Today my girl came with me and we played horse with a long time friend of mine.
It’s really cool to see how Jenna is so natural with horses. She loves them and they love her. It has always been the thing that makes my soul sing and that grounds me, and it’s huge happiness to share that with her.
The girl and I went to Bragg Creek and had lunch at Creeker’s Bistro for the first time – definitely a place we will go back to. We sat in the corner (as is our usual MO) and talked about little things and stole food off of each other’s plates. Normally I have a full on ban on people taking food from my plate – or my taking food off of their plate – but Jenna somehow has managed to make that rule not apply to her. She’s been happily stealing my food since she was born.
When we were done we each had a little sweet treat which was delicious, but we both decided was more than we had really needed (although we really enjoyed eating it). As we were driving home I lamented that with the dessert I had eaten too much and that I was going to regret it later. Jenna quipped back “I ate too much as well, but I’m not going to worry about it – that’s Future Jenna’s problem”. It was so unexpected and funny I laughed until tears were rolling. Then she found it so funny that I was laughing so hard she laughed until she was crying as well.
It’s these little moments that make up the big memories. This is the stuff we will remember. This is happiness.
Both the boy and I have had some pretty intense bouts with anxiety. I decided a few years ago that I was willing to do anything I needed to in order to stop the constant panic attacks I was having (ironically that has lead to my living a completely different and happier life now than the one I was trapped in back then, funny how that works). I have had to learn many different coping skills, as has my boy.
One of the greatest things we both do is meditate. I hate it – I love it. Sometimes it is so very difficult to force myself to sit quietly with myself, with my Source for 20 minutes and just be. But after I do it I always feel so much better. And the more consistently I do it, the more it pays off in my every day life.
The boy texted me today that he was having some anxiety triggers come up. Before I could suggest anything he told me he was heading off to meditate. When he was done he not only told me how much better, calmer, more grounded he felt – but he sent me the link of the meditation he did on YouTube and told me that I needed to do it as well. I can’t believe that my 15 year old boy sends me meditation links. I love that. All of the work we have done to learn how to make ourselves feel secure and grounded is paying off. He knows how to identify the feelings of anxiety and is learning how to calm them.
I have been feeling a little anxious the last few days as well, and I have been doing much the same thing – meditating, calming, grounding, laughing with friends. It is a world away from the helpless feelings of panic and fear that I felt years ago. I still get fearful, I still want to panic, but I have this deep sense that I am doing exactly the right thing, I am doing what I need to do, following my dharma.
That is happiness.
For the first time in ages I took my Dotted Dog out for a walk along the ridge. It was still pretty windy, and a little muddy and icy, but it was certainly nice to get outside and spend some healing time in nature. It’s been a few months since I have done this particular walk and I forgot that as soon as I got to the spot where we had scattered some of Dad’s ashes I would have to stop and cry. It was blowing so hard that the wind took away my tears almost as soon as they were out of my eyes. I wonder how much longer it will be before those tears come without warning. Dad would have loved the walk along the ridge tonight.
I go on all the time about how happy I am that we are home and how much I love it here – but seriously… look at this place. I am grateful every moment of every day that God brought us back where we belong. We are home, we are safe, we are loved.
Today I met with an agency to discuss children who could participate with Celebrate Every Child. I had to give a little talk about myself and how it was that the idea, the dream, for this project came to be. It was pretty emotional as I had to put myself back where we were a year ago when we were in such a scary and uncertain place. I had just filed for divorce, our finances had been completely cut off, I was in the process of discovering so many painful things about the life I had been living. I had to go back even before that to the life we lived where there was so much pain and fear, so much hurt and sadness. And then I got to talk about how my tribe stepped in and helped me and my kids when we were at our bottom, when we had nothing. I got to talk about how the kids and I were now at the point where we wanted to pass on some of the blessings we had received.
They loved my idea of giving birthday parties to children who because of family circumstances would not get one, they agreed that every child deserves to be celebrated. I am one huge step closer to seeing this dream become a reality. This is such huge happiness I am at a loss for words to explain how grateful I feel. I think this is something that can make a big difference to children who really need some happiness in their lives.
The girl and I have had a really nasty stomach bug for the last couple of days so things have been pretty quiet around here.
Tonight though, our super chill cat Abu got on the counter (where she does not belong) and spilled over my pot of special honey which ended up all over the counter and all over Abu.
So poor Abu had to tub, and poor Jenna had to do it. She sat in the bath giving sad little cries, but because she’s Abu she was not scratching or fighting. Her brother Aladdin got really upset and kept peering into the tub to see if she was ok. Even her arch rival Ella came to see what was going on (this may not have been an act of kindness, we aren’t sure).
I am constantly amazed by the love that Abu and Aladdin have for each other, and the love they show us. They came into our lives at a time when we really needed them and they continue to be an incredible blessing. They are happiness.
I always avoided team sports like the plague. I loved the partnership I had with my horse, but I never really got into being part of a team.
I have learned a lot watching my son who is so drawn to team sports. It hasn’t left me with a huge desire to go out and join one myself, but I am understanding more and more how important and fulfilling they can be.
They had a game tonight and I walked into the gym when they were all standing in a little huddle.
It’s cool to see how they all support each other. Sure, there are some conflicts but they have to work them out so that the team can succeed.
My boy really needs this and he thrives in this kind of environment. And that is happiness.
We had an amazing sunset here tonight. I love these mountains – happiness.
The sermon at church today was about the race marked out for you. Meaning we are all here to run our own individual race, we can’t run someone else’s race, can’t run ours the way someone else does, can’t compare our results to that of the other runners. Our journey is ours alone to walk with God and we have to listen to how He wants us to walk it.
This was big for me as I have spent years trying to live my life to make others happy – even when I knew that it was causing my own soul pain and taking me away from my spiritual path. These past few months I have really felt things like up in a way that they never have before and I’m feeling like I’m walking the right path. Honestly, a lot of it has to do with my decision to not give a f*ck about all the things that used to bug me. They were all distractions from my journey and took so much time and energy away from what I need to be doing.
I’m finding I make myself go to church lately even when I don’t feel like it because his sermons always seem to hit exactly what I am struggling with at that moment. I consider our decision to start attending regularly last fall one of my greatest blessings. It has opened doors and put me back on my path.
Happiness
Today my mom and I looked at old photos of both of our childhoods. It was fun to see hers as most of the photos I had never seen before. Cool to see how she really does look so much like my sister and also one of my cousins. Fun to talk about some of my childhood events (and a huge heart hug as I saw photos of our beloved cat Torts – he was a cool one).
And there in the photos was an old friend I haven’t seen in over 40 years – ever since he went missing on a family trip. My old blankie. I loved him and was devastated when he got lost. It was a wonderful happiness moment seeing him again.
After what feels like a long break the kids and I did our Friday night shopping trip at the Italian Centre. It’s one of my favourite parts of the week. The boy has his list of meats he orders to make his favourite sandwiches and there’s always lots of other yummy stuff to look at.
This week I got figs. I love figs and was kind of sad when I had to leave my beloved fig trees behind when we left Virginia.
The boy sat and had an espresso with an older Nono type gentleman and they discussed Italy and what constitutes a good coffee. That was happiness. It was cute to watch them together.
