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Surrender

  
I come from a long line of extremely stubborn and willful people so to say that I don’t surrender easily (or at all) into things is putting it mildly. 

Since having yoga and mediation and Ayurveda introduced into my life I have been actively seeking the way to surrender. It hasn’t been successful. 

This is likely because I’ve been trying to force myself to surrender. Stubbornly and willfully. With no success. 

I always imagined how my true surrender would go. It would be like Disney meets Kripalu. I would be sitting serenely in a field with butterflies flitting about, deer skipping by, and flowers dancing a merry rainbow of peace and serenity. I would be radiating bliss from my inner core as I sat in peaceful meditation. 

No matter how many times I tried to force this peaceful surrender it never happened. 

Today for the first time I felt myself – my whole self, body mind and spirit – surrender. 

Here’s what it looked like: me lying on the ground yelling no, no, no, no, no, no,no f*ck, f*ck (a few more hundred of those)…. FINE. Then I lay there and cried. And I’m not a pretty crier. It was heaping, drooling, snotty sobs of tears. 

Then I got up, dusted myself off, and continued to cry for the next 12 hours. Actually, since I’m still crying now it will be much longer I’m sure.

But, somewhere in that heaping, ugly mess came surrender. I felt it happen. I just gave it all up. 

Once I got to the point where I was beyond trying to force myself into a place that was not authentic for me it just happened. Right now in this moment in time, surrender for me is curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out. And that’s ok. Because it’s real. 

Surrender meant acknowledging what is happening, having my authentic response to it and being ok with it. Knowing that what happens is beyond my control. That it’s not my job to reach for a specific outcome. Right now it’s my job to surrender, to cry, to feel, to relax and let be. 

Happiness moment today was sitting with dad in a sunbeam while giving him a big hug. Yes, I cried for most of it. But whatever. It was still a moment of true love and that means happiness. 

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Life is a balance 

 
My theme for the day seems to be relax. The larger theme seems to be balance. I had a long conversation today with my Ayurvedic practitioner and yoga instructor  Asrael about things and life and relaxing and balance. 

For some reason relaxing into things is not something that comes easily to me. Even with the deep understanding that life will be better and happier and more bliss filled, I resist and stress into so many of my experiences. Both the good ones and the bad ones. I get the resistance for the unpleasant ones – but really? Do the pleasant ones have to be a struggle too?

Relax. 

For me being able to relax means that I find that perfect balance of holding on and letting go. Some things need to be held onto. Some things need to be let go of. Some things I need to both hold on and let go of at the same time. 

Relax. 

It’s a conversation I had today with my dad as well. How does one relax? Breathe into the moment? 

The concept is easy, putting it into practice is a challenge for me. 

Happiness moment was my conversation with Asrael. It’s so balancing and grounding for me   I actually do feel myself relaxing when I talk to her. Which is probably why I’ve been exhausted all day. 

Relax. 

Hold on and let go. 

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An active participant in fun

Today I played the role of “good mommy” and let Jacob ride shotgun in the suburban  rented for the weekend. It’s black and mafia cool looking, but we have managed to turn it into a crazy family car nonetheless. Here’s what I discovered today – being in the back seat is much more fun than being in the front seat. For example, I could reach through the seat and the head rest and tickle the back of Jacob’s neck. I could reach around the side and poke him. Then when he got angry and tried to squish me to death by backing the front seat right down on me I could swing my legs to the side, grab his seatbelt pinning him to the seat and wet willy him until he cried uncle.

Jenna and I laughed so hard in the back seat we thought we were going to be sick.

We played push your seat back and then flop it forward. We harassed poor Jacob stuck in the front. We played the “are we there yet? I’m bored” game until their dad got that cranky line that says shhhh I’m trying to focus on the road across his forehead. Then we laughed about that.

We took crazy car selfies.

 

Being an active participant in fun is so much better than being a passive participant. It’s so much more heart warming to be able to be a part of the fun than to just watch and enjoy the fun. It does not mean you actively have to get up and do something. In fact when I’m laughing so hard I can’t get up and do anything. It just means being engaged and involved in the fun.

It was by far the happiness moment of the day. I felt lighter for hours after it.

Happiness rocks.

I had my 5th Healing Light Yoga Therapy class today. It was so powerful I don’t even know where to begin. I need some time to process it. But I can guarantee that it’s what set me up for the belly laughing, gut aching fun I had later on.

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An Ayurvedic Consultation

Nourish, Vitality, Excitement, Desire

Those are my new life-loving words.

Today I had an Ayurvedic consultation with Asrael from Ananda Ayurveda. She’s the same lady who teaches my Healing Light Yoga Therapy classes and it has been so uplifting for my soul to have had her come into my life.

~ As a side note, as soon as I got on my Google Hangout chat with her my cat Ella came running from the other side of the house to stick her head in the computer and see “the yoga lady”. Ella spends a lot of time hanging out with me during classes and I guess was excited to see what was going to happen today.~

It was amazing. I wish I’d done this sooner, but I’m thankful I did it now. It was good to know that a lot of the things I’ve been feeling about what’s going on with me were in fact steps in the right direction. To find out that what I’m learning and trying to apply is actually working was pretty heart warming.

Of course there is a lot I don’t know and so to have her start to fill in some of the blank spaces fills me with gratitude. It was so wonderful to have someone sit down and walk through where I’m at and how I’m doing physically, spiritually, and energetically. To have someone hold my hand and help guide me down the path that I feel like I’ve been walking blindfolded and trying to peek out the corners feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders (and my lower back and hips).

I now have better ideas on how to ground and nourish my self. How to regain my center of balance and power up that strength.

Interestingly, one of the things she suggested I do is to start Morning Pages which I did years ago after going to a course led by Julia Cameron at Kripalu. I did them faithfully for about 2 years, when I loved doing them and when I hated doing them. Then as I really got into those dark night of the soul times I quit doing them because they made me angry and upset. Ironically had I kept doing them I probably could have worked a lot of that junk out because that is the point of having all those feelings in morning pages. But, I couldn’t deal with that then. So now here I am…. back to Morning Pages. Great…. (it is great. It will be a good thing, it just won’t always feel like a good thing)

That was my happiness moment. I highly recommend doing it if you are able. It’s a wonderful way to be able to discover more healthful ways to live life. And think…. soon I will be able to give guidance similar to this to other people! It’s life-changing!

My other, naughtier, yummier, less Ayurvedic happiness moment came later when we went out for supper and I had this big old piece of chocolate cake for dessert. Oh, yummmmmm!!!!

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Cilantro mint chutney and 44 days of happiness

In Ayurveda chutneys are the appetizers of the meal. Which makes sense if you think about the word “appetizer” – something to increase appetite. Not a mini meal before you have your main meal. They help both improve digestion and the absorption of your food, and can be specialized to nurture the different doshas.

There are many different recipes for this chutney. I seem to always make it with just 4 ingredients: fresh cilantro, fresh mint, a hot pepper, and fresh squeezed lemon.

I used 2 bunches of cilantro and 2 small packages of mint. I can’t wait until they’re growing outside instead of me having to buy them.

pretty, pretty….

Wash all ingredients, make sure you just have mint leaves – take them off the stems –  and put them in a blender. I used to use my Cuisinart food processor, but I found that the little green specks were impossible to get out of all the little nooks and crannies. So, I now use my blender. I have to cut up the cilantro and then add things bit by bit or it takes forever to blend up.

Once it’s all blended, put in a glass dish – enjoy!!

Today is day 44 of the 44 days of happiness. My happy moment came while I was driving kids from doing recycling to drop off a form at the library. Jacob was reading the form – it was for a teen night and so I had filled out his information – and he said “why did you put M as my grade?” Well, I had read it as gender, so I put M for male. But, since the three of us are huge Goldbergs fans I said “The M is for moron” (because that’s what the dad is always calling everyone – it’s how he says I love you). We started laughing so hard I had to pull the car over because I couldn’t see to drive (thankfully we were at a light). Those spontaneous belly laughs are what it’s all about!

I was thinking about my 44 days of happiness yesterday while I was out for my walk. This mini-journey has brought so much to my life. We have lived in such stress and chaos for so long that it was really easy to focus on that part of life. Which is a shame when there still are so many awesome things happening every minute. Finding one thing that made me happy every day has made me an overall happier person. I laugh more, I play more, I have more patience with the kids, I talk with friends more, I even lost some weight – clothes that haven’t fit for ages are fitting again. I’ve also been doing yoga much more regularly and that is so blissful for my body and soul. I’m 4 weeks into a 6 weeks course on Healing Light Yoga Therapy which is led by Asreal Zemenick. This session is about addictions and letting go of old beliefs and patterns, and man do I have some old beliefs and patterns that need to be let go. I hadn’t realized how addicting those ways of thinking could actually be. But learning to let go of what no longer serves me is life changing to say the least.

Overall I’d say that the 44 days of happiness has made me a better version of me.

I realized while walking that I was just starting to hit my stride with this whole happiness thing and that just ending it could very easily turn my focus back onto those things that cause me stress. And I don’t want to do that.

So, I have decided that in order for my 44th year to be a year of happiness, I need to continue to look for the happiness in every single day. Why not? I’ve had lots of years where the focus has been on  stress and anxiety and unease (no wonder my Vata is all upset) – why not have a year of happiness? It goes along with my intention of the path of least resistance and obviously I’ve intended on keeping this going from its conception as is evident in my birthday post.

So, now that I’m 44 and 44 days old I can say that I’m thankful that this year is off to such a blessed start. I feel happier and more blissful than ever.

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A shy introvert 

I have always struggled with the double whammy of being both  shy and of being introverted. It’s only been recently that I’ve really begun to explore the differences between what it means to be shy and what it means to be an introvert. For ages I thought they were different versions of the same thing and something I needed to change about myself in order to be a settled member of society.

Now I’m realizing that the two things, for me anyway, are completely different. I’m an introvert. It’s how I’m made. I like quiet and I like to retreat into my own head and into my own space – there’s always a lot going on in there. I get overwhelmed when I’m in big crowds and things are too loud. Being an introvert is something for me to celebrate. It’s a wonderful part of myself that should be nurtured.

Being shy is attached much more to my self-esteem. Being shy means not speaking up when I should. Not participating in activities I want to because I am feeling anxious or not good enough (whereas the introverted part of me is completely happy to go home, curl up with a good book and enjoy a cup of tea in the quiet). There’s a big difference between not going out and doing things because I don’t want to (introvert) and not going out and doing things because my self-esteem holds me back (shyness)

Or to put it another way, my introverted self never has FOMO, but my shy part suffers desperately from it.

id love to hang out but

Today I was reading about the third chakra in the book  Wheels of Life. In case you cant’ tell, I’m kind of obsessed with my third chakra lately. In the past week I’ve written about it here and here. She’s talking about raising kids and teaching them how to “fit in” or “conform” to society.

Social cooperation is certainly necessary; however, if it occurs through domination, it hardly deserves the term “cooperation” at all. It is then cooperation without desire, vitality, or the spark of fire characteristic of the third chakra. It becomes submission, which dampens and cripples our sense of power and will, and damages our self-esteem.

OMG, that is me. I made a conscious decision years ago to stop fighting the fight, to stop being different, to try to just fit in and be who it was I thought others thought I should be. You know, basically the last time I felt like I was really living my own life. I listened to voices that were louder than mine. I was young and didn’t really realize the power that decision would have over my life (thank goodness I’m older and wiser now and I can reverse such things). But, that was it – I gave up my personal power and became submissive to the needs and wants of others.

I struggle with this with the kids. I want them to let their lights shine, to be the best “thems” they can be. But there are certain rules in society we must follow aren’t there? Just the other day I snapped at Jacob and when he snapped back at me I pulled the “you can’t talk to me like that, I’m your mother – show some respect.” He came back with “I just talked to you like you talked to me”. Ugh. Totally called me on that one. Worst of all, he only spoke to me like that to show me how it felt. Point taken. I want them to become who they are not who they’ve been forced into being. I want the same thing for myself.

So, I will continue to honour my introvert, and continue to encourage the shy part of my being. Engage that powerhouse and see what kind of light shines out of it.

Happiness moment on day 37 of the 44 days of happiness came this morning. I went for a very chilly walk. When we lived in Rhode Island I was often so cold in the winter that the only way I could warm up was in a hot shower – the chill went right to the bone. This morning after our walk I felt the same way – just couldn’t get warm <As an aside, I thought I was moving to the South and that things would be warm here>. I went and had a shower. Part of being a mom seems to be being available and accessible to the kids when they need me – and nothing makes them need me like being in the shower. But, this morning no one was home. So, I stood in the steaming hot shower until all the hot water was gone. I can’t remember when I have last done that. Didn’t have to worry about anyone else needing water – no one else was there. The cat did get a little bent out of shape that I was so obviously enjoying something that she couldn’t come sit on or walk over. But even her angry face at the shower door didn’t take away from the bliss of showering until all the hot water was gone.

Angry Ella face waiting for supper

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4am visit by the boogeyman… early morning profound thinking

I was sound asleep in blissful dreamland when I felt a hand on me, shaking my body. Anyone who knows me will tell you it’s never a good idea to wake me up. I am not my best me when someone wakes me before my time. I shot up and was terrified to see there was a giant man standing over my bed shaking me. After breathing a couple of times and hoping to wake up from a nightmare I realized that this giant man was just Jacob. When did my little boy turn into this giant man?

“Mom, mom, wake up… there’s someone in the house.”

ughhhhhhhhh. No. No there isn’t. I lay there for a couple of minutes listening to the night sounds of the house. I knew that if there truly was someone in the house the dog would be attacking and since there was silence from below I figured we were safe. But, he insisted – someone was there. He’d heard noises like bubblewrap popping down stairs (Jenna and I had some good laughs at his expense at this one later on. I asked who would break into a house just to pop some bubblewrap? Jenna pointed out that I would do such a thing). Then he said someone had come and fiddled with his door handle. I said it was likely the cat trying to get in, but he insisted it was the boogeyman. I took him out into the hallway towards his room which was lined with filled clean, folded laundry baskets and the vacuum waiting to be used and pointed out that anyone trying to sneak down the hall would kill themselves tripping over all the junk in the way.

Finally I turned on the floodlights and did the walkabout of the house to prove to him that the house was safe. It was.

But, our moment of happiness today for day 36 of the 44 days of happiness came with the continued giggles at the thought of someone breaking into the house to pop all our bubblewrap.

He trundled off to bed leaving me to lie there thinking “great- it’s 4am. Too early to be up. Too late to go back to sleep.” So, I lay there pondering the great thoughts of the world. Actually, I started by thinking about how tired I was going to be and how I was never going to get back to sleep. Then I started thinking about my yoga class from Saturday and my spot of personal power. I was thinking about how I’d spent so much of my life looking for validation from outside sources. That finally I was starting to look inward for this validation. That at the same time as I’d begun doing this I’d realized that many of the people I’d been looking at to validate me were in fact huge energy drains on my system. How incredibly hard it is to spend a life trying to keep other people happy, and how often that came at my own expense.  I thought about how depleted I’d become and how difficult I was seeming to find it to regain strength and happiness and inner power. My first thought after that was ‘why bother, you just give all that strength away’. And that was my Eureka moment. My spirit was tired of replacing energy that I was letting get sponged away to fill other people’s emotional voids.

Not to say that we shouldn’t give with our emotions, our peace, our love. But, there are certain people who are takers. Who see your happy, peaceful, calm emotions and want them for their own and try to sponge them from you. I’ve had people like this in and out of my life my entire life. Once I’d started to realize the pattern I’d blamed them for stealing my energy, power, fun. But I’m realizing that the issue really lies with me. That while there is enough love, peace, power, fun to go around in the world for us all to have as much as we want – I don’t have to give mine away to someone else in order for them to attain it. In fact, all that happens is I end up depleted and they end up with a short moment of energy burst followed by a need for a “fix” again.

Somewhere in these thoughts I fell into a deep, deep sleep where I sorted all of this out in a way that had me waking at 6:30 feeling fully rested and at peace.



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Pirate Gold – the yellow ball of fire

I had my third healing light yoga therapy class this morning. Last week we did some work on the third chakra, and this week we started with the third and then did a little work with the fourth.  I’d been so focused in the past that my first and second needed balancing that I’d kind of ignored that my third one was also calling out for some attention. Or, perhaps since everything comes in its time – I needed to work to heal and support my root and sacral chakras so they would be strong enough to give support to that solar plexus area.

The third chakra – the area between your navel and your solar plexus (your middle back) – is pretty much the core of who you are. It relates to your true self, it’s your powerhouse, where you self-esteem lives. It’s where feelings get stuck, where you hold on to things, where your power lives.

Last week we were to take an image of a time when we felt safe, happy and supported and focus on that while we worked through our breathing sequences. Immediately in my mind came an image of me and Pirate galloping through the old homestead field. Sun shining down, birds flying around, quiet all around, Pirate and I thundering across the grass happy, free, safe, content. I didn’t have to force an image at all, this image and this feeling came immediately to me and I held onto it for a long time.

Pirate, my little ball of fire. As I was lying in my asana today I was again transported back to a time when I was flying across the countryside on Pirate’s back. It truly was a time when I felt supported, safe, happy, completely self confident, powerful- all those third chakra feelings. Coincidence that my little yellow palomino ball of fire was the same colour as that bright burning third chakra? I think not.

When I was with him I felt like I could take on the world. Not only did I feel confident in myself, but I felt safe and secure in a trusted partnership with him. I put my life in his hands every day and even though we did some insane things together (oh my how insane they were!!) we looked after each other, brought out the best in each other, and made each other strong and brave powerhouses.

When he died I had a pain in my middle back so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed for days. I didn’t know anything about the chakras then, but the core of who I was was grieving for him. Yesterday I woke up with that same pain in my back. The one that only comes in times of intense grief or intense stress. Obviously I am grieving, things are shifting, my body is remembering and letting go (and holding on). It’s good though to remember who I really am by remembering who I was.

Like me, he was a show pony who could get out and get dirty with the best of them:

Pirate and I (supervising) chasing cows

Pirate and I in the warm-up ring at Spruce Meadows in Calgary.

We all have this center of power inside of us. Mine got shut down for a while. I listened to the wrong people, carried those voices inside of me for a long, long time. It was really good to remember a time when I felt safe and strong and powerful.

My happiness moment on day 34 of the 44 days of happiness is in memory of Pirate Gold – my little yellow ball of fire. He was one of the most important relationships I have had in my life. We were together from the time I was 9 until he passed away when I was 35. He taught me how to love freely, live loudly, be brave, be afraid and do it anyway, be patient, sing from my soul (and sometimes be as stubborn and strong willed as hell). That all of our relationships should bring out the best in us like this one did.

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Healing light yoga

Today was the second class of my 6 week healing light yoga therapy series. I’m taking them through New World Ayurveda –  I love these classes. They’re live and online so I don’t have to go anywhere or organize anything for the kids. I just have to show up in front of my computer ready for some bliss (well, it’s not always bliss – but it works towards bliss). This series works on releasing habits, addictions, and attachments. Oh, how I have things stored up in me that I’ve had a difficult time letting go of. I know all those beliefs, habits, attachments etc. that I’ve held on to for so long must have served me – they probably were necessary in the past in some way, shape or form – but I don’t need them now. Easy to say – harder to just let go of. This class is so enlightening and I love the way Asrael guides us along. In fact her voice is so calming and soothing I tend to completely lose myself in the class. One minute I’m working on the healing breath and then next thing I know moments have gone by that I can’t account for – where I’ve just gone somewhere in my bliss.

Sometimes when I’m done I feel fantastic, sometimes when I’m done I feel upset, angry, sad. It all works towards happiness and bliss. But, sometimes that letting go can be a bit gucky. I’m pretty sure that was what my anxiety was about from the other day in fact. Holding on..letting go..allowing.

My routine was a bit different this morning since the class is later than I normally do my yoga, so Ella was already off doing something else when I rolled out my mat. But, as soon as I had it out and was in my chair getting the computer ready for the class these eyes appeared on my mat:

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She ran back and forth between the mat and the chair and several times when Asrael was talking peered up on the table to get a good look at her. You can see other participants on the screen – and I was amazed at how many of them had their cats sitting there with them waiting for class to start (Including Asrael’s cat).

We did two asanas (you hold them for a long time and do some breathing work). The first one was supported child’s pose. So, I’m lying there doing my breathing, listening to Asrael guiding us, and I start feeling *whack* *whack* *whack* on my feet. Ella had her mouse and was beating at my feet with it. Then she’d run around my body a few times mewing, then back to the feet *whack* *whack*. We took a little break after this for questions and Ella ran out of the room. But when we moved into the next pose – fish pose- she was back *whack* *whack*. Then she took her mouse, sat right above my head and tore that poor mouse apart. I’m doing my breathing and I can hear *riiip* *scraaaatttchhh* *puuuuurrrrrrrr*. Here’s the poor mouse after yoga class:IMG_3107

What can I say? She truly is a yoga cat!

We are stranded in the house again. 9 inches of snow came down by 3:00 this afternoon. For a while at 6:00am there were 3 inch round disks of snow falling out of the sky. It looked like giant snowballs. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I did force the monsters outside for forced family fun time. IMG_3123

Day 27 of the 44 days of happiness came later on this afternoon when we sat down and played some board games (or “we’re bored games)” Spontuneous is a new game for us and it was a hoot! I will never, ever be able to play it with anyone besides the kids – but oh man did we have a blast. It involves a lot of singing – and since I am more than a little vocally challenged it made it both fun and painful.

I got this card on my last spot – complete it and I would win the game:

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I jumped up, huge grin and said “country music! This is awesome! Are you ready? I’m going to do it with the actions and everything”

Then preformed the entire chorus (with actions) to Fishin’ In The Dark. Sad that the kids didn’t even bat an eye at it – like it was completely normal. Which I guess it was – normal for us…not normal for other people.IMG_3127

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Yoga Cat

Our cat Ella has a very strict rule that she likes to be “close but no touching”. She likes to be in our space, but as with any decent cat, she lives life on her terms. So, with the exception of Jacob, her rule is that she will be close to us, but please don’t try and cuddle, pick up or generally touch her. Jacob (whom I might add does absolutely nothing to help look after her) is allowed to carry her upside down, over his shoulder, like a baby, and about any other way you can imagine. She crawls into bed with him and curls right up into his armpit purring away while he talks to her. If Jenna or I even try and pick her up she meow-screams and tries to wriggle away as if her life depends on it. By the way, this is why I also have to have a dog. Otherwise my self esteem would be completely shot.

The only time she changes this “close but no touching” rule with me is when I do yoga. As soon as I roll out the mat she comes running from wherever she is and is all over me. Sometimes she even drives me so bananas I’ve tried locking her out of my room. This does not end well for me as she lies on the other side of the door with her paw sticking underneath it while she meows mournfully until I give up and let her in. I always start with some forward bends. So as soon as I stand and stretch up into mountain pose before bending down, Ella runs and lays at my feet on her back with her belly exposed. She does this because she loves having a belly scratch. Every time I bend down I have to stay in that stretch and give her a good old belly rub. This lasts about 5 minutes.

Then I go on to table position and she jumps onto my back. She stays there while I do cat/cow pose and goes along for the ride when I go back into child’s pose. Sometimes she even stays on after that while I go up into downward dog, climbing up onto my butt to sit for a while before jumping off. At this point she usually buggers off for a while, leaving me alone to do the rest of my poses. Until I get to the last one, which is the reclining double leg twist. I have my arms out to the sides at this point and she comes and lays in a similar pose to me with her head on my right hand and purrs while I scratch her face.

When I’m done my yoga I do 20 minutes of meditation. My back’s been a bit yucky so I’ve been meditating lying down with my legs up on a chair. Ella comes and either sits on my chest, staring at me while purring (this doesn’t last long – it starts to hurt) or she wraps herself around my head and purrs the entire time.

Then, I’m done. She knows it. And we immediately return to our regular routine of “close but no touching”.

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Scratch my belly, minion.IMG_1302

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My moment of happiness on day 26 of my 44 days came with Ella this morning. Every morning we play fetch (seriously) with her toy mouse while I eat my breakfast and have my tea. Sometimes she likes to hide her mouse in my slippers if I’ve taken them off. This morning she came over to me with her mouse and she was playing with it when I looked away for a few seconds. She started meowing and pawing at my slipper and then looking up at me – very clearly telling me the mouse was in there. I felt around inside and got nothing. She still insisted it was in there. I picked up both slippers, shook them around – nothing came out. I put them back down in front of her and told her that the mouse was gone. She continued looking at me with her big eyes, insisting it was in the slipper.

Suddenly she leapt straight up in the air about 2 feet. As she went up, her body circled so her legs all met in her middle. I watched as she grabbed with all 4 legs the mouse that she’d been hiding under her belly the whole time. She ended up taking it in her front paws, throwing it, and then chasing it when she landed. Little sneak! She totally did it on purpose just to mess with me. I swear she was cat-laughing when she was done.

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