Tag Archives: love

happiness

Gardens and girlfriends 

We went to Buchart Gardens this afternoon and enjoyed some amazing spring colors and smells. I have fond childhood memories of wandering the paths with my sister, my parents, and my grandma – now I share those with my kids. 


Then we had supper and a visit with one of my dear girlfriends. She’s one of those special friends where time can go by, life can change, but when we get together it’s like no time at all has passed. I consider her to be a great blessing in my life. People like her not only bring me happiness, but are happiness. 

It was a good day. 

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The next step

I signed my final divorce papers today. Assuming he does the same, that part will be over and done with very soon. I felt incredible relief as I put pen to paper and let go of years of hope, fear, distrust, shame, loss, and sadness. It is over and I don’t have to ever go back to it again. Thank God.

I told my lawyer at the end of our meeting you know, three years ago I was going to bed with a can of Raid wasp spray beside my bed for protection because things were so volatile I was afraid of what could happen in the night. Now I live back around my family and I get to ride whenever I want, we are safe and our whole lives are different –  and I showed her a photo of Drishti and where we live. It was a pretty amazing moment to just let those feelings of the last few years of my marriage, the last year of the divorce, and the understanding of where and who I am now flow through me. A lot has changed.

I had to stop by my accountant and give him a letter from the lawyer about support payments. He said the government wants detailed accounts and that sometimes it can be a battle. I smiled (he knows enough of my story just from seeing my tax info filled with court orders) and said one thing I’ve learned over the last year is I’m not afraid anymore to go to battle – it’s what I do. He then said the kindest thing – well just know that this battle you won’t be going into alone. I’ll be there with you and you will be just fine. I mean, really there’s nothing to battle – I have all the documents to prove what I need, it’s just the difficulty sometimes of dealing with the tax department. Thank God I found this man, he has helped me sort through things for two years now with such kindness and patience.

I have learned two things over the last year. One is that I want to be completely independent and rely on no one for anything ever. The other is that I would not be where I am if I didn’t have the support of the people who love me and if I couldn’t have depended on them for help, love, and support (emotional and financial).

I could never survive without my tribe.

I thought there would be more sadness today, but I think all the sadness happened when I filed for divorce and was admitting that things were never going to be how I wanted them to be. Today there was just happiness and relief. It is the start of a new era, I get to make a new path, hope for a better future, build a new life.

 

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Allowing anger 

I discovered today as I was flying down the dirt road playing music as loudly as my stereo could handle it that I was feeling really angry. Not just mad or upset, but beat things with a baseball bat angry. Not as a lifestyle, but as an emotion that is passing through me.  And I had to sit with how I felt about that for a while.

But first- why am I angry?

I did my taxes this morning. Well, to be honest some kind man did my taxes for me. Between what I have spent on legal fees and what I owe I taxes it covers almost all of the support I have received from Mr. X. And my lawyer informed me that I spent over 65% of my legal fees just forcing that man to pay support.  

As this realization hit me on the back road – that I was crazy angry – my first impulse was to dismiss, stuff down, or deny that feeling. But that is what the old me does –  now I am working at allowing all the feelings to come and go – the good ones and the bad ones.

We lived in a house where it was not safe to have any feelings. If there were angry ones we got raged at for being angry, if there were hurt or scared ones we got raged at for that as well. But the good feelings weren’t allowed either – if things were too good or we were too happy then rage would come to make sure we didn’t ever feel that we deserved to have happy feelings. It’s enough to make one end up feeling emotionally numb. And it certainly left me feeling scared of having any emotions.

But, I’m angry. And it’s ok to be angry. Because it’s not going to turn me into a angry person, it’s not going to define who I am. I’m just angry.

And, actually I’m not even angry anymore.

Why?

Two things happened.

One is I read my devotional this morning from Streams in the Desert and it told me this (which I held close to my heart all day):

Once our eyes are opened by God, we will see all the events of our lives, whether great or small, joyful or sad, as a “chariot” for our souls. Everything that comes to us becomes a chariot the moment we treat it as such. On the other hand, even the smallest trial may become an object crushing everything in its path into misery and despair if we allow it. The difference then becomes a choice we make. It all depends not on the events themselves but on how we view them. If we simply lie down, allowing them to roll over and crush us, they become an uncontrollable car of destruction. Yet if we climb into them, as riding in a car of victory, they become the chariots of God to triumphantly take us onward and upward. 

There is no way I’m letting that chariot run me over if the other option is to hop in and let it take me for a glorious ride. I’ve been feeling run over lately, I forgot there was another choice.

The second thing was that I came home and healed my soul with Drishti. I left the home that my great grandparents built and we now live in thanks to my uncle and aunt, passed the barn my grandpa built, walked by the field where my cousin keeps her horses, to my Drishti who came into my life thanks to a gift left by my godmother, and rode him out to the field where the swans are – a place that we have enjoyed as a family for generations (and one that particularly brings back really fond memories of my dad). I realized how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am. The kids are safe and happy and are getting to live this amazing childhood in the fold of their family. I am safe and happy and living an amazing life in the fold of my family. I have my Drishti to keep me sane and focused. Everything else is just noise.

I will not be run over.

So, in a weird way, honouring that anger brought me to happiness. It brought me through the angry feelings, allowed me to experience them and understand why I had them, and it allowed it to move out. I was able to balance myself in the happy life that I have created and remember how incredibly much there is to be grateful for.

the view through Drishti’s ears

the swans as we rode by

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He kissed me 

I went out to ride Drishti this afternoon only to discover him full of kicks and snorts because of the wind. Having no real desire to die this afternoon I decided to just play with him instead – I groomed him and lunged him and then just hung out with him while he ate. 

This  stuff is just as important as riding – it builds our bond and lets us get to know each other better. 

Interestingly enough it’s also building a bond between Drishti and Dottie 


Tonight I went out to check him and put his blanket on (because it’s supposed to snow tomorrow ugh) and when I was done he put his head in my face and face me a big slobbery kiss. 

He kissed me 

I’ve kissed his face lots but this was the first time he kissed me back. 

Oh I love this guy – this is happiness. 

Bonus happiness was the boy was there and saw it and was completely grossed out I let a horse slobber on my face. 

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Friend time 

I had a coffee date with a dear friend of mine. I’m really understanding the older I get how important that tribe of girlfriends is. And I’m so lucky to be back here where I have friends who have known me forever. 

This friend and I have shared some of the same struggles and embraced a lot of the same growth over the last few years and it’s so nice to chat with someone who just gets what I’m going through – the good and the bad.  That is true happiness 

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In the field 

Drishti and I made it out of the corral for a real ride in the field today. This was kind of a big deal as it meant I felt confident enough that I wasn’t going I fall off and die in a pile of cow poop (what a terrible way to go). 

It was awesome. We walked and trotted around the field and even though I’m sure he couldn’t see the point of it he happily took me wherever I wanted to go. He’s perfect and exactly what I prayed for. He does so much good for my soul I can’t even explain it.  But parts of me that were missing are back and whole again.  Happiness. 

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Softball started

Today was the first day of softball evaluations and finally after missing two years because of family issues the girl is back at playing. This is her sport. She not only loves it but is quite good at it as well. I loved seeing how excited she was this morning as we were getting ready and even more watching her play. 

We all should follow our passions. 

I am so happy for her that she is following hers. 

Another happiness moment of the day was a community party celebrating the 50th anniversary for some family members. I love this tribe.  I love that people find someone to share their lives with for that long. 

This was how I finished off the night which also made me happy and grateful for where I live 

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This is Drishti

Sometimes gifts really do come from heaven.

This is Drishti. I have prayed for him to come into my life for years. In the dark times, and even in some of the bright ones, I wasn’t sure how it was ever going to be possible for me to have a horse back in my life again. But, I kept praying and praying.

And then literally this gift from heaven came to me in the form of Drishti. Those of you who know me know what a big deal it is to have a horse in my life again. Having that bond and friendship with a horse is what makes my soul whole, it is the easiest way for me to find God, it completes me.

This week I have closed off one major chapter in my life in the form of divorce papers being finalized, and I have reopened one that makes my soul overflow with joy.

Watching my daughter hug on him brought back all the best memories of my childhood. I have spent hours in these corrals and in this barn playing with horses, and here we are again doing the same thing. And he’s such a love!

I am so happy I am unable to even express how I feel. It’s surreal. Two years ago yesterday we landed back home and have been so slowly rebuilding our lives. Drishti reminds me of who I am, who I was. He is my focus, my intention, literally my drishti.

If I had to paint a picture of happiness it would look exactly like this. This is what happiness to the core of my being looks like. This is what moves my soul.

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The life changers

I realized today that two years ago the kids and I had just said goodbye to our life in Virginia and were on our way home to live… back where we belong. We ended up having to spend the night in Seattle due to some weather issues, but we were on our way home. So much has happened in our family in that time: pain, sorrow, joy, faith, laughter, family. It has been a season of great change. I am starting to feel like the person I was before, and I think the kids are starting to figure out who they are now.

At the very least, we are safe in this life.

At the very most (is that a thing? It should be a thing) we are making bonds with family, planting roots where we already had some growing, making new friends and deepening connections with old ones, healing, growing, learning to fly, settling into a new normal of life.

Today was a good day. A couple of HUGE happiness things happened for me today which I will share down the line. But, let’s just say…. I found my Drishti… I have kept that steady, focused gaze for years… I have had faith… it has coloured how I see the world… I have found my Drishti.

I also, out of complete frustration after a crappy day yesterday, sat down with my Streams In The Desert devotional book and read today’s entry. Honestly I only read it because I was kind of frustrated and pissed with God because it felt like he wasn’t really listening to me. Basically what I got was to calm myself and chill for a bit, that He works in His own time.

Today we may be unable to see the final outcome of the beautiful plan that God has hidden in the shadow of his hand. It may be concealed for a very long time, but our faith may rest in the assurance that God is still seated on His throne. Because of this assurance, we can calmly await the time when, in heavenly delight we will say “all things have worked together for good.”

We should be more careful to focus on learning all of the lessons in the school of sorrow than to focus anxious eyes towards the time of our deliverance. There is a reason behind every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will certainly come. Then we will know we could never have served in our place of higher service without having been taught the very things we learned during our ordeal. God is in the process of educating us for the future service and greater blessings….. 

Don’t steal tomorrow from God’s hands. Give him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late. Learn to wait.

Got it.

And of course today was a day of things falling into place and happiness falling into my heart… my Drishti, my focus, is clear and it’s mine and that is happiness.

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A day at the zoo

The kids and I went with a dear family friend to the zoo today. It was the first time in ages we had gone and seen the animals – I haven’t been since before the flood. It was kind of chilly but it actually made it perfect as there were barely any other people there. 

When the boy was little I used to take him a few times a week to the zoo – it was our thing and it has lots of good memories. I was kind of surprised at how much the kids still enjoyed it now. 


It was just simple happiness – together with our friend enjoying the day. One of the small happiness moments that make up the big happiness memories. 

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