Tag Archives: Bliss

happiness

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming 

It is almost impossible for me to wrap my mind (forget my heart) around the fact that Dad has been gone for 6 months today. I can convince myself for a while that he’s gone away on a trip or something, because usually over the last 10 years at least 6 months would go by without us seeing him. But, it’s harder to keep deluding myself now that we are home and he’s not here. His absence is felt so deeply I can feel it deep in my soul, as can the rest of the family.

Little things come up… like I was thinking about the fact that when we go get our Christmas tree (a big production here), that I will be the adult who has to do stuff now. Dad would normally do most of the gross hard work of getting up the tree and we would help and decorate. There were thousands of little things that he did for us, quietly and without fuss, that we are just now realizing weren’t done by magic.

But, we keep moving ahead. That’s all we can do. Dad was so full of life and loved doing jumping into activities, so the best way to honour him is to keep on swimming – Just like Dori.

My sister and her kids are down this weekend and we’ve had some Christmas cheer injected into our lives with songs and gingerbread houses. I know it makes Dad happy to see us all gathering together and having fun.

One of the gifts Dad gave me in the last months before he died was the desire to dig deeper into finding and following my spiritual path. He used to talk to me a lot about how important it was for him to work on his spirituality and to connect with God in the most intimate way possible. He may not have been ready to leave us all here, but I think as the time got closer he was ready to move on and be with his Maker. He taught me a lot about giving love and having faith. At the end of the day those are the things that matter, not the superficial stuff that is so easy to focus on.

Here’s a couple of photos of my Dad from a few years ago doing what he did best – playing and laughing with his grandkids. I have a childhood full of memories of him taking us out riding, skating, cross country skiing, hiking, and flower walking. To be able to engage fully in an activity that brings joy to everyone involved is a real gift.

I love you always Dad, thank you for everything.

Life in a bubble…

My happiness moment was sitting at the table in my mom’s kitchen with her, my kids, my sister, and her kids; while we decorated gingerbread houses. We need each other, for good times and sad times. It’s just better to be part of a tribe.

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Be a part of the community, not apart from the community. 

For years we have been on the fringe of the community. Being an introvert, going out and meeting new people is not something that I look forward to, but when you are constantly the new person it’s a trait you have to develop. Even in places where I felt more settled and had more friends, I still felt a bit like an outsider. Perhaps if we had stayed put a bit longer I would have begun to feel more at home, but we were on the move pretty often.

Now that we are back home I notice that not only I, but the kids as well, feel like we are a part of the community. When we go out they see relatives and now friends as well and it gives them the sense of familiarity. Even though this was a “new” house that we moved to, it has so much family history that it gives us all a strong sense of grounding and belonging. I hear the kids talk about how they know they are home here and that they know it because so many of their relatives have also lived in this house.

No matter how independent we like to think we are, I believe that we all need a tribe of people in our lives to help hold us up in hard times and to help us celebrate the good ones. We have that here with family and old friends, but we also have that just by being in our community. I have been so touched by how many people have expressed concern for Jenna while she’s been sick these past few weeks. Those close to us of course keep pretty good tabs on her and are sending her well wishes all the time. But, there are people out in our community, in town, who are just used to seeing us out and about who also come over and express concern and love for her when they hear her coughing away.

The lady at our Save On came over and sat with her and offered her one of her cough drops and to tell her she hoped she was feeling better soon. She came to talk to me after and wanted me to know that she had offered it to Jenna just so I would be aware. I said I had been watching them, and how kind it was that she was showing such concern for my little bean.

Guy, the Guy from Guy’s Cafe spent a long time with us this afternoon writing down his home remedy for colds. He made her laugh and feel more comfortable, which was so kind because she’s so self conscious about her coughing away.

Even though sometimes it seems like we are one wave alone on the ocean, in reality we are all joined together by the depths of the sea. Ella (little miss close-but-no-touching) is learning this lesson as well. She has gone from wanting to kill her new brother and sister, to befriending at least Aladdin and accepting Abu (I think Abu and Ella are friends when we aren’t around though). Today I was sitting on the couch having my tea when I felt Aladdin snake around behind me and lie down. Next thing I knew there was a Fancy Tailed Ella in there cuddled up beside him. This is the first time she’s actually cuddled with one of the cats and it was so cute. Proof that we all need love from each other. No matter how much we think we can, or are told we should do it alone, we are better when we have a tribe of loved ones helping us along.

My happiness moment today is a celebration of being a part of our community. Having loved ones close by, knowing that we will look out for them and they for us. Life is good.

 

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Baby it’s cold outside

One of the best things about living outside of the school district is the fact that I get to drive the kids in to school every morning. I wasn’t sure how these mornings were going to work, or how tired I was going to get of driving into town twice (at least) a day. On top of that, this year the kids are at different schools and their start and end times are an hour apart.

What I thought was going to be a horrible spin our wheels time twice a day, has ended up being precious solo time that I get with both kids every single day. Jenna’s young enough, and she still thinks I’m cool enough that I get to hear a lot about her life anyway. But if I didn’t have this solo time with my too cool 14 year old boy I would seriously have no idea at all what was going on in his life. Plus, on days like today it’s a real reminder of how darn funny he is when he’s not all stressed out, or tired, or thinking about girls.

We were listening to Baby it’s cold outside on the way into town today and Jacob came up with this gem:

You know this song is basically about a man being all pervy with some woman right? I mean listen to him – he keeps saying he wants to stay, she keeps saying he really should go. And what’s up with him saying it’s so cold out? He should have a jacket. I mean… surely he knew it was cold outside before he came over. He has no excuse…..

 

Then a few minutes later as we were listening to Frosty

And Frosty is just as bad. What is he doing taking all those kids out into some field? Where are the parents? What is wrong with them – why aren’t they looking after their kids??

 

Then he looks up at the Baptist church (with it’s huge 3 story windows) and says

Holy crap! Look at how big the tree is at the church!! That’s amazing! How do you think they got it in there?? It’s beautiful!

Then he looks at me and asks why I’m laughing so hard. I respond with

Yes, and look, they have light posts in there, and clouds…. dude – it’s the reflection from outside.

Fortunately he is good with laughing at  himself and we shared a good belly chuckle all the way to his school.

If they got on the bus every day, I would miss these golden moments. These are the moments that are making memories for the rest of my life. My happiness moment.

 

 

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The slow road 

Sometimes I get frustrated by how long it is taking me to get my mojo back. I know part of it is impatience, part of it is the fact that that it has seriously been a long, slow road.  Like, I’ve been on this road for a few years now. I just want to be stronger and have my zing back already. I miss that version of me. 

I guess what it also shows is how completely broken I was before I started reaching for better things. When I remember that, and think about where I was, then all I am is proud and excited at how far I’ve come in my journey to make a better life. The best thing is it’s made a better life for those around me too. 

The kids are reaching for the stars while learning what it means to feel firmly grounded and supported. 

Both of my kids are fascinated by these happiness moments I’ve been watching for in the last few months. Often we will be driving to town, or sitting at the dinner table and one of them will start asking what our happiness moment was today. An awesome byproduct of me looking for mine is that they look for theirs now too. 

Tonight I was sitting on the couch contemplating life and Jenna sat down beside me. She asked me what my happiness moment was, and I wasn’t sure yet. Then she cuddled up beside me and we just sat there. Voilà! Instant happiness moment. 

The good thing about being on this long and slow road is that I’m able to take the time to soak in these little happiness moments. The little ones that all add up and make life. 

We took the long slow road home today in the snow and came across one of our four legged friends trying to hide on us. 

  
Being able to slow down and breathe in nature is my antidepressant and anti- anxiety. 

  
So, I will breathe deeply and dig down and keep on this long and slow road. At least I’m headed in the right direction. I’m headed home. 

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Eat, Pray, Love, Big Magic

Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love was gifted to me by a friend in Montreal when we were in the process of moving to Rhode Island. It was a time of huge transition for me and I devoured the book, for the first time really understanding that one could seek out their own path to happiness.

I was still in the mindset that my happiness would come from the outside, the concept that it was an inside job was one that would take me years to fully grasp. I mean, honestly, even now I sometimes wish for a magic pill that would instantly make me happy, thin, and rich. I had two small children at the time and I was so insanely jealous of this woman who could quit her life and travel the world to find her happiness. I mean, I loved the book, I learned a lot from it, but I wanted her happiness journey, and I knew there was no way that was possible for me in that moment and time.

I’ve pulled the book out a few times over the years and reread it. It’s still one of my favourite books, and I love reading about how she made her life a happier one.  My understanding of my own path to happiness has changed as I’ve grown and I get now that no matter what, my happiness journey would be different than hers because I’m my own unique individual (as is she). But, the very idea that we can take a time out and find ourselves has stayed with me as time has passed.

On this amazing path that I am on now I am so blessed because things continue to come to me at the exact time that I need them. Like magic or something. I understand how I’m attracting better and better things into my life, but I’m also learning to have faith that even when I can’t see those things that they are there for me. Faith in that which I can see is easy, faith in the invisible has been much more of a learning process.

I wrote yesterday about feeling like I’m on the edge of this cliff ready to jump off into a new spiritual quest. Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book Big Magic reached the edge of my consciousness yesterday (and then into my Kindle),  and is answering questions about issues that I’ve been using as excuses to take the leap. It’s like she knew what I’ve been sitting here fretting about and wrote a book just for me.

Fear has often been a key decision maker in my life. I have either done or not done countless things because I’ve been driven by fear. In the time that I’ve dedicated my life understanding my anxiety and letting go of those panic feelings, I’ve still struggled about what to do about my deepest darkest fears. I want to stand on this cliff, drop all my fears and leap fearless into the exciting, unknown, future. But… the fear… it holds me back…

She offered a completely new perspective on how to handle this fear. In fact she says: Creativity is a path for the brave, yes, but it is not a path for the fearless, and it’s important to recognize the distinction. Bravery means doing something scary. Fearlessness means not even understanding what the word scary means.

I hadn’t thought about the difference between being brave and being fearless. I have discovered in the past couple of years that I am, in fact, quite brave…. and also that I am not fearless. So… hmmm… maybe that’s a good thing?

She goes on to talk about how when she begins a new creative endeavour, she takes fear along for the ride; accepting that it is part and parcel of a new beginning:

So, I don’t try to kill off my fear. I don’t go to war against it. Instead I make all that space for it. Heaps of space. Every single day. …. It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes too. In fact, I cordially invite fear to come along with me everywhere I go.

I was reading my book feeling completely dumbstruck. So…. I could technically take this leap of faith while taking fear along with me then? It isn’t a personal failure that I’m still scared of stuff (failing being one of them)? I just have to make room for my fear, but not let it be in the driver’s seat making life decisions for me?

I decided a while ago that I was done making fear based decisions. But then it was almost like I was too afraid to make a decision just in case I was making one out of fear… (vicious cycle – I over think things too much). I think maybe I could convince fear to just sit in the back seat and come along for the ride, but maybe he could be a bit quieter? And he absolutely needs to let me be in charge of the map.

My happiness moment today was having the time to sit and read some of this book. To absorb in what she was saying that was speaking to exactly where I am in life. I am *so* close to leaping off. In fact I think I may have already let go with one foot and the other one is just about to fly…

 

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Canadian stereotype 

We had a perfectly stereotypical Canadian day today, one that involved all the good things that come to mind when people think of Canadians.

It started this morning at Tim Hortons (as any good Canadian morning does) with a really nice gentleman holding the door for us. Actually, as Jacob and I were walking to the store, a SUV pulled up in front of us and as it slowed to a rolling stop a man jumped out of the vehicle, did a hop and a skip and a slip on the ice; and headed for Timmy’s. He reached the door and there was a lady behind him, and then Jacob and I behind her. He stood and held the door open for all of us, then Jacob held the second door open for him (proud mama moment, how great of him to return the kindness),  and then he insisted that we all go ahead of him.

As we were standing in line I joked with him about his fast exit from the car. He laughed and said that he probably shouldn’t do those while it was so icy out, but that life needed some adventure. He went on to say how much he loved winter, loved being outside, and had spent 22 hours since Wednesday shovelling snow.

I shuddered and said I wasn’t acclimated yet to the winter and wasn’t sure I was going to be. He said there were two important things that got him through the cold weather. He lifted up his leg, turned his jeans inside out and said fleece lined jeans, they’re the best invention. Then he went on to add although the very best way to keep warm outside is to get up, keep on your flannel pyjamas, and then just put your clothes on over top of them.

It was so nice to start the morning off talking to someone who was so happy. I love too how all of our happiness is different, how we each need to find it in our own way. Those things that made him so happy aren’t what would particularly get me all excited, but it certainly was his thing.

Tonight Jenna and I downloaded Jann Arden’s new Christmas album A Jann Arden Christmas. Her voice, it is so beautiful… it makes my soul happy.  I  saw her live when we lived in Montreal and it was probably the best concert I’ve ever been to. In this time where grounding and stability are playing such a huge role in our lives, it’s a huge bonus that she’s a local artist. Nice to have such great talent close by, a good reminder that we produce great things here.

To keep it fully Canadian, we also listened to a little of Anne Murray’s Christmas album. Her songs take me back to childhood and that is important this year especially. Dad was a big Anne Murray fan and I have lots of memories of us listening to her music together. I miss him, but he sure managed to leave us a lot of great things to remember him by. Anne Murray may be one of the bigger Canadian stereotypes, and that’s a good thing. There’s a lot of comfort in that which is familiar. Her music reminds me of childhood, laughter and fun.

My happiness moment today was the knowledge in my soul that we are here, we are home, we are safe. The good Canadian stereotypes are something I am proud of – the politeness, the thoughtfulness, that will take you a long way. Life is good.

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All you need is love

Love comes in unexpected ways. I think that’s the beauty of it, sometimes it just pops up and finds you when you didn’t even know you were looking for it. Other times it’s a steady stream of emotion that has always been there.

We had love fall into our lives unexpectedly over the summer in the form of brother and sister cats Aladdin and Abu. They came to the Pet Valu in Cochrane to be adopted around the end of May, the same time Dad passed away. We were lost and sad, they were lost and sad… but we already had a dog and a cat who each would have been quite content being the only pets in the family.

Jenna pestered me all summer long to get these cats. I kept coming up with excuses, even though we would have to go visit them almost every other day. Finally towards the end of the summer I told her that if she didn’t fall in love with a cat at the SPCA camp she was going to that I would consider it. She didn’t fall in love at camp. If anything she fell in love harder with her black and white kitties and we had to go visit them every single day after camp.

One day at the end of August, Ella marched into the kitchen and dropped a mouse at my feet. We live in a very old house filled with good sized mouse holes and I decided that was that. Finally we had an excuse, we would apply for the cats. We were approved and before I knew it they were in the house. Ella was furious, any proof that was needed that cats are just mini lions she displayed for us over then next couple of days. Dottie just rolled her eyes and pretended it wasn’t happening.

These cats are so full of love. Abu is the cat Jenna has waited her whole life for. She carries Abu around all over the place and hugs and cuddles her all the time. Abu just sits there cuddled up into Jenna’s lap with a look of contentment.

Aladdin is more social and hangs out with me a lot, but also spends a great deal of time running and playing with Ella. Ella didn’t know how much she needed someone to love until love found her.

These two had to be adopted together because of their bond. And their bond is very apparent. They love each other. More than that they need each other.

My happiness moment today was when Jenna, and later Jacob came downstairs and told me that Abu and Aladdin were lying upstairs holding hands. I was rushing cooking supper, but I stopped and the three of us stood on the stairs for a long time watching them. We quietly talked about how much they loved each other and how sweet it was to see them lying there together.

It made me think of the power of love. How it  was strong enough to stop us in our busy lives to simply stand and witness it. How peaceful and calm it made us feel. How happy and grateful we were to be a part of it.

Love really is the most important thing. All you need is love.

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Yoga for the soul 

Discovering yoga was one of the best things that has happened to me. I consider myself very lucky because I have had wonderful people come into my life to guide my practice.

When we lived in Quebec, the mom of one of Jacob’s friends opened a yoga studio. She taught a wonderful gentle yoga class that was exactly what my body needed. She was so kind and welcoming, it made it such a safe and loving way to begin my practice.

When we moved to Rhode Island, my husband gifted me a weekend at Kripalu which was where I fell madly and deeply in love with how yoga made me feel. Kripalu yoga is exactly the kind of yoga I need to do. it does not care that I carry so much tension, or that I am not flexible, or that I am self-conscious.  It is slow and gentle, it is built on compassion, and for me it is very spiritual. The only other thing that has brought me closer to God is time on the back of a horse.

Sometime after I began my studies with New World Ayurveda, they started offering Healing Light Yoga Therapy. It was my first introduction to Asrael, who has become a very important guide and mentor. The sixth session of yoga classes began last weekend, and I was finally able to do the recorded version this morning.

It’s a pretty cool way to do a yoga class, she leads it online and we follow along at home. There is an amazing feeling of being bonded to the other people in the class even though many miles separate us. That energy knows no bounds. There’s a recorded version on their website so if you miss the live class (like I did) then you can do it at your own convenience.

I was thinking about what these classes have done for me. When I first started my anxiety was so intense I could barely function. I was actually really happy that the yoga class was online. Aside from the fact that it made it easier to fit into the day (with two kids and a busy schedule), being in the comfort of my own room meant that my general anxiety was lessened. Of course I was soon to discover that Asrael’s voice is it’s own kind of valium for calming my stress. My cat Ella agrees, anytime she hears her voice she comes and purrs beside the computer or the phone – which strongly violates her don’t let people know I like them rule.

Now I go for long periods (I mean usually days) where I don’t even remember that anxiety played such a huge role in my life. Before this it was an issue that had brought me to my knees and affected every single thing I did in my life.  A lot of factors have come into play to help with my healing – a big portion coming from my Ayurveda studies, my private sessions with Asrael, and these yoga classes.

I do practice my own breathing to calm and ground myself, but it so much easier for me to get to that groovy feeling when I am being guided. I was so happy today when I was lying on my mat and being reminded of how to take the big healing breaths.

This type of yoga is one that nourishes my soul. It feeds me on all levels and I consider it one of the most important parts of my healing and my growth. It’s not always easy, sometimes really yucky things get released, but it is always worth it. It may take a bit of time, but there is always a good feeling – right to the core of my being – that comes from these classes.

Today my happiness moment was lying on that mat breathing healing light into my soul.
Photo from the New World Ayurveda Healing Light Yoga Therapy site

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Sunday supper

It’s been years since Sunday supper was a thing in our household. A lot of the time it felt like we spent the evening preparing for the stress of the week instead of celebrating the end of the weekend. 

Since coming home again, we have had a lot more occasions to celebrate weekends, or Holidays, or sometimes just Tuesdays. 

Tonight we had an impromptu family supper up at my cousin’s place. It was more like a feast actually – roast beef (beef from the cattle they raise with tender loving care) and all the fixin’s. Easy and fun conversation around the dinner table with grandparents and aunts and uncles and parents cousins and kids. We had the  whole multi generational thing going on. 

We are so incredibly blessed to live where we do with the family and love and support wrapped securely around us. Being safe and happy in the arms of our home. My happiness moment today. 

Home is where my heart is.   

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My Inukshuk. My path. 

The traditional meaning of the Inukshuk is someone was here, or you are on the right path. 

I spent some time today doing some energy work with Asrael. I always feel so much better after our sessions, but today seemed even more powerful. All things Ayurveda are helpful with my healing. 

Lately I’ve been working on the art of allowing  in my life. I’ve spent years either making things happen by sheer force of will, or denying myself things because I felt I didn’t deserve them. Now I’m learning to allow good things into my life. 

We spent some time today talking about this path that I’m on. I told her about all my doubts and fears and how even with those that  I have the strong feeling that I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. 

 I remind myself to have faith and to listen to that part of my soul that knows I’m doing the right thing. I can feel it, I just have to trust and honour it. I’m doing the right thing, no matter how  anyone else feels about it, or what that tiny voice of doubt says. What I’m doing is healing my soul and that has value. 

Tonight Jacob and I were driving home from school at sunset time. He told me how how school had been all lit up in the sunshine while there were clouds everywhere else. I told him how it was snowing at home. 

When we looked west there was a brilliant yellow sun shining bright and clear rays down on the foothills (by our home). I told Jacob it looked like the door to heaven was open and Grandpa was watching us. He agreed and said he could feel him around. It was like Dad had heard us talking this morning about how much we were missing him. 

As we drove on the backroad home the sunset changed into this 

   
 
An Inukshuk shining brightly in the sky. A sign from the heavens that I’m on the right path. This has been my year of miracles and spiritual guidance. I’m grateful I’m not walking this path alone. My happiness moment. My life. 

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