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happiness

The road to happiness is filled with tears and heartache

I think about what my concept of happiness was 3 years ago when I started this blog and where I am at with my journey now and I never imagined there would have been so much heartbreak and loss involved on this path. I took the month of February “off” to grieve and cry and be sad – but an interesting thing happened in that month – I actually came to a completely different understanding of what happiness is.

I had planned on just feeling sorry for myself and absorbing all the loss I’ve had in the last few years, but what ended up happening was I ended up really working on my spiritual connection. What I have discovered is my soul happiness, my peace, is coming through my connection to the Divine. I can tell when I am truly happy now – when I am listening to my inner guidance, following my instinct, living my Dharma, using the gifts that God gave me to shine my light.

I mean, I’ve known for a long time that the new shirt, book, song, whatever isn’t the key to happiness. And although having good and kind people in my tribe is essential, it doesn’t guarantee happiness either. What is bringing me a more peaceful happiness is the fact that I am settling into myself, I am deepening my connection to Source, I am learning to trust myself.

It’s a whole different game.

I had a very deep discussion with the girl today who is on her own journey to find peace and self acceptance. Personal growth and healing really should be more unicorns and rainbows – but it turns out the road is filled with tears and heartache. I mean, there are some rainbows (no unicorns yet, but one Drishti and that’s good enough), but it’s sure a lot bumpier a road than I had imagined.

On the other hand, I feel more like myself – probably than I ever had. I spend less time worrying about what other people think of me and my journey (I mean, I still worry about it – I’m a work in progress after all), and I am so much more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been.

In the first few weeks after mom died I really wanted to just quit this blog. I didn’t want to be happy I wanted to be sad. I am grateful I took the time to be sad – interestingly it is bringing me closer to the happiness and peace I have been seeking all along.

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happiness

Mario Cart

The boy and I had an epic Mario Cart tournament this evening. And by epic I mean I am so bad at it I didn’t even get a participation trophy.

It was so much fun – we laughed, swore, screamed, and he lapped me over and over again. I am really bad at this game.

I feel like we are getting to a different place – all three of us are kind of settling into who we are. There have been so many big shifts and changes but they all have brought us closer together.

It felt good to laugh until our tummies hurt. We need more fun time.

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Building strong

The kids and I started week 4 of our transformation program today. It has been interesting doing this along with them – I hear them thinking out loud about some of the things we have discussed as they are searching out snacks. When we have been in the grocery store they look at food and see how it falls in line with the goals they have set out, and it has changed what they’re asking for.

The results are starting to roll in as well. We all have lost some weight and all are feeling a little better about the choices we are making. It’s all about changing habits and behaviours and we are learning how to do that.

There was a sign in my old chiropractor’s office in Virginia that said “It’s easier to build strong children than repair broken men”. It’s a gift I hope my kids carry with them into adulthood – they are learning to value themselves – to know that they matter and are worth looking after.

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Another new normal

We had a family meal at the house tonight – moving into another new normal now that mom is gone. That house needs laughter and family in it, to me that is what our home is all about – a gathering place for our tribe. It was good to feel life in it again – good to have people who love us and love that old house together. We need to continue to build memories here, we need to continue coming together.

I spent some time this afternoon in gratitude for the tribe, for the family we have here. The kids and I are so blessed to be surrounded by these people who love us – whenever I feel like we are so alone all I have to do is look outside and see imprints of generations of our people, or I look at the walls of this family home, and I am almost overwhelmed with how lucky I feel that I have these roots.

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Areas communication competition

The kids were back at it again today with their speeches. The girl’s speech brought tears to my eyes – it’s an amazing speech anyway, so brave and powerful – but this time she was so much more confident and strong.

The boy gave a different version of his speech on communism and won!!! The way that kids talks with such confidence and clarity is amazing. Considering the introverted mom who is raising them, it’s impressive they can do this at all, forget the courageous way they can get up and talk.

I am so glad we are part of this club – in many ways it reminds me of how Pony Club used to be  when I was a kid before all the money and politics came into it. It’s because our club is small and full of really wonderful and supportive people. What a great place for my kids to grow and learn. Best of all the adults in our club are really cool, so I genuinely enjoy going to events and spending time with the club.

Who knew 4H was so much fun?

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Integrity and grievances

I’ve been slowly working away at the stack of things to do that have piled up over the last few months. I have absolutely no regrets about how I prioritized my time, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have a lot of catching up to do.

Something that kept playing in my mind as I was working this morning was how my dad used to talk about integrity. My dad lived with his heart on his sleeve, and it was important to him that people trusted him and that they understood that if he gave his word it was good as gold. He talked to me often about how you needed to live life with integrity – you had to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and be ok with the choices you made and the way you treated people.

And not only did he talk the talk, but he walked the walk. I learned from him not because of what he said, but because of how he lived his life. In fact, I was surprised after he died how many of my friends sent me messages telling me of times in the past when they had troubles and they’d called my dad to come help them out. Most of these I never even knew about. He was reliable, dependable, loving, and while not perfect – always did his best to show up for the people he loved.

Now that I am rebuilding my life I have the chance to figure out how I want to be in this life. I need to live with integrity as well. I have little people watching me and learning how they need to be in the world too. That’s a huge responsibility, but it’s an honour as well – that’s how our family values get passed down. They need to learn to love fiercely and unconditionally, and to be dependable and forgiving.

Forgiveness.

That’s something that keeps popping up in my life right now. The idea that I can’t be truly happy, truly at peace, truly free, while I’m holding onto past grievances. It was driven home last week when the boy informed me that he had decided he was going to hate his dad for as long as he lived. While I totally understand his sentiment, I don’t want him spending the rest of his life with that blackness in his heart.

Unfortunatly it seems the only way I’ll be able to teach them to forgive is to do it myself. I have a few issues with this. First off, it’s really difficult to forgive someone who isn’t sorry – who in fact seems to feed off our pain and suffering. There’s also a certain element of fear attached to the thought of forgiveness – in the past every time I have forgiven him he’s come back and hurt me 100 times worse. I’m still not totally sure how to forgive someone who continues to cause pain.

But, it’s necessary. It’s necessary for me, and it’s necessary for the kids. I need to learn how to do this so that they can as well. I figure how he treats us is his karma, but how we respond is ours. I can’t talk about making love based decisions when right I am living a fear based one.

I wish my dad was here. I miss talking with him. I miss him for my kids, I miss him for me.

On the way home, the girl took this photo – it’s like God’s hand holding light over our house

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Why am I not good enough

It was public speaking day today at 4H – something completely new for both of my kids. They both put in a lot of thought and work into their speeches over the last few weeks and I put in a lot of prayer and stress. All of the kids in the club did really well, and it was so cool how supportive they were of each other. How awesome to have such a safe environment in which to stretch and grow.

The boy spoke about the communist party – politics is something he’s passionate about and there’s nothing like talking about communism to get people talking. The girl’s speech was “Why am I not good enough – from a teenage girl’s perspective” which was so powerful it brought tears to my eyes.

Both kids qualified to go onto the next level. So next weekend we are off doing this all over again. I’m so proud of them both – of all the kids in the club – public speaking is scary and difficult and if they can learn this skill now it is a huge gift to their future selves.

The audio is terrible – so here’s a transcript of Why Am I Not Good Enough

One, take a shower you don’t want to smell.

two, pick out an out fit that will fit with the latest trends, and won’t make you the laughingstockof the school more then you already are.

Three, put on some makeup so you can actually show your face in public and be a little bit pretty. you cant even recognize yourself and your face tinkiles with an unbelievable itch you cant satisfy otherwise you’ll have ruined the hours of meticulous painting you applied to your hideous face.

Four, don’t forget to style you hair, you cant let everyone at school see how you hair is naturally.

Five, shove you fat feet into the pinching blood blistering shoes that everyone else is wearing and you cannot be the odd one out. As you gaze into the bathroom mirror you see a strenger that as somehow stole your reflection and repeated it with a completely different girl. Every part of you out fit is uncomfortable but even though you spend hours trying to look pretty you will never be as good as those other girls at school. You are actually holding back a few tears but you feel like you are holding back a tsunami of emotion you can’t let any one else know you that you feel otherwise they will never respect you the same way they used to, or did they ever? Why am I not good enough beauty is pain.

Six get to school.

Seven find a group of people you can walk with to class with bc heaven knows you can’t just walk alone, but you don’t even like these people they cuss and make dirty jokes a lot, and they laugh and make fun of you. You know you shouldnt hang out with them but hey they are the popular kids. And you just want people to like them. You are in the stocks as people throw judging tomatoes and hate heads of lettuce at your insecure little head. You can not stand up for yourself bc you are alone trapped and defenseless and you can not stand up for yourself bc these popular kids are like the royalty or the school and apprentice with they say and do goes. You take each comment each judgment each assumption each opinion each strange look each remark each criticism each review each report each assessments and whipp’d yourself esteem plum like a sinking ship. Down, down, down into the dark and dreary deps below. You look at all the other girls your mind racing a mile a minute I wish I had her eyes, I wish I had her hair, I wish I was a skinny as her, I wish I had her perfectly straight white teeth, I wish I had her social conference. Why am I not good enough? Life isn’t fair.

Eight get your work done. The only part of your life that seemed solvable is the actual schoolwork you take pride In your work. Bc it is possible the only things special about you. You do it to see the radiant smile on your teachers faces as they applaud your work, so joyful praise is the gentle rain that brings forth a magnificent rainbow. The radiant sunshine the brings forth the fealds of sweet daisies. One of the only things that brings you happiness but it is not popular to be smart. In fact you are seen as a nerd, too smart, too smart human calculator, brainiacs, geek, teachers pet, suck up and what ever wonderful name you can think of. Your peers jealously is a pollution that prevents a rainbow. The bulldozer that plows through the fealds of one golden daisies the in intangible object that crushes your happiness like a bug. A Are getting you nothing nothing but torment. Why am I not good enough? Just get over it.

Nine it’s the end of the day get ready for bed.

Ten undress and get your pajamas on. “Wow did I get fatter today?”

Eleven undo your hair “wow my hair looks like a mop.”

Twelve wash off all the your makeup “I can’t even look at my self.”

Ever night you think to yourself I just want people to like me. I just want to be accepted. But skipping meals and marking up your wrist isn’t going to fix that. You look at other girls wishing you were them, but other girls are looking at you and wishing they were you. Society infers girls have to have skinny waists, tan skin, long silky hair, perfectly straight teeth, big buts and etc. Society and furs girls have to wear tons of makeup to be pretty. Society in furs girls have to were skanky  loathing and do inappropriate things with boys to be “happy and considered cool.” but society is wrong you are lover you are precious, you are beautiful, you are talented, you are capable, you are deserving of respect you can eat that meal. You are one in seven billion and most of all you are good enough.

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Espresso and flowers

I had errands to run today and for some reason the boy volunteered to come along with me. Once we were sitting in the Italian Centre and he was sipping his espresso I understood why. Italian food con aside, I was really glad he came along with me – we haven’t had much one on one time lately and when I’m with him I get to really hear what is going on inside his head. As he was telling me about all of his life issues, questions about God and the Universe, and his favourite kind of food I realized how grateful I was that we have such a close relationship. It’s been a lifetime (his) in the making – but it’s exactly what I wanted when I had kids.

When I got home I was tired and kind of feeling bleh (please not the flu) and the girl met us and said that my cousin had been by and dropped off some flowers to cheer us up. I needed those flowers, it’s gross out and I’m feeling emotionally exhausted.

Thank goodness for this tribe.

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Focus on my Drishti

I need to spend more time with my horse, he is my Drishti in every sense of the word. He is what balances me, connects me to the Divine, brings me peace and joy, and reminds me that miracles are possible.

In yoga when you focus on your Drishti, the chaos and noise of the world vanish and through your pose you are able to connect to the Source of all that is love. That focus is what brought me to him, that is what he does for me now.

I’m trying to sort out what I want for my life – how do I want it to be? Who do I want to be? It needs to be very intentional moving forward. I feel like I’ve made most of my life decisions based on what will make other people happy. Now I need to figure out what makes me happy and live life that way.

Nothing is permanent, nothing is guaranteed, but I am determined to fill my life with people and moments that bring me joy. If this very second isn’t the moment to experience bliss then when is the time? What if tomorrow doesn’t come? I can’t put off my own happiness, and I won’t do that to my kids – they need to learn how to embrace life too, they’re watching me.

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Family time

Today was the first day in weeks that the kids and I have had to ourselves. We’ve needed the support and the people surrounding us with love, but today we needed to be just us.

We talked out some feelings, shared memories, laughed, cried, and cleaned the house (holy what a mess it became).

As an introvert it’s really important for me to have quiet time to recharge and I feel like I had some of that today. I’ve let myself get out of balance, I need to take better care of that.

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