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Board games 

it was a cold and rainy day here. The kind of day  that is best spent curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book. I didn’t get to do that as much as my body was calling for, but I did sneak a little time studying my eyelids while Jenna watched Full House after school. Some day I hope to perfect napping like Ella the cat. 

  
I had some energy work done today which was very powerful and very tiring. There’s lots of old blocked garbage hanging out in my lower back and hips that I am finally ready to let go of.  My goal is to get stronger and healthier as I age and I’m making progress towards that goal. It’s not always easy nor is it fun, but the rewards are so worth it. This version of Melissa is so much stronger and peaceful and loving. 

After the Full House / snore-fest Jenna and I played Spontuneous, which is a board game that requires singing. So, a game we can only play in the privacy of our own home with no one else around. When we’d finished that game we brought our train game over to my Mom’s place and the three of us sat around and played. This was definitely my happiness moment for the day. A little bit of fun, a little bit of normal. We need that. 

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Your vibe attracts your tribe. 

  

I found this quote on Elephant Journal yesterday and it touched my heart. I feel like the most recent part of my life has (among a few other things) been focused on finding my tribe. I have noticed without a doubt that the vibe I’m on affects the tribe I attract. 

I am so thankful that I have changed my intention to that of happiness and health. It has  purified the tribe I am with. With a clearer understanding of what I want and how I want to live my life I find that I am attracting happier and healthier people back into my tribe. 

Being with the tribe I am building now makes me want to dance like the women in this picture. That feeling has been years in the making and has taken a lot of deliberate focus to achieve. I am grateful for it every day. 

When I was a kid and it was birthday time for a member of the family, we had a running joke that the dessert would be rhubarb. It started when my sister and I were little kids and it continues to present day. What kind of cake are we having for my birthday? Rhubarb. We are having rhubarb for supper. And dad made SOUR rhubarb. Not rhubarb crisp, but plain, stewed rhubarb. 

Today my sister went out to the garden, picked some rhubarb and stewed it. After supper we had an impromptu present giving for Jacob’s birthday which is Thursday. The kids got all excited wanting to know what was for dessert and my sister started laughing. Rhubarb. Except this time it really was rhubarb. The happiness moment today. 

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Leave no one behind. 

I remember thinking several times in the weeks before dad died that there were some big things going on here and I’d better remember them. Well, considering what a pivotal point in my life it was, it is amazing how many things I have forgotten or blocked from my memory. I’m glad I’ve been trying to write some of it down. 

One thing that has really stuck with me is how my mom behaved when my dad was sick. She later told me that when dad got his diagnosis a few years ago that she told him he wouldn’t have to go through this alone. She said she would stand by his side and hold his hand through all of it. And that she did. 

She went with him to hundreds of treatments, doctors appointments and lab tests. She lay awake beside him at night making sure he was comfortable. She grabbed a hold of his hand at the beginning of this journey and never let go. Ever. 

I learned a lot about how my family treats sick people watching the final months of my grandma’s life 11 years ago. She was loved and cared for right up until the end. There was some family always around her, and at the end she was brought home to my parents’ place (her old home) to die. My uncle and aunt made sure care was provided for her and her hands were held in love the entire way through her journey. 

It was the same with my dad. Mom made sure someone was always with dad; that he didn’t feel too alone and scared. He didn’t go to hospice until the day before he died and I think of that time at home with him that last week as being a very difficult time, but one where I learned how incredibly strong and loving and courageous my mom, my sister, and I are. When the people you love are down, you reach out and hold their hands.  No matter what. I learned this from walking this path with my mom. 

There have been times in my life where I have been down and stuck that hand out for help only to have that hand trampled on and discarded. It’s easy to pull that hand back in and stop trying to be connected. But, this experience has reminded me of the importance of having those people in my life whose hands I can hold through it all. What a blessing. Having the courage to hold someone’s hand through the hard times, even when you know it will lead to heartache is one of the most courageous and difficult things you can do. 

Tonight we went out to Montana’s for supper before going to Jurassic World. Jacobs birthday is next week so this happened and trust me, it was the happiness moment today. 

   

 

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Reacting to karma 

The other day I read a quote that went something like how people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours. It’s been floating around in my brain ever since, but I had the opportunity to put the quote into practice today. 

I was driving to pick the kids up after school. Late as usual, driving on the gravel road. The speed limit is 80km/hr and I was doing it. I came around a corner and someone (whom I gave some choice words to in my head) pulled out of a drive about 5 feet in front of me and were doing maybe 15km/hr. They hadn’t stopped before coming onto the road and if they saw me they didn’t care. Slamming on the brakes on a gravel road can be tricky and I floated across the rocks for a little bit muttering some choice words. 

There is a chance they didn’t see me, but the more likely option is that they did and they didn’t want to get behind me on the gravel (the dust). They kept themselves at a very slow 50 km/hr while I was stuck behind them. 

At first I was mad. There are too many ignorant drivers, and I do seem to attract them. But then I went back to the quote that had been floating around in my head. How they were acting was their karma. They had to look themselves in the mirror at the end of the day and be right with how they had behaved today. How I was reacting was my karma. It wasn’t making me a better person muttering fickity flick flick and shooting them looks of death from my driver’s seat. 

I need to remember that I always get to choose how I act and how I react. No matter how other people treat me. How they behave is their issue, and I can only control my own behavior.

Still not happy at being cut off, I was happy to have had the opportunity to think that quote into practice. It made me change my reaction and change my behavior. 

 It was a beautiful sunshine day. My happiness moment was my morning walk with my Dotted Dog. I was thinking while walking about how in Roanoke I started my happiness moments and had to look really hard each day to find one. As I was walking and letting my brain run, I noticed that my thoughts were full of things like its so beautiful here, I am so happy to be home, I love it here. Happiness. 

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Ashes to ashes 

We picked up Dad’s ashes today. I am discovering that there are a lot of things about cremation I hadn’t thought through. But here we are, and we will hold hands and walk together through this part as well. 

I spent some time trying to figure out where to put the ashes in the car. Do I buckle them into the front seat? That felt weird. I decided on the trunk. Weird but hopefully safer. I felt kind of bad putting the ashes in the trunk of the car, and worried I’d get in an accident….. I’ve watched way too many bad sitcoms making fun of cremation mishaps I suppose. We made it home safely I’m happy to announce and I avoided any of those awkward moments. 

Even though I was completely pro-cremation and had been certain it was what I would want for myself, the reality of it is turning out to be much more emotionally difficult than I would have thought. I understand we are not of the body. I understand that the Dad part of Dad left the building way back at the hospice. However, the reality that the body now is also gone seems to be a little much. Like he was just erased or something. 

I don’t know, I suppose I will work that through in my heart at some point. It does interfere with my heart’s strong denial that Dad is anywhere but out for a walk, or out in the garden. Alive. 

Dad’s ashes had to stay at my place for the afternoon. It wasn’t until after supper that I packed up my laundry and the ashes and headed over to Mom’s place. I was standing in my yard – laundry on one hip, urn balanced on the other side – looking behind the barn where they were chasing cows, and then looked up at the sky and said just so you know Dad, this tops the list of the weirdest things I have done. Then I walked over to the house talking to him the whole way. It was weird and nice all at once. 

Today my happiness moments were served to me three ways: physical, emotional, and spiritual. 

When we came home from school I lay down on the couch to rest for a minute and ended up studying my eyelids for an hour and a half. Not only have we had an exhaustingly emotional few weeks, but I don’t  have blinds on our windows yet and it’s only dark from 11pm to 4:30am. Not enough sleep time. The nap brought me physical happiness. 

After supper I went for a walk along the ridge. It’s where Dad used to love to walk. Not only did I feel closer to him, but I had some awesome walking companions. My emotional happiness: 

   

The view from the ridge. 

 

When I got back from my walk Jenna had done some chalk art expressing her feelings about her Grandpa’s death. It gave me spiritual happiness.  

 

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I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m not ok, I’m fine ….

That pretty much describes my emotions lately. I think I’m ok, I act like I’m ok and then suddenly I’m not ok. 

Today my sister, the kids, and I went to Spruce Meadows. One of my happy places. It’s changed so much since it used to be one of my haunting grounds back when I was showing. It’s grown and become much more of a family place. While this is a good thing for them, I still love just going and watching the horses jump. I don’t need anything else. Jenna made me feel like I’d failed as her mom when she said oh Spruce Meadows… The place with the dogs?  

So we went and did some kid things and then we went and watched some jumping. We were happily watching when a lady in front of us tripped on the stairs and fell face first down on the ground.  She lay there for a long time while they waited for the paramedics saying that she had done something to her hip. There were  people there helping her and the situation was under control so I had nothing to do but watch. Which I had to do since it was right at my feet. 

I was sitting there watching her be looked after by caring and competent people and I was totally fine. Then all of a sudden I was in blubbering tears. Just watching this scene unfold brought up so many emotions. It made me realize how completely emotionally raw I am and how little it takes to set me off. 

As my sister and I have decided that  when people ask how are you?  We respond by saying I’m fine. Fine being Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Just FINE thanks. 

I know things get better, but sometimes I feel normal and then the reminder of Dad’s death sneaks up and kicks me in the gut. 

My happiness moment today was at Spruce Meadows, and while I certainly had happiness moments watching the horses, my moment came lying in the shade on the grass by the kids’ playground. 

 
Just lying there and looking up at the sky. A moment of happiness.  

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The simple things 


My Dotted Dog loves chasing anything with wheels. The lawnmower is one of her favourites because she can get so close to it and really give a few good growling barks. I don’t know what it is that she thinks she would do if she caught it, but she sure loves the noisy chase.

Her appreciation of this simple thing personifies my happiness moment of the day. We spent the afternoon cleaning up the yard. Jacob mowed the lawn, I dug up the flower bed, Jenna pulled out the hammocks, and Dottie chased the lawnmower. It was all so simple, and yet so satisfying.

Our vegetable garden is starting to come up. As I was digging my flower bed I was looking over at it and remembering when it was put in. It was the Mother’s Day weekend and Jacob planted it with his uncle while his Grandpa watched. Three generations focused on that garden. Dad loved to garden – both vegetable and flower. I miss digging in the dirt beside him while he figured out exactly where he wanted everything. It brought him so much joy. But it brings me joy too – and this year we will have an awesome garden. Full of beautiful memories.  Lovely in it’s simplicity.

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Branding 

Every year out at the ranch  they have community brandings. As a kid I remember looking forward to them for many reasons – the baking and getting the afternoon off of school ranking high among them. Now I look forward to it as a way to spend some time visiting with  family in the community. As the years have gone by, I am no longer as excited to get right on there and wrestle the calves – in fact today I took a great deal of time selecting my outfit  which included completely unpractical sandals so that I would be able to remain on the outside. 

Jacob and Jenna however were right in there. The last time we were at a branding was when I was pregnant with Jenna and Jacob was almost 3. I was commenting to someone that it was Jacob’s first time and as soon as the words were out of my mouth men were called into give them a hand and explain how things were done. 

  

They got it. 

  

Help was always close by, but they did their job. 

  

Jenna’s job was to mark the calves after they’d had their shots. 

 

It’s a pretty special family experience and a part of their heritage. I was so thankful there were all these patient adults who stepped in showed them how to do things. Including the adult who called out the other adults trying to be lazy saying: don’t you be taking any more of those smaller calves. You need to save those for the kids. Come on!! Be fair man. And then a few good natured hand gestures after that. 

My happiness moment today was being back in the fold of the family, watching the kids learning the same way I had as a child. I stood with my childhood branding partner (my cousin) and we relived our memories of being in the corral trying desperately to grab a hold of a calf (and how rarely they left the small ones for the kids in those days). We had some good chuckles remembering out adventures. 

I missed having my Dad standing beside me taking pictures – I had to actually remember to take some myself. But, I think he would have been happy that we were out there with friends and family having a fun and normal day. 

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Peace in the midst of the storm. 

Today was one of those days where I am so grateful that I am actively searching for moments of happiness. It has been an emotional day. A bed opened at the hospice and Dad left the ranch to be cared for by the loving staff there. It’s a beautiful place, it’s where he wanted to go, it’s better for his care, and yet… my heart still wants him at home. 

When he left it was the perfect send off from his favourite season from his yard where he has spent so many moments of his life. His tree was in full blossom, there was no wind, the birds were chirping – it was a beautiful moment. Except for… 

Thank goodness for the moments of happiness. A farmers market was on just down the street. We went and got food, we strolled around, it was sunny and everything was blooming. We went to the park. Things got silly. 

 
Man I love that kid. Normal happiness in the midst of a super emotional day. Peace in the midst of the storm.  

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Sitting in the morning sun 🎶🎶

Today was a perfect Sunday day. It was warm and clear, the mountains were putting on a show, the birds were happily singing away in the yard – loud enough we could even hear them over the busy weekend highway traffic. 

I had a quiet moment to sit out there with my dad. 

 
We didn’t have to do anything. Just sat and looked west. My favourite view in the world. Sat and listened to the kids running and playing in the yard. It actually wasn’t all that windy. I think it was warm. I’m still adapting back to the Alberta climate. 

And then this happened 

  

Gotta watch out for that  lawn mowing teenager having too much fun driving up and down the yard. 

A quiet and simple moment of happiness. And yet sun a powerful one. 

Proof that life happens in the little moments. 

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