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Happiness in the new normal. 

One thing I’m discovering during this year of actively seeking happiness moments is that, for me anyway, happiness is a choice. But not a choice in the manner I would have thought before beginning this journey, a different way of making choices. More like a way of allowing happiness. 

For me, happiness as a choice means that I’m always reaching for better and happier thoughts and feelings. This also means that if I’m feeling sad or mad or just like general  crap then I’m not going to be able to force myself to be happy just because I want to. It means honouring the feeling that I have and reaching for a better one. Looking for rays of sunshine even on cloudy days. 

It’s leading to a lot more sunshine. My life is getting happier and better every day. And considering all that has happened this year, I think that’s quite the accomplishment. Dad lived his life so fully that I feel driven to continue to find happiness and joy even in the dark moments. 

At the end of it all, what I will have are memories and impressions on my soul. It’s pretty important that I choose ones that will make my soul complete and at peace. 

This afternoon I headed to the creek with my kids, my sister and her kids. All of us there for the first time without Dad. And we got to choose how to feel about that. Sadness was there for sure, feelings of grief and a deep to the core of my being sense of missing Dad. But, there was something else. Joy, happiness, peace, love, all those emotions were also there. 

Creeking is something my family has done since before my time. It’s an activity that brings balance and peace to all of us. As my sister said lying out on my mattress on the creek brings me back to myself. To the myself that is way inside under all the other stuff. The real me. Your Atman, or true self. It’s a very important part of our lives. One that we always shared with dad, but one that we need to keep on doing even though he’s not here with us. 

As we all stood out there in the amazingly warm water (it’s fed from the mountains and often is so cold that our feet hurt and go numb), I could feel Dad there with us. Smiling as he saw his family continue to choose happiness. And then he got a little sassy and flipped my sister’s mattress over as she swam down the creek. 

  
The happiness moment of the day. Family fun time at the place that brings us back into balance. 

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Just another day in paradise. 

We have been away from home long enough that I don’t believe I will ever take for granted how wonderful it is to be back here. Every once in a while though something happens that serves as a good reminder as to the blessings we have. 

This afternoon I headed to the Petro Canada to get batteries for our raft pump so we could go to the creek. Because it’s Friday and a long weekend, the line up to the gas station was all the way back out to the highway. So many people heading to the mountains for the weekend. Fortunate and blessed people in their own way. But all I needed to do was grab some batteries, go home, and head down the hill and we were instantly on vacation. 

  
I love this spot. We have swam and skated this creek with Dad all our lives. I’ve spent hundreds of hours riding Pirate through the fields in younger days. It’s a very healing place. A difficult place sometimes this year, but even so a healihg place. A place I’ve needed to be. 

The kids started out on their rafts and were looking around for someone to pull them upstream and flip them. Dad’s thing to do with the kids. In the amazing way children  have of being in the present moment, they figured out a way to take turns flipping each other off. Not the same as it was – a new normal. Since that is what life is about right now it was a good lesson. Learning to love and live in the new normal. 

Dad loved this place so much I know he is looking down on us and happy that we are moving on, finding happiness, living life. Missing him terribly, but living in this new normal. 

It was Dottie’s first time seeing me on the raft. At first it caused her concern, then she decided she had better join me to keep me safe. 

   My loving dog actually climbed right up, stood on me and then shook her stinky, wet dot hair all over soaking me in the process. I love her. 
A happiness moment that lasted all afternoon. Lazy days at the creek. Deep gratitude for this day. We live in abundance. 

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Raindrops 

Today I treated myself to a Raindrop Oil Massage combined with some Reiki work and chakra balancing. It was my first time doing this, and not only was it relaxing and cleansing, but it was a heck of a good deal as well. The lady who did it advertised a special on our community Facebook page and I thought what the heck. With all the stuff that has been going on these past few months, I felt it would  be a nice treat and compliment to the energy work I was already doing. 
It was. 

An hour and a half of complete relaxation while someone massaged different essential oils into my back. I love essential oils and respond well to them. Even my kids come to my study in search of an oil instead of our nonexistent medicine cabinet for an aspirin. 

She also used crystals. 

  

I was to pick two and hold onto them during the massage. She had a little basket of them and I picked the first two that called to me. 

 

It was a happiness moment. A little relaxation vacation that took 90 minutes. We all need that little break now and then the fact that it helped strengthen my body and soul was an added bonus. 

It helped remind me that the path that I’m on is the right one for me and I need to have the faith and the strength to keep walking it. 

An extra happiness moment was driving into town with the kids. We had some extremely silly giggle moments. I love the summer versions of my kids. They’re so much more fun and relaxed. 

This morning an article by John Douillard about the movie Inside Out and Ayurveda showed up in my inbox. This movie has been of such benefit to the kids and I this summer as we sort out our feelings about my Dad dying. I loved the relations to Ayurveda and appreciated that someone else spent time espressing the deep meanings in the movie. I love this movie in case you can’t tell. 

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My Majestic Cow Dog

  
I got to do THE thing that is guaranteed to make my soul smile today. I don’t do it enough, but oh when I do…..

Dottie followed me out into the field. She’s never seen me on a horse before and at first was a little confused but soon fell in pace behind us. For a dog who had to live such a confined life up until 4 months ago, she certainly has adapted to her ranch freedom well (now if I could just get her to stop chasing cars!) My nephew said you look awesome out there auntie Melissa, with your majestic cow dog!

There was a moment that suspended in time while I was riding. I was at the top of the field on the dude named Princess, my mom and my nephew were visiting halfway down the field, Jenna was madly riding her bike up from our house, and Jacob was walking up the road. All of us outside enjoying a beautiful summer night. I looked up onto the sky and the sun was sending sparkly rays through a hole in the clouds. It was as if Dad was smiling down on us from heaven. It felt like a normal, happy night. Well…. a night in the new normal anyway. A happiness moment. 

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The change room. 

I have a love/hate relationship with Dad’s change room. When I walk in there it’s like time has been suspended. All of his things are still there – waiting for him to come use them. Well, except for the fact that some of his ashes are also there. That kind of ruins my fantasy that everything is normal. 

I like to go into his room and talk to him. It makes me feel safe and feel close to him. After I’m done chatting away I always stand and sigh and look around the room. It always seems so strange to me that all his things are still here exactly as they were, but he’s not.  

He wasn’t a man who was all about possessions, but you can’t reach a certain age without collecting a certain amount of stuff. It makes me happy to see his stuff, it breaks my heart to see his stuff. It’s just sitting there waiting for him. 

This morning my mom sent me a poem that described very well how I feel: 

The Sadness of Clothes

 Emily Fragos

When someone dies, the clothes are so sad. They have outlived their usefulness and cannot get warm and full.

You talk to the clothes and explain that he is not coming back as when he showed up immaculately dressed in slacks and plaid jacket and had that beautiful smile on and you’d talk.

You’d go to get something and come back and he’d be gone.

 You explain death to the clothes like that dream.

You tell them how much you miss the spouse and how much you miss the pet with its little winter sweater.

You tell the worn raincoat that if you talk about it, you will finally let grief out. 

The ancients etched the words for battle and victory onto their shields and then they went out and fought to the last breath. 

Words have that kind of power you remind the clothes that remain in the drawer, arms stubbornly folded across the chest, or slung across the backs of chairs,or hanging inside the dark closet.

 Do with us what you will,they faintly sigh, as you close the door on them.

He is gone and no one can tell us where.

 I know they’re just things, but they’re his things and besides memories that’s all we have now. It’s why I love the room and hate that room. So many emotions in there. 
Happiness moment was racing around the yard this afternoon with Jacob watching a tornado drop in and out of the sky. This only ended up being a happiness moment of course because it passed us by. But as soon as we knew we were safe, we had fun watching the storm clouds. This was followed by a trip to town with my cousin for ice cream. Mmmmmm

  

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Snowbirds

This afternoon we went out for a family walk. Forced family fun time with my monsters, my sister and her kids, and my mom. As we were getting ready my cousin texted saying the Snowbirds were about to buzz our house. They were at the air show in Springbank and could see them heading for our place. We dashed outside and had an awesome private show 

This was taken on my iPhone – it was much more impressive. I’m amazed at how they hold their formation.  
I mentioned to my sister after that if you were into planes it was the equivalent of us wanting to ride in the RCMP musical ride. I have a friend who did this – what a dream job. 

It was a happiness moment to stop and watch the planes dance past us over and over. Time was suspended and there was just us and the sky show. 

Before we went out walking we were talking about how every day without Dad just gets harder and harder. Doing all the things we used to do with him now without him is so difficult. But he loved life and loved us and I know he wants us to keep on finding happiness, so I will keep looking for it every single day.   

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Don’t drink from the bowl

Today’s happiness moment: sitting with Jacob while he ate his chicken noodle soup tonight. He says you know what I miss about grandpa? His chin chopper and his rules: no drinking from the bowl, no talking to the water. Then he looked at me, grabbed his bowl and took a big gulp of soup right from it. He looked around with a smirk and said do you think grandpa saw that? 

Missing Dad does not seem to be going away, if anything it gets more intense, but I love that we have these warm memories to share with each other. 

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Inside Out

Last night the kids, mom, and I went to see the movie Inside Out. It was an excellent movie – but while I knew it was a movie about emotions I didn’t realize it would unleash a tornado of our own emotions. 

Jacob and I drove home after the movie and he had an emotion explosion. It included a few things, but high up there was his sadness at losing his grandpa. I pulled the car over and gave him a big hug and held him while I listened to him vent out his feelings. I had already vented out my feelings in the darkness of the theatre. Good thing I’m getting used to this public crying thing. Sigh. 

The really great thing about this movie is that it opened the door for us to talk more about feelings. 

Jacob and I had to go into town to do some errands today and on the way in he said well, anger and sadness really got away from me yesterday. It was like anger was pushing things full throttle while sadness was touching all my memories and making them sad. I think fear was hiding over in the corner crapping his pants. 

I really appreciated how the movie showed that sadness could touch happy memories and make them sad. We sure feel that way about the memories of my Dad. I’ll remember something fun we did and for a moment I’m happy and then I remember Dad is gone and my memory becomes sad. Jacob said he felt the same way. It was good to know also that sadness was an important emotion in working things through. 

My favorite part was when the teenage boy saw the girl and all his emotions freaked out shouting girl girl girl 

We went to the mall before going to the Farmer’s Market and he saw his emotions there:

Look mom, here’s my anger and sadness.    
My happiness moment was at the Market. There was a guy there with remote control cars and Jacob and I raced each other and giggled and played together. The guy gave us extra time so we had almost a half hour to laugh and enjoy doing something together. A rich happiness moment. 

 

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Rebel Yell

I finished off Stampede Week by eating an entire bag of Those Little Donuts. I’m not kidding and I’m not proud of it (I’m a little proud actually). After serious testing over the years I can tell you that they’re the best mini donuts in the park – probably because they make them as you order them. And we ordered a lot last night. A bag for everyone and then it was fight to the death to hold onto yours. I lost one of my donuts to Jenna because I wasn’t paying  enough attention, but after that I held my bag closer. A very non-Ayurvedic meal, but a fun one nonetheless. 

But now that Stampde is over I need to get back to a better routine. Who am I kidding? I’ve been in a bad eating routine since we moved back. Better than it could have been, but I most certainly dealt with Dad’s illness and death by eating every piece of cake I could get my hands on. 

Now is the time to change that. I want to have lots of happy and healthy years ahead of me, and I know the best way to do that is to honour my body and soul. 

I haven’t gone out walking since Dad died – not because of Dad, but because of all the grizzly bears in the area. Anyone who tells you they’re all disappearing doesn’t live where I do, that’s for sure. On my walking path there was a mama and her triplets and then a few days later a male. I became bear-a-noid and did my working out on the elliptical at home. Fine, but not nearly as good for my body and soul. 

Today, bears be dammed, my Dotted Dog and I headed out for a walk/jog. I’m not a runner, but I’ve done the couch to 5K program a few times and liked/hated it. I don’t mind small runs when I’m in shape – no desire for long distance ones. I put some music on my phone – music from a time when I was younger and felt strong and powerful – and headed off. 

  
As I was jogging along singing loudly to Rebel Yell (which I knew would have the added benefit of scaring away any wildlife – unless they thought I was dying and therefore easy prey), I realized that was exactly what I am starting to do – finding my own rebel yell. Three years ago my body and soul were both broken. I had finally realized that unlike Sleeping Beauty, my Prince Charming was not going to rescue me and that I had better wake my own self up. And that I have. Sometimes I feel weak and not good enough, and then I remind myself of how far I’ve come. Three years ago I couldn’t walk across the room without being in unbearable pain. Now I run around, ride horses, garden, play with the kids, go walking, and do yoga – all impossible things three years ago. Thank goodness I decided to become my own hero. In doing that I also showed the kids they can become their own heros too. 

I think this building a better me is part of why I love living in this old house we live in so much. I can relate to this place. This house has been neglected and was empty, but it is deeply loved by the entire (extended) family. We are pouring life and love back into it. Good things come from this house. 

My happiness moment was Jacob lying with his huge teenage body on the couch. He looked at me as I walked by and said mom, please don’t tickle me. Which of course meant I sat right on top of him pinning him down and counted all his ribs. When he laughs like that he’s just like little Jacob of his younger days. The dog got so upset that he was getting all the attention she jumped on top of him as well – which worked out for me as I was able to tickle him better. Small happiness moments – what life is really made up of. Although our big happiness moments are pretty awesome too. 

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Jammin’ and the creek. 

I’m noticing that some of my happiness moments are also moments of sadness these days. The happiness outshines the sadness, but there is this bittersweet feeling that comes along with it. 

For example, today I had two happiness moments. I had bought flats of fruit yesterday. Blackberries (the best I’ve had in years), blueberries, strawberries, and cherries. So, today I had to deal with them. Dad always made the best freezer jam, my favorite being strawberry. He showed me how to make it, and I’ve made a few batches over the years. I’d kind of given up recently as it seemed every time I made a nice batch we would move and I’d have to give it all away. Last year I made what would end up being my last batch of jam with Dad while we were home for the summer. Today’s jam making was a happiness moment because I love jam and I love the memories of making jam with Dad. It was sad because it made me miss him oh so much. 

Since I was missing him, I kept on going down my emotional berry journey and made a blackberry pie. When my sister and I  were kids and we would go to Vancouver Island, Dad would go blackberry crazy and we would be out in ditches with buckets picking away. We then had to drive all the way back to Calgary with flats of blackberries in the back of the car (a 12 hour drive). One of the smells of my childhood is blackberries. Blackberries and horses…

  
It was over 30C here today. My car said 37C while I was driving around town. Hot hot hot. After we were done errands, I took the kids down to the creek. One of the best places on earth. 

  
Another happiness moment. One of the best summer moments is at the creek. We are so blessed that we can head down there when we want to cool down or just relax and enjoy the beauty. I have so many memories of being down at this spot. I used to ride my horse down there when I was a kid. Dad would take us swimming there, in the winter we’d skate down the creek. One of Dad’s favorite walking places is the ridge above, and we used to go look at wild flowers along the buffalo jumps. The last thing we did last summer before flying back to Virginia was go to the creek with Dad. I’m so grateful we had those creek moments last year. Again, bittersweet because it kicked me in the gut and made me miss him so. 

The kids were happily running towards the water while I stood there and bawled behind my sunglasses. 

But, the happiness outweighs the sadness. I’m thankful for all the fun memories and thankful we are still able to enjoy happiness. Dad embraced life so completely , I knew he spoke be happy to know that we were enjoying happiness moments that reminded me of him. 

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