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An afternoon ride 

  
As a kid I used to ride all over the ranch in the summer months. Sometimes by myself, sometimes with my sister, usually joined by Buster the dog. 

When I first learned about yoga and meditation I realized that I had been connecting with the Source every time I jumped on my horse and headed off. Riding has always been a very spiritual activity for me, something that has always calmed my anxiety and grounded me in nature. It’s something I need to do in order to be the best version of myself. 

Today I got to ride with Jenna and my niece. It wasn’t long or far (those clouds in the background had us heading home before we got rained on) but it was soul cleansing. My happiness moment. 

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My Majestic Cow Dog

  
I got to do THE thing that is guaranteed to make my soul smile today. I don’t do it enough, but oh when I do…..

Dottie followed me out into the field. She’s never seen me on a horse before and at first was a little confused but soon fell in pace behind us. For a dog who had to live such a confined life up until 4 months ago, she certainly has adapted to her ranch freedom well (now if I could just get her to stop chasing cars!) My nephew said you look awesome out there auntie Melissa, with your majestic cow dog!

There was a moment that suspended in time while I was riding. I was at the top of the field on the dude named Princess, my mom and my nephew were visiting halfway down the field, Jenna was madly riding her bike up from our house, and Jacob was walking up the road. All of us outside enjoying a beautiful summer night. I looked up onto the sky and the sun was sending sparkly rays through a hole in the clouds. It was as if Dad was smiling down on us from heaven. It felt like a normal, happy night. Well…. a night in the new normal anyway. A happiness moment. 

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Ain’t it fun…

I know we have all changed in some ways in the short time we have been home. Some of it has come through struggle and heartache. I had several moments in the last weeks of Dad’s life where I knew deep in my soul that what I was living in that moment would change me forever. Not all those changes are a bad thing either. Sure, there’s the broken feelings of missing Dad, but there was a certain strength I found during that time – and a special bonding with my mom and sister as we held each other close. That strength I will carry with me on the next part of my life journey. I got to know myself a lot better and discovered that I had a much deeper faith and love than I ever knew. 

I also see changes in the vibe of our household. The kids are happier being home – they love running across the yard to visit cousins, or to visit nana, or to visit the horses. Jenna spends hours riding her bike up and down the driveway and running up to the barn to see the cats. Jacob can play with his cousin, and gets to ride the sit down mower all over the place. 

I can see the happy house vibe in the pets. Ella the cat has gone from being a true scaredy cat – hiding at the slightest noise and not allowing anyone to hold her for long – to being the happiest, calmest, most cuddly little furball around. She purrs her way all over the place and is usually happily flopped in a sunbeam right in the middle of the house. 

Dottie actually smiles. If you didn’t know that a dog could smile then you need to see my Dotted Dog. She has gone from a contained, leashed life, to one of freedom. She runs around my yard, she runs out into the field. She runs behind the barn. She’s like Forrest Gump, she started running and she hasn’t stopped. Often when she’s running about she tears up to me and gives me a hige grin before taking off a full speed again. To me, she represents the freedom we have all found  since returning home. 

Today we had a massive thunder storm – the kind where the entire house was dark and the windows shook. After it was over, Dottie ran outside for a while. When she came  back in she was covered in mud, had the biggest happy grin on her face, and dropped a horse hoof (the trimmed part – farriers must have been here) at my feet, and danced around. Once I got over the gahhhhh so much mud to clean up moment I took in her happiness and realized that was my happiness moment for the day. It embodies everything good about being here. Freedom and fun. 

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Ashes to ashes 

We picked up Dad’s ashes today. I am discovering that there are a lot of things about cremation I hadn’t thought through. But here we are, and we will hold hands and walk together through this part as well. 

I spent some time trying to figure out where to put the ashes in the car. Do I buckle them into the front seat? That felt weird. I decided on the trunk. Weird but hopefully safer. I felt kind of bad putting the ashes in the trunk of the car, and worried I’d get in an accident….. I’ve watched way too many bad sitcoms making fun of cremation mishaps I suppose. We made it home safely I’m happy to announce and I avoided any of those awkward moments. 

Even though I was completely pro-cremation and had been certain it was what I would want for myself, the reality of it is turning out to be much more emotionally difficult than I would have thought. I understand we are not of the body. I understand that the Dad part of Dad left the building way back at the hospice. However, the reality that the body now is also gone seems to be a little much. Like he was just erased or something. 

I don’t know, I suppose I will work that through in my heart at some point. It does interfere with my heart’s strong denial that Dad is anywhere but out for a walk, or out in the garden. Alive. 

Dad’s ashes had to stay at my place for the afternoon. It wasn’t until after supper that I packed up my laundry and the ashes and headed over to Mom’s place. I was standing in my yard – laundry on one hip, urn balanced on the other side – looking behind the barn where they were chasing cows, and then looked up at the sky and said just so you know Dad, this tops the list of the weirdest things I have done. Then I walked over to the house talking to him the whole way. It was weird and nice all at once. 

Today my happiness moments were served to me three ways: physical, emotional, and spiritual. 

When we came home from school I lay down on the couch to rest for a minute and ended up studying my eyelids for an hour and a half. Not only have we had an exhaustingly emotional few weeks, but I don’t  have blinds on our windows yet and it’s only dark from 11pm to 4:30am. Not enough sleep time. The nap brought me physical happiness. 

After supper I went for a walk along the ridge. It’s where Dad used to love to walk. Not only did I feel closer to him, but I had some awesome walking companions. My emotional happiness: 

   

The view from the ridge. 

 

When I got back from my walk Jenna had done some chalk art expressing her feelings about her Grandpa’s death. It gave me spiritual happiness.  

 

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I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m not ok, I’m fine ….

That pretty much describes my emotions lately. I think I’m ok, I act like I’m ok and then suddenly I’m not ok. 

Today my sister, the kids, and I went to Spruce Meadows. One of my happy places. It’s changed so much since it used to be one of my haunting grounds back when I was showing. It’s grown and become much more of a family place. While this is a good thing for them, I still love just going and watching the horses jump. I don’t need anything else. Jenna made me feel like I’d failed as her mom when she said oh Spruce Meadows… The place with the dogs?  

So we went and did some kid things and then we went and watched some jumping. We were happily watching when a lady in front of us tripped on the stairs and fell face first down on the ground.  She lay there for a long time while they waited for the paramedics saying that she had done something to her hip. There were  people there helping her and the situation was under control so I had nothing to do but watch. Which I had to do since it was right at my feet. 

I was sitting there watching her be looked after by caring and competent people and I was totally fine. Then all of a sudden I was in blubbering tears. Just watching this scene unfold brought up so many emotions. It made me realize how completely emotionally raw I am and how little it takes to set me off. 

As my sister and I have decided that  when people ask how are you?  We respond by saying I’m fine. Fine being Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Just FINE thanks. 

I know things get better, but sometimes I feel normal and then the reminder of Dad’s death sneaks up and kicks me in the gut. 

My happiness moment today was at Spruce Meadows, and while I certainly had happiness moments watching the horses, my moment came lying in the shade on the grass by the kids’ playground. 

 
Just lying there and looking up at the sky. A moment of happiness.  

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Speed

This evening after a couple of very emotional days made more difficult by my body deciding to express its grief by having major hip muscle pain (root chakra imbalance anyone? Given the core of our family stability shaken I’d think so), I came home and had a three hour nap. Awesome. 

After I managed to roll my butt off the couch, I headed up to visit my cousin. The wonderful thing about living here is all I have to do to go see her is walk around the field where the horses are grazing and I’m there. We can yell at each other across the yard.

I sat with her and her husband and we watched the movie Speed and we visited. It was so nice to just have a little bit of normal. Plus the horses. Just being so close to the horses makes me happy. That was my happiness moment for the day. 

Had a secondary happiness moment earlier with my mom. I drove her to the funeral home in an attempt to make things easier for her and to give her a break from driving. An almost wrong turn lead the poor driver behind us to almost pile off the road. Once we got home it took me forever to back her van into the garage. For some reason my mom found both of these events hysterically funny and laughed and laughed. It was nice to hear her laugh. She thanked me for making her feel so much more relaxed and safe while I drove (insert sarcasm). And laughed. Good intentions and all….

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Recycling run

Today’s moment of happiness was a backroads drive with my dad to drop off the recycling. It wound us down the road that we used to drive when my sister and I were kids heading to Pony Club   Back when Pony Club was awesome and we were all crazy daredevils doing things that would never be allowed now.

Having the quiet time to enjoy the beautiful drive with my dad was a very special happiness moment. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky all day.

The view from the recycling drop off. Moose Mountain.   

On the way home the kids and I had to pull over at the last hill before the house. When God makes a perfect day like this it is important to stop and breathe in the beauty. What an amazing place we live in.  

Earlier today, after the morning drop off,  I was driving that same drive with that same view when KISS came on the radio. 🎶I want to rock and roll all night….  🎶. I turned it up and had this overwhelming urge to hit the gas pedal as hard as I could and fly the road (I didn’t).  
What this urge made me realize though was what I really wanted. When I was a kid my favourite way of letting go was to get on Pirate and fly across the field at a flat out gallop. This was a tricky thing to do as the gophers dug their holes everywhere waiting for us to fall in. I actually did fall with a different horse and broke my nose so I have some respect for them. 

But, one year the gas company came through and put a dirt road to one of their new wells. When they were done, there was a perfectly long stretch of field that had no holes in it. Pirate and I used to go out there and race up and down that dirt road until we were both satisfied. 

Racing in the wind like that is a truely freeing living in the moment activity. I couldn’t  focus on anything else. There were no troubles that could stay with me. There was nothing but me, my yellow ball of fiery pony, the wind, and God   

Just drop the reins, trust that all is well and run. 

The best cure for what ails me.

I think it’s time to go for a ride. 

Here’s the field Pirate and I used to run in. 

 

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Putting down roots 

To be rooted is perhaps the most important and least recognized need of the human soul. – Simone Weil 


My cousin put this quote on my Facebook wall yesterday saying it was something that reminded her of me. A lot of time over these past few years have been spent figuring out what grounds me and what to do about it. 

What grounds me? I rediscovered last summer that this grounds me 

  
I remember laughing about this fact years ago when I was riding all the time the only stable thing in my life is my horses. Over the years I’ve thought about that statement and refined it (I was in my early twenties at the time and if you’d told me I would be moving away from Calgary I wold have laughed hysterically)

Being home grounds me. Home in the larger word than just a house. Home where family is. Home at the ranch. Home where I look outside and see the barn. Home where I walk outside of my house and the first sound I hear is the gentle zerbert sound of a horse sneeze. Home where little Melissa ran around and played with her sister and cousins in the same yard her mom played and in the same yard her grandpa played. 

Like roots attaching into the ground I can feel myself grounding back in here. A different and more purposeful grounding than I had before when I took it for granted. 

This morning while driving home from the school drop off I had to pull over and take in the view of the mountains. It was breathtaking and I felt my soul smile as I stood outside of the car breathing in the morning air. As I stood there I thought about being grounded and being home and sticking my roots in. 

  
But then when I got back in the car the song Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond came on the radio and it brought me to Rhode Island summers. We had some beautiful summers there at the beach and driving to Newport and to Boston   That song is the song they play at the Red Sox games and Jacob became such a Red Sox fan there. 

I realized we had left roots everywhere we have been in some way, shape or form. 

One of the churches in Roanoke had this on their sign: bloom where you are planted and it became a mantra of sorts for me during my time there. I tried (perhaps too hard) to bloom and flourish no matter where I was. I have to say though, there are certain conditions that are absolutely better for growth than others. 

Learning about Ayurveda has taught me that a lot of my sense of being ungrounded is a Vata imbalance. I knew this, I studied this. I practiced a Vata pacifying lifestyle   And yet no matter what I did I remained unbalanced. 

Calgary physically is about the most Vata aggravating  place on the planet. It’s dry, windy, and cold, cold, cold. 

I knew that a lot of my imbalance had nothing to do with anything physical. I could live in a Vata pacifying place, eat Vata pacifying foods, and practice Vata pacifying routines and it wasn’t going to solve my problem. 

My issue was and is spiritual   And it’s being balanced in this most Vata aggravating of places. Where my roots are.  

Happiness moment: a little couch nap this afternoon with Ella the Cat being a purr machine on my chest. Part way through she rolled over, leaned down to where Dottie the Dotted Dog was lying, balled her paw into an unclawed fist and punched her a few times in the head. When Dottie looked up, Ella rolled over on her back and cuddled up to me so Dottie knew she was missing something. They pretend to hate each other but they actually have a pretty special friendship. Shhhh don’t tell anyone. 

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Between the horse’s ears

 

Today was a double happiness moment   First of all the kids and I were invited by my extremely patient cousin to go help (and I use that word loosely) chase cows. Mostly we just sat and watched and then walked around on the horses. But since horses are my most favorite thing on the planet and it was the first time my kids were riding out by themselves on the ranch it most certainly was a huge moment of blissful happiness. 

When I was pregnant with Jacob we were part of a birthing and babies class. For the first year or so after they were born, our group would get together once a week for a play date. I became good friends during that time with one of the moms. I hadn’t seen her in at least 10 years though – ever since we moved away. Well tonight she had us and one other family from the group over for supper. We had a fantastic night eating supper, catching up on 10 years, watching our kids play, playing board games and laughing ourselves silly, and watching the Flames win (Go Flames Go). An extra special happiness moment and something we have missed out on for years. Just getting together with friends. 

As one more special treat, my sister and her kids are down for the weekend so we get special family time too. 

It was a blissful happiness day.  

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Recess

  

Jacob came home and said if we still lived in Roanoke I would be in school  until 3:30. Instead now I finish at 2:30 and I get two recesses every day!!

And I think that he’s right on by being excited. He used to get dropped off and go into school and not come outside again until the day was over. Now they have a morning recess and then one again at lunch time. You’re never too old for recess. 

I get stories every day now about what he’s doing at school and most of those stories happen at recess. It makes him bright and alive (full of ojas) when he’s talking about being outside with his friends. 

PLUS he gets to go to school camp this year! 

Happiness moment is the joy of hearing about the fun the kids have at recess. We should all take a recess every day and go outside and play for a half hour. 

I spend my recess on my walk or standing at the corral talking to the horses 

  

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