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Canada Day

This is the  second  year in a row that we have been home to celebrate Canada Day. Already we have started making new traditions. My sister and her kids, me and my kids, and my cousin’s kids start the day off by driving up to Canmore to watch the parade. I hadn’t been right in the mountains since last summer and it felt so good to be in the warmth of them and receive a mountain hug. My spirit is drawn to those mountains. I find peace by being in them. Today we also found candy, clowns, and water guns in them.  It was awesome. 

  
After the parade we go to the annual Canada Day party at my great aunt’s house. Here I got to visit with old aunts and uncles that I don’t get to see often enough. Today I had a long visit with my uncle Harvey. He and my aunt held the Pony Club at their place when I was a kid and a lot of my best childhood memories are from that era. It was also the place where I learned to be courageous and brave even when I was terrified. Amazing the bravery you can find trying to keep up with those really brave big kids. We did everything from sleep in silos to jump terrifying cross country jumps. Loved every minute of it. It absolutely helped shape me into who I am today. 

Of course before we left, the kids and I had to run out in the field and take out annual weird picture at aunt Irene’s. 

 
I am so glad incredibly thankful to be back in the fold of our tribe. I am even more thankful for the fact that we have this tribe. My happiness moment s for today was celebrating Canada’s birthday with my family. 

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Summer vacation. 

I have the best job in the world (for me). Ten and a half years ago when I gave birth to Jenna I left my career as a teacher and became a full time mom. My husband and I made an agreement that he would pursue his career (and he’s got a great one that  provides wonderfully for us) and I would be the full time parent. It’s certainly been a job full of challenges – babies crying, sleepless nights, having a single income family, supporting kids emotionally through many moves – but I truly believe it was the job I was put on the planet to do. Being their full time mom has without a doubt made me a better person. 

Full time motherhood has led me to search for who I really am as well as what I am here to do (my dharma). The kids still look to me for Love, for answers, for support, and guidance. Being able to fulfill those needs for them has lead me to have to have a much better understanding of what my core values are and how I want to help guide them as they become adults. 

Perhaps the biggest drawback of my job is the financial insecurity. As in the fact that my paycheck each month is a big fat zero. Even though if you asked me what I want to do or be when I grow up (ha!) it would be exactly what I am doing, there is huge financial risk involved. Then I think about my spirit and how this job that I’m doing is making me a better person, a kinder, more loving, and deeply spiritual person. And how at the end of the day that’s a huge reward in itself. I tell myself to continue to have faith in the knowledge that I’m doing what I was put here to do in this moment and time, and to be grateful that I can do it. 

We have finally started summer vacation and in my opinion this is when the rewards of my job are the greatest. I get to just hang with the kids instead of rushing to school or some activity. I get to see how funny and kind they are as they relax into summer mode. 

This is the time when I get to see who they really are. And I have to say, I love hanging with these monsters. Even when they drive me bananas. I love being with them.  

Dual monster happiness moments today: went to town with Jacob for his haircut. We rarely get time where it is just us so I really cherish those moments. Jenna and I cooked dinner together. She made her famous vegetable smiley face tray. Happiness. I am blessed and so thankful this is what I get to do. 

  
There’s carrot eyeballs under those long pepper eyelashes 🙂

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Emotion soup

I had another one of those *kick you in the gut* moments last night. I felt so blessed and thankful to be at Jacob’s graduation, and for him to have a cheering section of family watching him walk the stage. He’s had that extended cheering section missing from his life for 10 years. I am so proud of him. He’s worked so hard over the past 8 years and it’s sometimes been an overwhelming struggle (for us both). And, here he was graduating from middle school and proudly walking across the stage.

Because it’s a christian charter school, the ceremony involved prayer. At the very end of the ceremony, family came up behind the graduates and laid hands on our loved one as the teachers prayed for them individually. It was so moving and so spiritual, and I was so joyful to be a part of it. And yet…

The last time we laid hands on someone was during Dad’s last communion. The last time we all stood together and held hands in prayer was after he died. Suddenly I had this overwhelming feeling of loss. I was so sad that Dad wasn’t there to see Jacob graduate. He was so proud of him. He loved him so much. He wanted so badly to watch Jacob grow up.

So, I stood behind Jacob bawling my eyes out. Difficult to do with a dress on because there weren’t sleeves to snork into, nothing to wipe my eyes with. So, I just cried. And missed Dad. And praised Jacob for the fine young man he’s turning into.

Gut punch.

Today’s happiness moment: I got stuck behind a little old lady driving the back road into town this afternoon. Driving behind someone slow on a gravel road forces one to drive slow and far behind so as to not eat dust the entire way. Because of this slow drive I noticed that the wild roses are flowering in the ditch. I love those wild roses. This is the best time of the year to be in Alberta.

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The sound of silence. 

Today has been a feel gross day. I’m not sure if I’m sick or if I am just feeling like emotional crap. Either way, the result is the same. Blah. Actually, I’m hoping it’s the result of some emotional junk moving through me from my energy work and my yoga. I’ve started a new session of Healing Light Yoga Therapy, which is restorative yoga and is the most wonderful thing for my soul. But it often gives me some yuck along the way. 

So, I’m dealing with the aftermath of my phone in the toilet. If bad things come in threes, I had it last night with the skunk, the phone, and the barfing kid. I have a good warrantee though and for a couple of hundred dollars, by tomorrow or Wednesday I’ll have a new one. But, for now I live in silence. 

I have discovered that the level of silence I can tolerate is directly related to my level of anxiety. The higher the anxiety the less I can handle total silence.  No noise means having to listen to the small voices that are telling me I’m stuck in a bad place. Since moving home, my anxiety is so much less I barely even think about it. But, I discovered today that I’ve still been filling more silence gaps than I realized. I’ve been doing this by either messing around on the Internet or using music to fill the quiet. 

On the way into town this morning,  Jacob and I were half way in before we realized the car radio was off. When we did, we both commented on how nice it was to enjoy the quiet, appreciate the scenery, and relax into the silence. The sound of silence is a beautiful thing. It’s also where all my big thoughts happen and my profound emotions come from. My moment of happiness today was that drive into town with Jacob. 

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Father’s Day. 

I wasn’t sure how this day was going to be, it’s been about three and a half weeks since Dad died. Too soon to be ok with a day dedicated to celebrating Dads. In some ways it was harder than I expected (they sang Amazing Grace at church. That hymn always does me in). In many ways it was better than I expected. 

Most of the morning I felt like curling up in a ball and just crying. I couldn’t pinpoint my exact feeling but it was generally crappy and sad. My cousin brought us to her church and much as I didn’t want to be there (because it was interfering with my crying time)  it was a good thing to be out and around people.  They were having an end of the year celebration and it was good for me to be around people enjoying life. 

I came home and had a two hour nap, which was also good for my soul. I have been exhausted lately and that rest time helped to recharge me. Dealing with all these emotions is a very tiring process. 

The day finished  with a Father’s Day supper at my cousin’s place with her husband and kids, my mom, aunt and uncle (whom I used to call uncle dad as a child), and a family friend. The great thing about my family is they pick up and take care of each other. 

It ended up being a really enjoyable night. Which is how it should be. I figure as long as we have the ability to feel joy and happiness we should be living it. It was enjoyable even though the Dotted Dog got sprayed by a skunk (oh yeah, that happened) and when I came home I forgot I’d stuffed my phone in the back of my pants and it fell in the toilet ( I discovered just how attached to my phone I am). Thank goodness for my warrantee. 

I know today was just one of the hundreds of days left in my life that I’ll miss dad, but I really missed him today. Between Jacobs birthday and Father’s Day I’ve really felt his absence. I can still feel his love, but oh man I miss him like crazy. 

I am so thankful for all the time he spent with me, the patience he showed me, the love he shared with me,  and the lessons about how to live in this world that he taught me. Thank you, Dad, I miss you dearly and love you always. 

My happiness moment for the day was sitting at the table eating supper at my cousin’s house. Feeling the love of family around, missing dad, but happiness in remembering the kind of loving, involved dad that he was. 

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Bored outta my mind 

Since having kids I have spent hundreds of hours sitting and waiting for them while they’re participating in one activity or another. If this sounds like complaining, it’s not. My mom spent probably thousands of hours driving and sitting while she watched me swim, skate, play tennis and badminton, and by far the biggest time vacuum – horseback riding (which included brutally early mornings and brutally cold weather a great deal of the time). Sitting and watching my kids is my gift to pass down to the next generation. 

But, more than that, I really enjoy doing things with my kids and I love watching them have fun. I think one of my favourite kinds of happiness isn’t one that’s centered around my own happiness, but the kind of happiness that comes from knowing I facilitated happiness in someone I love. 

Today we celebrated Jacob’s birthday. He and Jenna went with their two cousins (aka partners in crime) to Shakers – which is a family fun centre. They spent the day go karting, rock climbing, playing laser tag and messing about in the arcade. They laughed, ran, giggled, sweat, and everything in between.  I sat and watched them and read my kindle. We were there over 5 hours. By the 3rd hour I had hit boredom, but I was so happy watching them have fun that it didn’t matter. The happiness I felt giving them the gift of the joy they were experiencing was so uplifting and gratifying. I love my little monsters and they have brought me so much love that whatever I can give back I am happy to do so. I am so grateful for the time I have to share with them. 

Today’s happiness moment. Listening to those four kids laugh and watching them run and have fun with each other. That’s what it’s all about. 

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Ain’t it fun…

I know we have all changed in some ways in the short time we have been home. Some of it has come through struggle and heartache. I had several moments in the last weeks of Dad’s life where I knew deep in my soul that what I was living in that moment would change me forever. Not all those changes are a bad thing either. Sure, there’s the broken feelings of missing Dad, but there was a certain strength I found during that time – and a special bonding with my mom and sister as we held each other close. That strength I will carry with me on the next part of my life journey. I got to know myself a lot better and discovered that I had a much deeper faith and love than I ever knew. 

I also see changes in the vibe of our household. The kids are happier being home – they love running across the yard to visit cousins, or to visit nana, or to visit the horses. Jenna spends hours riding her bike up and down the driveway and running up to the barn to see the cats. Jacob can play with his cousin, and gets to ride the sit down mower all over the place. 

I can see the happy house vibe in the pets. Ella the cat has gone from being a true scaredy cat – hiding at the slightest noise and not allowing anyone to hold her for long – to being the happiest, calmest, most cuddly little furball around. She purrs her way all over the place and is usually happily flopped in a sunbeam right in the middle of the house. 

Dottie actually smiles. If you didn’t know that a dog could smile then you need to see my Dotted Dog. She has gone from a contained, leashed life, to one of freedom. She runs around my yard, she runs out into the field. She runs behind the barn. She’s like Forrest Gump, she started running and she hasn’t stopped. Often when she’s running about she tears up to me and gives me a hige grin before taking off a full speed again. To me, she represents the freedom we have all found  since returning home. 

Today we had a massive thunder storm – the kind where the entire house was dark and the windows shook. After it was over, Dottie ran outside for a while. When she came  back in she was covered in mud, had the biggest happy grin on her face, and dropped a horse hoof (the trimmed part – farriers must have been here) at my feet, and danced around. Once I got over the gahhhhh so much mud to clean up moment I took in her happiness and realized that was my happiness moment for the day. It embodies everything good about being here. Freedom and fun. 

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New year, old friends 

 Today my baby turned 14. Considering the fact that I’m still having trouble adjusting to the fact that I may actually be an adult it amazes me that I have a kid who is 14. Old enough here in Alberta to have his learners license. He went and took the test and even though he’s studied hard he will need to go back and write it again. 

Last night Jenna was so excited that her brother was turning 14 she stayed up late and crafted him some birthday decorations. 

  

His dad called first thing this morning and we were all able to participate as he opened his presents. He was surprised with some new headphones. You know, the kind of things that are important at 14. Who am I kidding? I’d be happy with these headphones at 44. 

As a wonderful birthday bonus he was able to run across the yard to Nana’s house and see her first thing in the morning. Of course it made me miss Dad even more, but I hope he was watching down and smiling today as Jacob takes one more leap towards becoming a wonderful and kind man. 

  

After attempting his drivers license we went to see his Grandma for some birthday hugs and to pick up his present. How grateful we are to be back around our people. Then zipped back home for sushi with Nana 

  

After supper we were joined by a cousin for cake. Because having a friend makes any occasion more fun. 

Celebrating this day with Jacob was a happiness moment without a doubt, but I had a completely different happiness moment as well today. This morning I met up with an old friend for tea and a visit. I’ve known her ever since I was little; little enough that I don’t remember meeting her. We did Pony Club together for years and years. Then we hit our party girl years (oh my) at the same time, in a small town, so we ran together then too. But it’s been at least 25 years since we’ve seen each other. We’ve both grown up (kind of) and are married with kids, which we both found hysterical. 

The excellent thing was that it was like no time at all had passed. We talked about old days, caught up on parts of each other’s lives that we’ve missed, laughed, and shared gossip about people we both know. Before I knew it three and a half hours had passed and I had to leave to take the kids out for Jacob’s special birthday lunch. 

I can’t remember when in the last 15 years I’ve sat with one person for three and a half hours and just talked. What an incredible gift to be able to share that kind of time with someone. And someone that knows me so well that although we had to learn about the newer parts of each other’s lives, we knew all the basics already. I am so grateful for that time and it ranks high on my list of happiness moments. Hopefully there are many more of those to come. 

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