happiness

Seafood and Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is still kind of a bittersweet holiday. I love being celebrated by my kids, but I sure miss my mom.

I was really grateful that my cousin and her family invited us over for supper tonight. My girl went over early and spent the afternoon helping cook the feast. She did her speciality – lobster bisque – and together they all put together quite the feast.

I am so thankful that we are part of this tribe

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happiness

Driving on the lawn

I have a few really good memories of my grandpa. I don’t have as many as I’d like since he passed away when I was 7, but the memories I do have really impress on me that he must have spent a lot of time with me when I was little.

I remember a few occasions when together we’d commit one of the biggest sins – driving on the lawn. Back then there was a carport where the garage now is, and sometimes grandpa would find a reason why, instead of backing down the driveway, we would have to drive forward over the lawn.

I have this memory of he and I giggling like mad men as he’d say boy is grandma ever going to be mad if she catches us and we’d race across the yard in his truck.

More than 40 years later I found I still have that same thrill as I had to drive across the yard this afternoon.

Grandparents are special. I’m so grateful my parents put in so much effort to build a relationship with my kids – those memories will carry them a lifetime as well.

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happiness

Swans, snow, and highway clean up

We had our 4H highway cleanup. Our club had been really lucky and we have a great (and quiet) highway to clean. And showing how awesome our community is, we had several non member volunteers come to help us out since we are such a small club.

The weather was less than ideal, but the kids were great sports about it, and we were actually done quite quickly.

After we joined together for lunch, laughs, and visits.

The slough on the way home was full of swans – happily swimming even though the snow made it feel much more like winter than springtime.

I feel so blessed to be part of this community.

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happiness

(Don’t) stop and collect yourself

I had a riding lesson today. I was tired, I had a crappy night sleep and I’ve got lots on my mind, but horses are my therapy and I knew I needed the healing time.

I was having a hard time holding him properly in the trot. On one transition I felt totally unbalanced, and basically like I was riding like a sack of crap. I tried to right it, felt myself getting off balance, it felt sloppy, I was annoyed with myself that it wasn’t going how I wanted, so I pulled him back to a walk.

My instructor got after me see, you dropped him and he fell into a walk. I said no, I’d felt like it was all falling apart, I couldn’t get it together, so I asked him for the walk so I could stop and get myself together.

She said you don’t get to stop to get it together, you need to get it together while you keep going. YOU ARE NOT A NOVICE AT THIS. The only way to actually get where you want to go is to keep pushing ahead.

And I was like

You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that.

My horse may be my therapy, but my instructor is like my life coach.

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happiness

Soccer in the snow

The boy had his first away game today – with all the snow we’ve had things were a bit wet but at least this last round of rain/snow/thunder held off until after the game.

His team tries hard, as goalie he works hard and feels the brunt of any time the ball goes in the goal.

I am always impressed with the heart of this team, they keep going and trying their best. It’s a good life lesson in not giving up. You may not be winning, but if you quit you’re for sure losing. There were no quitters in the field today.

But there was a guy carrying a lot of red flags which made me giggle. I need to learn to pay attention to red flags haha

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happiness

Put on a happy face

I feel strongly that in order to truly feel happiness one must also feel all the other feelings. Inside Out did a great job of explaining that for us all and the movie was instrumental in learning to grieve properly after dad died.

So in the midst of gratitude, love, and peace, I also have this intense anger. Like I’m mad as f*ck.

And I need to acknowledge that. I refuse to be Facebook happy – you know where everyone pretends their life is perfect. Gratitude is essential to life, and I am happier than I was last year, happier than 4 years ago, and so much happier than 5 years ago when we were still trapped in that life.

But still, shattered pieces remain of that old life.

I’ve spent the last couple of months dealing with my lawyer again. We are having to take Mr. X back to court. Not only is he almost 70k behind in payments, he’s refusing to pay Section 7, and he’s refusing to say how he will he helping pay the boy’s tuition next year. The boy has worked hard to get into his program and it’s devastating for him that instead of an I am proud of you, son; that I have to take Mr. X to court.

Here’s the catch. If he refuses to pay his share of the tuition the boy won’t be able to go to school (he doesn’t qualify for loans since his dad earns so much money – haha what a joke that is) and if he doesn’t go to school, Mr. X doesn’t have to pay child support. You see where this is going right?

I had a conversation a while ago with someone who said to me that solo parenting must be so difficult since I never got a break.

I responded with, no- that’s not the hard part of it. The hard part is that my kids don’t have a dad. That is the hard part. The hard part is that the man who is supposed to love and protect them is hell bent on destroying them.

And my happiness moment is that inside all this anger and hurt and frustration- I know we will be ok. I know love will win, I know they are fantastic human beings who may be struggling with after effects of trauma, but they are absolutely amazing people who shine love into the world every chance they get.

Over and over I feel like The Who’s in Whoville – we will keep singing and we will keep healing.

And I will keep standing up to him.

I have to. My kids deserve better. So do I.

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