Tag Archives: law of attraction

happiness

Safe place 

I have realized over the past couple of weeks that even though I strive to provide a safe environment, even though I have worked so hard to feel safe and to make the kids feel safe, that in fact we are very insecure in our feeling of safety. I believe we are safe here, but I think because we were unsafe for so long that those fears are hiding not far beneath the surface.

Although I was very conscious of the fact that we actually were unsafe when we were living that life, I had no choice but to stuff that feeling as far down as I could and try and keep moving ahead – not only for myself but for my kids too. I didn’t realize until lately how fearfully unsafe they felt during that time as well. I don’t know what I could have done differently, but I wish they didn’t carry that burden as part of their life history. Now that there has been some time and some healing I seem to need to go back into that space and acknowledge the fact that there was no safe place, no grounding, that it was in fact a very scary time. I wasn’t making it up or exaggerating it, it really was that bad. I have journals of that time that make me cry whenever I open them (which isn’t often – too much pain).

I went out for a walk today and without consciously intending to, ended up at my safe place. This is the place I visualize when I need to stop, breathe deeply, and imagine where I am when I feel safe. It’s a spot that is filled with decades of my footprints. Skating, swimming, walking, horseback riding – I’ve been here with loved ones, on my own, with my horse, with my dog. It’s my sacred ground. It’s funny, when I was away I spent time in my memory on many parts of the ranch, but not often here. It wasn’t until we were back and I was out walking that I remembered how much of my childhood I had spent in this spot.

I realized as I was standing in my safe place, taking in the security and the beauty of my surroundings, that I need to come to a safe place within myself. I think one of the hardest things to heal has been the fact that I lost faith in myself. Part of that was years of him telling me what a stupid, useless piece of crap I was, part of that was me not listening to my intuition, not trusting myself, and instead following someone who I knew was not being true to me. I lost faith, or the ability to trust myself, and that means I couldn’t feel safe within myself. I am learning to have faith in myself, I am learning that I can trust in the fact that I can look after myself and my kids. I will get to that safe place within myself.

And until I do, I need to remember that I have this place that lets me know what safe feels like. Being there is pure happiness.

It’s Canadian camouflage – the dotted dog and the grey horse

 

Our swimming/skating spot

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The Globetrotters 

Tonight the boy and I went to see the Globetrotters – first time for both of us. 

They were awesome and the perfect way for him to celebrate the end of basketball season. 

We smiled and laughed all evening long. 

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We have waited a long time for this happiness moment. I found a Groupon and bought  the tickets last October. It was well worth the wait. 

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End of season

Basketball season came to an end tonight. They have their all every single game. It actually looked like maybe they were going to win for a while tonight. But even when it didn’t they continued to play with heart and with class. 

I’ve learned a lot this year watching other coaches and other parents. Our coach is the one who has taught our boys to play with class and integrity. All the way through he conducted himself in such an admirable way. Such a good example for the boys. 

Happiness moment today was watching my boy sprint out on the court and play his heart out. He’s gained so much from this season.  

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Cheering each other home

I’m sitting at a basketball game watching both sides play their best. Our boys have lots of heart, but struggle to compete against a lot of these other teams. I have been impressed with them all season – even when the score is obviously defeating, they never give up. 

The opposing team was cheering for their players. One of the younger siblings for our school started yelling over them let’s go thunder over and over. 

Something interesting happened. The stand remained silent, our team remained silent, the opposing team started to smile at this enthusiastic boy and started clapping along with his cheer. The opposing team!!!! And they weren’t making fun of him, they were genuinely enjoying it. 

That’s what sportsmanship is. I am  so impressed with those kids. That is happiness. 

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Take a back road 

We had some unpleasantness to deal with this morning in the form of having to get things lined up to take to my lawyer because Mr. X is refusing to cooperate once again. Shocker, I know. 

The decision was made to counter that yuck with some happiness. So we took a back road and enjoyed the beauty of where we live. 


We headed to Nanton and then did a beautiful scenic drive around the area. I mean seriously, paradise. 


And I think we found a house that is older than ours….


It calmed all of our souls. The kids make fun of me because I’m always going on about the mountains, but I heard them gasp more than once – and I was told to pull over so they could take in the scenery a few times. I love that they have such a deep appreciation for the beauty of where we live. This is what make my spirit happy. 

Happiness may not mean that things are perfect all the time. But we can choose to keep looking for the happy moments. There are always some to be found. 

I love this little family, I love my extended tribe, and I love where we live. There is a lot of peace and gratitude in all of that. 

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Our refuge


As you may know, we have been really struggling this week. I have felt like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders as I have tried to provide a safe place to fall for my boy while he’s in crisis, and the girl too who is pained as she watches her brother suffer. It’s been overwhelming and I have really struggled knowing what is the right thing to do. I have also been incredibly angry- angry at how things have turned out, angry at the person who caused this trauma, angry at this whole situation. Anger isn’t going to get me anywhere, I am well aware of that, but it’s been my companion this week nevertheless.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty lost. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry – tempting but not an option. I said a little prayer (ok, I yelled at God a little bit) and asked what I was supposed to be doing? What do I need to get us through this?

We got our lazy butts to church – a little late – but we got there. The sermon was about how God is our refuge.

God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble

Of course.

You know, there has been a lot of crap go down in our lives over the past few years. Every time I have tried to *do* something it’s either made it worse or nothing has happened at all. But, when I have stopped everything – and I mean everything –  and prayed, miracles have happened. We have had small miracles and some really freaking big miracles happen to us over the past few years.

I kind of forgot I had this place of refuge and strength.

I have kept coming back to the words of the therapist last week – that healing can’t happen when we don’t feel safe. And as long as Mr. X has any say in things he will do whatever he can to make sure we don’t feel safe and can’t heal. And I have been running around trying to put out the fires he sets while draining myself of everything I have in an attempt to make us feel safe. But, the only time that burden has ever been lifted, and when we actually do feel safe, is when I have handed it all over to God.

He is our place of refuge and strength.

Sitting in church with the two people I love most in the world while we were reminded that we already had the keys to our place of refuge and strength – that is happiness on such a deep level. We will keep healing, we just need to remember that we have this place of refuge that is with us no matter where we go.

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Calm the chaos

We kind of managed to stop the world for a little bit this afternoon and my family took some time to come together and calm the chaos. One thing the three of us have learned is how to love and support each other no matter what. It is really a pretty amazing thing, love and support in a way I never thought would be possible. 

Things seem calmer and more grounded. We still need to hold tight to each other, but I think today did a lot to provide security. 

The courage and love my kids have is amazing. It gives me the strength to keep moving ahead. That is happiness, on a very deep and spiritual level. 

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Breathe through it. 

The boy has been dealing with a lot of anxiety issues in the last few days. His coping skills are getting better, but it frustrates me that even after all this time there is still the insecurity there.  He is so good about letting me in and sharing where he’s at. I believe it’s what is going to not only see him through this but make him an even more incredible soul. 

I know exactly the source of the anxiety, and it frustrates the hell out of me that there isn’t anything I seem to be able to do to make it better for him, but we will continue to hold space for each other and be strong. 

After a few panic attacks at school today we spent a few hours just bumming around town before his game tonight. I could see him relaxing and coming back to himself.  The fact that he can do that is pretty impressive. 

We went for his favourite meal before the game and sitting there together gave us a really good opportunity to talk and share where we are at. This relationship we have grown – it is happiness 

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Family Day 2017

My understanding of what a family is has certainly changed over the years. I so badly wanted what I considered a traditional family – mom, dad, kids, dog, cat, horses, happiness. That didn’t work out so well for me. We are our own little family, and a pretty happy and functional one at that, but it wasn’t how I had imagined life would turn out.

Being a single – or solo – parent is hard work. There has been so much emotional turmoil that we all have gone through and the recovery and healing from that is substantial. At least one time a day something comes up that triggers some kind of pain in my children (or in myself), and sometimes it takes all the strength I have to deal with it. And I have to deal with it always as the only adult in the household – which means no one to bounce ideas off of, to discuss strategies with, to lean on.

I have discovered the three of us have incredible strength.

I feel like we celebrate the fact that we are a family all the time, but today is Family Day and it makes me appreciate what we have even more. Even with the hard times (or maybe because of the hard times) we are so incredibly close. I have a relationship with my children that is better than anything I could have ever imagined.

That is what real happiness is.

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