Tag Archives: love

happiness

Feet on the ground

I spent a lot of time today taking about faith and life and other good, deep stuff. First with a cousin/life long friend and then with the boy. It was almost like one conversation flowed into the next one even though they happened hours apart – it was pretty cool. 

I need those kinds of chats that let me explore where I am in my faith and how other people see theirs. 

The boy summed up our anxiety issue well tonight. We were talking about horses and basketball and how they ground us and open our spiritual paths (horses for me, basketball and other sports for him). He said it’s true what they say – depression is worrying about the past, anxiety is worrying about the future. We need to find the  things that help put our feet on the ground right now in the present moment and live in it. 

Wise words from a 15 year old. 

That’s what today did for me, and what I’m working at balancing into – finding the things that keep my feet on the ground and focusing on the present moment. 

My tribe. It’s full of  awesome and wise people. Happiness. 

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Grounded in love

We are in crisis, there is no other way to put it. Full out, white knuckle, crisis. We have been in crisis for years where our security and safety was an issue, then the upset of my dad dying, the divorce and all the ache that has brought, and then we circled right back to the safety and security issue, to the crisis and the well being of a child. 

You need to feel safe in order to be able to heal. Because the issue of safety is treated like a game, healing continues to be almost impossible. We have made lots of steps ahead, but things like what happened to my boy last weekend come along and it’s enough to flatten him. Whether the threat is real or not, his fear is. This is the aftermath of living with a narcissist who rages and destroys safety. Crisis. And I can’t just wave a wand and fix it. 

This is a happiness blog, and this blog has pulled me through some real shit and it will continue to. Happiness isn’t always laughter and Disney animals. Sometimes it is remembering to look for the rainbow in the storm. 

We are at the gym, the girl and I were on the treadmills and the boy is playing basketball with friends. It’s happiness. It’s happiness because we are home, we are rooted, we have a community, we have support. We are grounded in faith, we are grounded in love. That gives hope, and happiness can come from hope. 

So those of you who read this, please pray  or send healing light for my little family. We need some extra support right now. Thank you ❤

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Honey cat

The girl and I have had a really nasty stomach bug for the last couple of days so things have been pretty quiet around here. 

Tonight though, our super chill cat Abu got on the counter (where she does not belong) and spilled over my pot of special honey which ended up all over the counter and all over Abu. 

So poor Abu had to tub, and poor Jenna had to do it. She sat in the bath giving sad little cries, but because she’s Abu she was not scratching or fighting. Her brother Aladdin got really upset and kept peering into the tub to see if she was ok. Even her arch rival Ella came to see what was going on (this may not have been an act of kindness, we aren’t sure). 


I am constantly amazed by the love that Abu and Aladdin have for each other, and the love they show us. They came into our lives at a time when we really needed them and they continue to be an incredible blessing. They are happiness. 

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Blankie!!!!

Today my mom and I looked at old photos of both of our childhoods. It was fun to see hers as most of the photos I had never seen before. Cool to see how she really does look so much like my sister and also one of my cousins. Fun to talk about some of my childhood events (and a huge heart hug as I saw photos of our beloved cat Torts – he was a cool one). 

And there in the photos was an old friend I haven’t seen in over 40 years – ever since he went missing on a family trip. My old blankie. I loved  him and was devastated when he got lost. It was a wonderful happiness moment seeing him again. 

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Laughs and love 

I and an early morning email that pushed me much further towards seeing Celebrate Every Child come to life. It’s funny, I decided I wanted to see this impossible dream come to life, and by completely disregarding the how and just moving ahead on faith it seems to all be falling into place. That is love in motion, that is happiness. 

I had lunch with an old friend who has been dealing with very similar issues in the last year. We get each other because we’ve known each other forever, but also now because we have seemed to found ourselves on paths that not a lot of other people seem to be on. And the fact that we are both horse crazy allows us to talk horse without anyone rolling eyeballs. That is laughter happiness. It’s also love happiness. We talked about how important our tribe is and how we would never be able to hold it all together without the support of our people. 

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In our own way

We have been really struggling in our healing process the last couple of weeks in our little family. I’m not sure why it is now that these issues are here, but they most certainly are. 

The kids have had several memories pop up bringing with them lots of questions and it’s meant a serious dose of anxiety for all three of us. 

Interestingly, not long after they started coming to me with questions and memories I found an old journal. It was one I wrote during the time we had the fight that ended our family (as it is now called). Sometimes I feel like maybe I’ve over exaggerated some of the things that went on in ourbhome, like time has made them more extreme than they were. Well, let me tell you… that is not the case at all. It was incredibly painful to transport myself back in time and relive the hurt, fear, terror, confusion, and many other things that were swirling around at that time. And to know that it went on for years… that this is the childhood they look back on… breaks my heart. 

Sometimes (like all the time) I feel like we should be over it all ready. We are home, we are safe, we should be fine. And yet we are not. One little thing happens and someone is triggered and we have to hold on for our lives to keep our balance. 

And then I remember that this is our healing journey. No one else is living it besides us, no one else gets to determine the path it takes. I’m learning every day to have faith that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. It’s tiring and tearful and I want to just be done with it, but we need to honor the process and give thanks that we are in the healing part of it. 

Happiness tonight was watching the boy play his basketball game. Every time he’s out there I see his confidence grow. He is such an amazing young man and has incredible strength. It brings me such joy to see him finding himself, knowing that he is in a faith filled spiritual journey of his own. 

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Part of the community 

We had our community general meeting tonight and I volunteered to be on the board (or was elected or whatever the proper term is). I did this years ago, before we moved, and it was a great way to get to know our neighbours. I’m thinking it will again as we are settling back in. 

Our community is pretty special, given that we are almost all related or our t families have been here for well over 100 years. There’s a unique bond that comes with that and I’m so grateful to be a part of it. 

It was happiness getting to see some neighbours I haven’t seen in a while. It’s happiness knowing I can give a little back to the community that has been so good to me. It’s happiness knowing this is our tribe. 

It is where we are from 

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Birthday Boxing Day 

Some of you may know that Boxing Day is my favourite day of the year. I love it because all the stress of Christmas is over and you get to lie around and enjoy family time. 

Today was the Boxing Day of my birthday and it also was a favourite day. I went out for lunch with a cousin – and had the added bonus of running into another cousin and nephew who were at the same restaurant for a brief visit. 

We had a wonderful lunch, enjoyed great food – and more importantly enjoyed each other’s company. We are walking very similar paths, albeit in different ways, and I love sharing and learning with her. It’s sacred time. 

Supper tonight was with that other cousin and nephew and some of the extended family. The nephew has his birthday the day before mine and I love sharing life celebration with him. I was thinking tonight as we were sitting around the table how incredibly blessed I am.  God gifted me into an amazing tribe and if I ever took it for granted before, I certainly don’t now. 

Today was a day filled with big happiness moments. Lunch, laughs, cupcakes (really awesome ones from my sister), delicious food, home, family – this is all I need to make me happy. Because what all of that represents is love. And we have a lot of that here. 

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Faith or Fear

A year ago tomorrow I had an appointment to see a divorce lawyer. I was so scared and feeling vulnerable and completely blindsided. I had no idea what was ahead, all I knew was that the decision he made to sever finances from his wife and children was going to change our family and the rest of our lives.

The first couple of months after I filed for divorce were completely filled with fear. But the battle of fear vs faith was one I was familiar with. Years before when I knew that my life needed a change I sat quietly with God and realized that either I trusted Him completely or I didn’t. After having tried extensively to fix my life myself (and failing brutally), I handed it over to God in faith and everything changed.

I had to learn that lesson all over again last year. And I learned to walk in faith, I learned to trust God completely, I understood there was a plan and I just had to follow. I mean, I didn’t follow perfectly, and I certainly swore a lot at God (and doubted him too), but overall I learned to have faith and (more difficult), patience.

(Let’s be honest, I had to learn that lesson the year before as well as we were watching my dad die. It’s one of those lessons that I say ok, thanks God, that was brutal I have learned my lesson. I’ll never forget it. Please don’t be that harsh again. And then I forget and have to learn the lesson all over again)

Lately there have been fear feelings again. I don’t know why, my intuition just tells me that big changes are coming. This intuition has given me the heads up a few times over the past couple of years and has been dead on every single time, so I pay attention. I don’t know what the changes are, I don’t particularly embrace change, but I know that it happens no matter how I feel about it.

I came across this quote:

And I realized how true it is. I can either stress about whatever change is brewing, or I can walk ahead in faith.

This photo was taken almost 10 years ago when we moved from Quebec to Rhode Island. It was a big, scary move – and a huge leap of faith. It was also a step into some really, brutally hard years. But those years have also brought me into myself and there’s a huge gift in that. If all that crap hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t know that when the storm hits I can stand in it and walk through with my loved ones. I wouldn’t know that I want to surround myself with people who make me shine brighter instead of those who want to dim my shine.

I’ve changed a lot over the last year. For a while I thought I was changing back into who I was before. But, I’ve realized that’s not the case at all. I have grown into someone completely different than I have even been. For the first time in my life I know my value, I feel my faith, and I trust and love on a level I never knew was possible. So, with all the heartache of the past year there is a lot of gratitude as well. I am glad I had the opportunity to turn into this version of myself.

That is happiness, deep and lasting happiness. Being here with my kids, seeing them smile and trust and love – that is happiness. Watching them grow, seeing them bond with their tribe – happiness that bursts my heart.

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