Today my little birthday project took a huge step towards being a reality. I have backing and support, I have ideas and tools to use to move ahead. It’s happening! I’m pretty excited.
The thought of being able to share happiness with a child who needs it is really exciting – not only for me but for my kids too.
By next month Celebrate Every Child should be throwing our first party!! That is huge happiness!
We have been enjoying some pretty amazing skies lately, and this morning I was fortunate enough to get outside and see the day break with my good buddy Derek. Look at that little face! How can you not love him. It warmed my heart to start the day getting cuddles from this little dude (Peaches and George are in the back ground, the less-talked-about orphan calves).
Happiness
We finally got our lazy butts back to church after almost a month of finding many reasons to sleep in and it felt really good. I love my women’s group, and I always get so much out of the sermon.
The topic today was how to step out of the shadow of being in survival mode. This is exactly what I have come to the realization lately that I need to do. The last few years have been all about survival – there has been a lot of growth as well – but survival has been the driving force. I feel sometimes like all I do is run around and put out fires and that I never actually get to move ahead to where I want to be. My body tells me I am survival mode as it is exhausted from holding my being in a constant stressed state of flight or flight. And you know what? The danger, the stress, the fear…. it’s not present in my life anymore. I don’t need to be in survival mode. It’s like my soul, my body, my being does not know how to let go of being in survival mode.
All of that I have known for a while, but my question was how do I get out of it? Because trust me, I have been working hard to get there.
Our pastor had some ideas.
Stay the course. Show up every day, be strong and courageous to do what God wants regardless of the outcome. Work from a faith based perspective rather than an outcome based one.
Fear keeps you from coming out of the shadows (Oh my.. this is so me). Identify your fears, look them in the eye, then list the ways that God has been faithful. I have taken huge leaps of faith the past couple of years, and I am learning how to do this one, but fear has held me back from taking chances and achieving great things my whole life.
Experience God’s word every day of your life. And remember, you can read God’s word, study His word, and not still not hear Him. We need to hear Him. I need to hear Him. Sometimes I get so busy telling Him what I want I don’t stop to listen to what He is telling me.
And then this:
Genesis 12:1-2
Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.
And he went.
Going where God wants us to go is never without leaving something behind. We need to ask what we need to leave behind in order to come out of the shadows.
The last couple of years I have left so much behind. There has been a lot of pain – some of that I have left behind, some of that I still carry with me (some of it my children still carry and I carry their burden as well). I have a pretty good idea of what I need to leave behind to come out of the shadows. I am no longer a victim. I was put in that role, and I have played it for a long time. I am no longer his victim and I don’t have to carry the emotional burden that comes along with that. I can learn to leave that behind. It has been almost a year now since I filed for divorce, I have learned so much, have gained more strength than I thought possible, know that there was no truth to that life we were living, it’s time to learn how to come out of the shadows. I’m ready. That is also happiness.
To celebrate her 12th birthday the girl is having a friend sleep over. It’s toned down a lot from what she had planned because of the concussion, but in many ways this is a nicer way to celebrate a new year. This is such a good friend, and they get along so well, sometimes it’s good to just celebrate with someone who really gets you. The importance of having a best friend.
I feel both happy and content tonight. She’s having fun, the boy is in town at a basketball tournament, there is a sense of peace and gratitude in knowing my kids feel safe and settled at home. In knowing they have a home, with people who love them all around.
This place where we live is pretty amazing.
I had an interesting body/mind/soul connection talk with my massage therapist today. He was doing a CST treatment – which is so trauma healing, I am so excited about all the good it’s doing for me – and he asked if my physical body often manifested my emotional issues. I laughed and said hell yes.
Honestly it’s been something that even though I’ve tried to honor and respect has led me to the end of my patience on many occasions. I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, but sometimes I can’t help but look at people who I know are way more screwed up than I am and their bodies still seem to be strong.
He reminded me that my body is enough in tune with my spirit that when I am out of balance my body shows symptoms of it right away. In many senses that is a blessing. I know and have to focus right away on what my body is telling me, and that’s how I heal.
Sometimes though I just wish the healing would be faster. Then I look back at where I came from. It’s pretty amazing.
My moment of happiness was remembering that my mind, body, and soul are all working as hard as they can to return to balance and health. I’m so grateful for all the love and support that I have around me as I walk this path. I’m happy to be healing.
For the first time since her concussion over a month ago, my girl managed to do a full day of school. She’s not totally healed yet, and thank goodness we had 2 weeks of break so she could relax and let her body get better, but it’s a start.
I’ve been so worried about her, she’s been brave and strong, but it’s caused her a lot of pain and angst. We have this amazing healing team who have been working so lovingly with her to help return her back to her old self.
Picking her up after school today and seeing her smile because she was back with her friends was my happiness moment.
My other one was on the way home this morning. It was super cold, but so beautiful. I am grateful every day that God brought us back home where we are loved and safe.
We were talking today about the fact that these last two weeks of Christmas vacation have seen my little family more relaxed than we have been in years. I consider that a huge success given all the anxiety, fear, panic, stress that seems to have been part of our life for years. I mean, it’s a really big deal.
I’m not sure exactly what the shift was but we all seem to have really taken unwinding seriously. Even with regular Christmas stress, some divorce angst, and a death we still managed to chill ourselves to an impressive level of relaxation. I’m pretty grateful for that.
Happiness moment today was taking the boy to the Italian Centre for what seems to be our weekly grocery shop. I love this time with him. I feel really blessed that we have the kind of relationship where he actually wants to spend time with me and talk with me about his life. It’s something I have worked hard for, but still… the pay off is so much more than I ever imagined.
We had high tea at the Banff Springs Hotel today to celebrate my niece turning 6 and my daughter turning 12 (today and on Monday respectively). It was a girls only event including the birthday girls, my sister, and our mom. We don’t have girl days often enough – and this one was pretty elegant.
The difference between 6 and 12
When we were kids our family vacationed a lot on Vancouver Island, and we have many fond memories attached to high tea (and clotted cream). It was fun for us three adults to step back in time a little and reminisce about teas past.
And fun to share our traditions with the next generation. The girls loved having a fancy tea party
Her face when she was told she could eat
She gets it from her mom
It was a really special day, and one that I will treasure in my memory bank forever. Those family bonds, our sisterhood, it’s pure happiness and there’s so much gratitude in that.
We said goodbye to my godmother today at her funeral in Cochrane. It was a small gathering of loved ones but there were so many memories and so much love brought into that church.
When I was a kid and Cochrane was still a small town, there were three families who joined together because of their businesses being side by side. There was Mackay’s Ice Cream, my parent’s law firm, and the Doctor’s office. As a result, the Mackays the Ramsays and the Mcquittys have been family friends for as long as I can remember.
In the last two years all of us “kids” (in our 40s and 50s now) have lost a parent and have all held each other up in love and support. It’s been a rough couple of years for a lot of people.
I didn’t really get a lot out of the funeral service in the church. I’m not sure why, it could have just been the emotional place I was in. I just found it didn’t give me what I was looking for in terms of supporting my faith and having some closure.
I decided to go to the graveyard for the internment ceremony and I’m really glad I did. She was buried in the old graveyard in town where all the other old Cochrane family members are. My grandparents and the Mackay parents among them – as well as uncle George (auntie Mary’s husband, who ironically also died on Christmas Day years ago).
There was a lot of comfort in knowing she was being laid to rest among family and friends. Normally I’m not a fan of graveyards, but I’ve always found a lot of comfort at that one. When I was a kid my grandma used to walk me through it and tell me about family members and neighbours who were buried there.
The priest in the church service kept talking about how death was painful. I prefer to think of it another way, in these words from Robyn Mackay after losing her mom just a few months before I lost my dad:
Love, is one of the forces in life that leads all of us directly into suffering, because we will ultimately lose every person and everything that we love.
After dad died, MOM is the one who taught me to be fearless enough to love anyway, without conditions, and take the great risk that loving HER, would break my heart.
I have blogged this passage before and I return to it often to find comfort during times of loss. They’re wise words. Loving someone will hurt, but we need to be fearless enough to do it anyway. Otherwise you end up living a life without love, and that’s a pretty empty existence.
My happiness moment was standing in the graveyard feeling the love and comfort of those beloved members of my tribe who have gone on before me. And as a secondary, more badass moment, Jenna and I found some kind of joy in being able to run red lights through town as part of the funeral procession.
I was kind of funky feeling this morning. I had some rather unpleasant interactions with Mr. X, somehow having forgotten that bullying and intimidation seem to be the name of the game. It’s a game I’ll never get used to no matter how many years I have endured it.
Determined to shake it off, I had a short nap which immediately had me in better spirits. I have been so run down over the past few years, all the emotional stress and turmoil of things that have been going on. I feel like I could go away and sleep for weeks just to get caught up. It helped though, rest and a clear head make things so much better.
I took the boy into town and we did some birthday shopping for the girl. That kid is so funny and he brightens my soul and my day in ways I can’t even express. By the end of our time I felt lighter, happier, and filled with love and gratitude.
We came home and played the Stinky Pig Game which is guaranteed for laughs. He said this better be your happiness moment, and it is. I also love that he looks for happiness moments in every day because of my blog.
I feel like we have been able to really stop and focus on our little family this holiday season. The three of us are really tight anyway and we spend a lot of time together, but there has been a lot of bonding, laughter, and really good memories made over the past few weeks. I’m really grateful for that and it brings me much joy and happiness.
Today was a pretty low key day which was a wonderful way to start off the new year. I had a little visit with my cousin who is home from Italy which was the highlight of my day (and my happiness moment).
Although we have an age gap we have always had a good bond, but that was strengthened when we both became part of the family who lived away from home. We can relate to what it’s like to have a far away life and also try to keep the family in Alberta life alive and strong.
She’s got two little boys and I love that I had a chance to get to know them a little bit. They’re beautiful dark haired brown eyes babes – much like my own, which strengthens that bond.
I have a good feeling about 2017. We have had some pretty dark times over the past few years, but they have also been filled with personal growth. I feel like the wings have been formed and it’s time to fly.
