happiness

I am

The last few days this song has been playing in the background of my mind noise. When I meditate and am more quiet it plays loudly in the forefront. Clearly I need to pay attention to it.

It’s simple and yet incredibly powerful. When I sat down and played it today immediately surrounded by animals and slowly surrounded by kids who just sat and listened.

I am.

We all are this.

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happiness

Luau

We saw the Lion King tonight. I have spent hundreds, maybe thousands of hours watching and acting out this movie with my monsters over the years. It was their number one most loved movie without a doubt.

The new version was good, but not as good. Probably because it doesn’t come with all the memories… and this song

Apparently we aren’t allowed to say fat anymore so it was switched out for chubby. Personally I think chubby is more insulting but what do I know? And Luau is my favourite part of the movie…

It was still a really good movie and we listened to, and sang loudly to, the soundtrack all the way home.

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happiness

Horsefly!

It was a girl day at the creek, well girls and horseflies. We are loving the summer weather and so grateful for the time to enjoy it.

Being by the creek is one of my soul happy places, I can feel myself relax and regain balance just by sitting beside it.

The horseflies made it a bit of a challenge, although they seemed more intent on biting the girls. I’d hear a scream horsefly then see them dive underwater.

Summer is magical

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happiness

How it is

I was driving with the girl today and we were talking about a cousin of mine and his family. I said how I thought he and his wife are such great parents, how they’ve worked really hard at creating their family.

I said you’d be lucky to have parents like them, I think they’re really great people.

And the girl said I love them, I love to visit them. But I really like how our family is. I like that you’re our only parent. I feel like I’m lucky to be in this family.

And I stopped and breathed.

So often I feel badly for the kids, I see the lack, I think of my dad and want that kind of parent for them. But she didn’t see a lack at all. She loves our family as it is. And you know what? I do too.

We finished off the day at the creek. The best part of summer. And filled with memories of my dad, so it was like he was there too.

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happiness

Laugh like you’re a kid

We had an awesome family fun day at the creek today. It’s one of my favorite places in the world to be, and I got to be there with the people I love.

And things like this happened

The girl and I went on an off-roading version of this that had me laughing for a good 20 minutes straight.

Not just happiness, but fun too!

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happiness

Two years ago

Two years ago today I went out for a lovely evening ride with my niece and ended the evening in urgent care with a shattered shoulder.

I didn’t know then that I was entering one of the most difficult phases of my life.

And now here we are. On the other side. Or if not the other side, no longer stuck inside the hurricane.

I have learned to much about grace and love and forgiveness in these last two years. I’ve been humbled, helpless, strong, scared, brave, happy, sad. I’ve lived the deepest of any emotion and learned to embrace all of who I am.

It’s been intense. But so beautiful and sweet. 🦋

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happiness

Grow from what we go through

Last night before bed, after I’d written my blog, I read something that put words to what I was trying to express yesterday. I was trying to say that embracing the shadows, the shadow part of myself, my life, of other people, and the world in general is imperative not just for healing but for peace.

Marianne Williamson says We are acting out our anger and our fear because we are not facing the depth of our pain…. yet we seem to have great resistance to looking at our lives, and our world, with emotional honesty. And I think we are avoiding more than pain. We are avoiding the sense of hopelessness we think we will feel when confronted by the enormity of the forces that obstruct us. Yet, in fact, it’s when we face the darkness squarely in the eye – in ourselves and in the world – that we begin at last to see the light. And that is the alchemy of personal transformation. In the midst of the deepest, darkest night, when we feel most humbled by life, the faint shadow of our wings begins to appear. Only when we have faced the limits of what we can do, does it begin to dawn on us the limitlessness of what God can do. It is the depth of the darkness now confronting our world that will reveal to us the magic of who we truly are. We are spirit, and thus we are more than the world. When we remember that the world will bow to our remembrance… 

These are times that challenge our spiritual assumptions, as the power of darkness seems to be taunting us, demanding, “So where’s all this love you believe in now?” The answer is that love is inside us, just waiting to be unleashed. The darkness is an invitation to light, calling forth the spirit in all of us. … that’s the spiritual meaning of a situation: not what happens to us, but what we do with what happens to us and who we decide to become because of what happens to us. The only real failure is the failure to grow from what we go through.  (The Gift of Change) 

That’s why I feel like it’s time to embrace my shadow side, to not be afraid of the darkness, to accept what happened and to know that it is part of my spiritual growth. But that growth can only come from embracing the darkness as much as I embrace the light.

And in a “life still has happiness moments” moment, I was blessed to spend the day with my boy. Our schedules are so crazy lately I barely see him and I was so grateful he set aside a whole day just for me. It feels like not so long ago I was registering him for kindergarten, and now he’s off to post secondary in the blink of an eye. And the girl? Well, she spent the afternoon braving the freezing cold of the creek with her cousin – also an important moment of happiness.

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