Tag Archives: peace

happiness

Mediate on that

I promised myself when February began that I would add three things back into my morning routine: daily reading from A Course in Miracles, journaling in my Morning Pages, and meditating. I find them all extremely difficult to do, but the rewards are huge.

Today I had one of those meditation sessions that makes it all worth while. When the connection is so blissfully intense and the stress just falls off.

Even after only a couple of weeks I’m noticing a difference.

The kids and I have decided to meditate together for lent. Instead of giving things up, we are adding to our spiritual practice – and we all need that right now.

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happiness

Tears of sorrow, tears of joy

Today has been a crying kind of day. It started when I got home from dropping the kids at school and I thought It’s Valentine’s Day, I should go over and visit with mom – I know this day is hard on her and she misses dad.  Then I remembered and I went to bed for an hour and cried.

I kind of got my crap together for the rest of the day, but then I got the mail this evening. It was filled with sympathy cards and letters for my parents (both of them!) like they’re still alive and reading their mail. So then I cried again.

But it wasn’t all sadness. People are sending letters and emails and sharing their favourite memories of my parents with us. More than anything what stands out for me are the people who really, truly loved my parents. And they all say the same thing – they loved my parents because of how my parents loved and shared their lives with them. There’s a consistent theme too that these people love us and are holding us up as we cry.

I mean, really and truly, I expected to feel so alone in this, but everywhere I turn people are reaching out in love.

And so I go back to my thoughts on living a fear based or a love based life.

I’ve already seen what happens when I make decisions based in fear. It hasn’t worked so well for me.

I feel like we should watch Inside Out tonight and have a real emotion explosion. My soul sister watched it today – it’s a powerful movie and it reminds me of how sadness and joy need each other.

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happiness

Celebrate Every Child

About a year and a half ago I had this moment of Divine Inspiration. I wanted to start up a program that would give a birthday party to a child who, because of family or life circumstances, wouldn’t normally be able to have one. My idea was that every child deserves to be celebrated – and even if it was just one day of the year that they were reminded how special they are – that could possibly be a life changing gift.

This idea spoke to my heart in part because of some of the kids I taught who weren’t celebrated anywhere at any time. If ever a big deal was made out of them you could see their eyes light up and their souls smile. It’s important that kids feel like they’re important and that it’s worth celebrating their existence. The other reason had to do with our journey back home. If my family hadn’t held us and helped us and loved us, we would have been completely destitute when Mr. X closed our bank account and wished me and the kids well. Not everyone is so fortunate to have a tribe step in and I feel it’s my duty to pay that forward.

I had volunteers and our church backing me, so much support was in place, and then my life kind of crapped itself. But now I’ve realized I’m back in a position to give again. So, I met with a friend today (who was the lady that took my idea to the powers that be and got me the backing I needed) and she told me whenever I’m ready to go that they are too.

Before that I had the most uplifting chat with a healer-friend. It’s amazing how when we shine our lights, light shines back.

The interesting thing about not running from the pain and fear (which is what I want to do), is that I feel the love even more strongly.

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happiness

Ghost of Christmas future

I’ve had a visit from my ghost of Christmas future. It wasn’t as dramatic or disturbing as what happened to Scrooge, but it was effective nonetheless.

It is weirdly motivating to have a glimpse into what could be my future if I don’t keep working at healing and getting stronger. It made me remember that my energy is sacred and when I give it away to the noise and chaos I get drained.

My energy is sacred.

And I can’t waste it.

I look at my long to do list and it’s mostly full of things I need to do to make other people happy – to meet their needs and requirements.

I wonder what would happen if I just didn’t do them and instead filled up that list with things that move my soul.

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happiness

Transformation time

The girl and I did our first day of our 90 day transformation program today. We have some things we want changed, and now seems like the perfect time to do that. We are already in such a state of change, it makes sense to start creating life the way we want it now. I’m excited, and I’m happy I get to do it with her. I need to change some things, I am tired to the core of my soul.

I got home this evening after a much needed visit with my soul sister and had to stop for a minute in the -29C night to take a look at the stars. It is such a beautiful and clear night. I love where we live, I love our tribe – I don’t know what I would do without either.

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happiness

When the universe listens

A couple of weeks ago I told the universe what I wanted – what I would like to have happen in my life if money wasn’t an issue. I didn’t see how it would be possible, because it felt like money would be an issue – but when miracles happen they don’t always come the way we imagined they would.

I had a conversation today with someone who is already living the vision I had, and who possibly could use my help to keep it growing.

So cool. So exciting. So hopeful.

Tonight a group of us went out and laughed our asses off. We were loud and inappropriate and had so much fun. One of the other ladies lost her dad a couple of days before my mom died so we even shared tears and laughed about the weird grief things we were doing. I have missed having people to go out and do things with. It was awesome.

It realized today as I was driving around looking at cows that I am living exactly the life I prayed for. It’s all here. Sure, some things are missing, some aren’t precisely how I’d like them to be – but mostly I am living the exact life I prayed I’d have when things were at their darkest.

Cows and kids.

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happiness

Focus on my Drishti

I need to spend more time with my horse, he is my Drishti in every sense of the word. He is what balances me, connects me to the Divine, brings me peace and joy, and reminds me that miracles are possible.

In yoga when you focus on your Drishti, the chaos and noise of the world vanish and through your pose you are able to connect to the Source of all that is love. That focus is what brought me to him, that is what he does for me now.

I’m trying to sort out what I want for my life – how do I want it to be? Who do I want to be? It needs to be very intentional moving forward. I feel like I’ve made most of my life decisions based on what will make other people happy. Now I need to figure out what makes me happy and live life that way.

Nothing is permanent, nothing is guaranteed, but I am determined to fill my life with people and moments that bring me joy. If this very second isn’t the moment to experience bliss then when is the time? What if tomorrow doesn’t come? I can’t put off my own happiness, and I won’t do that to my kids – they need to learn how to embrace life too, they’re watching me.

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happiness

Walk away from the past

So, I’m on day 2 of my “give in to grief” for the rest of the month of February. Shit I wish I’d done this years ago – I didn’t because I thought it meant I would be lying around doing nothing and feeling sad, so instead I pushed myself to the limit and accomplished less than I wanted and was still sad.

Here’s the interesting thing about accepting that I’m in a state of grief. I woke up this morning and my mind raced with all the things that needed to be done. I said to myself that instead of being overwhelmed by the pile of my life that got heaped up over the last 6 months (longer really) that I was just going to do what felt right and I was going to look after myself.

I accomplished more today than I have in ages. And I had a nap. My kids said tonight that it was the first time they had seen me looking genuinely happy in months.

Go figure.

I was in our local crystal shop this evening and I said to the lady working there that I wanted a light shone on my path so I could get a better idea of where I’m going and what I’m supposed to be doing. She told me that instead of focusing on where I want to go I should be focusing on letting go of my past so I can walk into the future that is waiting for me.

Damn it, she’s right.

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happiness

Fine for February

After dad died, one of mom’s friends told her that anytime someone asked her how she was to reply I’m fine (fine meaning Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional). We used it as a coping mechanism, and I found myself using it again after mom died.

My dear friend Asrael reminded me today that it’s ok to take time to grieve. I realized I’ve had 7 major, traumatic events happen in less than 3 years and I’ve not had time to process much of what has happened. I can feel the effects of that in both my body and my soul now. I literally have nothing left to give.

I’ve been pretty angry with God and this morning as I was having a pissy fit about how I was just going to turn my back on him – the boy reminded me that my faith is what defines me and I can’t give that up. It was pretty powerful to hear him say that to me. I mean if that’s how he sees me, and he spends so much time sorting out his own spirituality, how can I give up on that?

So, I’m going to spend the rest of the month feeling all the feelings and reflecting on and assessing what is truly important.

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