headbanger type people- he a jock and me living in yoga pants. But, I have always loved heavy metal from the 80s. And since Jacob didn’t know that about me it made it ok for him to like it too! Even Jenna gets into it. She’s a big lover of Bon Jovi and KISS. I love that drive into town, we have some of our best times on the road. 

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Friendship. 

I had tea today with a dear friend. She’s a wonderful combination of friend and family – I have always felt so comfortable around her and we have always been able to talk about anything. We sat on out on her beautiful deck looking at the mountains and fields and sky and chatted for hours. I love the kind of friendship where you can talk about everything and nothing. 

She said something today that made me think about the effort I need to put into my friendships – even these easy ones. Maybe especially these easy ones. She didn’t say this in relation to me, yet it hit home. It was that some of us want to have friends, we complain about not having friends or spending enough time with friends – yet we don’t want to put in the effort that comes with having a friend. I’m so like that. I never get together with my friends. What? Go out tonight? But I’m tired. I want to go to bed and read.  It’s the unfortunate price of being an introvert. Yet when I’m out and with my friends I’m so happy. 

So, I need to stay mindful of putting in that effort because it brings me joy. 

Sitting with her and chin-wagging was a happiness moment. 

A bonus one was coming home to a bored little girl and doing this to entertain her:

   
   
Like a friendship, it took some effort – an hour to catch and tack up the horses – but so worth it. I actually enjoy the process of riding almost as much as the actual riding. 

I mentioned during my visit today that if I could pick what I wanted to be when I grow up that it would be what I’m doing right now. I love being with the kids, being a mom full time, working on strengthening all of our relationships. I am very blessed and grateful. 

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Hanging on the edge of a cliff. 

After posting yesterday about loving fearlessly I had a conversation with my mom about how I felt like I was also living clinging to the edge of a cliff. Generally I think I’m doing really well. I’m happier than I’ve been in years, I’m home surrounded by family in beautiful Alberta. I feel generally like I’m dealing with the fact that Dad died (I hate saying that) really well. 

Until something happens that makes me realize that even with all those wonderful things I’m living right now clinging to the edge of a cliff. I absolutely can not have anything more happen at this moment to the people I love. The mere mention of someone close to me having some kind of health problem is enough to send me into a free fall of tears. 

It actually does not even have to be someone I know. I was at Rogers yesterday sorting out my phone and a lady came in. She had just taken her husband to emergency and he had taken her phone leaving her without one. She needed to get something quickly so they could stay in contact. A huge stress purchase done under intense emotional duress. I wished the phone I was trying to hook up had ended up working and I would have just given it to her. But seeing her emotional pain was enough to send me to my car crying for a little while. 

I am respecting  the fact that I’m both in a really good and really strong place emotionally and at the exact same time in a really fragile place. The two places don’t seem like they should coexist but they are, so I know it’s possible. 

Two happiness moments today. We had friends from Virginia stop by for a visit. They were headed to a family reunion and went right by our place. It was so nice to see friends from one of our other homes. They’re a lovely family, a good reminder of some of the good things that came from our time away. 

  
The second happiness moment was getting Jenna’s phone hooked up today. She had my old iPhone but it got lost during the move so she’d been without one for about 3 months. Normally not a big deal, but without a home phone we need a way to communicate. Her grandma gave her an old flip phone that we hooked up. Jenna is so much happier with the flip phone. She says she loves the size, loves flipping it open and shut, and loves carrying it around. Impressive that it made her so happy when we have all been trained that smart phones are the way to go. I was proud that she liked this phone better because it was the best fit for her, not because it was what everyone said was cool. Smart kid!

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Breathing in the quiet. 

Quiet is something I need, something I crave, and something I love. I know this about myself – and yet sometimes I find it difficult to sit in silence. To breathe in the quiet. My mind sometimes seems to think it needs to be entertained – even when my soul is saying shhhhhhhh just sit in silence. 

During times of anxiety I fight this inner battle even more. It’s a time when I really need quiet. A time when meditating and walking or riding out in nature really are the medicine I need. But, my mind instead says no, you should watch tv or play on the Internet or waste hours on Facebook. 

Its like my mind resists the thing that will help it most. I don’t understand this, but I know it to be true. So I try and remember to work with that. 

I’ve been meditating for a couple of years and it has brought great benefits to my life. When we moved home in all the chaos and the emotional upset I stopped. Even though it was a time when I needed it most. I couldn’t handle sitting in silence and hearing what was going on in my head. Even though meditation was what I needed to calm those voices of sadness and worry, I couldn’t break through the barrier. 

I’ve been meditating again and I feel so much better. I appreciate the silence I can sit in it again and breathe. I can feel it healing me. 

Last night as I was walking home I had to stop and listen. I was listening to nothing. We live near the highway and as the city grows the road gets busier and louder. Moments of true silence are harder and harder to come by here. Ironically, my moment of quiet here came because the highway was so busy it had come to a complete standstill – therefore no noise. 

This afternoon out on my cousin’s deck I noticed it again. A few of us were standing out there visiting – and we could hear each other. The road was quiet. We stood and watched child cousins play while us adult cousins visited. Saw the kids run through the field playing hide and go seek while we caught up on each other’s lives. My happiness moment. My sister was not with us, but I got to see her girl play with my girl and that was great. 

Yesterday I talked about how what I think about I attract – or what I believe I achieve. Specifically how I learned the Law of Attraction while riding I just wasn’t aware of what it was. No sooner had I published my blog than my niece and daughter called me to see I wanted to go riding with them. Of course I dropped everything and ran (skipped) out to the barn. I got to give an impromptu riding lesson to Jacob where I ended up explaining the law of attraction horse style just as I learned it. What you think about you attract.  It’s a fact. 

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The Bar U 20th Anniversary. 

The kids and I took a trip to Southern Alberta today to attend the 20th anniversary of the Bar U Ranch being a national historic site. Because the kids are Albertans who were not raised in Alberta, I feel an extra responsibility to teach them about their heritage. 

I love the drive south down highway 22 and today was a beautiful, clear, sunny day which made it that much more enjoyable. 

I knew it was going to be a good drive when it started off with Don’t Stop Believin’ on the radio. The kids were chatting away and as soon as the song started they both stopped talking mid sentence and sang the entire song, then went right back into their chatter. 

I love our mountains. Enjoying the scenery made the drive go by so quickly. 

One of the first things we noticed when we were walking around the inside of the Bar U information centre was the brands that were lining the top of the walls. After a little hunting, we found our family ranch brand that had been placed in memory of my Grandpa. That was fun to find, and made the kids feel a bit more connected to what we were doing. 

   Because we were slow we missed the horse drawn wagon that was taking people down the the main ranch area. So we had to hoof it ourselves. An easy stroll downhill lookin at the mountains – what a hardship eh? 

We went into the blacksmith shop and he gave us a little history lesson on how the Bar U came to be and why it was such an important ranch in Alberta. 

  This was the highlight for the kids. Learning how to lasso. They were actually pretty good at it and would have stayed there all day if they could have. 

  I however, wanted to go watch the Blackfoot Dancers. They were amazing. I felt so honoured that they shared this with us. The best part was that at the end they invited the spectators to join them in a dance. It felt so good to move around with the drums beating and them dancing. 

  Of course as soon as they could the kids were back to lassoing. They actually went to the gift shop and bought their own so they could lasso each other. 

Jacob said I should go get one for when they weren’t listening to me and I could just yell and rope them. As the day went on this seemed like a better and better idea. 

  When we left the Bar U I took the kids a bit further west towards the place where my best childhood friend came from. 

First though we had to drive past the littlest church. It was just as small as I remembered it from days of yore. 

  And here we are, birthplace of Pirate Gold – aka my best friend aka my best pony buddy. 

  And honestly, no wonder I enjoyed the time I spent down here learning how to ride him. It’s so breathtaking. 

  By the time we reached Bragg Creek on our drive home we were hangry so we stopped for some Italian food and some intense giggles. I can’t remember when we have laughed harder at a meal. Thank goodness we were outside. 

  One of those wonderful big happiness days. We are having more and more days filled with happiness. I know that this is because we are focusing on bringing happiness into our lives. Even amidst the mourning and the sorrow and the intense feeling of loss we carry about my Dad, we are still finding joy in the days. I know he would want that for us and that knowledge helps motivate me to keep seeking it out even when I want to just curl up in a ball. 

My happiness moment was when we were invited into the Blackfoot dance circle to join them. What an honour and how exciting to get to do something so different. 

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Digging Deep

I hadn’t really planned on double posting, but as I was out hacking at the 50 foot weeds in my vegetable garden tonight I was reflecting on what I’d said in my earlier post, and thinking about what I had meant to write about. 

I find usually my blogs take on a life of their own and no matter what I have planned, my fingers and heart just do what they want. 

What I had been reflecting on during my ride this afternoon though is worth making note of. I was thinking of my strength and how I recently came from a place of such weakness. When I fell apart my sprit and body were both broken. Smashed and crushed may also be accurate terms. I had to fix everything. 

I feel like I’ve spent the past few years working on my spirit and I know that it’s getting stronger and finding its voice and gaining confidence. Sometimes though I feel like my body has been so much slower to follow suit.  In order for me to be who I want to be I need both a strong body and a strong spirit. In my youth I was an athlete and strong. I had a brief period in my mid 30s where I was strong again, but I have felt like in this rebuilding process that my body seems to be taking longer than I want it to to gain strength. 

Lately though, I’m finding that in fact I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Often over the past few years things have happened where I’ve needed either external or internal strength and I’ve looked around for someone to lean on, someone to help with the burden. More often than not the only adult in the situation has been me and I’ve had to figure out how to dig deep and get through. 

  
I realized today how I’m getting more able to dig deep in the physical as well as the spiritual. When we were tacking up the horses I was the only adult around. So it fell to me to saddle and check cinches and bridles. Having grown up riding English, this usually is a pretty easy task. But here at the ranch we ride western, and those saddles are heavy!! I’m lucky because my saddle is light and comfy, but some of those other ones….. Oh my. 

I let Jenna use my saddle today and I  borrowed my nephew’s. I have actually decided that my new threat of punishment will be to carry his saddle around for a while. It is heavy!! Like throw up in my mouth a little and cry inside while trying to aim it in the general direction of my horse while not breaking his poor back heavy. 

But I did it. I put the saddle on the horse not just once but twice today. I was strong enough. I can dig deep. I’m stronger than I know. It’s kind of cool to finally be able to accept and celebrate the growing of strength. 

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That Dharma Thing

I firmly believe we all have those things that we shine at. Things that we must do, that bring us joy, that make our soul sing because we know that we are doing what it is that we were put here to do. 

Some people know what that thing is from an early age and have the faith, the support, and the courage to do it no matter what obstacles are thrown in their path. Others of us are plagued with self doubt and fear and it takes us a bit longer to get on that path. 

If I could have a life redo I would go back in time to those moments where I wanted to follow a dream and I listened to the negative voices either from others or from inside my head who told me that I shouldn’t. The voices that said I wasn’t good enough, not deserving, or that the dream I had wasn’t ever going to be a reality. 

The first thing I would do is not listen to the voices that made me give up riding. Should it have mattered that I was being told that I would never make a living at it (I could have), that it would never give me a secure future (nothing about my future so far has been secure anyway even though I gave up and tried to take the safe path), that I needed to find a real job and grow up? Had I had the kind of self esteem I now wish for myself  and for my kids I would have never heard the external doubts and I would not have had the internal ones. 

Somehow I took all those messages and decided that my value as a human was based on what career path I would take and the amount of money we could produce. So I took a career that I didn’t really want and when I gave it up to be a full time mom (which I love) I became devalued again because I wasn’t doing something that was producing money. Forget all of the things that I actually do as a mom, there is no value to that. So then I struggled with the strong feeling that I was doing what I was meant to do, but also held the false belief that it had no value. 

Today we went out for a long ride through the fields. It just brings peace to my soul. I have a confidence when riding that I am just now learning to bring to the rest of my life. On a horse you need to be confident enough to have faith in what you are doing, and stay humble enough to know that you are a part of a team – and that the other half of your team is much bigger and stronger than you – you must work together through whatever comes up. A good way to walk through life. With humble confidence. With the knowledge that I am following my dharma. That I am good enough just because I am me and that I know I’m doing the right thing because I feel it in the depths of my soul. 

That is happiness. 

Here is a photobomb of happiness. Johnny the horse having a moment of FOMO (fear of missing out) and peeking through the fence as I took a picture of my niece. She rode today with Jenna and me, and it was so heart warming to see those girls giggling and enjoying their horses in the same fields I used to spend hours in as a child. Pretty sweet for me to enjoy this time on Princess the boy horse. 

  

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